Heterosexual parents only:Is there, in your mind, a difference between a teacher your child knows is

[dsc]

Poll question: Heterosexual parents only:Is there, in your mind, a difference between a teacher your child knows is

gay and one who says he or she is gay?

I am asking because I am pretty much in the second category now, I am considering entering the first. To be clear, right now I am 40, single, and advising the gay straight alliance so it doesn't take Creskin. I am considering, next time I am asked, saying yes I am gay vs I don't discuss my personal life. I am curious, from a straight parent standpoint, just what, if any, difference you see in the two stances.

I know which way I lean but am curious as to what I am 'giving up' by admitting it outright vs the fifth amendment answer.

[fenriswolf]

1. why would i take your word at anything other then the truth

if you say your gay I'll believe you.

[dsc]

2. I am getting at the opposite

Currently I am assumed, for fairly good reason, to be gay but am not saying I am.

[fenriswolf]

7. oh if you are and you think people assume

I would think its none of my buisness. however my ears might prick up more then usual concerning private student teacher talks or physical contact but then again I would probably do that to any male teachers that my baby girl might see in the forseeable future.

[kevinbgoode]

19. I agree. . .

It seems to me that the same people who ask that question are the ones who act so appalled at any displays of being "gay". . .

I've never understood why people who think they have a right to stick their noses into someone else's personal business so often scream that they don't want "it" shoved down their throats. I hope I'm making sense here. . .but then I'm not a hetero parent, so I shouldn't be saying anything here.

[ulysses]

3. voted yes - the difference I would see, assuming that this is someone

with whom I had no prior experience, is that the openly gay teacher is comfortable with him/herself in the school, which is as it should be.

Strength to you whatever you do. I know you've had something of a time with this.

[dsc]

8. So far I have heard nothing bad

at this point I feel I am just doing a bad version of Nixon "I am not a crook". The SGA is going very well, better than I thought. Given the way that the word had to be spread I have become a public face so to speak. Now I am at the point of realizing that I am sending a split message by being public face of a club like that and taking the fifth.

[ulysses]

12. LOL! good point.

You're in a high school, right?

[dsc]

14. yeah

and how is your year going? I know you had a rough one last year.

[ulysses]

20. blissfully by comparison.

Had some initial troubles with a control-freak coteacher, but nothing to even remotely compare with last year. :)

[dsc]

24. same school?

In any case glad you are having a good year.

[ulysses]

30. no - changed districts.

Changed from middle to elementary, too.

[dsc]

32. I couldn't deal with middle school

I don't even really like freshmen all that much but middle school would drive me batty. I don't blame you changing districts. For me, even with this year, the change turned out to be good.

[Madam Mossfern]

4. There's not difference to me

but I would advise you to tell them that you don't discuss your personal life. My advise would be the same for gay or straight teachers.

[dsc]

11. that is the answer I give

and as to any details that is the answer I would still give. But just like a teacher wearing a wedding ring isn't assumed to be discussing his life, I wouldn't, simply by admitting to being gay, be discussing mine.

[redwitch]

5. Whatever is most comfortable for you works best for me.

But I think it would be empowering to your students to be very forthright. If you are already the advisor to the Alliance, it isn't likely to shock anyone, right?

[dsc]

15. my precise point

It seems the fifth amendment is looking more and more like an absurd position.

[samdogmom]

6. Tolerance begins at home!

I said "No", but I'll elaborate anyway. My children have always been very accepting of all of their teachers--sexual persuasion is a non-issue! (And they've have several gay teachers over the years. Some open, some just suspected.) The ability to teach and inspire is what is important! They judge their teachers by how good they are!

[mondo joe]

9. I wanna' answer as a gay parent of 2 kids, ages 10 and 12.

I think there is a difference in that it's always great to have more people explicitly out.

And I think my kids and others would benefit from it.

But: I also think kids don't think THAT much about the orientation of their teachers, and what the teachers do and say is more important than their orientation.

So I think it's better to be out -- but I don't think it's the key thing.

But I didn't take part in the poll since I'm not in the requested pool.

