How do we fix teenagers these days?

[BoWanZi]

I'm at a loss.

I am 43 and my wife is 50. We live a modest life due to my wife being disabled due to a bad brain injury a few years ago. We have 3 kids, daughter who graduated college and just got her masters degree last month. Older son is going for his engineering degree and his 5th year of university. Our youngest son is going to community college part time and is an assistant manager of the place he works at. That is our basic background. We tried to instill the value of eduction and work ethic into our kids. I never went to college and its one of my biggest regrets.

With that said, we live in an area that some would consider "less desirable". We live here because we could afford the house which was sub 100k. Yes, some "bad" things occur but we all can't live in the fancy gated communities. My wife befriended a young lady who turned 17 a couple of months ago in the beginning of summer.

She lives 2 blocks from us and hung out at our house quite a lot during the summer.

Nice enough girl but what seriously fucked up values she has.

She is from a broken home but what kid isn't these days. She really REALLY wants to have a baby during her senior (current) year at highschool. That is her ultimate goal, to get pregnant along with her friends. She talks about how she doesn't use birth control. For the record, she is telling my wife most of this, don't want anyone to get the wrong idea. She keeps hooking up with guys that are not good for her, guys that abuse her mentally and physically, she rationalizes them by saying that they will change when she gets married to one. She wants a Cadillac Escalade for her first car. She doesn't seem to want to get a job though.

Now the worst part is that she doesn't care about school. I ask her how she is going to live and how is she going to support her kid(s) without a highschool diploma. She says "oh, the baby daddy will take care of us". Babydaddy, god how I hate that word. She really doesn't care at all about school. She just doesn't want to bother with it. She actually said today that "Only losers graduate highschool." WTF? I asked where she will be getting money, she said that "oh I will get social security or food stamps". All this is coming out of the mouth of a 17 year old girl. I asked how her friends reacted to her values, she says that "all of them want babies like me".

I just don't get it. I try to make her look long term and think about the consequences of her short term actions but she just laughs and goes on about how ssi will take care of her baby and her. I just hope that my wfie and I have SOME sort of positive effect on her but I have my doubts.

It is scary to think that a LOT of kids think like her. She isn't the only one. How is a teacher supposed to help a girl like that or teach her better values when the kid just doesn't care enough to even want to think about those values?

Sorry for this rambling post, its just been gnawing at me and I don't know what one can do. I'm at a loss. How can we fix kids who think like this?

[Rex]

1. Maybe she is the exception to the rule, do you really know her friends

all want babies or is that something she just made up for whatever unknown reason? I don't know or ever have really heard any 17 year old girls talk like that, ever. Maybe it is a local thing. I know a lot of teens that don't come from broken homes and have really normal lives. I fear she needs real counseling and not a few pep talks from neighbors/parents.

[BoWanZi]

3. I agree on the consoling

She is getting professional help however she just doesn't seem to care. It seems like that the friends she has live in low income families and all are from the same type of environment that she was. I don't remember my kids having friends like that but when they were going to school, it was at a school which didn't seem to have "inner city" kids. the area we live in now is more considered "inner city" by the standards of our county even though its nothing like real inner cities.

[Dorian Gray]

36. I've also never met

a 17 year old girl who thinks that way. It's bizarre.

[Ken Burch]

2. I suppose the only thing you can do

Is try to find some way of convincing this young woman that she deserves more from life than that. Her "dream" is actually an acceptance of defeat, and some series of horrible things may have happened to her that robbed her of any belief in the future.

She is in danger, and you may or may not be able to help her.

[BoWanZi]

6. Acceptance of defeat, that sums it up perfectly.

I sincerely hope we can help her somehow.

[seabeyond]

30. i think that is exactly it.

i watched my brothers kids grow, from the beginning. all bright and capable and so much potential. and life repeatedly knocked it out of them. i see it with all the kids they align themselves with. i will be talking to brother and 8-10 kid will be in the house, always, no place to go. late at night... all times. night before first day of school i hear brother yelling at one of the kids to get into the house. i dawns on me school in morning, my boys ready and set to start, in bed. midnight. this is freshman year... wait, why isnt he in house, in bed....

different world

[mymomwasright]

4. Daughter was the same way...

along with her classmates. I was dumbfounded that being "in love" was trumping being a Kid/Senior. Classmates were no help either, giving advice and getting pregnant, too. I love my Grand Daughters, but Big Sister is gonna have to shell out a lot of I'm sorrys to our 8 year old in a few years. I tried to be cool and understanding; Never again! No overnighters unless I'm on the same block. No movies without me there. Me and my darling wife thought we did something to encourage the events, but our daughter claims it was her decision alone that led to her first child. Live and learn.

