Sick Question: Should I leave my wife and two kids?

[DaveJ]

Let me clarify, I would never do it, but that's what society and the financial system wants.

You see, my wife comes from a horrific family background, raised by career criminals in and out of prison, and not surprisingly never finished high school and then naturally ended up in a divorce with a physically and mentally abusive and cheating psychotic alcoholic. But despite all this she and her kids are wonderful.

But the financial system says that if I leave them I will easily be able to pay off all ours bills in a couple months and buy my own little condo, and get on with my own selfish little life.

I would be in hog heaven.

Having to provide for a family, I will probably never own a home.

Let's see, the financial system, and society, gives me those two choices. Leave them selfishly, and be in hog heaven, or behave like a man and take care of them and never own a home.

Hmm. Which choice would most guys select?

Well I've made my choice, and I am going to be homeless forever.

After all this I will probably get flamed on top of it. But that's the kind of world we live in. Being bad is rewarded, and being decent is punished with extreme prejudice.

What a wonderful world.... :puke:

[leftofthedial]

1. welcome to capitalism!

:D


when you're not one of the owners, it kind of sucks, huh?

[Waya]

4. Yep...isn't it great?

If you don't already 'HAVE', and lots of it - you'll never 'GET'.Welcome to the 'American Dream'.

[DaveJ]

7. Thanks, on a side note...

Thanks for comprehending what I wrote unlike certain others. Actually, on a side note, I am trying to get out of this situation by doing some work on the side that may result in my own business eventually, or at least maybe some extra income. I haven't totally given up hope. But I just wanted to make the point that selfishness dominates in this society.

[Quantess]

2. Are you serious? No I don't think you are. Why are you asking?

[Quantess]

6. oh, never mind.

Just wear curlers in your hair. Or something.

[SmallTownIAGuy]

3. Have you tried counseling?

[TahitiNut]

27. Which of the ones you've seen would you recommend?

:eyes:

[Heidi]

35. Welcome to DU, SmallTownIAGuy!

:hi:

[DaveJ]

5. ...

I'm not sure a couple of the prior respondents read what I wrote. I know what the right things to do are. The world around me is delivering punishment for doing the right thing.

I guess there is no point delivering a thoughtful response to such curt questioning anyway.

[trumad]

10. Being bad is rewarded, and being decent is punished with extreme prejudice.

Maybe in your world... I know dozens of "decent" people who are er being rewarded daily.

Let's see...leave my wife and kids and have all kinds of money---or...stick with my commitment and have less..... Dude--- that's sound like every fucking marriage out there including mine.

[DaveJ]

18. Not exactly

This is about never having a home. Maybe some people do not care about having a home but I grew up thinking having a home was a necessity. What if a breadwinner gets sick and rent can't be paid? Having a home is essential to freedom. I guess a lot of people are so accustomed to not being free, having a home is not considered important to them anymore.

[Jonathan50]

8. Do the right thing

My wife and I were married sixteen years before we got our own home. And that was only because she was injured at work with a permanent partial disability and we settled with workman's comp. We used that cash as our down payment and to pay closing costs.

Nevertheless we were (and are) happy and raised our daughter just fine.

"You don't see no hearses with luggage racks" --Don Henley, _Gimme What You Got_

[Dr.Phool]

9. Sounds like you made your choice a while back.

And the right one I might add.

It's easy to say, "screw it", and take the easy way out. With your dedication, things will probably work out better in the long run.

Good luck.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

11. Which is more valuable?

A home which will eventually rot and fall down, or a family whose love and commitment will last a lifetime and beyond? (If you are a believer, in Heaven; if a non-believer, in the memories of children and grandchildren.)

Edited to add:
In uncertain economic times, many "homeowners" will lose their homes. But you will always have your family.

[jody]

12. Thanks for sharing. IMO you may have other options that you can't see because you are too close to

the problem.

I assume there are free, competent counselors in your area, perhaps through a local church. Please contact one of them.

Your post suggests you are headed in the right direction but just need a course correction.

Have a great day. :hi:

[EstimatedProphet]

13. Maybe you have the chance to screw over the corrupt system

How about this: leave your wife. Get a divorce. Take the 6 months to get back into shape financially, then buy the house. Then remarry her. In the meantime, support her under the table with cash. If it's done under the table like that, the banks won't find out, and they can't take your house away after you've already bought it unless you don't make the payments or commit a felony.

[DaveJ]

17. LOL... Thanks for the suggestion

I really appreciate the effort to create a solution. The world desperately needs creative people to show us the way. However, getting my own studio and paying them under the table for their own apartment would defeat the purpose. I could only get my credit back together by withholding the money I use to support the kids, which I would never do.

[EstimatedProphet]

19. Ah. Too bad

Sounds like a tough situation. Sorry.

[Vinca]

14. Why don't you encourage your wife to go back to school?

Maybe 2 incomes will solve the problem. (Life in Bushworld.)

[Maine-ah]

15. there are programs out there to help you buy a home

I went through FHA, and if I hadn't I wouldn't own my home. Also, we have Community Action Programs ( you may have something similar)that provides classes for first time home buyers. If you take these classes and go through a government program, usually a few thousand gets taken off of the down payment. We also have Maine State Housing Authority (MSHA) you may have a similar program in your state. I only put down 2k on my home.

