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TheFerret

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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PM
Number of posts: 517

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Harry Potter & the Pop Star's Cousin's Friend's Swollen Balls (Ferret)

Life in America in 2021 is like being trapped in a snow globe that somebody won’t stop shaking because they’re afraid you’ll gather your bearings enough to notice the crazed, dead stares in your idyllic Norman Rockwell neighbors’ eyes. Also, the flakes are bath salts, or little chunks of ivermectin or some shit. Fuck it, let’s do the news.

(All the following in living color with nifty news links here: http://showercapblog.com/harry-potter-the-pop-stars-cousins-friends-swollen-balls/)

The 20th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks sure landed weird in this culture gone mad…heck, even Dubya couldn’t help but observe that the current crop of terrorists runs a few shades whiter than the ones he used to use to justify various illegalities and atrocities back in the day.

Meanwhile, the dude who blew all Dubya’s dog whistles up into bullhorns marked the solemn occasion by partying with the Moonies and cosplaying boxing promoter like some D-list celebrity making the rounds on the reality television circuit. Oh, and I see our ol’ chum Rudy is still circling his filthy little drain in the least dignified manner imaginable. Was 20th century fascism this tacky?

The Velveeta Vulgarian’s shabby attempt at whoring the prestige of his former office was, of course, a miserable failure, not unlike, y’know, every other endeavor of his seven misspent decades. Kinda nutty that an entire political party lives in abject terror of a sad, sloppy fop who can’t even pop a boxing PPV buyrate.

Anti Choicey Barrett and Clarence Thomas, hot off their insidious We’ve Switched These Women’s Hard-Won Rights With Folgers Crystals Let’s See If They Notice shadow docket power play, say it would be a goshdarn shame if any of us uppity plebs correctly identified their cheap political hackery as cheap political hackery. Sigh. Can’t a gang of unelected theocrats plunge a nation into a new dark age in peace? Anyhoo, back to finger-painting Pat Robertson’s Xmas list over the Constitution.

So, I checked in with ethics experts, the Senate parliamentarian, and the Pope; they all agreed that, owing to his devotion to spreading lethal disinformation, and his long history of vile behavior in the face of disease and death, it is not only morally permissible to point and laugh at talk radio sleezebag Bob Enyart for dying of Covid, but actively encouraged. I’m told they’re actually not letting anyone into Heaven right now who doesn’t find Bob’s passing deeply, hilariously just.

Now, I wouldn’t presume to interfere in the sacred relationship between a death cultist and their propaganda-spewing high priests, but when so many of the voices y’all defer to on Covid are dying of Covid…does that not raise any red flags?

Every passing moment is a fresh opportunity to pull your head out of your ass, is all I’m saying. To anyone who wants to, I dunno, survive the pandemic. Come with me if you want to live and all that.

Or you can keep following the folks who led you to the feed store and your uncle to a slab in the mobile morgue. Up to you.

Alas, as even a cursory glance at the headlines will tell ya, such common sense self-preservation instincts are a little too much to ask of the denizens of MAGA Nation, who continue to choose death at every opportunity. Take that, Eddie Izzard.

My God, the numbers we’re seeing…the macabre milestones we’re hitting…you would honestly think we live in a time and place with three fewer vaccines than actually exist. Some poor guy in Alabama died from a cardiac event after getting turned away from 43 different ICUs, each overflowing with deniers and dewormer-chuggers. Forty-three.   

Next door in Mississippi, it’s…it’s fucking carnage, folks. Under the leadership of Tate “I’m doing ‘em a favor by sending ‘em to the afterlife” Reeves, the Magnolia State finally completed its mad climb to the top of the death rate charts, how the FUCK is that even possible in an age of multiple safe, effective vaccines? 1 in 320 Mississippians currently reside in Covid-dug graves, compared to the already-appalling 1 in 500 nationwide rate. And that’s a choice. Culture-wide, from the individual level to the government level. Mass insanity, an honest-to-goodness death cult. I look at it all day long, and I still can’t quite wrap my head around it.

Florida’s shitty, discount-rack Stalin, called “Ron DeSantis” by some, happily handed his gubernatorial megaphone over to some cashew-brained rando, who promptly declared that coronavirus vaccines alter your RNA. Now, this horseshit, while marginally less showy than Watch This Spoon Stick to Me claims of magnetism, is equally untrue, and equally, what’s the word? Oh yes, INSANE. Just because the crazy people are on television all the time now doesn’t mean we should stop pointing out that they’re crazy, and thus should not be consulted on matters of public health.

If Greg Abbott trotted out some loon who claimed the Easter Bunny masturbated all over him while he slept, and the magical rabbit jizz protected him from Covid-19, that would be no less incorrect, and no less insane, not a whit, than these existing assertions.

And the forces of disinformation have a potent new set of allies in Nicki Minaj and her cousin’s now-famous friend and his now-famous swollen testicles. Yes, some dude in Trinidad’s lame attempt to explain his shiny new STD to his fiancée has gone Delta-level viral in the right-wing jagoffosphere, because we’re stuck in the stupidest circle of Hell.

Tucker Carlson wants to interview Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend about his swollen testicles, hoping to convince his own audience to keep on refusing vaccination, out of fear that their own testicles might come to swell, a plan with a tragically solid chance to succeed.

Meanwhile Minaj fans are protesting the CDC, while Nicki herself is “feuding” with the Biden White House. I’m open to the idea that a culture as idiotic as ours probably deserves obliteration.

The California recall election ultimately played out (thank God) like an episode of Scared Strait!; after the perhaps-persuadable segments of the electorate spent a few eye-opening weeks getting to know the throbbing wad of bees and bat guano that is Larry Elder, they decided to stick with the non-murderously-insane incumbent, fancy that.

Naturally, Elder and his ilk made all the usual squawks about massive voter fraud, even showing spunk n’ initiative by beginning said squawks days before any results were announced, cuz really, why hang on formalities when you’re spreading Big Lies? The point isn’t to win elections, it’s to end them.

So I guess the new Woodward dishes all the hot, trashy gossip from the final days of the Fall of the Turd Reich. Apparently, Chairman Milley, that catty bitch, took steps to prevent his cornered-rat toddler boss from using America’s nuclear stockpile to punish the world for rejecting him even more decisively than Salma Hayek did.

Cue the wingnut outrage machine, naturally. These self-proclaimed “patriots” may not be big on speech rights or voting rights or reproductive rights, but BAH GAWD, the right of the American President, however addled or unfit, to, on whatever whim drifts through his deteriorating mind, nuke the living shit out of any strip of earth that happens to offend him, must never be infringed upon.

Insurrectionist colon blister Josh Hawley threw a sorry, attention-seeking procedural tantrum, vowing to block Biden Administration nominees unless Anthony Blinken agrees to pop the back pimples Hawley can’t quite reach or some such nonsense; doesn’t matter, since Josh failed to capture any actual attention, on account of being such a bland, tiresome, little weasel. We’re gonna have to sit through SO MUCH of this sort of Wooden Strongman Theatre in the coming years, y’know, as similar charisma vacuums (lookin’ at YOU, Tom Cotton*) audition to inherit America’s most credulous cult.

I see Mitch McConnell wants to play chicken with the debt ceiling again. I agree with Yertle that the threat feels significantly more convincing now that his “side” has proven itself indifferent to human suffering, but haven’t we all been through enough Find Outs lately to stop fucking around? Default now? Sure. Fine. Why have a lengthy decline phase?

Ohio Congressman Anthony Gonzalez, one of the ten House Republicans with enough courage and decency to back Government Cheese Goebbels’ impeachment, announced he will not seek another term, citing in part threats to his family from an out-of-control right wing culture of rage with a demonstrated and growing capacity for violence. Inciting terrorism has proven an efficient little technique for keeping the House GOP in line, have you noticed that? That’s maybe not the healthiest truth about American politics at the moment.

Bless his heart, Mike Pence thinks he can get his excommunicated ass elected President by very same mob that attempted to execute him publicly a few short months ago. Shitty man tiltin’ at a shitty windmill. Oh well. Fuck him.

Meanwhile, the Deposed Dotard keeps dashing off manic little memos to Brad Raffensberger (remember him?) demanding to be swiftly reinstalled as President Again For Real This Time, based on…fuck, who even knows anymore? Whatever hot new scrap of Russian disinformation happens to be pinballing around Gab or Gettr or OnlyCreepyOldGuysWhoWantToFuckTheirOwnDaughters.

I see “white replacement theory” is back in the news this week, thanks to Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick and House GOP leadership’s Elise Stefanik. Boy, that nasty little pair encompass the modern Republican Party perfectly, don’t they? The death-crazed apocalyptic zealot and the Just Tell Me Which Necks to Step On climber with no core values beyond “more people should do what Elise Stefanik tells them to,” united by an ideology of violence fueled by racist fear and hatred. It sure would be cool to defy the fundamentals and keep these skeevy freaks from power next year, don’tcha think?

We do want to replace you, of course. Not because you’re white, because you’re MURDEROUSLY INCOMPETENT. Goddamn. If you wanna hang onto jobs that you’re this disastrously fucking bad at, go interview at Comcast customer service, government is a bad fit. (I totally get why y’all are trying to destroy democracy tho.)

Good gravy, that’s dark shit. We deserve a little schadenfreude palate cleanser after all that, I think. Fortunately, the MyPillow Guy has dedicated the rest of his life to dousing his own scrotum in gasoline and setting it ablaze for our amusement, so we have some material to work with.

Browse the menu for a bit. There’s always the comfort food of yet another humiliatingly under-attended pro-Trump “rally.” If you prefer something spicier, try this tale of Mike’s futile efforts to rekindle the romance with his jilted former partners at Fux Nooz. Or, if you’re in the mood for something exotic and new, might I recommend the bizarre, three-day hatepillowthon with…wait, this can’t be right, Jim Bakker?

Holy balls, JIM BAKKER. Okay, that’s about all I can take. I’m done. Jim Bakker. Cool. Shower Cap out.

Forgive the disruption of the usual schedule, by the way. It’s Riot Fest weekend here in Chicago, one of my favorite annual holidays, and I just couldn’t bear the thought of letting the early bird ticket I bought in 2019 go to waste. A little punk rock now and then recharges the weary soul. I needed that, and now that I think of it, I could use a little more; headed back now. Stay safe out there, my friends, we’ll return to our regularly scheduled ranting next Friday night.

*We didn’t forget about you either, Pompeo, stop sniveling. 

Freedom's Just Another Word For Gettin' Children Killed (Ferret)

I’m feeling kinda nostalgic tonight, for the bland normalcy of the Before Times. Wouldn’t it be nice to post some innocuous gag about the mildly irritating annual reemergence of pumpkin spice everything, and then just go about your day, free from worry about the increasingly fascist American Right, and all the strange new ways they’re finding to fuck everything up? Where’s my wistful country song about those bygone days?

(As always, bright, shiny colors and useful news links await you here: http://showercapblog.com/freedoms-just-another-word-for-gettin-children-killed/)

To remind everyone of the status quo: hundreds still die daily from a disease with three, count ‘em THREE fucking vaccines, because a bizarre, quasi-religious culture has congealed around zany, suicidal ideas like “medical science is bad, actually,” and “reality is optional.”

Oh, and when they’re not busy spreading disease, adherents of this batshit new faith (their highest deity is a game show host who cannot, for reasons doubtless lost to the fog of prehistory, pick out pants that fit) work diligently to end American democracy, and replace it with a permanent dictatorship of the loud, angry, and stupid.

I mention this because, right here, in the midst of this shitstorm of historic proportions, the New York Times figured it was the ideal moment to administer the “both sides” treatment to Normal Human Empathy so vigorously Chuck Todd is expected to sue for gimmick infringement.

You see, some profoundly damaged shitbag scrawled a sad, mean little op-ed in the Wall Street Journal, shitting on President Biden for using his own grief to connect with Gold Star families, and the pearl-clutchers at the Times dutifully transcribed that cynical bullshit as a thoughtful argument offered in good faith, rather than simply one more strand of outrage spaghetti flung at the fridge in the Ministry of Propaganda’s break room, and goddammit, it’s well past time y’all in the press wised up to the way these asshats manipulate you.

Because if commiseration and compassion have indeed become partisan, you aren’t dealing with a polite disagreement between reasonable folk, you’re talking about a movement seeking to replace civilization with sociopathy. And history shows us, without much subtlety, how that shit works out.

The truth is, Republicans despise Biden’s decency because it shames them, and they fear it because it’s what enabled him to defeat their Crotchrot Emperor in the first place. I’m sure these fucks would love nothing more than to turn Smilin’ Joe’s greatest asset into a liability, and it sure would be cool if the “paper of record” could replace a few of these docile stenographers with real reporters while the republic still stands.

Because decency IS partisan in America right now. From the halls of Congress to the Fux Nooz boardroom to each individual, personalized, wingnut rabbit hole, Republicans are united in their efforts to roll back hard-won human rights, and prolong this interminable fucking pandemic, spreading disease, suffering, and death, especially amongst children too young to vaccinate.

“Well DANG, CAP, that is one inflammatory accusation!” It is. Notice any lies?

If it’s confirmation you’re after, well, take a look at the Laboratory of Kakistocracy some call Texas, where voting is for white people, and women just got legally downgraded from “human” to “host body.”

Confronted about a particularly draconian aspect of his theocratic crackdown on female autonomy, Governor Greg Abbott claimed it would be silly to worry about the lack of exemption from his abortion ban for rape victims, cuz he’s gonna snap his fingers and eliminate rape completely, easy peezy.

Greg. Bro. Under your leadership, Texans are experiencing a quality of life that shouldn’t be possible in a nation as advanced and wealthy as the United States. You transformed your state’s energy grid into a warped experiment in mad libertarian science, allowing oligarchs to gleefully extract billions from the plebs while an expendable handful (just a couple hundred human beings, whatevs) FROZE TO DEATH IN THEIR OWN HOMES.

Your public health policy reads like it was crafted by coronavirus lobbyists, like pestilence’s own personal ALEC. You’re setting records for pediatric hospitalizations, Greg. Because you have chosen to value the esteem of maniacs over the lives of children, tens of thousands of kids have contracted Covid-19 on your watch. Dozens have died.

Did everybody catch that? I feel like we’re numb to these statistics, but as of last Friday, September 3rd, Texas had reported over 50,000 child coronavirus cases, and 59 deaths. Certainly more by now, and more to come. I bet I could come up with a really fantastic joke about the dark irony of these child-murdering bastards’ sanctimonious “pro-life” branding, but I’m too busy projectile vomiting.

Anyhoo, problem-solving doesn’t really seem to be your “thing,” Gregward, so forgive my skepticism regarding this secret plan to end rape forever. While we’re exchanging glove slaps, I may as well call into question the purity of your intentions, what with the LITERAL BOUNTIES you just authorized on women who exercise their reproductive rights. Texas actually leads the nation in rape, by the way, so heckuva job so far.

Word on the street is, Democratic strategists have finally begun embracing the political gifts that fall into one’s lap when one’s opponents deliberately cause thousands of senseless, preventable deaths, setting up a major midterm collision between the apocalyptic fatalism of Tate Reeves’ “what is a pandemic really but an opportunity for folks to get a head start on the afterlife?” and the politics of common fucking sense. I’m feeling optimistic, but far from cocky.

Jim “What if ringworm had a safely gerrymandered seat in the U.S. Congress” Jordan says, “vaccine mandates are un-American,” and call me old-fashioned, but I think once you formally vote to side with terrorists against your own country and Constitution, you waive all future participation rights in the “what counts as patriotism” debate.

Members of the Proud Boys, that delusional incel brigade you may remember from such terrorist attacks as the Capitol Riot, attempted to invade a high school full of children in Vancouver, Washington, enraged that the district had taken simple, scientifically sound measures to prevent the spread of Covid-19 through their student body. This story barely made a ripple at the national level, cuz we live in this fun, safe, extremely healthy culture that has normalized shitty white boy violence.

It will no doubt shock you to learn Senator Lindsey Graham (R-the Military-Industrial Complex) is already positively horny to re-invade Afghanistan. See, this why I never gave much thought to the speculation around Graham’s sexuality; it’s always been clear the man is only aroused by the spilt blood of other people’s children. There’s simply not enough Viagra in the world to make Lil’ Lindsey stand at attention during horrible, horrible peacetime.

In a thuggish attempt to bully their way out of the legal consequences of their treachery, a group of House Republicans (Gaetz, Brooks, Taylor Greene, Gosar…you know, the Nazis) sent a petulant, threatening letter to the CEO of Yahoo!…who hasn’t worked there in four years. I feel like I could almost handle the tyranny of the minority, if they weren’t so aggressively, defiantly subpar. The plot against America is being carried out on a third-grade reading level, and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Donald Trump Jr.’s uncontrolled sobbing washed away nearly $12,000 worth of cocaine when his dirtbag father, in one of those pathetic, post-Twitter ban cries for attention, expressed more affection for a freshly-removed statue of Robert E. Lee than he ever has, over the course of four decades and change, for his own firstborn son. You’re never gonna be able to compete with monuments to racist loser traitors, Junior; partially because Daddy is a narcissist, yes, but also because you’re absolute trash.

The Biden Administration’s ongoing fumigation of the executive branch finally dislodged a few celebrity squatters from their lame duck appointments to the advisory boards of the nation’s military academies, prompting some mildly amusing theatre. Lots of melodramatic wailing about “norms” from the likes of Sean Spicer and Kellyanne Conway? Okay, sure. Congrats on slithering your way back onto page 12 for a day, kids. I guess.

Looks as though Joe Biden finally had his fill of the dewormer-guzzling plague dispenser crowd, and their insistence on the right to not just die, but kill. GOOD.

