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JeffR
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Sat Apr-11-09 12:03 PM Original message |
| *** DUzy Awards for week ending April 10, 2009 *** |
 Welcome to the bespectacled DUzy Awards, recognizing exceptional snark, enlivening satire and epigrammatic sass from the past week on DU. Congratulations to this week's winners!The DUzy Awards might just be announced every Friday night. Previous awards can be found in my journal. Note to Mods: Skinner has authorized the DUzy Awards to be posted in GD. OP by Bicoastal: Don't get mad, HIT IGNORE! (As seen on DU) Hi, I'm Democratic Underground personality Bicoastal, here to tell you about an EXCITING new offer! Tired of other posters getting you down with their hyperbolic language and complete failure to find middle ground? Unable to fit in with either the "Obama can do no wrong" mob or the "Obama can do no right" mob? Wish there was some way you didn't have to read posts that insult your intelligence and/or you personally? "There's got to be a better way!" NOW THERE IS! Introducing the new and improved, handy-dandy Ignore Function! Yes, the Ignore Function, so useful during the Primaries last year, allows you AND your loved ones to not read anything that you yourself don't wish to corrupt your eyeballs with! Suddenly, all of the posters who never compromise an inch and never truly discuss anything, but continue to pump out infuriating and/or mindless invective day after day, turn INVISIBLE to the naked eye! Just click 'em, and FORGET 'EM! "But Bicoastal! That's not my style! I enjoy a healthy diversity of opinion, and I wouldn't want to eliminate a viewpoint I may find myself agreeing with! Isn't that the essence of Democracy?" Yes, but with the Ignore Function, you don't HAVE to eliminate a "viewpoint!" Just single out the jerks who HAVE no views and just seem to enjoy 1) hijacking threads, 2) starting flamewars, or 3) lead you into endless ranting non-conversations of insults until you find yourself so mad you want to reach through the computer screen and throttle them! Worse yet, it prevents you from TURNING INTO one of these aforementioned jerks! "But Bicoastal! Wouldn't these same loudmouths then accuse me of fleeing their so-called "arguments" and declare victory?" Ah, but with the Ignore Function, you don't have to SEE their accusations OR victory dance! Just click 'em, and FORGET 'EM! It also eliminates the need to write yet another meaningless "DU isn't the way it used to be" or "I wish people here were nicer/smarter/better Democrats" thread that, although frequently K&R'ed, often revert into more unwanted recriminations and hurt feelings! According to medical science, the Ignore Function will lower blood pressure, prevent misuse of the keyboard, and provide you and your love ones with the happy, healthy, informative DU experience you've come to enjoy over the last eight years! "Wow, Bicoastal! The Ignore Function sounds too good to be true!" BUT WAIT! Act now and for a non-limited time only, you will also receive the "Ignore *Thread* Function!" It allows you to block NOT a poster but a particular thread you don't wish to read--perhaps on a hot-button DU issue (i.e. circumcision) you know will devolve into more mindless jibber-jabber! The Ignore *Thread* Function--"For when even your self-restraint fails you." This generous two-part offer can't last! ACT NOW! (This has been a public service announcement by Bicoastal Enterprises Ltd., a subsidiary of the Ignorance Is Bliss Company.) Tangerine LaBamba: I HAVE MY CREDIT CARD READY!!!!! I'm signing up within fifteen minutes. Does that mean I get the free steak knives? Or only personal redemption? That is one great post - K&R -and I can vouch for its content. My Ignore list grows daily and, as a result, I've missed almost all of the posts that have some good people upset. It seems my gift for spotting people I'd rather not deal with is great, and, what's really funny is that I rarely encounter an "ignored" post in any of the threads that I read. So, either I've ignored a lot of one-time trolls, or else they're a group, a circular firing squad, who are feeding each other's goofiness in their own special threads - which I never see. So, am I getting the steak knives? Contrary1: I've already purchased an Ignore Function Program from Ron Popeil. Unlike the Bicoastal model, mine slices and dices too! Lets me inflict some much-deserved pain on those obnoxious posters before I put them on ignore. So there. The Straight Story: But wait, if you ignore now you can ignore two posters with a single click, call now :) azmouse: Can I get a volume discount on the use of the ignore function? ColesCountyDem: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Do I also get the handy-dandy bookmark feature? ;) SoCalDem: But but but, Bicoastal I do use ignore sometimes (see primaries), and then my page 1 has only 2 threads and all this blank space... :rofl: Starry