[JVS]

5. Maybe if you told her to stop acting like a guest on the Maury show she'd shape up.

[BoWanZi]

7. Ya know, she would probably think that was awesome, to be a guest on the Maury show. :(

[proteus_lives]

8. JVS.......You are NOT the father!

Cue dancing.

[JVS]

10. YES YES! I KNEW IT! I WAS 115% SURE THAT BABY WASN'T MINE. I AM THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME

:bounce:

[proteus_lives]

9. Fishy.

[dionysus]

46. you mean the future welfare queen wanting a Cadillac was a bit of a tip-off?

:rofl:

[OneGrassRoot]

49. ;) n/t

[EmeraldCityGrl]

11. You are over invested in this girl. What is a seventeen year old

doing hanging out most of the summer at a middle aged couple's house?
This sounds really weird. If it's on the up and up, there's nothing you can
do to "save her."

[BoWanZi]

14. She became attached to my wife during the summer.

She is related to my wife's caretaker which is how they met. She found out that she lived nearby and just started coming over. She helped my wife during the summer when her caretaker wasn't around, it was almost like she wanted to feel being needed by someone. She helped my wife to a fault at times, almost babying her.

That is how she became part of our family.

[EmeraldCityGrl]

15. Those are some redeeming qualities

you failed to mention. She has compassion for people.

[polly7]

33. That's what struck me too.

This girl may possess an amazing compassion that could take her anywhere, from caring for the disabled in private homes, to Paramedic, to a Physician. If she could channel that compassion and realize how important she is to many whose lives depend in part, upon it, she could be a star in her own right. Such a shame to see it wasted.

[Count Olaf]

74. One teenager at a time...perhaps she has been sent to you for a reason

She sounds like she has a good heart and has just been raised by horrible TV values.

She is coming to your house because she senses you are good people with good values, she knows you have something to offer her.

What you just wrote about helping your wife, most adults are not even that kind and helpful. She has a gift. Please tell her that. Please encourage her to go into nursing or something where she can use her gifts to the fullest.

And if possible, get her a job at the local overpopulated day care center. That ought to fix the desire for a baby for a while.

[notesdev]

12. Teach her some reality maybe

Impress on her first and foremost that the "baby daddy" is 95% likely to cut and run at the first sign of responsibility. She doesn't want to work, what makes her think the guy is going to want to work?

Then maybe introduce her to some women who went down that road who can teach her that it's a life of hardship and trouble that she's setting herself up for.

It's a tough one, for sure. I've never known anyone who actually aspired to be permanently mired in poverty and on the dole.

And given the way government finances are going, that dole may not actually be there for her... or if it is, it will come attached with all sorts of conditions such as "you must work to get benefits".

Whoever taught her that the kind of life she imagines is possible ought to be flayed.

[REP]

13. Wow! That's unbelievable!

Seriously. Completely unbelievable.

[TexasObserver]

16. I second that emotion.

[proteus_lives]

17. Like I said.

Fish-sticks.

[HughBeaumont]

31. Sounds like coded poor-hatin', anti-soshulism conservatalk.

[ejpoeta]

18. it's so sad to see this mentality in kids. they don't think things through.

my kids are younger... my oldest is 11 and I have tried to instill self worth and encourage them to have goals. my 11 year old wants to be an volcanologist. I am not sure how you can get a 17 year old to think more of herself and to try to find her worth inside herself. some kids who want to have kids want someone to love them. the pact idea boggles me. they see it on tv and want to do it themselves? remember that show where the teenagers thought they were ready to have kids so they put them in houses with kids and made them go to work etc.... at the end they most of them changed their minds. i wonder if there would be some program .... the idea of having someone living what they say they want might help. but kids are notorious for thinking that somehow they are different and that won't happen to them.

[mstinamotorcity]

19. A lot of our children have

a false view of life. Children who have no examples usually get their's from the street. Television is also the norm for babysitting. The girls now are over-developed in their bodies,but their brains are still stuck in kid mode. One of the reasons for so much emotional confusion. You have this body that looks like a woman, has desires like a woman, can be clothed like a woman,but the mindset is that of a child. When we talk to our children we act as if what they are feeling is not real or just a faze. But to them the experience is real and dominating in their little lives. The pressure of being accepted is also a factor in the thought process of children.