[dsc]

16. I hope leaving you out didn't offend you

and I do appreciate the input, but I am presuming the overwhelming majority of my parents are straight. Admittedly your point is a very valid one.

[mondo joe]

21. Nah - I answered anyway. But with respect to your purpose, didn't take part in the poll.

I thought that way I could chime in, but still honor your request.

[dsc]

37. thanks

It is a big step and I am trying to determine what to do. I am leaning toward just saying yes next time I am asked but am still a little unsure.

[Ian David]

10. I don't know if I understand the question.

Different how?

The openly gay teacher compared to The Ambiguously Gay Teacher?

[dsc]

13. that is my question

To a straight parent, is it actually different. I know if my teacher were heading a SGA, single, and 40 I would both assume him to be gay, and likely tell my parents.

[Madam Mossfern]

23. Has anyone actually asked you if you were gay?

I think that's a rude question.
But maybe because I'm an 'old' biddy and think that manners are important.

[dsc]

28. yeah

teens ask this. In fairness to them, I was seen at Pride and admitted that so it wasn't a totally random question.

[Madam Mossfern]

43. If it's the teens that ask you

then it's my opinion that you give them an honest answer.

[dsc]

44. I have been asked three times

in my career. So it isn't a daily thing.

[Ian David]

29. Personally, I would prefer an "out" gay teacher over a closeted 1 cheating on his wife in bathrooms.

But as for what is best for you, in YOUR situation, my advice would be to do what makes you feel more comfortable when wake-up in the morning and think about what your day at school is going to be like.

In either case, be sure to network among other teachers, and keep feelers open to other schools where you can be more comfortable being openly-out-- even if you don't anticipate problems. Plan an escape route in advance.

And also be sure to develop a supportive network in the school and in the community.

[dsc]

34. I have built up and kept ready a resume

and saved all my glowing recommendations as well. I am also taking added responsibilities at school and doing what I can to make myself look good.

[ismnotwasm]

17. I voted no

But I want to qualify. Certain people have characteristics considered "gay" and kids or adults make assumptions of sexuality on those. I've done it myself, and it's kind of an obnoxious habit. (so called "Gaydar") I've also been dead wrong.

Any as far as how my kids-grandchild now, are taught, how they perceive their teacher, how they learn, no I wouldn't say there is a difference. My oldest daughter was deployed in Afghanistan during my grandson's kindergarten year was gay, and of course he wasn't going to discuss his sexuality with kids that age.

People asking you point blank are extremely rude in my opinion, unless there is a reason. Another one of my daughter's was involved in the gay-straight alliance, and I think it helped to know when an adult was gay, considering the agony some of the gay kids go through. It also helped with open discussion about anyone's sexuality, discussion I think are necessary for kids a certain age. Sexual preference is an aspect of sexuality and an important one.

[Canuckistanian]

18. In my mind, no one has the right to ask that question

If you have the temerity to ask someone if they're gay and they reply in the negative, do you then ask them what sex position they prefer?

And would you then make a value judgement about their answer?

The ONLY reason you'd ask them about their sex orientation should be if they were showing Mapplethorpe photos in art class and even THAT should be limited to the appropriateness of the sexual CONTENT involved.

If anyone asks about orientation, tell them to get screwed and ask a pointed question about THEIR sex life.

[mondo joe]

26. Being gay isn't equivalent to asking to a referred sex position.

Being gay isn't about sex life.

You can know someone is gay - or straight - without knowing a damn thing about the content of their sex life.

Put another way: Would you consider it offensive for someone to ask a teacher if she's married? Or what her husband's name is?

[Canuckistanian]

41. Exactly my point

These are questions of a PERSONAL nature.

If and when they "cross the line" into the personal, then the alarm bells should start ringing.

[lumberjack_jeff]

22. FWIW, I'm heterosexual and I don't think my personal life...

... is any of my employers, coworkers or clients business. If I were a teacher, generally I would feel similarly toward my students - HOWEVER, I can see why personal experience is a beneficial element of teaching.

I guess I have to agree with others. Whichever feels best to you.

