Alberto Gonzales Named Attorney General of Sudan

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(Satire from http://www.TheDesperateBlogger.com)

Other Bush Officials May Follow AG ‘From Cartoon to Khartoum’

President Omar Hassan al-Bashir of Sudan announced that Alberto Gonzales has accepted his offer to become Sudan’s next Attorney General as well as a Presidential Special Counsel.

“In spite of the fact that he was employed by an infidel, imperialist regime that sought to colonize us, I am most pleased that Mr. Gonzales has accepted this most crucial position in our government,” Mr. Bashir told a captive audience of freelance journalists Friday afternoon, “He shares the values and priorities of this administration, and is an innovative thinker and noted scholar on the legal, moral, and social issues Sudan now faces.”

“I never dreamed I’d be voluntarily leaving my beloved homeland,” a choked-up Gonzales told a fidgety Career Day gathering of 5th graders at Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna Elementary School in San Antonio, “But the decision was made easier after talking to senior Sudan justice officials and learning that everyone there easily passes what I like to call ‘the Bush test’. From day one I’ll have a great, loyal crew working on the county’s business. I won’t need to fire anybody. Additionally, I have also been assured of a direct flight from the United States.”

“The direct flight, believe it or not, could have been a deal breaker,” according to Harvard Law Professor Christopher Toomey, “Sudan may be the only country where Mr. Gonzales would not have to worry about being either tried or extradited to face trial for war crimes. This is what you’d call a ‘great career move’ for him.”

“It’s also a logical move for Bashir,” human rights expert Bridget Duncan told the Los Angeles Times, “In legal circles, Alberto Gonzales is considered the modern-day father of both Civil Rights Nullification and Atrocities Justification, a rare combination which fits the needs of Sudan’s present government perfectly.”

In a related story, it is also anticipated that Bashir will soon announce the hiring of another former Bush administration official, former FEMA director Michael D. Brown. If he accepts the newly created cabinet-level position, Brown will be responsible for coordinating Darfur relief efforts in place of the 13 international aid agencies Bashir expelled from the country in retaliation for Wednesday’s war crimes indictment issued against him by International Criminal Court in The Hague.

In Other News:

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced that he will not accept the $438 million of additional aid pledged by the Obama Administration for Katrina reconstruction, saying, “In the first place, it’s too late. The government failed us once already, and I’m not going to give them a chance to do it again. And second, no word pisses off Louisiana Republicans more than ‘reconstruction’.”