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Why can't I own a Canadian? (Hilarious!)

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kstewart33 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Feb-20-07 09:13 AM
Original message
Why can't I own a Canadian? (Hilarious!)
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura which was posted on the Internet.


Why Can't I Own a Canadian?

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)



I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.



Your devoted fan, Jim
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The Straight Story Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Feb-20-07 09:17 AM
Response to Original message
1. Oh those wacky jews and their torah
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Pharaoh Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Feb-20-07 09:21 AM
Response to Original message
2. Kickin for God and Satan!!!
bwaaahaa!!!!:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: K&R
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emald Donating Member (718 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Feb-20-07 09:22 AM
Response to Original message
3. religion is the product of evil. E/T
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poverlay Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Feb-20-07 10:05 AM
Response to Reply #3
9. Yes yes, INstitutionalized evil. nt
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zanne Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Feb-20-07 09:29 AM
Response to Original message
4. I'm putting this on my fridge and in the bathroom...
The only places where people read in my house. I love it!
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madokie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Feb-20-07 09:33 AM
Response to Original message
5. I have to say I am one happy person not to be encumbered by religion
To each their own. As I look back on history there has been many wars and many deaths because of religion. My person wants to do whats right by my fellow man/woman/child/aminal/beast, even the crawlers, by all things live or dead.

Oh and I would bet I am a better person than most religous people, or especially the ones I have known through the years.
just saying
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kstewart33 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Feb-20-07 09:36 AM
Response to Reply #5
6. My sentiments too.
I'd have to say that organized religion has done more harm than good. I wish that everyone who believed in God would simply worship in their own private way and let it go at that.

Why is it that organized religion so often brings the worst out of people instead of the best?
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durrrty libby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Feb-20-07 09:45 AM
Response to Reply #5
7. Me too
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SammyWinstonJack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Feb-20-07 10:11 AM
Response to Reply #5
11. !
:applause:
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Mad_Dem_X Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Feb-20-07 09:46 AM
Response to Original message
8. Love it
Thanks for the laughs. Dr. Laura and her ilk just turn my stomach.
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Fire Walk With Me Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Feb-20-07 10:06 AM
Response to Original message
10. You can't have a Canadian because mom and I would end up having to feed
and clean it after you lose interest.
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depakid Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Feb-20-07 10:32 AM
Response to Reply #10
13. LOL
:rofl:
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valerief Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Feb-20-07 10:18 AM
Response to Original message
12. Religions are such a hoot! Thanks. nt
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Divernan Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Feb-20-07 10:36 AM
Response to Original message
14. Very funny - 5th K&R here.
nt
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mloutre Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Feb-20-07 10:51 AM
Response to Original message
15. this is actually a takeoff on a Bartlet riff from a 'West Wing' episode
but it's well-amplified.
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RoBear Donating Member (781 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Feb-20-07 11:46 AM
Response to Reply #15
16. Actually,
it pre-dates The West Wing. I'm just sure I'd seen it before it appeared there...
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Porcupine Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Feb-20-07 12:38 PM
Response to Original message
17. Well the attorny general says that Canuck has no rights.
so if the Canadian has no rights to a habeus corpus or appeal to the constitution why can't you own one?
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