Oprah's Motherhood Poll

[Doondoo]

As part of Oprah Winfrey's recent, memorable segment, My Baby or My Job: Why Elizabeth Vargas Stepped Down, the show conducted a poll of 15,000 working and stay-at-home moms. Respondents' annual income levels ranged from "less than $20,000" to "over $100,000." The survey results, although not surprising, were fascinating; it is always interesting to see people's feelings in black and white.

More than 80 percent of both working and at-home moms feel that stay-at-home moms do not get the respect they deserve. (I do not think moms, period, get the respect they deserve.)

Nearly 100 percent of both groups describe their children as happy. (If true, this makes me wonder how therapists are going to make a living 20 years from now.)

Sixty-six percent of working moms would quit to stay home with their kids if they could; only 36 percent of stay-at-home moms wish they worked. (This surprised me, given my own biases.)

Fifty-six percent of stay-at-home moms feel judged by family, friends or other moms. Only 43 percent of working women do. (Surprise here. Have the media attacks on working moms resulted in thicker skins? Are stay-at-home moms more defensive about their choices?)



http://blog.washingtonpost.com/onbalance/2007/02/draft_my_baby_or_my_job.html

[nonconformist]

1. As a stay-at-home mom myself...

I definitely feel judged more than working-outside-the-home mothers I know. Current culture really puts no "value" on it, it seems. People are always asking me when I plan on returning to work, or making snide comments about how much time I have on my hands (as if). I've even been asked if I feel if I should be "contributing more to society". I think that anymore, working-outside-the-home moms are more the norm. I've had numerous critical comments about it thrown my way over the years.

[seabeyond]

3. probably just thin skinned because of course not being in the working world

you dont have thick enough skin.... lol lol. hey, stay at home here too. kinda rubbed me the wrong way what op wrote. kinda the judgin thing you speak of

[nonconformist]

4. Tee hee... I know.

I'm so used to it by know, though, I just blow it off.

Woah... wait. Does that I mean I have thick skin and NO JOB?! For shame.

[Cerridwen]

11. Psst.

The part about the thick/thin skin was in the original article. Those weren't the OP's words.

Just an FYI.

:hi:

[seabeyond]

13. ah thanks. ... not that it matters much. but... it is the very example they are suggesting

does not exist.

[Cerridwen]

18. Yeah, I agree.

I was just doing my impression of a mediator to make sure the OP didn't take the 'hit' for this one. DU's been a bit explosive lately. I was thinking to defuse a potential 'situation.'

~Cerridwen (in her 'peace maker' mode)

:D

[seabeyond]

24. du....EXPLOSIVE... nah, lol lol. clarification is always good n/t

[Cerridwen]

26. LOL Thanks for understanding.............n/t :D

[izzie]

7. Time on one hands is sort of funny.

I was a stay at home mother with 5 children. I started at 6 and the last toy was put away by 9 that night. I frankly wanted to go out to work and it was a battle with a husband on the subject for years. I waited until they were all in school but it was still a battle royal. Odd as I had come from a family where my mother ran a business and my mother-in-law worked. What it did for me was put me so far behind I have only done some of the things I wanted to do. But I am not to unhappy about it. I did do many of the things I wished. I am glad I stayed with the children when they were home pre-school. But after 15 years I was so sick of being home and talking to kids I was sure I was a little mad.

[nonconformist]

16. My own mother (who worked) once pointed something out to me

She said that because I stay at home, and my kids were here all day before they were in school, that I actually had MORE to do at home than moms that work outside the home do. More cleaning and cooking, notably. I never thought about it like that before, but it made a lot of sense. My mother, aside from my husband, has been my biggest supporter in choosing to stay at home. :)

[Skidmore]

21. That is so true.

Lord, I remember helping my mom do the laundry with a wringer washer and a rinse tub only to then hang the clothing outside to dry. There was a reason that washing clothes had a whole day devoted to it. It took that long.

[bleedingheart]

31. it is a lot of work to stay at home

however for some reason it isn't viewed as work...

[Skidmore]

9. I have news for you.

At no time in history has value been put on the work of caring for children and a home. It was assumed that women would do this, graciously and without complaint. I've worked and stayed at home at different periods of my life. My daughter is a stay-at-home mom right now. It's hard work not matter what people say and it's a job women are still most likely to completely do even if they work outside.

[nonconformist]

20. Very true.

However, I do think that current culture puts an extreme value in a career, so a woman who chooses to stay at home is often looked at as having no goals, no sense of self-worth, or even seen as lazy. Of course that's not true.

