Honoring a life, no matter how short

[question everything]

StarTribune.com
Honoring a life, no matter how short

For parents who lose a baby, the photographers who volunteer with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep provide images that help them grieve and heal.

By Sarah Lemagie, Star Tribune
8/1/07

When Leah Goldberg thinks about the day her second daughter, Keira, was born, she sometimes wonders, "Did this really happen?" Goldberg's daughter was stillborn at St. Francis Regional Medical Center in Shakopee on Feb. 16. When nurses suggested that she allow Amy Zellmer to take pictures of her baby, Goldberg hesitated before saying yes. Now she keeps a dozen of the images in her purse, where they help her remember that Keira's life, though short, was real. "She was here," Goldberg said. "We did get to spend the day with her."

Zellmer is one of about 40 professional photographers in the metro area who volunteer with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, a nonprofit group that takes free pictures for families who experience the death of a child. The group, founded in 2005 by a grieving mother and the photographer who took pictures of her infant son, now has more than 3,000 member photographers in the United States and beyond.

The call often comes from a hospital, sometimes in the middle of the night: A baby is about to die. Can you come? Tiny hands, the particular curl of a cowlick, ears inherited from a father, the caress of a mother, a complete family portrait with siblings and grandparents. The photography documents minute details that parents might not remember months later, said Sue Steen, a nurse at Abbott Northwestern Hospital who helps families cope with the loss of a baby.

(snip)

Parents often can't bear to look at pictures right away, but photos from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep can be opened years later

(snip)

To take pictures at such moments requires great tact and the ability to read parents' looks and gestures. The group organizes sensitivity training from nurses and bereaved families, and photographers learn how to ask gently what kind of pictures parents want of their children... In the studio, photographers often use Photoshop to blur harsh hospital backgrounds or convert pictures to black and white, which is more soothing. When a baby's body is in bad condition, they're sometimes selective about what they photograph, focusing on just a hand, avoiding undeveloped feet or taking profile pictures. Sometimes relatives don't want to look at the pictures, and a few photographers and parents said they've met people who find the idea of photographing deceased babies disrespectful or morbid.

(snip)

http://www.startribune.com/332/story/1332895.html

[Missy Vixen]

1. We have no children, but I am K&R

I can't imagine this kind of loss.

In the meantime, blessings to those whose talent and cameras help to document and remember someone else's very much wanted and very much loved baby.

Julie

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

2. This was far more common in the nineteenth century

believe it or not, taking photos of deceased loved ones was common back then.

I know the importance of having a photo for a memory. My grandmother lost a son to cholera infantum in 1917, and kept his photo and bronzed baby shoes for the rest of her life.

[saracat]

3. I think this is really individual.I had a friend send me pictures of my Mom in the coffin

after her funeral and I freaked.I tore them up and still occasionally have nightmares about those pictures. Some people treasure such shots but I find pictures of the deseased horrifying.If they can get some pictures of the child while they are alive, I understand it .On the other hand this somewhat sounds like it might also be affiliated with that pro-life movement that wants birth certificates for miscarriages and stillborns. Gov.Richardson of NM has been picketed by those people for refusing to support birth certificates for children who were never born!

[tblue]

5. Yeah, this is obviously an individual thing. I'd beg my loved ones not to photograph me dead

Don't we all rather be remembered as we were when we were living? I always thought even Jesus on the cross was probably not anything He would've chosen to be remembered by. (And if He had been hanged instead of crucified, would people walk around with nooses attached to chains around their necks? I'm just sayin'...)

[question everything]

6. I would have the same reaction

however this story was about babies, in many cases babies who were going to die and those were photos of the babies while still alive. I wish that the online story had a picture which was in the print edition - a tender moment of a mother and her baby.

On occasion one reads about grieving parents complaining that family and friends pretend as if a baby - stillborn or very ill - never existed. And for these parents they can cherish the memories.

Obviously photographing the dead, especially older people, is a different story.

[Booster]

10. I tend to agree with you. My cousin took pictures of my brother in

his casket. About a year later she asked me if I wanted them and I said no. I try not to even remember that day and I sure don't want a picture to remind me.

[Katherine Brengle]

4. I think it's beautiful that there are people willing to do this --

I've never lost a child, but I lost a pregnancy this past winter, and one of the worst parts of it was having nothing to remember my lost baby. They didn't even show me the ultrasound.

[hack89]

7. We've lost a child at birth and we have photos

and I have never regretted it. He was only alive for a short time but he will always be my son.

[question everything]

8. I am so sorry for your loss

and glad that you can find solace in the photos.

As I mentioned above, too often many of us don't know what to tell grieving parents who lost a child who lived for a very short time, or who was stillborn. Having photos of the child sends a signal that it is OK, even desired, to talk about him.

Again, my deepest condolences.

[hack89]

9. Thank you. nt