Fred Thompson: If Elected, I Will Have The Hottest First Lady In U.S. History

[Pale Blue Dot]

I urge each and every one of you to run a Google image search and see the evidence for yourself: photo after photo of a tall but wrinkled and sagging 64-year-old man—that's me—standing at various gala events, his arm wrapped around a stunning woman with glowing orange skin and beautiful platinum- highlighted hair. A bold woman, squeezed into a dress with a plunging neckline so low her enormous breasts seem almost ready to leap out and scream, "Hey world—look at us! We are married to a famous man we saw in Die Hard 2 when we were in college!"

That's her, ladies and gentlemen. That's my wife. Yes, we are actually married.

If elected, I pledge that same woman—who is a full six years younger than my eldest son—will be by my side at all state dinners, dressed to the nines, causing the Chinese delegation's jaws to drop in amazement at her gravity-defying rack.

This is my solemn vow to all Americans.

I am aware of the critics who doubt my ability to deliver on this promise. "What about Jackie Kennedy?" they ask. "Wasn't she a hotter first lady?" If all America cares about is hotness from the neck up, then yes. Though Jackie looked good in a pillbox hat, she never possessed that I-have-obvious-father-issues sort of hotness the people of this country appreciate so deeply. Go on, close your eyes and try picturing Jackie Kennedy on the cover of some magazine spilling out of a bikini. You can't do it, can you? Now try the same mental experiment with Mrs. Fred. The results speak for themselves.

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/if_elected_i_will_have_the

[annabanana]

1. She has nothing, NOTHING on

Kucinich's Mrs. PLUS we would get an honest man with progressive principles! Win/Wn!

[roody]

7. Elizabeth Kucinich is DEFINITELY the hottest!

[LiberalVoice]

10. Seriously!

I can't believe I almost forgot about that stunning woman!

[BootinUp]

2. Fred for Prez!

:sarcasm:

[samplegirl]

3. If you've noticed lately...

They are dressing her like a dowdy housewife.

[TheWraith]

12. They were probably getting bad results from the focus groups.

Seeing a good looking woman like her, and then right next to her seeing Fred Thompson, most people would likely to have nightmares.

[KG]

4. the onion is the world greatest website!

[AlCzervik]

5. i love the onion.

[Mojambo]

6. The Viagra Presidency

Well, Viagra for him.

The First Lady will need a lot of Vodka, and maybe a blindfold.

[Bitwit1234]

8. And goodness I will be so up all night watching her so people don't

sneak into the white house to get her, I won't be able to do any government stuff.

[DKRC]

16. Which explains why he takes a week off after each campaign appearance

Lack of sleep is draggin ol'Fred down.

:evilgrin:

[durrrty libby]

9. I hope he gets the nom

[Kahuna]

11. Uh... Elizabeth Kucinich is cuter than Fred's wife. No contest there. nt

[Stinky The Clown]

13. Freddie's wife looks like she's been ridden hard and put away wet

She just seems hard edged and nasty. Mean spirited.

Freddie, on the other hand looks like a dullard version of this guy:

[Swamp Rat]

15. LOL! You're not far off...

:D

[Generic Brad]

14. I'm vacillating on whether she is hot or not

I think I need to see her in a bikini to know for certain.