Messenger: Nine out of Ten Doctors recommend the Ignore Button: The Ignore Button ACTS FAST and BURNS CALORIES. There are ZERO FAT and ZERO CARBS in Ignore Function. The Ignore Thread feature has been proved by MEDICAL SCIENCE to lower arterial plaque and to retard HAIR LOSS and TOOTH DECAY. Act fast today! Regret My New Name: I ignore everyone who has a different opinion than me on anything... It's just how I roll. I didn't like your usage of the word "circumcision", so I'm ignoring you... ~toodles ;) Snazzy: lol @ "i.e. circumcision" hot-button Maybe with web 3.0 we can get a Tivo-like learning function and automagically ignore, uh, painful topics. On a thread by Botany: Sean Hannity "The love affair of Europe with Obama is waning." sakabatou: Hannity's pants have exploded... again. On a thread by jefferson_dem: Gingrinch goes on Faux and plays the role of tough guy. "I would've disabled missile." "Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich told 'Fox News Sunday' that he would have disabled the long-range missile before North Korea launched it, saying too many people 'do not appreciate the scale of the threat that is evolving on the planet...'" AzDar: And then once it was disabled, Newt would have told it he wants a divorce. :rofl: On a thread by Duer 157099: King Henry VIII - why no surviving male heirs? scarletwoman: Because God was mad at him? Sorry, couldn't help myself. :hide: On a thread by No Passaran: Focus on the Family narrator arrested for luring teenage girl for sex on Net izquierdista: I guess he was too focused on the family The adolescent part of it. :rofl: :rofl: OP by skooooo: Obama talking about freedom and democracy of turkeys! WTF? Turkeys never did crap but run around and lose their feathers until Thanksgiving! On a thread by leftofthedial: Regarding Obama on health care... What are your expectations? Jakes Progress: Expectations? Status Quo With hoopla. GDP, April 6, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8325970 On a thread by TheCoxwain: who is the motherfucker on Lou Dobbs spouting shit? icnorth: Lou Dobbs. n/t On a thread by Locut0s: Name people you were disappointed to learn were republican/right wing. dixiegrrrrl: Pelosi, and Reid. No other explanation for it. OP title by ddeclue: Why is it that every time I have a nightmare it is that I am back working at Kroger OP by arcadian: When Obama assigns you a freeper to re-educate, what are you going to do with him? I'm gonna make mine learn French and then translate the complete works of George Orwell into French. Then I'll make him learn Swahili and do the same thing. Oh, and he'll do my laundry and cut my grass, fetch me tea and so forth. Now that's a tea bag party I can live with. BlooInBloo: Bring him/her to my urban hellhole, see a gay club, a book reading, and a play. doctor jazz: Marinate him. :evilgrin: arcadian: Free Republic is people! You see, I could have done a Soylent Green or Twilight Zone 'To Serve Man' reference here, I, I went with Soylent. Barack_America: Drop him off in the middle of West Philly. I believe in the "sink or swim" approach to re-education. ;) baldguy: Make sure he wears his "White Power!" t-shirt. He'll get all the help he needs once everyone understands he's a Christian. polichick: Mine will get a giant peace sign tattooed on each butt cheek. The Velveteen Ocelot: I'll dress him in a hemp fiber tunic and Birkenstocks, feed him tofu, and make him drive me to my tai chi classes in a Prius. jobycom: Answer all his questions by holding up a flower, until he smiles knowingly. Toucano: First, we'll watch "Auntie Mame" Teach them to LIVE LIVE LIVE! Then I will give my charge a notebook and tell him to write down anything he doesn't understand because I can't be bothered to explain everything at every turn. After that, my curriculum will be based on the pupil's needs, but I am sure it will involve hanging out with a lot of people DIFFERENT from him, eating things they never heard of, and a trip or two to a Unitarian church. SalmonChantedEvening: We'll start with grammar. Baby steps... From there we'll try reading comprehension. Then table manners. Brazenly Liberal: First he will learn why the grass is taller and greener where the dogs hang out Then he will learn what it's like to sleep in the barn. Then he will get cram courses in tilling, weeding, and shovelling out the henhouse. Then, of course, it's speaking Russian, marching funny and drinking "wodka." I know a lot of people would prefer teaching him Arabic, how to build IED's and aviation, but what can I say? I'm old school. rucky: First I'll take his guns. Then I'll turn him gay and make him have an abortion. Then after bathing him in patchouli, I'll dress him in a tye-dye diaper and parade him down the street on a moped as he yells "hail Satan" Stevenmarc: Show him that if he's going to teabag he'll need a Brazilian agentS: The Grand Tour: New Orleans, South Florida, Galveston, Antarctica- I call it the "voting has