Virgin: the world's best passenger complaint letter?

[SallyMander]

Dear Mr Branson

REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008

I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit.

Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at the hands of your corporation.

Look at this Richard. Just look at it:



I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the desert?

You don’t get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it’s next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That’s got to be the clue hasn’t it. No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato would they.

You should read the whole thing, there are more pictures! :rofl:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/travelnews/4344890/Virgin-the-worlds-best-passenger-complaint-letter.html

[Captain Hilts]

1. This is priceless! What a dumb-butt flight Mumbai to Heathrow must be!!!

[zbdent]

2. and what did they serve in first class?

[valerief]

3. Stuff from here.

http://www.lileks.com/institute/gallery/spec.html

[4 t 4]

4. Yes! It’s another crime-scene cookie.

the funniest thing I have read in years I am sitting here crying from laughing so much.

[Lucky 13]

5. You MUST go to the link and read the whole thing.

I'm sitting here in my cubicle at work CHOKING back laughter... and failing.

[SallyMander]

20. Glad you liked it

:D

[leftstreet]

6. "I swear the sponge shafts moved at one point"

:rofl:

Great read!

[Betsy Ross]

7. I have tears in my eyes. Thanks for posting. n/t

[SallyMander]

21. You're welcome!

My mom sent me that, and she NEVER sends forwards, so i knew it would be good! :D

[NV Whino]

8. That is hilarious!

[kiva]

9. Brilliant!

Are they for hire for writing complaint letters?

[ceile]

10. Hilarious!

"crime scene cookie"! :rofl:

[conscious evolution]

12. I'm bookmarking that one

One way or another I will find a way to use it here on DU.

[Kalyke]

15. First cousin to the Fudge-Striped Cookie.

:D

[Jim__]

11. Funny story! - n/t

[underpants]

13. Very funny

:bounce:

[Marr]

14. Good to know Jerome K. Jerome is still alive and travelling Europe.

Haha, sounds exactly like him.

[dixiegrrrrl]

18. Thank you for the recommendation of J.K. Jerome.

Ihave oft herad of him but not yet read any of his stuff.
the comparison you made helps me decide to try him out.

[dana_b]

16. what is that white stuff, Richard??

:rofl: That cookie in the bag was priceless.

[HillWilliam]

17. That's equally funny to the one I got in email this week, to wit:

A genuine complaint made to Devon & Cornwall constabulary

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board. As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon. The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen. What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like. I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant
???????

---------------------------------------------------------
Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police. As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ???????
Community Beat Officer

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear PC ???????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38
minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book of Records. Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama. Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance, as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in. Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
Regards
?????????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact!!!

Nobody beats the Brits for wit and sarcasm, served dry, stirred once, never shaken :)

[SallyMander]

19. HAHAHA!!!

Yup, gotta love the dry British humo(u)r. :D

:rofl:

[SallyMander]

22. Evening kick

for bad-plane-food hilarity. :D

[WyoHiker]

23. Too Damn Funny!!

I only got as far as the cookie with the "baffling presentation." I'll have to finish reading it tomorrow, when I've settled down a bit.

[LibbyTreehugger]

24. OMG

I'm laughing so hard I'm crying...

[SallyMander]

26. I was going to say "welcome to DU!"

But you've been here a while! :D

[Darth_Kitten]

25. LOL this is too funny......

Just look at it. :)

[Sabriel]

27. yes, read the whole letter

I'm still crying.