Idiom Shortage Leaves Nation All Sewed Up In Horse Pies

[BurtWorm]

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/idiom_shortage_leaves_nation_all?utm_source=onion_rss_daily


WASHINGTON—A crippling idiom shortage that has left millions of Americans struggling to express themselves spread like tugboat hens throughout the U.S. mainland Tuesday in an unparalleled lingual crisis that now has the entire country six winks short of an icicle.

Since beginning two weeks ago, the deficit in these vernacular phrases has affected nearly every English speaker on the continent, making it virtually impossible to communicate symbolic ideas through a series of words that do not individually share the same meaning as the group of words as a whole. In what many are calling a cast-iron piano tune unlike any on record, idiomatic expression has been devastated nationwide.
Enlarge Image Idiom Shortage

Harvard's Howard Albright urges the U.S. idiom czar to release emergency replacement phrases.

"This is an absolute oyster carnival," said Harvard University linguistics professor Dr. Howard Albright, who noted that the 2008 idiom shortage has been the country's worst. "I don't know any other way to describe it."

Albright said that citizens in the South and West have been hit by the dearth of idioms like babies bite the bedpost, with people in those colorful expression–heavy regions unable to speak about anything related to rain storms, misers, sensations associated with nervousness, difficult or ironic predicaments, surprise at a younger relative's rapid increase in height, or love. In some areas, what few idioms remain are being bartered or sold at exorbitant prices. And, Albright claims, unless something is done before long to dry out the cinnamon jars, residents of Texas may soon cease speaking altogether.

"These people are desperate," said Albright, gesturing with his hands to indicate the severity of the problem there. "We've never seen anything like it. Some are being forced to choose between feeding their family and praising especially talented professional athletes. It's as if—it's really—it is bad."

...

[Orsino]

1. Utterly brilliant.

:rofl:

[roguevalley]

13. best thread header in a very long time.

[zanne]

2. I love it! nt

[ThomWV]

3. Outstanding!

[Dhalgren]

4. Well that will lace your boots up too tight to feel your toes!

[NoBorders]

5. Ha! Better than a turkey on short flume!

[slackmaster]

6. Highly recommended, best thing from The Onion in a long time

:kick:

[DireStrike]

7. Before I read this, I was feeling seriously stuck in the duke's VCR

But now it's like someone just trampled a checkbook and sorted out the tissues!

[yodermon]

8. In a related story, Dan Rather has been rendered Mute.

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/blratherisms.htm

[rurallib]

9. This is Hugh!111!

[Theres-a]

10. When penguins became pontiffs,

We all knew the dolphins would unfold.

[hisownpetard]

11. Hilarious.

[sybylla]

12. Ha! That really kicked my phone off the wall!

What a wonderful diversion for such an angry place to be these days.

[EstimatedProphet]

14. That was as funny as a chicken in a missile factory!

[lapislzi]

15. That hit me right between the pickle vats. Wow.

[B3Nut]

16. Doesn't that just knock your hat in the creek?

Lord love a duck...

[Maven]

17. Bahh!

:rofl:

[ProgressiveFool]

18. Pure Oyster Carnival! /nt

[SpiralHawk]

19. Slicker than snot on a doorknob

[Z_I_Peevey]

20. Somehow, I know Lee Mercer is to blame.

Cranberry carpet tacks! Noodle truck.

[BurtWorm]

21. Kicking this like a platypus in the potato field.

:kick: