Limbaugh Travels to Canada for Surgery

[ThisThreadIsSatire]

SATIRE

News in Brief: March 3, 2009

Limbaugh Travels to Canada for Surgery
After American doctors refused to perform what they consider ‘unnecessary elective surgery’, conservative talk-radio pundit and neo-Nazi icon Rush Limbaugh traveled to Canada today, where physicians report he is resting comfortably after a 54-minute operation. During the procedure, known as a ‘liprectumy’ and performed under local anesthesia, surgeons successfully removed the lips of RNC Chairman Michael Steele and Georgia Representative Phil Gingrey from the porcine pill-popper’s considerable ass. Mr. Limbaugh’s insurance company declined coverage after two medical opinions both concluded that with 44 months remaining until the next Presidential election, performing the surgery now would provide only temporary relief at best.

Fatah, Hamas Reach Accord on ‘Two State’ Solution
In a stunning development, officials representing rival Palestinian groups Hamas and Fatah took only twelve minutes to hammer out an agreement on a ‘two state’ solution for disputed lands. Under their agreement, Fatah would control what are now defined as the ‘occupied territories’ on the West Bank and Gaza Strip. In return, Fatah would recognize Hamas as the legitimate government of all the territory currently referred to as ‘Israel’. Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni was muted in her response, saying that while she has “serious reservations about the plausibility of this scenario,” she nonetheless appreciates, “this historic moment when two of the three major players finally agreed on something.”

Surprise Ruling in C.I.A. Interrogation Tapes Lawsuit
The federal judge presiding over the ACLU’s Freedom of Information Act suit today ordered C.I.A. interrogators to “re-enact to the best of their recollection, and based on their expertise and experience - and on each other, not detainees,” the interrogations of terror suspects that appeared on the 92 video tapes destroyed by the agency in 2005. C.I.A. attorneys are expected to appeal the ruling.

Commerce Department Overhauls Terminology
After the three largest automakers all reported February sales at least 40% below the same period one year ago, the Commerce Department announced changes to its reporting terminology that it claims will “better represent the reality of current economic times as well as produce numbers more likely to build consumer confidence.” Beginning next month, used car sales will be eliminated from the automotive sector report, and instead be incorporated into the statistics for ‘sales of existing homes’.

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[Darth_Kitten]

1. When is Steele scheduled for his spinal implant?

;)

[ThisThreadIsSatire]

3. As soon as 'the Party'

picks up his insurance...

[TWiley]

2. I HOPE THE SURGEON FAILS !