[Hamlette]

27. I still think it was worse before

women were seen as not being worthy of having goals or self-worth and they were seen as lazy before. That's what the whole women's liberation thing was all about. It's because we were so undervalued. We wanted the chance to prove we had value.

My mom worked off and on, like to put my dad through school. My experience was that she was much happier when she had a job (she would agree). Her sisters though, were very happy as stay at home moms. I think its an individual thing.

I've done both, stayed at home and worked and worked part time. And just like my mom, I'm happied when I'm working (oddly enough, I'm the most happy when I work full time). I was unbelievably lucky though and made enough working to hire a sitter who came to my house to care for my child. For me it was the best of both worlds. She baked the cookies and I had a fun job to go to everyday.

[nonconformist]

38. I agree.

I also think it's a very personal decision, and what is right for one mother (or father, even) isn't right for another. Every family has to figure out what works for them - outside opinions be damned.

I was once asked how I can consider myself a feminist since I stay at home and have a very "traditional" type of family. I said that to me, feminism is about CHOICE. There is a big difference between being forced by society to do something you don't want to be doing and willingly choosing to live a certain lifestyle. If I went out and got a job simply because society expected it of me - even though I would be miserable - that is pretty much the same thing as staying home because society expected it of me.

That said, I'm eternally grateful for the women's liberation movement for allowing me to have that choice.

[Midlodemocrat]

10. Interesting. I've never felt that way.

I did have one person many years ago say that she thought staying home with the kids was 'mindless'. I replied: 'Then you aren't doing it right or well'.

[nonconformist]

22. I have judgmental in-laws

My husband comes from a family where the women generally make more money than their husbands, which is great. But I think they tend to think that the woman in the relationship should be the one doing EVERYTHING - home, kids, and the breadwinner... and if she's not doing all of those things with a smile on her face, that's a flaw in HER. I've come to terms with it, but for a long time it bothered me a lot.

[Dorian Gray]

29. Sadly,

I do think that there is a lot of judgement placed upon both working moms and stay at home moms. Everyone seems to think that their way is not only the "best" way, but the ONLY way. I think that each family is different, and their needs change based upon the dynamics of the family. I have some friends who I might think spend too little time with their kids, or be too protective of their kids, or too permissive, even, but, at the end of the day, it's not my place to gossip about them, belittle their choices, or make them feel like lesser human beings than me for making different choices than I make.

[bleedingheart]

33. Bingo!

I think that people need to feel justified in their choice. Whether it is working at home (stay at home)...or working outside the home. So they will tout their method as the best and it normally just ends up offending someone.

It is always a battle Royale when in reality people make the choices they must or that they feel comfortable with and we shouldn't judge.

[Dorian Gray]

37. Yes!

It makes me sad when I see my friends doing this to one another, and I've probably been guilty of it myself at times. But, sometimes we are the harshest critics of other women, condemning their choices. It's not fair, and I love it when we all can garner some understanding of why we all make the choices that we do.

:)

[SoCalDem]

39. I am from a different era, and NEVER felt judged. I loved being at home

and when people asked what I "did". I always said.. "I am just a lazy, worthless housewife".. I loved the looks on their faces, and to a person, they would immediately say things like.. No no no ..Stay at home moms are the HARDEST working people on earth :evilgrin:..
then i would tell them what I USED to do.:)

[seabeyond]

2. i wouldnt have it any other way. i never thought i would be a stay at home

and it is not a preceived lack of appreciation for the stay at home, or thinner skin... as implied in op which is a perfect example of preception. that a woman in the working world must be tough skinned and women that stay at home is coddled and thin skinned? it is pervasive. and i dont care. i was in the working world, single, for a lot of years. i watched the disrespect by so many both fellow females and males with the stay at home. i was old when i had babies. figured i would be going back to work. but after the first one, there wasnt a chance in hell another was going to raise my child

over the last almost 12 yrs i have come to many conclusions and insights on this. but bottom line, i need no validation from anyone. i have a home in peace and stillness. a place of security and safety for whole family. a place we all love so much... we need little of the outside world. i cannot imagine being on the fast track

and this is without even going into my childrens benefits of me staying at home. or husbands.

i made cookies the other day for the science club, remembering hillarys "i dont stay home and bake cookies" as my children where proud i was the one bringing in the sugar cookies with yellow icing and happy faces, so enticing,... and other kids thrilled to be getting the home made treat... and i thought

yup hillary, it does take a village to raise the kids.

over the years all the volunteering i have done in the schools repeatedly because there are so few parents able to do it with two working parents.... it takes us stay at homes to fill in the spot of all those unable and willing

[bleedingheart]

32. I think it is all about choices and what is right for the individual

my mother was a stay at home mother for the first 13 years of my life. Prior to that...she was a young widow with my sister..living in my grandmother's house until she met my dad.

