Is it every worth it to stay with an abusive spouse? NO!

[serrano2008]

If my wife beat me up I would be out the door and wouldn't look back. Really, I love her with all my heart but she's not worth staying with if she beat the shit out of me. I would hope she would leave me also if I ever beat her up, she deserves better than that.

So what's with Rihanna going back with Chris Brown when he keeps beating her up? NO GUY is worth it. No matter how good the good times are or how nice or good looking or whatever a guy is, it ain't worth it. Just go out and find a new guy who is nicer and better looking and more respectful and smarter who doesn't hit you, there are millions of them out there.

No guy is worth it, no girl is worth it. Just move on.

[drmeow]

1. I wish it was that easy. eom

[espiral]

4. re:

"I wish it was that easy."

It's a lot easier than staying around until the day the crazy bastard murders you...

[Scout]

11. you obviously don't have a clue about this n/t

[espiral]

17. Ad hominem attacks don't make very good debate tactics. n/t

[Scout]

20. neither does not knowing what you are talking about n/t

[Maru Kitteh]

39. I DO know what I"m talking about and I totally agree with espiral

Leaving is always easier than being dead - or killing the bastard son-uva-bitch.

[distantearlywarning]

41. I know what I'm talking about too, and I agree with him/her also.

Certainly it's not easy, but it is better to leave.

[lukasahero]

35. I'll pass on the attacks and try to expound upon what the poster should have said

Abuse is much more complex than those who've never suffered it realize. Real abuse is, if not deliberate, strategic. There is a concerted effort to cut the 'victim' off from a support network (family, friends) and undermine confidence. Boston has conducted a survey of young people about this situation and the majority believe that Rhianna (sp?) did something to 'deserve' the beating. I bet she believes that too.

There's a phenomenon in abuse called 'crazy-making' where the abuser systematically goes about making you feel like you're the crazy one, you've brought this on yourself, you are remembering situations/facts wrong, it's your fault. YOU'RE unhinged, not the abuser. It's subtle and it's done over time. Obviously, it's easier to do with those who already lack self-confidence and self-esteem.

It's so easy for people who've never experienced the phenomenon to judge those who stay but really, aren't we as Democrats supposed to want to help all people rather than judge them?

[drmeow]

38. At the point we're talking about

she doesn't know he's going to murder her.

Also, she is at the GREATEST risk of being murdered when she leaves.

I stand by my statement - I wish it was that easy.

[polichick]

2. Supposedly there's a psychological component...

...that often has its roots in childhood violence/abuse ~ guess it ain't as simple as just saying no.

[serrano2008]

7. Right but staying continues the cycle...

If someone stays with an abuser then they are abusing the kids too so then those kids are going to be abused/abusers and then their kids.

Psychological schmicological. It is simple, just say NO!

[polichick]

8. I agree that the abused party should leave asap - I just don't think it's easy for some.

[Scout]

13. you, too, obviously know nothing about this kind of situation in real life n/t

[Tangerine LaBamba]

3. Theoreticals are easy.......

Practical actions are far more complicated than the simple scenario you paint.

[monmouth]

5. Absolutely not worth it.....n/t

[BlueJazz]

6. Some Women don't know where to get Help and are afraid to do so.

...also, people can be forgiving...even when they shouldn't be..

It's a complicated subject but still, the only "Good" thing is to Get OUT!

[Yavin4]

9. No Abusive Relationship Is Ever Worth It

Personal or professional.

[Scout]

10. you got kids? you got family in the area? can you support yourself?

do you have a place to live when you leave? have you been taught all your life that you are worthless? how can you protect your family from the harm promised to happen to them when you leave your abuser? what if you leave and he finds you and kills you?

sure, it's so easy, just end life as you know it, pick up and leave! start a new life! just move on, it's so easy.

