http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news1206/santacritical.htmlFreehold Iowa - Dick Dawkins, an unrepentant Atheist and local troublemaker is hospitalized and remains in not-critical-enough condition at the Landover Baptist Memorial Hospital for the Saved. Earlier this week, Dawkins thought he'd have a little fun at the expense of Christian sensitivity by dressing up as a pagan pedophile ("Santa Claus") and undermining the Jesusness of the cutthroat sale-searching going on at the Landover Baptist Shopping Mall.
"Santa ended up with a red butt full of lead before he made it halfway through the parking lot," Pastor Deacon Fred told reporters. "He also got himself two black eyes that made him look more like Frosty the Snowman than Lucifer’s gift-giving ambassador here on Earth!" As an annual precaution, Baptist Security officers and deputized Deacons are armed with shotguns, pepper spray and bullwhips, and stationed at each mall entranceway during the Christmas season. As usual, they all had orders to shoot Santa Claus on sight. Because of the 4-minute spray of bullets that downed the entire shoe department at JC Penny's last year, Pastor and Kay Jewelry salesmen Harold Pinkler had instructed mall security, 'Don't fire until you see the whites of his furry cuffs!' But thanks to the Godly efforts of our Baptist Junior High School students and and three young members of our Tots-4-Jesus Prayer Squad who were out putting, Jesus is the Reason for the Season flyers on car windows in the mall parking lot, Santa Claus' feeble attempt to spoil Christmas for True Christians™ ended on the tarmac outside the east wing of the Freehold, Iowa Baptist Mall. Praise God, who knows how many happy, Christian sweater shoppers' lives were saved by trying to kill Santa out in the parking lot this year!"
Dozens of Christian children from a Junior High Sunday School class were awarded the Landover Baptist Medal of Convenient Christian Service during last weekend's morning worship after risking their lives and a game of hockey to save the true meaning of Christmas. "Each of these children tell me they acted instinctively out of Godly concern as soon as they saw that fat red demon squeeze out of his VW Bug which was plastered with vile 'Obama '08' and 'Peace on Earth' bumper stickers," Pastor told parishioners on Sunday. "One boy tells me heard the voice of Jesus inside his heart whispering, 'There he is, Billy! There be the demon, Santa... My Nemesis. Creep softly My son... and make not a sound as you do My bidding. I live within you and My strength will guide you... NOW, GET THAT DANG FAT OLD DEMON! and Kill! Kill! KILL!' "
"Our precious Christian children snuck up behind Santa Claus and beat him unconscious," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "Then they held him down while Billy pumped a few rounds into his enormous behind. When ambulances arrived almost two hours later, a crowd of cheering church members along with the entire Landover Baptist Junior High Youth Group had already shown up. I'm told that each of them had a Godly opportunity to kick and spit on that old devil."
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