Cheney Calls for Probe of McCain, POWs

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SNARK from http://www.TheDesperateBlogger.com
(further links available there, but nothing you probably haven't already heard...)


Former Vice President Dick Cheney stunned even some of his most ardent supporters this morning when he called for an investigation of Senator John McCain and other former prisoners of war.

In an interview on Fox News’ ‘Happening Now’, Cheney, appearing via satellite from his wartime residence known to the public as ‘An Undisclosed Location’, cited what he referred to as “the now-confirmed effectiveness” of harsh interrogation techniques “in obtaining reliable, actionable intelligence”.

“Now that we know how well these methods work, I shudder to think about the extent of the threats to our national security caused by their use on Senator McCain and countless other otherwise loyal Americans who served as prisoners of war,” the man affectionately called ‘Friendly-Fire’ by his hunting buddies told a visibly stunned Jon Scott, “And since putting all the cards on the table seems to be the flavor of the day, I say let’s get them in, put them under oath, and find out what they told our enemies, even if we have to break out the thumbscrews to do it.”

When asked why he chose to single out Senator McCain, a staunch ally of his administration and someone regarded as a national hero by Democrats and Republicans alike, the former Vice President, whose greatest disappointment ironically came when his fifth military deferment left him without sufficient time to serve in the Viet Nam War, responded with a terse, “Because Wainright is dead,” a reference to Medal of Honor recipient Gen. Jonathan Wainright, who survived more than three years in Japanese POW camps during World War II. “Look, we have no way of knowing how much damage has been done, and for all we know is still being done,” the ‘Cree-P VP’ continued, “Haven’t you ever heard of MK-Ultra or seen The Manchurian Candidate?”

In what is believed to be an historic first, conservative radio pundit and neo-Nazi icon Rush Limbaugh quoted, albeit with only a minimal degree of accuracy, an article from the New York Times in his vociferous defense of McCain and other American POWs. “Torture methods used by Communists in the Korean War… wrung false confessions from Americans,” the porcine pill-popper bellowed in a critical tone normally reserved for legislation designed to help the poor, “So you see, it’s right there in black and white. These methods do not work on Americans.”

While response from Capitol Hill lawmakers on both sides of the aisle generally ranged from, “He must have been drinking” to “Somebody’s still putting that guy on the air?” — some suggested that Cheney’s concerns might bear closer scrutiny.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) told reporters, “While Senator McCain has my full support and confidence, I have suggested to his office that he might want to stay away from Intelligence Committee meetings until this thing blows over.”

Rep. Spencer Bachus (R-AL) refused to either confirm or deny that McCain’s name appears on his secret list of socialists on Capitol Hill, saying only, “I’m confident that in due course we will rid our government of the Red Menace once and for all.”

Finally, House Minority Leader John Boehner’s (R-OH) office released the following statement: “This is all Pelosi’s fault.”

[monmouth]

1. OMG I was halfway through before I realized it was satire....Bwahahaha,

I kept looking for the Onion. Good one. I especially liked the part "he must have been drinking."

[ThisThreadIsSatire]

2. Thanks...

... to be mentioned in the same breath as the Onion is an honor...