consequences" tour. For the record, I disagree with the term "re-educate". I think the term "De-Bushification" (a la De-Baathification) should be used. IF IT COMES TO THIS, where the President has to assign his donor base to de-bushify the remaining 26% of the population that is still supporting Bush and conservatism without consciousness or even forethought, then I'm not gonna be a happy camper, and neither will the poor soul who gets stuck with me. Location 1: New Orleans 9th ward. Yes that's right folks; we're starting off with a tour of Hurricane FEMA. We're gonna go to the houses with the red X's on them. And I'm bringing the photos of the dead as well. And the US Corps of engineers request document from 2002 stating their request for funds to upgrade the levees. And we'll pay a visit to those FEMA trailers that made people's eyes bleed! Oh yes, that's right, we'll wrap up with a visit to the levees that still aren't fully functional. And finally, we'll pay a visit to Algiers point where white folks shot black refugees- I'll have him meet one of those refugees who was shot. I'm not playing nice today, folks. Location 2: Texas coastline along Galveston. Bush's home state of sorts gets a quick visit. We're gonna see the coastline that was ravaged by the recent Hurricane. As was reported, the debris is still out there, but that was a few months ago. We'll take a look at the homes and lives wrecked. Also, we'll take a look at the biological warfare facility built nearby- pretty nice place for one of those, huh? I'll try and arrange a visit with a climatologist so my Freeper charge' will understand that Galveston isn't the end- it's the beginning. Location 3: South Florida's tomato fields. You remember the worker's strike and Taco Bell being forced to increase their payout for tomatoes? Yup, we're going to those fields, which pretty much meet the definition of modern slavery. We'll talk to workers lured to America by smugglers on false promises and even held in chains. We'll even join them on a backbreaking 8 hour shift in the fields, unsanitary conditions and all. We'll see how he feels about illegal immigrants after that little jaunt. Location 4: The church shooting location in Tennessee. I told you I wasn't going to be playing nice. He's gonna see what happens, up close and personal what happens to people when they read too much right-wing literature. Location 5: Matthew Sheppard's memorial. I thought about taking the Freeper to the Castro, but I'm not quite sure what that would lead to. Instead, he needs to see up close and personal what homophobia leads to. Innocent little comments (ya rite innocent, man) eventually lead to dead bodies. Location 6: The Santa Monica parking lots- i.e. the Bushvilles. I think my Freeper needs to see the result of class warfare up close and personal, don't you? Mandatory interviews with people who had the same job and money and beliefs that my Freeper has but wound up there anyway. Maybe they can trade notes on "personal responsibility", but I'm hoping they trade notes on trickle-down economics. Location 7: The airport. I'll prearrange it with the TSA to have my charge placed on the No Fly List accidentally. He can understand what it's like to have to prove to people you're not a "Islamofascist" or whatever. I should bring Ted Kennedy along to help him thru the process, since he knows what it's like firsthand. Strip search mandatory. Location 8: Antarctica's Wilkens Ice Shelf. Maybe the Freeper doesn't believe in global warming. OK, so then I'd like for him to explain this to me while chunks of the Antarctic fall off into the ocean and penguins die of blizzard exposure (where blizzards almost never happen). Location 9: Congo. The Freeper can see firsthand what happens when corporations run wild and good people do nothing in the world. Location 10: Kirkuk, Iraq. Of course, the Freeper should see how well the war effort turned out for the Kurds, whom we abandoned after the first Gulf war. We'll even let him/her walk around without body armor thru a market, just like John McCain. What? Wasn't it conservatives who said that Iraq is safer than some American cities? Location 11: Sweden. Maybe if the Freeper sees a "liberal democracy" up close and personal, they might have second thoughts about how "great" our health care system is. Location 12: Baku, Azerbaijan. Y'know that pesky FDA and EPA that conservatives always want to abolish? Baku doesn't have that. That must be why it's one of the most polluted cities in the world. For fun, we'll go the the 'doorway to hell' in nearby Uzbekistan. Basically it's an out of control natural gas fire-pit. Location 13: Uganda. I hope the Freeper likes evangelical Christianity because in Uganda he can see what it can do to a population. Finding accused witches and gay people to interview might be harder to find that I would like. Location 14: Alaska's North Slope. Remember Drill Baby Drill? I SURE DO! Let's take the Freeper to the pristine ANWR for a few