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I think we all agree that the best kind of program involves telling kids EVERYTHING--abstinence, birth control, peer pressure resistance, etc.
My honest opinion on sex ed is this: the programs will never be 100% effective because human nature is not perfect. However, there could be a lot of improvement in the numbers. I think we need to stop portraying sex as something dirty, weird, alien, inappropriate, and icky to talk about. All of these programs have the net effect of making kids feel like their desire for the physical pleasure of sex is something bad that they can't (and shouldn't) talk about. Has anyone ever tried sex-positive sex education? Not teaching kids that they SHOULD go out and have sex, but also not treating it like it's something grave or awful, either. Sex-positive alternatives to sex, like masturbation and mutual masturbation, could be the answer. Such a program would tell teens "Yes, orgasms feel really, really good. There's nothing at all wrong with wanting to feel that sensation. Here's how you get the sensation without so much risk."
So long as we attempt to suppress and deny the normal sexuality of our teens, we're going to continue to fail in our efforts to protect them from disease and pregnancy. I know that a lot of parents get squicked-out at the idea of their sweet baby boy or girl enjoying sexual pleasure, but why? Really--why? I can understand and agree that, ideally, teens are too young to have sexual intercourse with each other. But why are they too young to achieve physical climax by other, safer, means? We can't even talk about teen sexuality in a casual way without some prude or another (wrongly) assuming that the conversation is inherently "creepy" and that only a pervert would even think about telling a thirteen-year-old to masturbate, much less directly encouraging it. We're so terrified of being labeled perverts that we stay silent, even when we KNOW that such advice can save lives--literally.
Instead, we on the liberal side tend to stoically tell our kids "Self-exploration is okay. Private, but okay." Translation: "Do it if you MUST, do it if you're so weak that you can't control yourself, but I don't want to know about it." How do you think our kids take that? How many parents would be horrified if their 14-year-old daughter came to them and said, "Mom (or Dad), I've been trying masturbation, but I'm doing something wrong because it's not working for me. I'm so frustrated with myself. What am I doing wrong?" We'd have no qualms at all about such a conversation if our best friend came to us and said such a thing, but our child? Noooooo! Ick! Panic! And yet, if we were as open with our children as we SHOULD ideally be, then conversations exactly like that one would be no big deal at all. You talk about it, you find her a couple of websites and/or books about it, and perhaps even share your own experiences as to what helps and what doesn't--just like any other question. THAT kind of nonchalance would go a lot further toward improving the teen birth rates than anything else, but taboos are damned hard to break--even when there's no real practical purpose for them.
When I was a teen, that question could have been mine. I was in EXACTLY that situation, and I would NEVER have asked my parents such a thing, because I knew they'd be horrified to even know that I was doing such a thing, much less wanting advice! So where did I turn for advice? My fellow teens. And because teens are notoriously uneducated about such matters, the "advice" I got was to try it with a guy because it "works better" that way. So I did--and lost my virginity at age 14. It could have been a disaster, but pure dumb luck kept me from getting pregnant until I was fully adult. Not all teens have that kind of luck.
I have a boy who's almost ten, and although he hasn't asked much yet, we've already told him that we are perfectly willing to talk to him about sex when the time comes. I have a stack of educational books ready for him in the closet, and if he asks me the question I posed above (or any other question) I will gladly, without any weirdness or embarrassment, explain as much as I can and give him ideas for other resources when my own knowledge base runs thin. Of course, I do have a bit of an advantage; I'm a lesbian and my child is a boy, so the "taboo" is a lot less for me. Society already considers me a deviant, but even the most vicious critics of my sexual orientation understand that lesbians don't have sexual interest in boys. I can only imagine how hard it must be for adult fathers of daughters, fathers who WANT to reach out and help, but are terrified of being labeled a creepy pervert by a society that unfortunately assumes men to be a sexual danger to young girls, even when there's no sexual intent at all.
My partner Rhythm had a terrible experience with this as a 12-year-old. She was in the shower, there was only one bathroom, and her Dad really needed to use the bathroom. He came in to pee while she was still in the shower. The curtain was closed and he didn't see anything, but her Mom noticed it. Later, after her Dad left for work, Rhythm's southern Baptist prude of a mother completely went ballistic on her about it. She went nuts because of the sick taboo assumption that there's something horribly dirty about a father being in the same room with his daughter when she's older than five and naked. And she went off on *Rhythm*--not the Dad. She never mentioned a thing to him. As if Rhythm, who was showering and oblivious to her Dad being in there, had any control over what happened. I can't even imagine the kind of psychic damage that sort of deranged prudishness does. That's an extreme example, I know, but even the less-extreme prudish stuff can be damaging in more subtle ways. A parent who suddenly blushes and stammers and finds and excuse to leave the room whenever they are confronted with a sexual question or comment from their kid. A parent who firmly insists that his daughter's male best friend can't spend the night in her room with her, but turns red and refuses to explain why. (By the way, that last one is also subtly homophobic *and* sexist--it makes the heteronormative assumption that a female friend sleeping over is a trustworthy and asexual experience, and that a male friend sleeping over is untrustworthy and involves a serious potential for sex to occur. Oh how naive we are.)
Honestly--if we can't talk frankly to our kids, then we are part of the problem, not part of the solution. Our taboos about sexual communication between adults and teens are what keep us from being able to effectively protect them. Teachers will never, ever have these conversations with our kids--not in this prudish, litigious society. There's too much risk that someone will misinterpret advice for sexual interest, and lives could be ruined over such a mistake. We can't depend on teachers--we must do it ourselves. We MUST somehow convey to our children that we WILL answer their questions and guide them, without unnecessary judgement or repercussions, even when the topic is something we're squeamish or uncomfortable with. Until they feel that they can talk to us about literally ANYTHING, then I fear that we will continue to fail and fail again, and our kids will be the ones who pay for it.
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