:eyes:

asshole

[bicentennial_baby]

12. Thank you for that

:pals:

[Scout]

15. not a problem, you are welcome

:hug:

[WindRiverMan]

32. Damned straight!!!

My spouse has a personality disorder that is very hard to live with. I have been abused, no make that mentally tortured for years. The shit I put up with and have put up with is simply on the ridiculous level. I could tell stories about living with a borderline personality, OCD, wife..but fuck it, what is the point. If I bail, chances are she will get my son. The legal system is a frigging joke to men, and I have been to court enough times with this situation to make that statement firsthand. My stepson also has to be considered, I have no legal chance of getting him even though his father is a flake who makes an appearance about once every two years.

I stay because I am on the only stable parent and keeping my son safe and secure is my duty, I brought him into the world and my job is take the pain so he does not have to. Once he is old enough to make a choice (and make no mistake, I know who he will choose), things will be different and there will be a reckoning. Until then, I take the shit and suffer in silence.

[Maru Kitteh]

40. The so called "parent" who harms their children by staying with an abuser IS an ASSHOLE.

It's THAT easy.

[nichomachus]

14. That takes resources -- and a safe place

Some women just can't pack up, take the kids, and go to a safe place. Even if they could, that would mean leaving their friends and family and putting themselves into a homemade witness protection program.

Some of these abusers will hunt the women down and kill them if they leave.

Restraining orders aren't worth shit in protecting you from violence. They're good to have, but as I used to tell women in family court "These aren't shields." All they mean is that if the cops catch the restrained person near you, they have a reason to arrest him. They won't magically keep him from hurting you if he really wants to.

Many many domestic-abuse murders are against women who HAVE left the situation.

[librechik]

16. A guy like that would chase you, find you , and kill you without even knowing why

I would be terrified to leave or stay.

He needs to get off liquor. Which he hasn't.

He can't be depended upon to listen to reason. I am very afraid for Rihanna. But trying to pacify him by staying is one option that has fewer negative consequences (at least in her mind) then blowing the lid off and splitting.

Thank god there aren't any children yet.

[ejpoeta]

18. Should have seen on Oprah today.... I was shocked at the teens on there

who said it was Rhianna's fault she got hit. One girl said that she must feel guilty about something because she went back. friggin amazing!!

[polichick]

19. I heard on some show covering the Rhianna thing that 1 in 4 young women...

...are being abused by their boyfriends ~ that's astounding. Obviously there's been a lot of piss-poor parenting in this country.

[poverlay]

24. I couldn't agree with you more. If someone did that to my daughter she'd bitchslap him with a

baseball bat on her way out the door whilst on the phone summoning about a thousand people to come over and "abuse" the s.o.b. back. I've made very clear to her that I had better be her first call.

No one will ever make my little girl live in fear.

[polichick]

28. And who's raising these boys?!?!?!?

[rvablue]

22. Bad characterization of teens on Oprah and what they said

There was ONE! ONE! girl who said it was Rihanna's fault.

The only other thing that any of the teens said that was negative about her was that they were disappointed that she so quickly returned to the relationship.

[ejpoeta]

25. i heard at least two kids who said that type of thing.

One went back and forth. Brown shouldn't ahve done it but he was defending himself. Even if they didn't say it was her fault exactly, some of them said something like that. It was not a mischaracterization. It wasn't all of them, but some of them did make comments that sure sounded to me like they were blaming her.

[rvablue]

30. It was one, I repeat, one girl who said that....once on a videotaped piece while she was at school

and once again when the same exact girl was in the studio audience.

It was one girl.

[serrano2008]

21. Geez...you all are giving these people all the excuses they need to stay.

We need to start a movement right here right now. We'll call it, "It's OK To Leave"

Stop these damn excuses and just tell these people to leave. Call the cops. Call a friend. Make a friend. Go to your parents house. Go to your aunt's house. Go to a shelter. Just get in your car and drive anywhere.

Stop with the "it's not easy", "you don't know", "where will they go".

Nothing is easy! I do know, we've all been touched by abuse somehow! Just go somewhere!

Come on people, stand up and take a stand against the abusers. Don't give people reasons to stay, give them reasons to leave. I'm not blaming Rihanna or the other victims. But simply they'll never get the strength to leave and the resources they need and the help they need if they get on here and read all these pathetic excuses to stay.

It's OK to leave!

It's OK to leave!

It's OK to leave!

[polichick]

23. Not excuses, but a realization that there's more to it than just saying no...

Many abused people need psychological help in order to disconnect from their partner ~ barking orders never works.

[sallylou666]

26. Women need resources to leave

Saying it's ok to leave is not enough. These women need resources. That takes $$$. Donate to your local women's shelter.

[Juche]

29. It is not that easy

For one thing, abuse is natural. We live our entire lives under a system of reward and punishment and being controlled. If you cut your arm, your brain will torture you. If you humiliate yourself, you feel emotional pain. If you break the law the cops will kick the shit out of you. Like it or not, the dynamics of an abusive relationship exist in nature as a way to help us survive biologically and socialize. Not only that, but maybe (emphasis on maybe) we evolved to put up with abuse rather than directly confront abusers. If you are living with abuse, the people who silently put up with it may be less likely to end up dead or abandoned than the people who fight back. So maybe we've evolved to just 'put up with it'. For most of human history we have tolerated abusive governments and relationships between spouses and parents/kids. Only in the last 80 years or so has abuse become a bad thing.

I could easily see that system of 'natural' abuse and control that we all live with being warped in a DV relationship. however reversing that damage is probably going to be a very uphill climb.

[Scout]

34. "Just get in your car and drive anywhere"

i have no family in the area, i have no car, and my community has no domestic violence shelter for women. the man who is abusing me, my husband and father of our children, is a cop who can find me wherever i try to go.

but i'll just get in my car and leave, cuz on the internet they say "It's ok to leave! It's so easy to leave!"

why don't you put this much energy into finding the abusers and making them stop? it's so easy, it's ok!

you think women are too stupid to know that it's ok to leave an abusive situation? that they're just too stupid and weak to know any better?

you are half the problem, whether you actually hit anyone or not.

[Juche]

36. Damn, I'm sorry

based on your posts it was obvious you had personal experience, but if he is a cop then that makes it 10x worse. Have you contacted your state attorney general or the department's internal affairs office? Maybe they can help.

[serrano2008]

37. Scout...I'm sorry that you're in this situation.

The bad person here, the ONLY bad person here is your husband. I'm not blaming you or any woman who is abused for anything because I know it's the abuser's fault.

I'm 28 now and my Mom was abused by my stepdad and my grandma was abused by many step-grandpa's. I understand what you're going through and there are people out there that will help you.

Please try to find some help in your area, or a friend somewhere for some support to help get you and your kids out of that situation.

"why don't you put this much energy into finding the abusers and making them stop?" - There are people out there who specifically do this, lawyers, other law enforcement departments, women's groups.

I don't mind you taking your anger and frustration out on me if it helps you feel better, but I'll be praying for you to get help and for your husband to stop.

[Juche]

27. This issue is alot more complex than that

Alot of people in abusive relationships have had their self worth destroyed either by abuse before that relationship or by abuse in that relationship. If you have decent self worth, a life that has been free of abuse and mistreatment up until the incident, a good network outside of your spouse you can rely on for shelter and sustinence, and the ability to see the big picture of your situation leaving is probably easy. If you have a history of abuse, you have been beaten down, have few resources on the outside and have been beaten down until you can't see the situation for what it really is, it is going to be hard to leave.

Not only that but statements like 'just leave' have an unspoken implication that the victim of DV is too weak to do what a 'normal' person would do, which just shames the victim into driving the issue underground.

[stray cat]

31. its hard to be permanantly disabled and leave your health insurance and finanial livlihood behind

or to put the kids out on the street with yourself. I think sometimes the decision is complicated and may depend on the level of abuse. Sometimes you just make sure you have pepperspray available, a lock on the inside of a room to lock the person out and a quickdial phone to call the police.

[sandyj999]

33. It isn't that simple unfortunately.

When the person is being abused they somehow place the blame on themselves. They feel must be doing something wrong to trigger the abuse which in turn causes them to think even less of themselves. It becomes a sick cycle. My past life taught me that but I was the lucky one and got out of it before there was nothing left of me. I can totally understand the psychology of it now.