This thing I wrote for the campus 'zine

[Crap_in_a_Hat]

Even though I despise the term "'zine". It's 'cking 'diculous. But anyway, here's "A Special Message from Sean Hannity". And no, they're not too heavy on the censorship (fortunately).
Hi, I’m Sean Hannity. You probably know me. Not intimately, of course (although if that leathery old hebe Richard Perle doesn’t keep his lizard eyes where they belong there’s gonna be trouble). I’m one of many blowhard Fox News talking heads. Specifically, I’m intended for the audience that enjoys watching an obnoxious draft-dodger bully people he disagrees with, but don’t think Bill O’Reilly is smug enough. I co-host my (make no mistake) show with Alan Colmes, this guy we found who looks like Clay Aiken as a senator and likes to text-message me during tapings to ask what opinion on an issue he’s allowed to hold. Honestly, our relationship has echoes of the prison system I’m always praising.
Like most Fox hosts, I enjoy paying lip-service to patriotism, as long as I get to define it. But honestly, my real reason for hawkish conservatism is the little thrill I get every time I see the President talking tough in a speech, often becoming excited to the point that my desk tilts up several inches. This is usually followed by some good old-fashioned Irish-Catholic corporal mortification, often with the help of Ann Coulter, while I wear a dog collar with “HANNAUGHTY” printed on it.
But here’s the most awesome thing about my job: even though it’s supposed to be a debate show, I’ve never legitimately debated anyone in my life. Here’s how it works: when the liberal guest makes an argument, rather than addressing that, I point to some vague equivalent by a completely unrelated liberal. Voila, the appearance of hypocrisy. Some family values neocon turns out to be a child molester? Bill Clinton had an affair with a consenting adult! Prominent senator identified at a cross burning? Jesse Jackson said racist things, even though he hasn’t been relevant in a decade! Ohhh, you got served like pork chops to Rush Limbaugh! I could go outside and brutally murder the first person I saw, and you can rest assured my defense at my trial would invoke Ted Kennedy.
Sometimes I never even acknowledge the issue. My entire argument against the existence of global warming consists of stories about environmentalist celebrities owning private jets. True, this doesn’t debunk the theory, and true, the fact that I take issue with this is a tacit acknowledgment that warming is a problem. But hey, as the object of my feverish necro-lust Ronald Reagan would have said, knowing what you’re talking about is for fags.
So remember my name. But don’t spend too much time on it, since all I am is one representation of a school of thought that replaces legitimate debate with irrelevant personal attacks while I accuse my opponents of replacing legitimate debate with irrelevant personal attacks. But as ever, I couldn’t care less. I love being Joe McCarthy with better hair, you pinko fruits. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go noogie Alan Colmes and not stop until he yells “I’m a tranny!”

[NC_Nurse]

1. I like it!

Very funny...:thumbsup:
Hannity is such a dick.

[lonestarnot]

2. Your screen name is

:rofl: welcome to DU! :toast: