Auto Execs Forced To Be Valets For Wall Street Execs

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Washington DC – The tension in the air during today’s Senate hearings was palpable. Minutes after the formalities had ended, Senator Corker of Tennessee started in on the three CEO’s from the auto industry. “You know I’m going to ask this, so, why wait? How did you get here?”

“Drove,” said Ford CEO Alan Mulally. “Same here,” chimed in General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner. “Me too,” said Chrysler CEO Robert Nardelli.

“And?” said Corker, clearly annoyed. “Where are you staying? - Come on we don’t have all day!”

“Best Western,” said Mulally. “Motel 6,” said Wagoner. “Marriott,” said Nardelli, looking around the room for support. “I’ll - I’ll move.”

“Damn right you will!” yelled Senator Bennett of Utah.

“Let’s get down to business if you don’t mind,” Said Senator Dodd. “We have a lot of ground to cover. Now, we have the CEO of JP Morgan Chase, Jamie Dimon on speakerphone with us, to kind of oversee these proceeding. Now, tell us your plans to –“

“Why should we give you a dime!?” Interrupted Sen. Corker “You have blue collar workers and you… you make stuff – oh God I feel dirty just saying it! Plus, it’s well known that $19,000.00 from every car sold goes to union dues – union dues! I say, let you guys and your blue collar workers go down in flames!”

“I’m okay with that,” said Jamie Dimon on the speakerphone.

“The people in this country deserve a lot better from us than this,” said Senator Bernie Sanders. “This is just unbelievable, we’re suppose to be helping people not hastening the downfall of the economy.”

“There he goes talking about ‘the people’ again,” whispered Senator Shelby to Corker using air quotes around ‘the people.’ “If he says that one more time we should give another trillion to the banks.”

“Let’s do it!” said Jamie Dimon.

That’s when Robert Willumstad, CEO of AIG walked through the door. The room took on an awed hush waiting for the next command.

“We at AIG need another hundred billion,” intoned Willumstad. “No, make it two hundred.”

“Done!” said a chorus of Senators.

“And my valet quit today,” said Willumstad.

“Please, take one of them,” said Shelby, pointing toward the table full of auto CEO’s.

“I’ll take one too,” said Dimon from the speakerphone. “And I know someone Goldman Sachs who can take the third.”

“Good, then meeting's adjourned,” said Shelby as a majority of Senators stood to leave. “That was a day well spent.”

[Autumn]

1. Absolutely perfect

:toast:

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2. Thanks! Appreciated.

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3. I had to cut a lot of this because I didn't want it too long.

There was a section in the piece about not allowing the CEO's to use premium gasoline, and another about calls from 'the people' to Senators.

[Suich]

4. LOL!

Not only union dues, but health care also! I tried watching some of the hearings on TV but gave up after a couple of minutes.

Did you catch Michael Moore on Countdown the other night talking about the hearings?

:thumbsup: :thumbsup:

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5. You rock, Suich! And yes, caught Michael Moore the other night. He was great, as always.

[punkin87]

6. Too close to reality. K&R

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7. Yes, it is. That's why I hope this is seen. Congress has made a mockery of their institution.

Again.

[hbskifreak]

8. kudos

Hilarious. Scary, but true.

A

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11. Thanks much, Hbskifreak!

[RB TexLa]

9. Why the shot at Jamie Dimon? JPMorgan has been working a lot with Ford to help them

not have to use taxpayer money for their plan.

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10. Why the shot at Jamie Dimon? Really? Have you been paying any attention to what the banking industry

including Chase, has done to this country? They are not alone of course, but Jesus Christ, they helped.

And by the way - this is satire. I think you missed the point, I could have picked any banking CEO.

[suede1]

12. All Hail

our big banking overlords! Let us bow down and worship them and their absolute power over the world!

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15. Exactly!

[frankowen7]

16. But first, give them all our money.

[ihavenobias]

13. K & R

This is the best one so far!

:)

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14. Thanks! Glad you liked it.

But, I made a mistake that pisses me off.

[Usrename]

17. Mistake?!

Perfect, if you ask me!

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18. Thanks a lot!