[seabeyond]

25. depends on the suport you will get. i checked no doesnt matter to ME, BUT

here in the panhandle of texas wont mean a whole hell of a lot that it doesnt matter to me. cause it will matter to 90% or more of the pther parents and admin. not worth it here. if you are somewhere that you can say, yes i am gay and you will not lose your job, wouldnt matter to me at all.

[SarahB]

27. My husband teaches with a number of openly gay people.

It's not really an issue in schools around here it seems (except for parochial ones maybe). I think it's pretty rude for people to ask you though. Do they go up to other teachers and ask if they're strait? I guess I wouldn't be so presumptuous to think the relationships of my children's teachers were any of my business.

[AlCzervik]

31. no, my daughter's best teacher ever is gay, she had him and in 4th grade

he's also Canadian! (omg!) and gasp (Liberal) but seriously, he's just one of those teachers you never forget, she had 2 gay teachers last year and one this year.

How i know their gay, ok the 4th grade teacher who is also one of friends told me, i didn't know until then, the teachers last year i knew because of parent teacher conference time when i saw a pic of her English teachers family, i also got to know him and her science teacher, same kind of scenario. My daughter goes to a pretty small school and it's one of those places where you could run into any of the faculty and right away their like "Hey you're Anastasia's Mom!". My Daughter's school is really a sommunity, everybody kind of knows everybody but not their business if that makes sense.

[DrDan]

33. I don't see any difference and voted no.

I taught for many years. I just do not see what it has to do with how good a teacher you are - or whether it is anyone's business. I tried to think how I would respond if asked if I were heterosexual. I cannot imagine any response short of - "none of your business" - very politely of course.

So, whether a student knows you are gay - or whether you wish to admit it - makes no difference.

[madrchsod]

35. that question really never crossed my mind while my kids were in school....

the biggest problems i had were the dumb ass teachers who really did`t like teaching but had nothing else to do.

[dsc]

36. the paperwork and other crap

probably got rid of those but sadly a lot of good ones too.

[hedgehog]

38. These days, I am ashamed that a teacher would feel the need to conceal his or

her sexuality. I am glad my children had at least one gay teacher because he served as a model for one of them.

[dsc]

39. I would be the first openly gay, with the students, teacher at this school

but I am presuming not necessarily the first openly gay one these have ever had.

[samdogmom]

48. I agree with the "role model" reference!

H.S. kids who are gay are REALLY struggling to find role models. And, if they come out to their parents--the parents may need a role model (or confidant) too!

Anyway, you may REALLY help some kids if they can use you as a role model. But...you've got to think of yourself first! If your District won't tolerate an admission and you value your job--then, it's a tough decision.

I truly hope someday we have a world where NONE of this matters! Our own lives are so complicated, who wants to take on another person's baggage?

[dsc]

51. That is one of the reasons I lean toward coming out

I just am trying to figure out what, if anything, the difference is on the other side. I don't know in the literal sense what the difference would be to a straight parent.

[mondo joe]

55. When I was in HS I was lucky to have this wonderful, charming, brilliant and popular gay

teacher. He never actually told me he was gay, but he didn't need to because he made it so plain in a hundred different ways.

I think I always just understood it wasn't something he was going to announce, but that never diminished my appreciation for him.

[dsc]

62. I never knew for sure

but I had one or two I suspected. I was pretty clueless back then though.

[mondo joe]

63. There was no mistaking this guy. There was also a guidance counselor who ONLY let on to me one time

- and I'll never forget it.

It was in the VERY early days of AIDS - even before it was called AIDS. He just said to me one day "I know you're mature and sophisticated for your age, but there is a disease going around that is affecting gay men. Be careful out there."

And that was it. I always thought it was so sweet of him to reach out to me that way, to expose himself in order to warn me.

I was quite out myself, so I guess that made it easier for the gay teachers to be more open to me.

[dsc]

65. ah I was scared

No one reached out to me in that regard. That was cool of that teacher to do. I have done stuff behind the scenes. I went to a teacher about a kid who was having trouble at home over this and had her watch him for signs of change, that kind of thing.