She did not bake cookies.
Never volunteered.

My mother was a more "distant" parent...She loves me and my siblings to pieces but her parenting style was far different from mine.

I don't ever remember playing a board game with my mom, however she would talk to us about finances, politics..etc more adult topics.

My mother's stay at home status started to end when my father died. I was 10 and my brother 9.

My mother finally found work when I was 13.

My mother wanted my sister and I to have professions because she didn't want us to have such a hard time (remember she was widowed two times).

I work outside the home (although I do work from home a lot)...however I have made the time to do all the things I can with my kids. We play board games, I coach the soccer team (most of the female coaches are working mothers) and I volunteer at the school.

I think whether a mother or father works in our out of the home isn't key to parenting...it has more to do with their own backgrounds and how they were raised..as well as their desire to be involved with their kids.

[seabeyond]

36. i learned a long time ago....

that i have absolutely no desire to decide for another. i wont be nearly as good as the individual themselves, i dont have the knowledge nor the information, and i am too busy doing me to do another. i trust another to do themself as i appreciate others to trust me to do me.

my post was absolutely from my perspective. and the comment about the cookies came from another and how i digested it the other day. was a tad funny for me. when hillary first made the statement it didnt effect me at all. i was a single, working adult and didnt even hit my "care at all meter". i heard it again on tape the other day after being stay at home for a decade and heard the tone, as well as the words, and made me grimace. hence, while making the cookies, taking care of a sick child thinking about the statement and her it takes a village.... this is where i went

[Maine-ah]

5. I have only been a SAHM for 3 months.

I love it! Unfortunately, it doesn't pay the bills, so i have picked up a waitressing job at night while hubbie is home with the baby. I wish I didn't have to do it, but we have no other choice. :-(

[dogday]

6. I am a stay-at-home mom now, but my first child

I was a working Mother and it was damn difficult to do, especially when your husband does not help at all.. I guess that is why my first marriage never worked out....

[seabeyond]

8. when your husband does not help at all... isnt that the truth

i hear ya. that is exactly one of the traps i did not want to experience and i knew it would end up that way. almost always does with two parent working family. i had no desire what so ever to be a supermom, lol lol. and i wouldnt hand over my caring for the baby very easily anyway,... so i would be doing it all with the child, not allowing hubby, and then resentful i was doing it all. so much easier it just being my job

[dogday]

12. I did it all by myself like he was not even there

Drop off at the daycare... Would do my grocery shopping at lunch and put my perishables in the CO refrigerator till I went home... Go home, pick up the baby, put up the groceries, start dinner, clean up dinner, wash the baby and get ready to do it all over again the next day.... And him, well he was either playing golf or baseball or basketball, anything but helping me....

[seabeyond]

14. oosh... hm.... lol. that is bad. and happens so often. nope,

no desire whatsoever to be so sacrificing. why i love the stay at home. i take care of about all at home. my kids are older. when they were young, i did feel like i was often overwhelmed, not... i have the easier job. i use to look at hubby enviously that he got a peaceful shower. mine was in and out.... out of hearing for babies. that he could be amongst adults. that he only had to work. now.....

we all have an amount of our day in easy and relaxed

[dogday]

17. That is why this husband and child number 2

was a lot easier to deal with by staying at home... I have been with him for so long now, he is great and the way a husband should be... The only thing he ever refused to do was change a poopy diaper, they honestly made him gag, and I understood that.... He is my rock....

[seabeyond]

19. nothing better. good for you all. and the BEST for the kids n/t

[seabeyond]

15. now... that i have organized, dressed, fed and taken kids to school

waited for hubby to get showered and ready for work. i have to hussle my shower and rush to school for volunteering in helping teachers to copy papers....

all have a good day, wink

[TlalocW]

23. I'm a male computer programmer

I don't feel like I'm due any kind of respect above and beyond the norm - you know, people not spitting in my face, holding a door until I can grab it, etc. What MORE do moms want for their particular lifestyle choice?

TlalocW

[seabeyond]

25. nothng. dont want a single thing from you..... dont concern yourself. n/t

[TlalocW]

34. No, I'm serious

I hear this all the time about moms not getting respect. What respect is it that I'm getting that they aren't?

TlalocW

[SoCalDem]

40. There are degrees of "respect"

"Not spitting in your face" is not necessarily a sign of respect.. perhaps "restraint", but not necessarily respect :)

The task of child-rearing usually falls upon Mom, whether there's a dad in the picture or not.

Child rearing is like most things.. a contract between generations.

Raise them well, and they may not turn out to be violent, unhappy adults.