The young lady is looking for guidance. She knows what she is saying is not the way to go. But she needs validating. Why is she coming over everyday instead of hanging with those so-called friends? Because as she said she wants to drive a Cadillac Escalade. The best way to get it? Education. She knows this. Maybe she doesn't care about school. But she is graduating. You said its her Senior year.

Listen when you look around as a teenager you see other people going on in their lives with what seems like not a care in the world,and you are basically pulling your hair out trying to find out who you are. And when you are not being raised in the best of environments,it can be a more trying situation. Drugs,violence,teen pregnancy,sex,more sex,school,parents or lack thereof,peers,and the life choices of right and wrong.

Have you ever thought that your home may be her oasis in a desert of fear. Sometimes the village goes to the child,but sometimes the child wanders into the village.

[seabeyond]

34. "your home may be her oasis in a desert of fear." excellent post

really the truth of it

[polly7]

45. Awesome post. +1000 n/t.

[melm00se]

20. I am going to say a dirty word

Republicans.

this is the type of person at which Repubs love to point and scream "entitlement mentality" and "welfare queen".

[Warren DeMontague]

21. ***

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wCXr_6wgns

[Madam Mossfern]

22. Welcome to my world

at work.

As an Employment Specialist for TANF, I see all too much of this. Its quite frustrating. What is even worse is the 18 year old with a one year old child, struggling to figure out how and where she and her baby will live and then a few months later announcing that she is pregnant again! No high school education, no life skills and no one to rely on. It is my feeling that these young women are looking to their child for validation and self esteem. I don't know if it is the case in the situation you describe, but most often these are children of women who made the very same bad choices 19 years before.

[SmileyRose]

23. I live where there's a whole school district full of them.

According to a report put out by the state board of education 63% of the girls in this school district have 1 or more (or more?!) children by the time they are 18. Only 54% of the girls actually graduate, slightly less of the boys do. 70% of the kids are raised at or near the poverty line and about the same amount are raised by a legal guardian rather than a parent.

I have no idea how many kids in my county are actually being raised in stable homes with better values. It would seem anyone with even the minimal financial ability is sending their kids to a private school.

[polly7]

41. Would inviting more inspirational speakers help with these children?

Explaining all the possibilities .......... social workers with insight into training programs, economics advisors, professionals who have overcome hurdles to get where they are ......... one-to-one follow-ups with any child who is interested. Even if the school doesn't budget for such a thing, maybe parents or anyone concerned could contribute to a fund for this purpose. Education is the key .... and not just the education from a classroom, but real-life experiences ........... and, HOPE. Maybe this is already being done, I don't know, but it seems the only speakers we ever get up here give a 10 minute speech and are usually a politician the kids don't care much about, at graduation, for the children who have made it that far.

[seabeyond]

24. i see it. it is the kids with no hope. kids lost any kind of hope or dream a long time ago

my brother and his kids live in that atmosphere. they surround themselves with like. when i tell them that is not the norm, they dont have to live that way, they tell me i dont know what i am talking about, that everyone around them is this.

and it is true. i understand that.

but it is a whole different world than i or my kids live in.

i have seen it a lot. i have spent the time talking. it doesnt do anything. about the time they hit 22 they start wising up. unfortunately, by then they have two, three or more kid, from different fathers and a messed up life, and trying to figure how to fix it. and the whole cycle starts again with their kid

i accept them... let them be, love them adn hold strong to my boundaries, making them clear. if they dont step over, i am there. if they do step over, i am done until they can respect boundaries. right now.... they dont respect and they are not around.

[GreenPartyVoter]

25. I don't know. I'm still working on fixing my middle schooler. :^( Good luck

being a positive influence on this young lady. She is lucky that you and your wife are in her life and care about her. :hug:

[seabeyond]

26. what is your middle schooler doing

i hve one in 7th... turning `13. boy, that is the age. until about middle of 8th grade.

[Warren Stupidity]

27. Tell her to get off your lawn. nt.

[alcibiades_mystery]

28. This post is bullshit

I don't believe any such person exists, and I believe you've constructed this entire post to push some weirdo political position you have.

[HughBeaumont]

32. Wouldn't be the first time they've attempted it.

Just too many detailed red flag code phrases for my nose.

[polly7]

35. I believe it, I had a similar experience with a girl here. She came to

town alone, did start working as a bartender, got pregnant, and was lost. She had to go on welfare, and after a while accepted and seemed content with it. Not much responsibility except for her little girl, who she was amazing with, quite a lot of partying, no goals at all. I ran the post office then so saw her quite a bit, and we grew close. We talked a lot daily and it was clear to me how intelligent she was. After many tears and lots of panic on her part and checking into different colleges and programs, she finally decided going back to school was the best solution ..... she's now an x-ray tech, made possible by the welfare to work program (not sure if that's the exact name), and married. If she'd stayed here, she'd still be collecting welfare and probably had another child.

I believe loss of hope after falling, is what stops many of these young people from fulfilling choices they may or may not have dreamt of, but really do have available to them. They just can't see the possibilities on their own. jmo.

on edit: She was still a teenager, you only have to be 19 to enter or work at a bar here. She finished her gr. 12 prior to her program through social services aid.

[seabeyond]

38. i dont see it in my world. i do see it in my brothers world. if i did not have the opportunity

to see it thru my brother, i too would be able to say, bullshit. doesnt exist. dont know ONE.

[dionysus]

47. +50

[Arkansas Granny]

52. I wouldn't call bullshit on this. This could be a story about one of my

granddaughters with just a few changes. Twentyone years old, two little boys by two worthless baby daddies. The first one doesn't pay child support and the current one hasn't worked in the 18 months they've lived together. She works parttime, but doesn't make nearly enough to make ends meet.

She's using the system to the max and doesn't take any responsibility for any of her actions. There is no thought for the future at all, just live for today. When she needs something, she dangles the babies in front of her Daddy to make sure she gets what she wants. Our greatest fear is that she will be pregnant again trying for that little girl she wanted with her second child.

My daughter and SIL are beside themselves. They don't want to start raising babies all over again. They know that she needs to start being responsible for her situation, but they are afraid that if they don't keep taking up the slack that the boys will be the ones to suffer. The situation really gets tricky when you have little ones involved.

[seabeyond]

53. i see it too. i have a 21 yr old niece, two babies, two daddies,

divorcing her 2 yr marriage..... uses the system well.

but

she does see what she is doing. she is trying to be responsible. she does see what her choices has done to her life and her kids. she wants better.

it is hard

because there was a lot of conditioning over the years in the environment she was raised.

she is a good mama. i hope she does not get worn out, give up.

[Arkansas Granny]

56. I keep hoping that things work out for this granddaughter. She's a bright girl

but somewhere along the line she developed some strange values. She was in the center of a 3 way custody battle (Mom, Dad and Grandmother) shortly after her daddy married my daughter and she grew to relish the attention that was focused on her. Each one tried to "buy" her love and used her to hurt each other with no consideration of what it was doing to her.

I used to be able to talk to her about these things when she was younger, but the situation is so highly charged right now that she isn't listening to anyone. I really worry about her and don't want to see this pattern become a permanent way of life for her.

[seabeyond]

58. again, agree.

two nephews and niece from this family. i spent a lot fo imes with nephews. trying to fill in the responsible, nurturing adult... kids lacking a mother. good example. listening. when they were young, you saw the light. now they are 15, and 17 and i talk to them and there is not the light anymore.

nor the respect, nor the caring.

you see they gave up

one, hope keeps flickering, then goes out.

but i watched my niece go thru it about teens and walk out of it about 20. so... we will see.

brother talking to me, he has these young kids (teens, i am old) come over all hours. he says none use condoms. all talk about wanting to be preg. he says girls trying to trap his sons. as his sons "innocently" have sex without condoms....

aaaargh.

[alcibiades_mystery]

68. Ay yay yay..see post 67

[Codeine]

60. No offense, but you need to get out more.

I grew up in trailer parks in shitty parts of shitty towns; I know a number of people like this young girl.

[seabeyond]

62. did you have

one trailer all the kids went to. the trailer with the cool single father? lol. or working parents.

my story comes from borther living in trailer park, and the disposable kids all meeting up at his place. the pied piper. he never grew up and likes to play, right along with them...

odd, odd world.

[Codeine]

64. I was a trailer park outcast.

It hurt at the time, but it was better for me in the long run, since I didn't end up being influenced by those around me as much as I would have had I been an accepted part of the crowd.

But there was definitely one of those places where we lived. The guy that managed the place had no job beyond his rent collection duties, so his was the kickback house.

[seabeyond]

65. glad to hear

that you walked it as you did.

even though at the time it was hard.