days, and then to where drilling and pipeline building actually occurs. Hope he brings an extra pair of boots because that oil spill won't come off easy. I hope he asks why the ground is so soggy these days. And the lack of wildlife? I thought according to FOX NOISE Channel that elks like hot oil pipelines! Transportation: Chevy Volt or that Ford hydrogen SUV. Driver; Jack Clark from Blast the Right radio podcast. reading material: Conservatives without Conscious by John Dean. If after all that, this person is still a conservative, I'll give him a million bucks. OP by HiFructosePronSyrup: Why is Obama's Secret Service still protecting Bush and Cheney? The Secret Service used to provide security for Bush. And now they're still providing security. So much for change, Mr. Obama. And why are WH medical staff refusing to release lurid details of their medical exams? After all Bush and Cheney have done, do they still deserve the doctor/patient confidentiality and Hippocratic oath? What sort of unethical doctors does Obama hire? And why are Department of Justice lawyers still defending their clients in a civil lawsuit to the best of their ability? If Obama doesn't offer lengthy comments on this on-going civil suit, I'm going to have to assume he supports the warrantless wiretapping he's discontinued. OP by WilliamPitt: Raise your hand if you're sick of how the Palin family always makes the news... ...*hand not raised*... Are you kidding me? I want Palin in the news every day. Her, her kids, this Levi person, whatever, I don't care as long as it's "Palin-y" and hilarious...and while they're at it, I also want the leftover dregs of the erstwhile McCain campaign to pipe up now and again with their own crudball comments about Palin and that wacky brood of hers. Every day. Do a Google News search for "Palin," just the one word. Look at some of the headlines that come up: Levi Johnston calls Sarah Palin 'snobby,' says his family is not 'white trash' on CBS' 'Early Show' Texas man creates rogue Palin legal defense fund VIDEO: Eminem Takes Shots at Palin, Simpson, Lohan and More! Palin pushes for better missile defense (Remember, she can see Russia from her porch; North Korea is on the horizon) The awesomeness simply cannot be denied. She's the front-runner for the GOP nomination, remember. More, please. :rofl: Barack_America: Nah. I miss my trash gossip ever since Britney got her shit together. nt booley: Damn it's a catch 22 Even complaining that one is sick of hearing about the Palins and their soap opera requires mentioning the Palins and their soap opera. WilliamPitt: It's called "a perfect circle" Praise FSM... ;) hatrack: I want the name "Palin" and "anhydrous ammonia theft" in the same headline before the year is out. And that's only my number-one request from the Tundra Dharma Wheel. OP by Peacetrain: Just back from trying to take the Obama bumper sticker off my car.. I tried to peel it back, and it took on a life of its own and pulled out of my hand and restuck itself to the bumper ~(cue scary music)~ Undaunted I got out a pen knife and started trying to scrape off the bumper sticker. The pieces fell to the ground, they then started to regenerate themselves into brand new stickers. This is where it gets weird The new stickers, at least 100, sprouted teeny tiny legs and ran up and down the street, sticking themselves to every car bumper in sight. They even jumped on little kids' bicycles. When they attached themselves to the 85 year old lady's purse who was crossing the street, I ran back inside my house and locked the door. I am now sitting in my basement, typing this last entry.. What does it all mean? GULP! :hide: OP by Yavin4: Last Time Bush Was In Iraq, He Got A Free Pair of Shoes. What Did Obama Get? Nothing. So there. On a thread by HiFructosePronSyrup: Man shoots himself during "The Watchmen" screening. DS1: I can safely say he now contains less mass compared to when he was alive /Manhattan On a thread by WCGreen: So what is it about America that makes us great, or more precise, unique? npk: Curbside service I don't believe you can get that anywhere else. provis99: The Demolition Derby is what makes us unique. What other country would have thought that up? Take that and stuff it up your cultured asses, Europe! leftofthedial: gullibility endless reservoirs of gullibility On a thread by MadBadger: My Gym is Closed from Friday at 12PM until Monday for "Holidays." This is BS. My gym isn't some private business. Its the gym at the University of Wisconsin, a public school. We shouldnt close down our buildings for Easter, and especially not for the day before Easter. I mean I can see their argument for closing down on Friday and Sunday, though I still think that argument is BS. But why Saturday? Orrex: You should lug a heavy cross across campus in protest It's political and cardio. On a thread by cobalt1999: Old Dogs are the Best Dogs dipsydoodle: That's why I wasn't wholly against Katherine Harris. :rofl: Poll question by zulchzulu: Karl Rove calling Joe Biden a liar is like... :bluebox: ...a chicken saying in Tongalese that eggs are evil and wrong :bluebox: ...saying that toilet paper should only be used on Thursday evenings between 6-7 PM :bluebox: ...saying that puppies are only good for being your accountant :bluebox: ...saying that sticking a red-hot needle in your eye won't hurt... really... :bluebox: ...saying that eating your arm tastes better with a coating of super glue :bluebox: ...saying that Cheech and Chong never, ever smoked a doobie :bluebox: ...saying that Sarah Palin will one day be a male heavyweight wrestler :bluebox: All the above :bluebox: ...female hippopotami secreting an oil with a flavor similar to strawberries :bluebox: Other zeemike: What? Cheech and Chong smoked pot? Who would have known. well except for that one all of the above. I am still not believing that they would have ever smoked pot.  On a locked thread: I Don't Believe In Tipping TygrBright: Locking Recess is over. primly, Bright  OP by republicansarewhores: Coming up this week on Glenn Wreck... response #6 by rurallib GD, April 5, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5396531 OP by ashling: 00Newt to the rescue! response #6 by rurallib GD, April 6, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5399909 OP by underpants: A quick reminder of the old Turkey policy response #2 by jberryhill GDP, April 6, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8324406 OP by devilgrrl: I'm increasingly concerned that President Obama only allows hand picked crowds to his appearances. response #1 by doctor jazz response #25 by progressoid response #64 by The Doctor. response #70 by wolfgirl response #74 by L. Coyote And many more. GD, April 7, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5408884 On a thread by Amerigo Vespucci: BREAKING NEWS: Huffington Post's hard-hitting, Pulitzer-worthy coverage of Mika Brzezinski's feet response #6 by TexasObserver response #7 by TahitiNut response #8 by MichaelHarris GD, April 7, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5405496 On a thread by Renew Deal: This guy takes his business card seriously response #11 by Renew Deal in response to response #6 The Lounge, April 10, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8680719 |
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| bridgit
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Sat Apr-11-09 12:29 PM Response to Original message |
| 1. ~_~ |
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| Ghost in the Machine
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Sat Apr-11-09 12:32 PM Response to Original message |
| 2. KICK.... |
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| annabanana
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Sat Apr-11-09 12:43 PM Response to Original message |
| 3. giggle & kick!. . . . . . . . . .. n/t |
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| progressoid
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Sat Apr-11-09 12:43 PM Response to Original message |
| 4. Yea for the DUzy! |
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| cabbage08
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Sat Apr-11-09 01:06 PM Response to Original message |
| 5. Kick |
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| ColbertWatcher
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Sat Apr-11-09 01:39 PM Response to Original message |
| 6. k+r, n/t |
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| alfredo
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Sat Apr-11-09 01:55 PM Response to Original message |
| 7. Ass Kickin'Duzy's. |
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| The Straight Story
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Sat Apr-11-09 03:11 PM Response to Original message |
| 8. Kicking for more media exposure |
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| Tangerine LaBamba
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Sat Apr-11-09 03:12 PM Response to Original message |
| 9. Oh, man ........ |
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| NV Whino
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Sat Apr-11-09 05:36 PM Response to Original message |
| 10. Kick for the DUzys! |
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| malaise
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Sat Apr-11-09 05:40 PM Response to Original message |
| 11. Great DUzys |
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| Starry Messenger
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Sat Apr-11-09 06:52 PM Response to Original message |
| 12. kick for the evening crowd. n/t |
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| dixiegrrrrl
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Sat Apr-11-09 08:26 PM Response to Original message |
| 13. Thank you whoever sent in a Duzy for me.. |
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