"Off With Those Pants": Bill O'Reilly Seduces You in Clips From His Dirty Audiobook

[Stephanie]

From the Village Voice:

http://blogs.villagevoice.com/runninscared/archives/2009/03/off_with_those.php


"Off With Those Pants": Bill O'Reilly Seduces You in Clips From His Dirty Audiobook
Posted by Alan Scherstuhl at 8:56 AM, March 17, 2009

===snip===

Last week, when your Crap Archivist got all aghast about the inexcusable creepiness that is The O'Reilly Factor For Kids, I failed to point out something important: horrifying as it is, The O'Reilly Factor For Kids is far from Bill O'Reilly's worst - or creepiest -- book.
 
That honor goes to Those Who Trespass, his 1998 novel about an O'Reilly-esque TV journalist who is trained by an Irish Republican Army terrorist to kill the people who deserve it the most: the broadcast news bastards who interfered with the O'Reilly character's career. It's personal on the political level, too -- his victims includes a powerful "bitch" named Hillary and a fat "slob" named Martin Moore.

Before the clips, a bit of context.

The murderer, Shannon Michaels, is pursued by an O'Reilly-esque cop, Tommy O'Malley. These two Irish-Americans share their author's tough-talk, lust for power, and (alleged!) belief that the best way to seduce a woman is to seize her breasts, preferably as she showers.

===snip===

Here's choice samples of O'Reilly's prose, read by he who trespasses against the English language himself. 

Bill O'Reilly Seduces You

This first one comes from an exchange between "Robo," a crack dealer, and his underage girlfriends.

"Say baby, put down that pipe and get my pipe up."

audio at link

"I would like you to unhook your bra and let it slide down your arms. You can keep your shirt on."

audio at link

"Cup your hands under your breasts and hold them for ten seconds."


audio at link

"Off with those pants."

audio at link


Bill O'Reilly Tells You How to Do It



Cunnilingus involves the lips and tongue.

audio at link




Visit your dentist regularly.

audio at link




Pipe slow-jam music into your shower!

audio at link


O'Reilly Potpourri 


Other Those Who Trespass highlights include:
 


Music criticism:
 

audio at link




Bizarre confessions:
 

audio at link


"I wish I were a lesbian."

audio at link


And the thinking that would one day inspire the creation of The O'Reilly Factor: 

Many more pleasures await those intrepid enough to trespass deeper. The audio book is available on Audible, and used copies start around $12 on Amazon, where the paperback also fetches a pretty penny -- as in one whole cent.
 
Whether you explore more or not, remember: there's a difference between oral sex and oral hygiene. Please, choose responsibly.


[SpiralHawk]

1. Wide-stance Republicon Family Values

The same kind of Republicon values that helped O'Reilly avoid military service, so he could become a Righteous Republicon Chickenhawk war-mongering lecher propagandist.

[musette_sf]

2. adding to Audible wish list!!!

will download with next month's credits. i had no idea this turgid turd was available with Bildo his own self narrating!!! it'll be a commuting laff riot.

[Stephanie]

3. Listen to the clips

He even sounds bored with himself.

[ddeclue]

4. He's a creep - is it any wonder that he writes creepy books?

:shrug:

[babylonsister]

5. Sorry, Stephanie,

can't. go. there. Ewwwwww! :scared:

[Stephanie]

9. Bill wants YOU, sister

Take off your pants!

[musette_sf]

11. reminds me of a classic Beavis & Butt-Head moment...

(video: Violent Femmes "Breaking Up")

Gordon Gano: Dark voices are talking to me...

Butt-head: Hey Beavis, that guy says he hears dark voices in his head.

Beavis: Oh really? I hear voices too, but it's like, usually they're white guys. Sometimes it's, like, you know, a Chinese dude too, that talks to me. And a couple of Mexicans.

Butt-head: Really? What does the Chinese guy say?

Beavis: He says "Pull down your pants. Spank your monkey."

Butt-head: And what does the white guy say?

Beavis: The same thing. But he talks just like me.

[AlCzervik]

6. Al Franken used to read some of the passages from Billo the clowns book on the air, disgusting

yet hilarious.

[Stephanie]

10. Even more hilarious when O'Really reads them himself

He sounds bored out of his mind, as if he's reading someone else's putrid prose.

[zanne]

7. GAH!

I'm not hugry anymore. Cancel my lunch order.

[Stephanie]

8. Did you order falafel?

[Stevenmarc]

12. Bill O'Reilly makes sex as interesting as cleaning your dryers lint filter

[Stephanie]

13. No wonder he's so angry all the time.

[originalpckelly]

14. It just hit me: Why not have a Bill O'Reilly soundboard made from this?

Like this Ahnold one:
http://www.crocopuffs.com/soundboard/arnold.html

Seriously, someone should prank the office of the governator, or like another state office with this shit.

[originalpckelly]

15. Oh and someone should call into Bill's show and play these into the phone.

:P

[Stephanie]

16. Kos has this up too - comments are hilarious

People are suggesting we use the clips as ringtones.

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2009/3/17/135951/546?detail=f