[alcibiades_mystery]

67. I have no doubt that people *like this* exist

When I said "no such person exists" I was referring to the made up bullshit exemplar used by the OP. So, not "no such person" as in "nothing of the kind," but "no such person" as in "there is no 17 year old friend down the corner."

I grew up in shitty working class urban settings, and I know plenty "such" people. But if I said my sister is one of them, and I don't happen to have a sister (I don't), then somebody could say "there's no such person."

[Codeine]

89. Fair enough.

A distinction I didn't catch.

[IdaBriggs]

71. Let me introduce you to my niece.

Seriously, it takes all kinds, and just because you haven't met someone doesn't mean they don't exist. My niece (now 18) has ten thousand excuses for not getting a job, and in my family, there is no bigger crime, so we know that wasn't how she was raised. So far Grandma has been bailing her out, but we're hoping that gravy train will end, and the wake-up call that "work=money" will cut in.

Personally, we are just beginning to financially recover from being taken to the cleaners by a tenant (not my niece) who took her tax return money (promised to us to for back/unpaid rent), and bought herself a new car (the old one ran well), while her husband was in surgery with a 50/50 chance of surviving.

Let me repeat that: she bought the car WHILE HE WAS IN SURGERY. Then she donated "his" car to charity.

Then proclaimed herself a victim because we evicted her because we hadn't received rent in 7 months.

If only the "magical money fairies" who live in our back yard had continued to grow our own personal money tree, we could have continued to foot the bill for her and her brood so she didn't have to actually go get a job. Unfortunately, something happened with that, and the mortgage folks wouldn't accept monopoly money. Live and learn, eh?

Seriously, it takes all kinds....

[alcibiades_mystery]

79. Oy vey...

See post 67 please.

[Skidmore]

29. You can't fix teenagers until you fix the adults in society.

Kids just don't spring full formed but learn their values from the relationships and cultural touchstones they come into during their formative years. There is something seriously screwed up in our society as a whole. Over the years I have come to believe that there should be some limits placed on speech and cultural expressions. Why should we condemn hate speech and allow the development and distribution of vile and equally destructive games and media for consumption by our nation's children and youth? It is not only the older folks buying this stuff. Why should we promote a culture of violence and hypersexualization? Uberconsumers are being cultivated among the youth as we geezer shuffle off this mortal coil. This nation is out of control on many levels.

[seabeyond]

37. since kids first focused on tv i would monitor what they watch. people tell me tv didn't effect kid...

i am thinking, wait... hm, commercial. lots of money, for not effecting. and this is adults. they say the positive tv effects kids. but the negative? no, no harm.

but you are right bringing in the whole hate speech and stuff. geez, all of fox news how it has effect adults thru out nation.

and then to suggest negative media does not effect kids. truly disingenuous.

[Jim__]

39. Fix them? That's a bad term.

You don't fix people, even young people. You may be able to expand the horizons, or provide information to a 17 year old. For instance, you might ask her how she plans on getting SSI - they don't jsut provide it for the asking. You could tell her that foodstamps won't pay the rent.

If she really has the ideas you say she has, you might ask her where she got those ideas.

[mstinamotorcity]

66. You are right-Fix them

is not a good term. Listen you can't fix people like broke down cars or washers. Sometimes there are many layers of personalities that have been shaped by genetics,environment,and ability have a complete thought process. This is true in adults as well as children. Now whether the Op is truth or fiction it really doesn't matter.

When dealing with children we must look at things through their eyes from an adult perspective. Not easy.When we are going through trying times like this recession it is hard for adults to cope in some instances. If adults can get intimidated by this world at times,how do children fair? Taking their cues from adults and the world around them they know when things are not going well. And to the children the problem is magnified a hundredfold.Like moving to a new neighborhood after foreclosure. The adult is upset but so is the child.Our children have issues too.

When we interact with children we need to not look at all the things that are wrong with them,and focus on the things that are right. There will be enough things in this life telling them something is wrong with them. From make-up to clothing. We need to understand that what someone sees as no hope is just a layer of protection to even dare to dream of something more. Meaning that if tell yourself you can't get out, you don't have to try because its useless anyway. Got it.

To look at children with respect and dignity is the first step. Next encouraging the best of what we see so that their true and creative beauty can be seen by the world. And birth inside your genetic boundaries shouldn't be the requirement to extend these things.

[dkf]

40. Maybe she is more self aware than you think and realizes with her probable level of education

She will have more provided through Government programs than she can working a minimum wage job. With 20% on foodstamps and less/no stigma regarding receiving support from the Government this actually may make sense.

After all not everyone can graduate from college or everyone would.

[pgodbold]

42. Thank goodness I have no children. You can't fix prideful dumbass disease. Get her out of your house

[seabeyond]

48. eeeeew. i am glad you dont have children, too. nt

[mstinamotorcity]

63. You can't

fix dumb post disease either.

[ThomWV]

43. It sounds to me like you're reciting Reagan's "Welfare Queen" meme with slight variation.

[Dappleganger]

44. That is so sad it makes me want to cry and scream all at once.

She doesn't know any better so she has little aspiration to DO any better. Her dreams are aligned with the reality of her environment. Her self-worth is aligned with those who have put her in her place all her life. You can't change her because at the end of the day, SHE has to live with her choices and she finds "safety" in choosing what she knows.

Early intervention is really the best answer but you probably aren't going to fix this one.

[Odin2005]

50. I call Bullshit on this. This "person" sounds like a RW stereotype.

The Escalade thing was the tip-off, "Welfare queens in Cadillacs".

[polly7]

54. No, imo this person sounds like everyone who believes they have nothing

better to look forward to yet may be trapped in the mindset they somehow will be happy with what they can get, through doing very little to nothing to improve themselves. Also imo, that is because they haven't had the guidance and choices explained to them by someone they believe cares. I think it's great the OP and his wife are offering this girl a safe place for her to question her thinking and maybe realize she's better than what she's willing to settle for. Anyone that helps these kids in any way providing even a distraction / refuge from the rut they're in, is helping. As someone else said much better, maybe she was seeking that out. Good for them!

[Gaedel]

55. I don't necessarily see that, Odin

Back in 1969, the office where I worked had a nineteen year old file clerk (good worker) who had married the first set of muscles to come along (he was number two man on a lube rack with little hope of advancement). Fortunately, she was avoiding getting pregnant because "we really can't afford a baby right now". She was diligent and was, with difficulty, making sure the bills got paid.

She said they were saving up to buy a house before they started a family. When we talked with her about houses, she ticked off the features her house would have and she was describing a McMansion. We tried to get her to be realistic and pointed out to her what she could afford for her and her husband's income (like a three bedroom, one and a half bath, 1100 sq ft ranch house) and she said that it was totally inadequate.

I ran into her again in 1999 (thirty years later) and she had worked her way up to the top of the admin food chain. She had one kid and a small house (her husband was now number two man on a Pepsi delivery truck) and she was quite happy and about five years away from retirement.

The moral is that young folks have their expectations given to them by the television and by their peers. Note that she wants an Escalade as opposed to a Maserati or Bentley.

[Codeine]

61. I'd say the same thing if I didn't know people just like her.

People raised in crappy environments by crappy parents all too often have really fucked-up goals and values.

[Maine-ah]

72. I know a few....

who live like that "stereotype".

I know them personally. Some I work with...they won't claim what they make in tips because they'll lose their benefits. Girls making $700 a week in tips, one or two kids, live in government assisted housing (aka section 8 housing is what it is called). One former cook, three kids, not married. Girlfriend claiming to the government she lives by herself, she doesn't work, even though she's capable of doing so. He's not even supposed to be living there at the sect. 8 housing. If the government found out, they'd all be kicked out. One a couple of months ago that was so excited because she "made $1400 from the government" that month.

It happens. Though I believe more people use the system as intended as opposed that are using it for a free ride.

[NNN0LHI]

51. At least she has the good sense to want a union made American car

Her baby daddy might be able to actually get a good enough job at an auto plant or supplier to support them all thinking smart like that. Lot of kids her age around here, many unemployed, aren't that smart.

I see an awful lot of imported cars at the local unemployment office and I just shake my head.

I wish her the best.

Don

[mainer]

57. It's not just teenagers. It's adults too.

My friend used to work as a counselor at a methadone clinic. All his clients were only there to game the system. They didn't want to work, they just wanted their fix. They wanted letters supporting their claims they were disabled so they could get their checks, even though they were perfectly able to work. They never went searching for jobs. And of course, they got their girlfriends pregnant. Then they whine that the world is unfair, and it's not right that some black dude became president while THEY are living in a trailer.

[seabeyond]

59. ah, this is going to be another unpopular. i tell my kids, our generation started it.

we at least where taught the right and wrong. we know better. we had the example.

their generation doesnt have that picture, view. arent taught. left clueless.

[Count Olaf]

78. yes, how are we going to fix the adults that have set their bad examples

How are we going to fix the adults that insist on TV programming that lowers the level of discourse and general intelligence, and perpetuates these ideas that the youth are following?

I blame it all on adults. Children are a product of their environment. There are adults on this site that let their kids watch whatever they want, play whatever violent video games they want and insist that things were the same way when they grew up.

Well if anyone thinks that the content on TV is the same as when we grew up, they are not paying attention. There is no longer any moral code where it is obvious who the good guy/bad guy is anymore. The hitmen are the good guys,disney stars have several babies from different dads, VP presidential candidate unwed teenage daughter has baby and is held up as a great example of teenage motherhood...where are the good examples these days. If anyone finds them let me know.

And then the 'adults' have set up society where, particularly at this point in time, Children are doomed to fail. There are no jobs. You want to go to college, take out a $100,000 loan(and then you still won't get a job). We're now a 'service' economy kids so grab your spatula.

I cannot say that I would be any different give the circumstances in which these children are growing up.

[krabigirl]

69. I knew girls like that back in the 90s. Not much has changed..just the car brands.

[TransitJohn]

70. The Ludovico technique

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ludovico_technique

Edit: fix link

[BoWanZi]

73. Why are people doubting me? I'm not lying or fibbing about any of this

I'm not some RWer trying to stir the pot. The girl has never mentioned politics to me, so I don't even know what she believes.

I was actually hesitant to use the words welfare or foodstamps in my OP due to people not believing me but whatever.

I honestly wonder what people can do to help someone who has accepted defeat as their chosen lifestyle.

It is sad and pitiful more than anything else.

I have nothing to gain by my thread, I am seriously wanting to know what can be done for kids these days.

My daughter got her masters in teaching and will be teaching 1st-6th grade kids eventually and her hubby got his teaching certificate and is teaching highschool as a sub. Teaching highschool? More power to him! I can't imagine what it would be like to try to get kids to want to do school work when they feel that they have nothing and are worth nothing. I try to look through my son-in-law's eyes and wonder if I could have the courage and stamina to face kids like this at school.

So if you doubt my intentions, then fine but thread crapping isn't fun to see amongst the legit posts here.

[Count Olaf]

76. don't take it personally

It is probably the low post count.

I think your topic is far more interesting than another one on the firefighters that let the house burn down, but hey, that's just me.

[Roon]

75. My little sister got pregnant in her senior year in high school

her child was at her high school graduation. The father married her and they shipped off to college where they had three more kids.Now all four of my sister's kids are in college. I don't know,I just think it's kind of neat growing up with your parents,but trust me..I know too many people can't pull it off.

[Xithras]

77. I have a foster daughter who hit most of those buttons.

Wanted to get pregnant and sponge off the "babydaddy". Check.
Didn't care about her education. Check.
Ignores guys faults, even the abusive ones, because she believes they will "change". Check.
Thinks she can live her life on welfare and SSI. Check.
Came from a broken home. Check.

I'll even raise you: "Was sleeping with her drug dealer at 14 for drugs".


Everything above is past tense. That little girl just turned 15 a few days ago, and is now pulling down straight A's. What fixed her? Getting yanked from her abusive home and being placed into mine, twice-weekly therapy sessions with a licensed counselor, two hours of tutoring every day after school, and dinner sitting around the same table every night, where we can have face to face conversations about what we did that day.

Unless you can do these things, you can't help her.

Of course, there's also a decent possibility that this girl is blowing smoke up your ass. Shortly after moving in, she told my wife that she'd been having sex since she was nine, had starred in a pedo porn movie, and had once gangbanged 10 guys at once. My wife and I were horrified. It later came out in counseling that she'd made the whole thing up. The girl had been so starved for attention in her original home that she'd figured out which "buttons" to push to get people to pay attention to her. We're still working on that particular problem...

[BoWanZi]

80. I wonder if she is fibbing herself about some of her stories

Sometimes, I think she wants to be pregnant so badly that she has the symptoms of being pregnant even though she isn't. She also mentioned how she lost her virginity at 12. As for drugs and drinking, she does not do either due to her being forced to take UAs every once in a while, I do not know the full story behind that but that is what she says.

Once in a while she does come out with some "interesting" stories that may not be exactly true to their word. Example, she told us that there was a warrant out for her arrest because she has been missing so many days of school. My wife's caretaker knew where to find info about warrants and could not find anything about this girl being served with one.

