Jerry Falwell's disappointment

[Cyrano]

Upon arriving in the next existence, Jerry Falwell was shocked. To begin with, there were no pearly gates, no guy with a beard, and no big book of names. Rather, there was nothing but joyful beings as far as the eye could see. Some were drinking Pina Coladas and smoking joints. Others were laughing hysterically at televangelist reruns. And many were doing things that Falwell had not only preached against, but were engaging in practices he’d never imagined were possible. (But then he’d never seen a copy of the Karma Sutra.)

Most ex-earthlings would have begun sobbing as to how the next world was not what they had been convinced it was. But not good ole’ Jerry. One look and he was determined to change it to his liking (while wondering if there was such a thing as “profit” in this particular existence).

Climbing onto a nearby cluster of gaseous material, Falwell roared, STOP! It was a second before he realized that his roar had come out as a nothing louder than a squeak.

A familiar-looking being approached him and said, “Discouraging, isn’t it? I keep telling people I am not a crook, but no one cares.”

“There he goes again,” said another familiar-looking figure. “But look at the bright side. No one here minds that I'm an amiable imbecile.”

“But, but, this is wrong,” stammered Falwell. “This can’t be.”

“Sure it can. It’s the way I made it,” said a thin squeaky voice that sounded like Woody Allen.

“Who are you?” asked Falwell.

“I’m Him/Her/It. The Big Kahuna. The Alpha and the Omega. You know, The One. Want a beer?”

Falwell’s mind reeled as he shrieked and looked about for a way to escape from the lunacy that surrounded him. And it was at that moment that that he finally realized how most people in his previous existence had spent their lives resenting the ravings of lunatics and doing their best to escape it.