[samdogmom]

57. From a parent standpoint, I would respect you more and turn to you for advice!

But please note that I am very liberal and live in a "used-to-be" liberal state--we tolerate far more than other areas of the country. I just want you to know that I feel for you. Your struggle has to be tough! Good luck!

Bottom line...a good teacher rises to the top...despite the crap. Kids have a way of honing in on the good teachers. It sounds like you've already earned your place. At this point, you should feel free to be yourself. The kids already love you!

My only concern at this point would be, what is administration going to do? And how independent is administration from the "public forces"?

[sailor65]

40. As heterosexual parents go,

I was looking for the "Who the hell cares?" poll option.

My son has had 2 (That he knows of) gay teachers. One was brilliant, treated the kids with respect and earned their respect on a daily basis. The other was a complete moron and likewise earned their contempt with similar regularity.

My son and most of his classmates (As well as the parents I know) just don't care, so you shouldn't agonize too much over the subject.

Comically enough, the good gay teacher was asked by a student if he was gay. He answered "Yes, but you're a bit young for me."

They all had a good laugh about it, and there's been mutual respect ever since.

Incidentally, the "Other" one never was asked. He went into a tirade about gay rights one day and about how he's been mistreated his whole life and how straight people are responsible for everything from global warming to the price of oranges. One of my son's snowboard buddies (Who's gay) said "What a clown" and the class pretty much shared that opinion.

I agree with some other poster who mentioned that asking in the first place is just bad manners anyway.

[dsc]

42. You are responsible for the price of oranges

due to paying Anita Bryant :sarcasm:

[sailor65]

45. LOL

:rofl:

"And I hope Anita Bryant never, ever does one of my songs......" Jimmy Buffet

[Irishonly]

46. My daughter's 4th grade teacher

was/is gay. The only reason I knew was I happened to work with her partner. She was one of the greatest teachers my daughter ever had. I was in aggressive cancer treatment and she was part of the reason my daughter didn't fall apart. I really liked her before she was my daughter's teacher and loved her afterward. A teacher should be judged on their ability to teach.

[Mind_your_head]

47. It's none of anyone's business what your sexual orientation is.....

it just really shouldn't come up AT ALL! Are you a good teacher or not? ALL of your experiences, gay and otherwise all 'give' to your teaching. Things like 'acceptance' and being non-judgmental, etc., etc.

I really don't think it would be wise at this moment in time to openly admit that you're gay. There are many, many, MANY people out there who are afraid and are racist, misogynistic, and homophobic. Powerful people. And they will (and DO) set stupid 'traps' for the good, honest people who just "want to get along" and be 'free' of any (their) corporate master.

If you're someone who has something valuable to teach, which I'd bet you do.....don't disclose (don't lie either).....just TEACH and don't make it an 'issue'.

Peace,
M_Y_H

P.S. One of the BEST religious (aka: theology) teachers we ever had at my kid's (parochial) hs got (mysteriously :eyes:) entangled in a 'gay love triangle' and was dismissed after 19 years. The STUDENTS that had her, thought she was the BEST and didn't care about the revelation of her sexual orientation.

Don't reveal/ don't lie ~ and beware of the traps, that want to keep the heartfelt truth from others.

Peace,
M_Y_H

[mondo joe]

49. I think it's normal and reasonable for people who spend the day together 5 days a week

for most or all of the year to share some personal parts of life.

No one should have to share more than they are comfortable sharing. But it's hardly unexpected for social animals to feel...social.

[dsc]

50. The hardest class for me was stats last semester

We discuss things in there, and looking back, I think they thought one day I was going to tell them, but I didn't. I tend to regret that I didn't, if only because they were such a great class and they might feel I should have told them if I end up telling everyone this semester. It turns out, they apparently knew (according to a student who both knows I am gay and knows a few of them).

[mondo joe]

53. There's a thing all out gay people have in common that I don't think any straight people

can fully appreciate - the deciding when to out yourself or not in ordinary daily situations.

We're typically presumed to be straight. And there are so many ways to let people know you're not - or to avoid the matter.