The kids you rais today will be the adults who "take care of you" (or not) when you are old..

It's all a continuum, and no one person's "job" deserves less respect than another's :)

[TlalocW]

41. Okay, but my question is still not answered

What respect are moms not getting that other people are?

TlalocW

[SoCalDem]

42. It's a vexing problem.

It may be that women who "stayed home" have been treated in literature and tv and movies..as women who watch Tv and eat bon-bons all day long...therefore not worthy of respect..

I don't think they want EXTRA respect, just a societal acknowledgement tnat although the work they do is UNPAID, it's a valuable service, nonetheless.

When someone works "outside the home", their paycheck is a form of "respect".. It says.."you are doing a job so well, that we are keeping you on the payroll, and here's some money to show how much you are "worth..".

A stay-at-home Mom does not GET monetary respect..in fact she may be PAYING dearly to stay home (by giving up a paycheck), so some verbal "respect" may be ALL she gets.:)

Some will say... "well SHE chose to have that baby"./.and yes she did, but if NO WOMAN chose to "have that baby", we'd be complaining that women were not doing their "duty" of reproducing..

[seabeyond]

43. i think that maybe it is felt that the woman that stays home is not playing

as vital or as important of a role as those that go out into the job market. that is how i use to see it. since, i have learned that what i create in the home and our environment enhances all our lives and for our family is as vital as my husband going out every day and bringing home a paycheck, equally. because of the role that i play allows him the down time that he and the children need but more importantly want, since i dont work outside of the house, allows me the down time too in the type of lifestyle my family enjoys. i think it is the perception the sahm may perceive and receive from society that what she is giving is not as much as those working outside the home.

along with the paycheck concept that you share. i never feel that. in our house my hubbys check is considered half mine, lol so i feel i am being paid awfully well.

i am not saying this is how i feel. i do not have these issues as a sahm. i am comfortable in my choice and feel blessed with all we have and the choices we made and were allowed to make. what other people think of me, good or bad, is irrelevant to me.

[SoCalDem]

44. You are generous.. My husband's check is 90% MINE

He gets $100 a week in pocket money and I use the rest :evilgrin:

I started working for a paycheck at 11 yrs old, took 7 yrs off when the kids were small and then worked until the youngest was in hight school..

Decided I did not want to miss the football practices, soccer games, tennis matches, so I "retired" when he was a sophomore in school.

I miss the paycheck (I was making $16+ an hour in 1996) but I was super-stressed and came back home to launch my last birdie from the nest.

Never regretted it one bit.

I like having no claims on my time. If I want to nap at 10AM, so be it...or if I want to stay up all night I can (and usually do:eyes:..)

[seabeyond]

45. i started working at 12 until my first at 32.

i am right there with you.

[Dorian Gray]

28. This is very interesting

I find studies like this fascinating.

Since I work from home, I will be an at-home mom, but with a job, too. I wonder where I'd fall on the spectrum!

[bleedingheart]

30. I try not to bring up my job when I am volunteering with the moms at school

I have found myself shunned by some of the stay at home mothers because of my working status.

There are a lot of women in my kid's school who do not work (and no..this is not a really rich area..working class)..

I have the greatest respect for all women who work in their home with their kids...in fact, I think their jobs never end and they are always finding themselves picking up for everyone else. Many stay at home mom's do way too much...

I found that when I was home on maternity leave for months on end..my husband stopped doing anything at all. He isn't a bad guy but it just seemed natural to him that I would do everything at home...but I cleared up that myth pretty quickly. He and I share in everything so we work out what gets done.

If anything I think more stay at home moms should make sure that their spouses are contributing to Roth IRA's etc..to make sure that they get paid for the work they are doing.

One father I was talking to at a soccer game was shocked..when I told him the cost of daycare. He said..."boy I didn't know my wife was saving us that much money"...and I said..."Well I hope you are putting money away in a separate retirement account for her to thank her..."

[Tsiyu]

35. It's the economic respect that matters

'One father I was talking to at a soccer game was shocked..when I told him the cost of daycare. He said..."boy I didn't know my wife was saving us that much money"...and I said..."Well I hope you are putting money away in a separate retirement account for her to thank her..." '


No doubt. I stayed at home when I could, or worked in different fields when my kids were really young. My resume looks like a Sears catalog of jobs.

I gave up a lot of economic opportunity and playing catchup now in my forties. I would not change the choices I made, but I do wish that I didn't have to start saving for retirement this late in the game, while I raised children for men who were secure in their retirement.

Kudos to you for pointing out the value of what stay-at-home moms do, and for helping (hopefully) that guy see down the road that he's not the only one who will someday retire.