[Xithras]

83. It sounds to me like she's desperately trying to get attention.

From the boys, from your family, anyone. It's impossible to say for sure, but I think there's a decent chance that she has no real interest in getting pregnant, or having a "babydaddy". She's probably looking for attention and has realized that these stories get it. The fact that she's latched onto, and hangs out with, middle aged people who are unrelated to her is a strong reinforcement of that. The fact that she's sleeping around is a second. Lonely kids will go to amazing lengths to get people to pay attention to them.

The girl probably does need help, but not the kind of help you were originally thinking.

[seabeyond]

81. the dinner table at night of conversation....

hey... i am so glad for this update. excellent post

i HUGE in our house is the dinner table. 5 nights a week for sure. weekends fend for self, but often end there. but no one leaves until i am done. i eat really really slow. it has become my favorite time of the day. all us end up there, talk, and talk and talk and talk. connect.

i have found recently that we are even sitting there after i finally finish eating.

it has been the BEST that we did in this house.

dropped kids off at school this morning. husband said, soon our oldest will be able to drive youngest to school and i wont have to

no... no, i say. i am mama, tis my job. son cant have it. another favorite time of my day. dropping kids off, picking htem up and listening to them.

i dont want to give it up

[Xithras]

84. Yeah, she's doing really well.

There have been a lot of challenges, and there still ARE (she threw a temper tantrum like a 5 year old when I took her cellphone away this morning because she'd exceeded her minutes), but she's 1000% better than when she moved in. She's a member of the family, and I'm dreading the fact that we have to give her up in a few months. I'm seriously afraid that she's going to slide back into her old habits once she leaves here.

As for dinner, I'm even stricter about it than you are. We have dinner together every night that we're home. Nobody is allowed to eat until everyone is seated. Nobody gets up until they ask to be excused. Like you, it's my favorite time of day. Its the one time when my kids have to face me, whether they like it or not. Once that happens, the conversation just follows naturally. I've learned things about my kids at the dinner table that I'd rather not know, and other things that I'm glad I learned and which would have never came up otherwise. Since my kids ride the bus to school, it's often the only real facetime we have.

My foster daughter came from a household that never did anything like that. At dinnertime, they grabbed a plate, shoved some food on it, and ate in front of the TV on the couch. There were no conversations. It took her a bit to adapt to the idea, but once she did, she loved it. In my experience, most kids do.

[seabeyond]

87. i hate having company, doing the cooking and stuff. but has become a big thing

with outside family and friends... the sitting at the table and everyone having chance to talk.

when did that become unusual... or a treat

didnt know you had to give her up. that is too bad. funny about the phone and tantrumm

[yella_dawg]

82. The TV's been teaching her this her whole life.

Ever see an unemployed, uneducated, sitcom character who didn't have the American Dream in their pocket? Monkey see, monkey do.

Just hope that a teachable moment pops up. Such delusions are difficult to penetrate.

[ProudDad]

85. Forgive me for mentioning the macrocosm

but in an "economy" where the masses of people are expected to be interchangeable work and consumption units...

Where even that "security" has been removed by corporate outsourcing...

Where ONLY the GDP and the Stock Market are the measure of "progress" or "success"...

Where the US has become a wasteland of end-stage capitalism...

What else do kids have to look forward to?


I know these kids too. I've lived most of my life in "disadvantaged" areas. The minority that actually profits from the Ponzi scheme of capitalist economics have NO conception of the hopelessness that these folks live with ALL THEIR LIVES.

Martin Luther King Jr. said it best, "How can you pull yourself up by your bootstraps when you HAVE NO BOOTS!" (it was his work and critique against capitalist economics that got him killed by the way).

And I'm a college educated technical "guru" whose 42 year career was also eviscerated by lay-offs and downsizing and right-sizing and outsourcing and 4 housing "bubbles" over the years, corporate responses to the yo-yo that is capitalism, that ate my "savings" every time and am now surviving on Social Security and plain Medicare until the Democans and Republicrats find a way to cut me off from even that...

This kid's just a realist!

The better question is how the f*ck can ANYONE believe the big lie that is capitalism any more!!!!

[ProudDad]

86. Gee, lots of superficial "blame the victim" on this thread... (n/t)

[ecstatic]

88. Take "Teen Mom" off the air?

:shrug: Just kidding! I love that show!

[Warren DeMontague]

90. Perhaps we realize that other people aren't ours to "fix"

Seriously, you and your wife are 40something and 50, respectively. Why are you hanging around socially with high schoolers? It's a bit weird.