Don't give up so easily, it's a lot of work, and it's frustrating, but it's worth it in the long run.:hi:

[DaveJ]

20. We're looking at that

Housing is so high here, we may be able to do it if we made the kids share a room. They're teenagers now, and I don't think it would be right to take their rooms away. This will upset the many who had to share rooms with their siblings and I'm sorry about that. But the point is that I can continue to rent and let them have privacy, or be selfish and make them share a room. We may ultimately go that route, but I would not want them to leave home early just to get privacy, and then end up in a bad relationship because they are so anxious to leave, which seems to happen often these days. So whether I'm doing the 'right' thing, I am at least trying to help others and being punished for it.

[bonito]

16. Your absolutely right

I've been my wifes caregiver for nine years due to her disability she couldn't work and neither could I and it sucks, no I don't have to do it, just shove her in a nursing home, but I put the value of life over money, government doesn't.

[DaveJ]

21. My wife also had medical problems

She had medical and psychological trauma from things that had happened to her. At least I feel lucky that she is getting better now. I really hope that people like you are paid more attention to in the near future by a more compassionate society.

[Bridget Burke]

22. Of course, you've already made the right choice.

But quite a few people manage do to have good lives, even though they remain "renters."

[msongs]

23. why are you a physically and mentally abusive and cheating psychotic alcoholic?

seems like her leaving you is a good thing for all concerned.

Msongs
www.msongs.com

[Trajan]

24. This is a false dilemma fallacy ....

Literally billions of families around the world make the necessary sacrifices to establish sturdy households filled with love ...

This reverie cheapens the whole notion of love and commitment by comparing such cherished 'family values' to filthy lucre ....

Trading the love of a child for a couple of measly bucks speaks for itself : Why don't you just work harder ? .... How bout getting a better job?

Society is problematic : Individuals are narcissistic ....

[BlackVelvet04]

25. Never is a long time.

The kids won't be kids forever. Lots of people don't buy until later in life.

[schmuls]

26. ? Did I miss something? The remarks of some of the people

who responded make me think they just read the subject line and a few lines in the body, and then responded. He was being -sarcastic-! He was trying to show how fucked up our society is when a person is put in a situation like this. He never said he wanted to do it, or that -he- is the abusive, alcholic, etc. jerk. Sometimes I really wonder...

[seabeyond]

29. is a person "put in" this situation. or does a person make choices

that create the situation.

[Hav]

32. .

That happens all the time, it's amazing. Some people see a title and go directly to "Reply".
Even in cases where the original poster made the effort to choose the most important parts of a story to present a short overview, there will still be people who couldn't bother to spend one minute reading it before replying :shrug:.

Concerning the topic, I think this question is relevant for many people. Not necessarily about leaving the family but about having one in the first place. Everyone has to choose between having a more comfortable life or having a family, being rewarded by having more money or by being married and having kids.
Because it seems that the reward for having a family won't come from the society despite the fact that the whole society depends on enough people having kids to support the next generation. Yet, those who choose not to have kids seem to have it easier while enough families with kids have to struggle to pay the bills.

[TheBaldyMan]

28. Only for your gay lover or to marry a box-turtle

seriously, I'm sorry to hear that your finances seem to be so screwed.

[William Bloode]

30. I can relate.

When i was young i had to make the choice. The choice was, work in the cotton mill for $4.00hr, or travel around for months at a time making much bigger money.

I chose the big money. I still often regret this decision, as i missed so much of my first 2 children growing up. I also must revel in the fact my actions bought the house, and land where we live, and the large nest egg on which i sit.

In the end you must do what you think is best.

[seabeyond]

31. my father did that when we were growing up. at a point in climbing

the corporate ladder he made the choice to take a job that would have him on the road a lot. he said two years. he still talks about that decision and i am in my 40's. from my perspective as a child, though he was gone a lot, when he was in time he spent it with us. so really i did not feel a loss any more than when he was working in town. he was always a father that was there for us.

[Katherine Brengle]

33. So sadly true... the devaluation of family... ironic, isn't it? ---

I think we are faced with a lot of choices in life, most of which have lose-lose consequences.

My husband could easily be comfortable in his own home without me and our daughter to worry about. I, on the other hand, would be totally screwed (although being me I'm sure I'd manage).

What you're really talking about is how the US system devalues family life while talking big about its importance.

[Solo_in_MD]

34. Don't forget taxes

the tax code is also structured to encourage broken families and such as well. Unintended consequence from using the tax code for social engineering.

[treestar]

36. You would have to pay child support

But I see your point. That does seem to be the way it is. Or that the worst people are the most successful, because they have the will to step on other people. It seems to be rewarded.

[SmokingJacket]

37. Doing the wrong thing is often rewarded.

Especially in the short term. It sucks.

But... doing the right thing is rewarded too, though often in subtler ways. You are being rewarded by having a better relationship with three people you care about.

We should all keep working to make the world one in which doing the right thing is rewarded... if not always, then at least more often.

That's why I'm a democrat...