Borowitz: Three Things to Do When Clarence Thomas’s Wife Calls You

[Contrary1]

Be Prepared for Ginni

Like many Americans, over the past several years I have been the recipient of multiple unwelcome voicemails from the wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. These calls have come in the middle of the night, at the crack of dawn, even at the dinner hour favored by telemarketers. Regardless of the time of day, all of these voicemails have one thing in common: she always sounds like she’s drunk-dialing me, except she appears to be completely sober.

I know what you’re saying: “It’ll never happen to me. Virginia Thomas doesn’t even have my phone number!” Well, that’s what I thought, and several years of trauma counseling later, I’ve come to realize (the hard way) what a fool’s paradise I was living in. Consider this: according to a recent study, the odds of Virginia Thomas leaving a threatening voicemail for you are higher than those of Christine O’Donnell correctly identifying the First Amendment. With those grim statistics in mind, here are three simple steps you can take if and when Mrs. Clarence Thomas calls.


•Start apologizing the moment you hear her voice. Remember, like a bear at a campsite, Virginia Thomas does not want to eat you, she’s only after your food, and in this case, your apology is the only thing protecting you from Mrs. Thomas mauling you to death. If apologizing does not work, clap your hands loudly into the receiver in the hopes of scaring her away.


•When she says, “This is Virginia Thomas,” reply, “No, this is Virginia Thomas. Who’s calling? Wait a minute—is that you, Anita Hill?” When she denies being Anita Hill (and she will), say, “There you go again, with your infernal lies. This is like Clarence’s confirmation hearings all over again. You disgust me, Anita Hill.” With any luck, accusing her of being Anita Hill will disorient her long enough for you to summon help.

Read more http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/newsdesk/2010/10/three-things-to-do-when-clarence-thomass-wife-calls-you.html#ixzz12wDMciW7

[SpiralHawk]

1. This will be remembered as a historic Republicon phone boner

eternally

[BrklynLiberal]

2. Borowitz is a very funny man. This is the drunk-dialing story of the century.

[no_hypocrisy]

3. Fourth Thing to do:

When Ginny asks, "Who is this?", you respond, "I don't know. How many guesses do I get?"

[Kber]

4. It's such an odd story - kinda like watching a train wreck

or maybe like watching footage of a trainwreck that happened 19 years ago.

[The_Casual_Observer]

5. Offer her a can of Coke!

[Libby2]

11. lmao

[wryter2000]

6. K&R

This'll make her head explode. :rofl:

[hlthe2b]

7. from the article... "one final note....

"One final note: if you get a call in the middle of the night and there is silence on the other end, that is not Virginia Thomas. That is Clarence Thomas."

Isn't that the truth... :eyes:

Read more http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/newsdesk/2010/10/three-things-to-do-when-clarence-thomass-wife-calls-you.html#ixzz12wGX93NI

[Fly by night]

8. #4: Keep the local AA hot-line number handy and transfer her call to them.

They are accustomed to dealing with people in her condition.

[CurtEastPoint]

9. Remember Martha Mitchell and her penchant for phone calls?

Wiki:

Martha Elizabeth Beall Mitchell (2 September 1918 – 31 May 1976), wife of John Mitchell, United States Attorney General under President Richard Nixon. Martha Mitchell was famous for her phone calls to the press about matters the Nixon-era conspirators wanted kept under wraps. Eclipsing her husband as a household name, Martha's portrait appeared on the cover of Time magazine in 1970, and later on the cover of New York magazine in a glamor shot supervised and photographed by Francesco Scavullo.

[asjr]

10. Oh God, yes, then the walls came tumbling down!

[pinboy3niner]

12. #4: "DAVE'S NOT HERE."

:evilgrin: