Wal-Mart Arms Greeters With Semi-Automatic Weapons

[slackmaster]

BENTONVILLE, Ark. (CAP) - In the wake of the trampling death of one of its employees during a "Black Friday" shoppers stampede in Long Island, N.Y., Wal-Mart has announced that its greeters will be outfitted with body armor and Kimber ICQB semi-automatic pistols, effective immediately.

"We know our customers are always excited to experience our high quality merchandise and terrific values," said Wal-Mart director of security Clint Redman. "That said, we want them to realize that if they become unruly, we are within our rights to shoot them in the chest."

The move to arm greeters has raised eyebrows in some quarters, particularly given the problems Wal-Mart encountered in 2005 when it tried outfitting some greeters with Tasers. Wal-Mart aborted the program when it came out that more than half of those greeters wound up accidentally shocking themselves while on duty.

"It was getting to the point where small children wouldn't want to come into the store, because they were afraid they might see the greeter lying on the floor convulsing again," admitted Redman....



http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=75200812001

[Deja Q]

1. "High quality merchandise and terrific values"?! How much did the cue card cost?!!

Toxins, fall-aparts, entanglements, oh my...

[aquart]

2. No, really. Onion?

[CBGLuthier]

4. If it was the Onion it might have been funny

This is just second-rate satire.

[Regret My New Name]

7. Jeez... They can't all be gems.

[boozepusher]

3. I would think a billy club would suffice.

And it would be cheaper. Those Kimber's are expensive.

[sam sarrha]

8. a saw'd off shotgun is a better Crowd Stopper

[foo_bar]

12. that's the standard in Latin American retail from what I've seen

The joke here is a Wal*Mart employee handling dangerous machinery, obviously it would be outsourced to Blackwater.

[deaniac21]

15. Set up a sand bag possition and use the M19

[Ikonoklast]

27. The crowd will just call in close air support

Fixed defensive positions have their own liabilities.

[gogoplata]

5. About time.

lol

[dmallind]

6. Hate to be pedantic....

...but somebody's going to point out that the rifle pictured is not a semiautomatic (and certainly not a Kimber 1911) so it might as well be me.

Perhpas it's his own and he has the pistol concealed? ;)

[ShortnFiery]

24. It looks like a cross between a bb rifle and a .22 cal.

But with a f**king scope? :wtf: :shrug:

[ieoeja]

26. Are you certain?

I see neither bolt nor lever. It looks quite a lot like the semi-automatic I used as a kid.

[Javaman]

9. okay, so a person gets trampled because of shitty organization, lack of security

and very poor crowd control. So instead of setting up a long line of barriers that people have to pass through in small groups of 2s and 3s, they opt for using weapons.

how very republican of them.

[benEzra]

13. Umm, I think this is satire. (n/t)

[Javaman]

14. Dang, punked again.

I'm not the swiftest in the morning. :blush:

[seemslikeadream]

16. It's so difficult not to get punked these days

[Javaman]

22. oh so true...

it's like we live the onion daily.

[ShortnFiery]

25. Better than clearing a path with a Claymore antipersonnel mine.

:wtf:

But could WalMart be entrusted to set it up correctly? :P

FRONT TOWARD ENEMY

[SheilaT]

10. Yet another reason not to shop at WalMart.

Greeters armed with guns of any kind to not say "friendly" to me.

[SteppingRazor]

11. If this is a real story, I'm George Bush. n/t

[Ezlivin]

17. At least now they can deal with those who get in the Express Lane with more than 10 items.

Black Hawk down, aisle 4!

[tjwash]

18. LOL...I like the next story-"Airlines Roll Out New Punch-In-The-Face Fee"

Goodfrey went on to explain that tickets sold on or before July 4 will be subject to the charge. The new fee is assessed at the point of purchase and it gives airline employees, both on the plane and in the terminal, the freedom to walk up to passengers and punch them square in the face at any time during their flying experience.

"I have to fly for work, so I have no choice," said Bert Carlton, 47, of Flint, Mich., while trying to slow a heavy flow of blood from his nose. "At least with this fee, I'm getting to relive a piece of important aviation history I had no idea existed."

:rofl:

[lame54]

19. They probably have to buy their own ammo

[spin]

20. They might get a discount on the ammo WalMart sells...

and WalMart ammo is reasonably priced.

[cboy4]

21. The funniest apect of the story is reading the DUers who

believe it.

LOL

[ShortnFiery]

23. Yeppers! Personally, If I were a greeter, I'd select a double barrel shotgun.

Aim it in the general direction of attack and you can't miss. :evilgrin: