X-Posted from the Lounge. Dealing with a parent whose judgment is failing.

[Mike 03]

I hope it's okay to post this here in order to survey more advice. It's urgent to me to get as many opinions as possible as quickly as possible. (Mods: If this does not belong in GD, please lock and delete it, but this post didn't get much attention in the Lounge.)

My father is undergoing treatment for (incurable) cancer, and he is at the point where the amount of painkillers he is taking, combined with other factors, is impairing his ability to drive. We have a fairly curvy, way-too-fast 90 minute drive for his therapy, and it seems to be important to his self-esteem to do the driving. This worries me, because he's always driving with my mother, or myself or one of my sisters in the car. The most horrific thing I can imagine would be a crash that takes out my mother, me and my father. He drives way too fast for this drive, which is a descent from 5,000 feet above sea level to the desert.

It's not that my dad is not a good driver: He is a great driver, but as he takes more meds, his reaction time is slowing, but his speed is increasing. It makes me nervous as hell.

Is there some delicate, caring, unhurtful way to address this problem? I think it would be better if, at least some of the time, he allowed other people to drive.

We have two very important, stressful meetings coming up, this week and next week, and I'm going to have to either drive myself separately or drive with him, or figure out some graceful way of convincing him to allow me, or my mother, to drive.

I just think it would be better and safer if he would not insist on driving in his current condition, but there's that whole father son thing and I am afraid to confront him on this issue.

Any ideas or suggestions on how to deal with this would be appreciated.

ON EDIT:

I received some very good advice, but it would entail going behind my father's back and talking to his doctors and nurse. I am willing to do that. It's great advice, and it would work.

But before I go to that extreme, I just want to make sure there are not other ideas that I'm not thinking of.

[grasswire]

1. how does your mother feel about riding with him? (eom)

[Mike 03]

12. She claims to not feel any fear at all, but she has been strangely unemotional lately. I think

she is trying to be "strong."

[Hello_Kitty]

2. Might it be illegal for him to drive on those meds?

I assume you're talking about something stronger than Advil so it's probably something that impairs his ability to drive.

[Mike 03]

14. Yes, it is opiates. But they are prescribed by his doctors, and they know he has to

drive for an hour and a half to get down to the hospital.

[Laelth]

28. In GA the test for a DUI is "impaired," and a prescription is irrelevant.

If your Dad is "impaired" in any way (and any opiate in the bloodstream is probably evidence of impairment), and if your state's laws are like Georgia's (and they probably are), it is illegal for your father to drive while taking those meds., and you and your mother are aiding and abetting a crime when you let him drive.

Look up your state's laws. Show him that it's illegal for him to drive while taking those meds. That ought to do it.

Good luck.

:dem:

-Laelth

[geckosfeet]

3. When my wife was sick and undergoing treatment, and in a very similar situation,

the social worker assigned to us through the hospital contacted the motor vehicle department and her drivers license was revoked. It was heartbreaking to both of us but we knew it was no longer safe for her to be behind the wheel of a car.

So I would say that if the hospital has assigned a social worker to contact that person.

[Mike 03]

16. Wow, that is helpful. So far, the hospital has not assigned anyone, but I think

when the time comes, it could be done.

Thank you...

Yes, it is painful, really painful. Thanks for writing!

[shraby]

4. Confront him in a tactful way before anyone gets

hurt. I wouldn't be a bad idea to speak to his doctor(s) and tell them the problem. They may have some suggestions or they may say something to wake your Dad up to the danger he poses to others. It might help to look up on the internet the meds he's taking and any precautions mentioned. If there are, print them out and show them to him and use it as an opening to alert him to the problem.

[notadmblnd]

5. Maybe talk to his Dr and ask him about dad driving?

he could assess the situation and tell your dad?

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

6. Tell him your Mom is afraid she will forget how to drive

and that she needs to take the wheel for a while to get her confidence back.

[Muttocracy]

11. now that's creative, and would make it a gift to her for him to let her drive. nt

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

25. I did this at one time

and it worked beautifully.

[Iggo]

7. I feel for ya, man.

My dad's right around 80, and I don't ride in a car that he's driving anymore. See, even when he's driving a car, he talks with his hands. And he has to look at whoever he's talking to when he's talking to them. And he thinks if you're not looking at him when he talks, then you're not listening. He used to be an excellent driver and this didn't used to matter when he had better reflexes and reactions. But those days are long gone.

The last time I rode in a car with him, it went something like this:

Dad: Why aren't you paying attention to me?
Me: SOMEBODY'S got to watch the ROAD!

That was pretty much it.

I hope your talk goes better than ours did. Proper planning would probably help...lol.

EDIT: If you can get the doctor to tell your dad in front of witnesses that he just can't drive anymore, or that he just can't drive when he's on meds, that might do it. I dunno...just spitballing.

[bkkyosemite]

21. Have motor vehicles send your dad a letter for testing his driving ability..might work.

Tell the DMV your fears regarding his driving.

[rwheeler31]

8. Check roadwork in the area, tell him if you do not drop them off

they will have to walk a long distance from the parking area.

[FloridaJudy]

9. Discuss it with your father's doctor

It is illegal to drive when taking certain meds. Maybe if the caution against driving was put as a medical concern, rather than as an issue of 'competence' it would be more acceptable. Most of us will comply - however unwillingly - with a medical order, but would be offended if our judgment was questioned.

[ColbertWatcher]

10. Maybe you can think of something else for him to be responsible for?

If you take the driving away from him, there has to be something to replace it with.

Also, any discussion about how his medicines are impairing his driving have to include the expected side effects. Be sure that he understands that no one is blaming him for any loss of reaction time or any other physical abilities. Do you or anyone in your family have a Nintendo Wii? See if he will play some of the games. That might be one way for him to see for himself how his skills are not what they used to be without endangering anyone.

[Mike 03]

17. Yes, excellent advice. Thank you, man. NT

[renate]

29. that's such thoughtful and compassionate advice!

That was very sweet and very understanding of Mike's dad's point of view. :thumbsup:

[DURHAM D]

13. We got my father to stop driving by pointing out the liability.

It probably helped that he is a retired insurance agent and understands risk management. We pointed out that the written medical diagnosis from his doctor was evidence of the risk he was taking and if he hurt/killed others he would likely put the family assets (his life's work) in jeopardy.

We set it up as a family meeting. All three of his children flew in/were present for the meeting. We were very calm and business like in our presentation. At the end of the meeting he made the final decision. This was over two years ago and he is very proud of his decision - and his children. He likes to tell others about our intervention. He is 93.

[mainer]

15. My deepest sympathy. We had to take away my dad's car keys.

It was a horrible time, after he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. He was an angry, abusive Alzheimer's patient, and accused everyone around him of conspiring to steal his money. He also had a loaded gun in the house. The doctor took away his driver's license, but he kept driving. We had to quietly take the gun and Dad's car keys, and he never did figure out what happened to them.

No matter what you decide to do, it will prove difficult and heart-wrenching. I just want to tell you that you're not alone -- there's a whole generation of people going through this now with their parents.

It may be best if your mom tells him to stop driving. You, as the son, won't have the same authority as your mom.

[rwheeler31]

18. How is his car running, could that be adjusted as a short term

solution?

[bkkyosemite]

19. Tell the doctor you concerns and have him ask your dad if he is driving.

Then have the doctor advise him to not do the driving with the amount of medication he is on as it will affect his judgement. Have the doctor advise that he have your mother or a child drive for the time being.

[madaboutharry]

20. I think you should have his doctors intervene.

They can get his license revoked if the medications he is taking impair his ability to operate a motor vehicle. I would discuss this with them. The doctors will take the heat for it. It happens all the time.

[ejpoeta]

22. you can't talk to the doctors without permission from your father.

my dad was having some problems with double vision. we weren't sure what was the cause, but my dad's girlfriend's nephew wouldn't fix my dad's car until his vision problem was corrected. so, all you have to do is do something to make the car not work. ?? well, other than that, i don't know what to tell you except maybe having a sit down with your dad. losing your independence, which losing the ability to drive can mean to a person, is a tough thing. but maybe you can appeal to your father's desire to keep his wife safe or maybe his desire not to hurt himself or anyone else. good luck. btw... i hope your dad fares ok. my dad just died a week ago today. we buried him yesterday. he had an aggressive cancer that ravaged his liver, kidneys and it was pretty rough for all of us. so i hope your father fares better. and i hope you can help him to understand that he can't be driving around right now.

[madaboutharry]

27. That is not so.

You can speak with the doctors to offer them information. They can not discuss his medical condition with anyone without permission, which I would think the mother/wife has. The doctors can listen.

[ejpoeta]

31. that's true. my husband thinks the doctors can take the license away.

though that would not be something anyone would want to have to do. it would be preferable that the decision could be made by the dad.

[Muttocracy]

30. Sounds like a very rough way to lose your dad

:hug:

[ejpoeta]

32. it was. we found out about the cancer, and so did he, about two and a half to 3 weeks ago.

he was given 3 months. that turned out to be very generous prognosis. he was gone in about 2 weeks. but we were all there right to the end. and we had a good day when he was in ICU that he was talking and clearer. he understood exactly what was going on. then he did his confession and got communion. we found out he had harbored ill feelings towards the priest at our church from back when my mom was sick and in the hospital and the priest didn't visit her when he was at the hospital visiting another parishioner. the priest came out to clarify with us because we could never really be sure if he was hallucinating or not at that time. the priest also apologized to us for his predecessors actions. that was nice of him.

then we moved my dad down to the hospice room where we camped out for the two days he was in there. all of us kids were there when he took his last breath. i think that's how he wanted it. my brother says it was 9:10am. it wasn't a half an hour after my sister got there that he died. and my aunt was on her way and had car trouble. she came in a few minutes after he died. i think he just wanted us kids there.

i think the toughest thing about it all was that it was so fast we didn't really have time to adjust. we kept thinking we had more time. we were focused on things like making sure his monthly bills were paid and where he would go after he left the hospital. maybe a hospice house, or somewhere he could try to fight it if he wanted. my sister drew up power of attorney papers so that we could take care of everything while he was getting 'better'. he never got to sign them.

they took him in because of his double vision and unsteadiness on his feet. and it wasn't long before everything just stopped.... my house looks like it was frozen in time, except for the cookies that were still on the trays that I left abandoned on the counters to run to the hospital. i did throw those away. The floor tiles that we were working on are left unfinished.

A few weeks ago my dad was fine, or at least himself. my brother brought him over to his house because pat thought my dad was missing doses or double dosing on meds. the hardest part is that my dad never had a chance. By the time they found it it was everywhere and he was in no condition to go through chemo or anything else. sorry. i am rambling.

[robinlynne]

23. This is something every single one of us has to go through sooner or later.

I recently went through it with my mother. You HAVE to do it. You can't not do it. That it is the first thing. It is not only dangerous for your family but for others.
It is not easy. But you must do it. I find that the best way to do this is to keep telling him that driving is not a measure of who he is; that you lvoe him just as much whether or not he can drive. It is a self-esteeem problem. It is "taing away" one's freedom. you have to try to change the framing to sya look it is dangerous, irrepsonsible to drive, and I love you too much to elt you continue. my mom has alzheimer's and is constantly feeling criticized, that syaing she can't dirve any longer is saying that she is not good enough. That is not the case. We finally broke through to her by letting her know that it is indeed sad, and we're sorry to sya it but she cannot drive again. She did not want to admit it because it felt like a failure, and was willing to fight to the end to drive. When I insisted that it is NOT about failure at all, but safety and love, we got somewhere. I imainge men may be roe diificult to get through to, but you HAVE to do it.

[applexcore]

24. I think I have your answer

at least, if you lived in NC. It's possible that it works in your state, just call your DMV and ask.


I was at a driving school getting my ticket reduced (60mph in a 35mph), and the instructor actually brought up this very subject-- 'when you're parents are getting old but don't want to stop driving'. There was a number at the DMV you called, and they would send your parent a letter telling them that they had to come back in and take a driving test. Of course, they don't tell the parent/family member that anyone actually called them, so it's all kept confidential.

Might be worth giving it a shot.

[NYC_SKP]

26. At our DMV (California), my dad went in two months ago.

We all didn't really think he should drive but he had a friend take him.

He brought his license and asked the clerk, "I want to know, can I drive?"

I wasn't there but the friend said they just looked at the card and at him and said, "Yes, you can drive."

So, the driving test part is VERY important.

Thanks for the share.

BTW, my dad relapsed and before hospitalization had some near misses in the car, nobody hurt thankfully.

He's in long term care now.

[ejpoeta]

33. of course they are not going to tell him he can't drive. a general question like that....

maybe if they would have asked for specifics. who goes in and just generally asks if they can drive!! lol. did they even check for suspensions or anything?? doesn't sound like it. i hope this gets resolved before someone gets hurt. it's bad enough if someone taking strong meds were to just drive a few minutes to the store, but an hour and a half!! i have a hard time driving that far and i am just fine. LOL! it's a good idea to let the DMV be the bad guy. i hope that would work.