Someone who was doing some work for me recently asked about my wife. It was a perfectly normal question, and I had to figure out if I was going to let it slide, or say "actually, I have a husband".

And there are even far more subtle situations in which we end up thinking about our words and weighing when it's worth it or not.

It's the only thing I don't like about being gay.

[dsc]

60. I was in a weird place

I had no idea if they had heard about the other class or not. They are very bright and we actually did discuss a study on homosexuality. I think they figured I would say something at that point as one even suggested shutting the door. I later found out they apparently did know.

[Mind_your_head]

54. True,.......but, ehm......

sharing one's sexual orientation....isn't in the realm (sp?) of sharing parts of personal life.

Sharing parts of personal life (normally) is like:

I made some soup from the leftovers in the fridge!
I cut the grass and started a garden! What kind of tomatoes did YOU plant this year? None? Awwww...too bad
Gee, my mom's getting old
They're raising my rent! Will you help me move?
I went to the BEST concert.....nah, not really. It wasn't worth the $125 (but I won't admit it to you)

etc., etc.

Not too many people in normal work conversation say/admit:

My husb's a drunk, so he can't get it up.....
Hey, btw, I'm gay! <-------that's a party stopper, ain't it?

eom

[mondo joe]

56. Oh, but I disagree. "My partner and I went to our beach house this weekend" is

normal daily personal life.

"I've been dating this guy for the last year and we're moving in together" is normal personal life.

"I have such a celebrity crush on Jake Gyllenhall" is normal personal life.

Some of these examples wouldn't be typical for sharing with kids no matter what your orientation. But there are potential thousands of ways in which one would be revealed to be gay, if he or she were speaking casually and honestly.

[Mind_your_head]

58. Yep, true

"Some of these examples wouldn't be typical for sharing with kids no matter what your orientation."

[mondo joe]

59. There are thousands of ways heterosexual announce their orientation daily. nt

[shugah]

52. i voted yes initially, without really thinking this thru...

i don't expect my kids to ask teachers about their lives away from school and if they did, i would expect the teacher to respond with some variation of "that is none of your business."

but i may be wrong on this. my elementary school age son does know that his teacher is married, has a baby, and she (his teacher) shares personal anecdotes with the class from time to time - she volunteers the information, none of the kids ask her (afaik). so, perhaps by not saying out loud that you are gay, you are being stifled unfairly. it would not bother me if his teacher was gay and talked about a partner, and shared personal anecdotes. i guess it's the students asking a teacher what seems like an inappropriate question is what i'm getting hung up here.

assuming your decision is to say "yes" can you explain why you've reached that decision?

[JerseygirlCT]

61. No difference

But beyond that, details (gay or straight) have no place in the classroom.

Kids are pretty darned savvy anyway. As you say, I doubt it will be a big surprise.

[cally]

64. It might

I would want someone to answer honestly if they have a close relationship to the student so they can be a roll model. Otherwise, I wouldn't care. I live north of San Francisco. A teacher and his partner hired a friend of my daughter's to babysit before he was promoted to an admin position. Among the students, most know he's gay but he doesn't openly admit it. I've wondered if he believes he'll lose parent support if he's openly acknowledges it.

[dsc]

66. I have already done that with a student

who isn't in the GSA but who I am close to. He is having a rough time and we sort of bonded. As to why we don't. In my case I fear that I just am not good enough to be first. For better or worse they day after I confirm it to my students I will go from being just another teacher to many kids first gay teacher. That is what I fear. On edit I also fear, a little, that kids will respect me less in some cases. But I don't seem to be getting that now and if anything they might respect the honesty more.

[Mind_your_head]

68. Uhm, you're a 'good teacher' (have something valuable to transmit to others)

or you don't (being 'gay' has absolutely NOTHING to do with it ~ well, actually, I believe (and it's my opinion only and not scientific.....'gays' may have MORE to give to others because they have suffered more, thought thru things more, understand more why they love who they love.......

Peace,
M_Y_H

[tomreedtoon]

67. Question: Is Creskin a drug recommended by ...Kreskin?

I don't think "the Amazing Kreskin" has been operative for years, by the way.