In a speech heavy with the weary, “I’m sick and tired of asking you to stop shoving crayons up your nose” energy we all recognize from Every Waking Moment For Six Months Now, the President announced a new set of You’ll Fight Covid and Like It, Mister measures, including overdue mandates for millions of workers, to either take their pick of the three safe, effective vaccines, or submit to weekly testing, a common sense policy designed with the once-non-controversial goal of reducing sickness and death.

Good call, Joe. Carrot Time is over. We had Carrot Time for a long-ass time. Lotta people died to give these colicky toddlers all the Carrot Time anyone could reasonably expect. So, it’s Stick Time now. Half past Stick Time, if you ask me.

Instead of the “now that you mention it, saving lives and moving past the motherfucking pandemic both sound great; thanks, Joe!” response you’d expect from sane, rational beings, Republicans offered only “full on revolt” against these (checks notes) necessary public health measures, vowing scorched earth opposition to this intolerable violation of the coronavirus’ inalienable right to be escorted, classroom by classroom, though the entire fucking country, until every school has its very own mobile morgue parked out front to handle the surge in expendable kid corpses.

Sharing America with a death cult is like being trapped in an episode of The Odd Couple scripted by Cormac McCarthy during a bath salts overdose. I confess I do not care for it.

Anyway, the pumpkin spice horse paste I ordered just arrived, so it’s time for me to check out for the weekend. Stay safe out there, Resisters…times are real fuckin' weird. Hey, I might not be back at our regular time next week; it’s Riot Fest weekend in Chicago, and I surely need the diversion. We’ll work something out. 

Ah, I See the Fascist Death Cult Started Rolling Back Our Rights? That's Fun. (Ferret)

Longtime readers know this blog’s opening paragraph has traditionally been a needlessly verbose “stuff sure is crazy” sort of thing; it’s a gag that’s worked for me for a long time, but would anybody mind if today, I just…screamed? I need me a good, sturdy, primal YOWL right about now, the kind you’d encounter in some mid-20th century method acting class. Fucking hell.

(As ever, get this post with links n’ shit here: http://showercapblog.com/ah-i-see-the-fascist-death-cult-started-rolling-back-our-rights-thats-fun/)

Turns out, a society goes through all sortsa wacky shit when it flirts with fascism. You see folks assault reporters live on camera, and bring zip ties to their kids’ school in order to kidnap the principal, cuz the great partisan battlefield of the moment is Spread Deadly Disease Amongst Children or Nah?

It was a time of stupendous collective mental health, is what I’m saying.

So, Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves claimed ICUs and graveyards throughout the Republican-ruled South are filling up with Covid victims due to neither lethally incompetent wingnut misrule, nor MAGA culture’s suicidal addiction to disinformation, but rather because Real ‘Muricans are wild-eyed fanatics who know better than to value human life on accounta how eternal rewards await the faithful disciples of that drooling game show host regularly overwhelmed in his intellectual jousts with the wily umbrella.

I bring this up in case you’d somehow blissfully forgotten that we’re all still (STILL!) trapped, with the Delta variant and a death cult, inside the stalled elevator that is the United States of America in 2021.

I can’t get over the sheer, shitty luck of it…a pandemic AND a death cult. Lord, that’s a trash hand. Spanish flu didn’t have Joe Rogan helpin’ things along, y’know?

Anyway. It truly would appear as though, despite the mobile morgues overflowing with the remains of anti-vax talk radio hosts, there is no stream of cautionary tales steady enough to cool the American Right’s lust for animal dewormer.

Ivermectin, folks. The mere idea of ivermectin is more addictive and mind-warping to these assclowns than any controlled substance. Their precious miracle cure for a disease that already has three fully functional miracle cures.

The crowd that mistook the fella who couldn’t figure out how to make money in the casino industry for the world’s greatest businessman knows WAY more about medicine than any dumb ol’ doctor, that’s for sure.

Some of these fools are actually going to court (and WINNING) to force hospitals to administer cow medicine to their Covid-afflicted relatives, which is a bit like asking a judge to make an auto mechanic shove a cantaloupe up your spouse’s ass: it won’t accomplish anything positive, and you’re FUCKING INSANE for thinking it will.

Meanwhile, in parts of rural Oklahoma, folks with legitimate medical emergencies are left to patiently bleed out in the lobby, because all the hospital beds are full of Nobel Prize-winning epidemiologists who self-medicated with livestock-sized doses of horse paste. Is this just…how life is now? Do we need to drastically expand our health care capacity to accommodate regular casualties inflicted by this patchwork, blackpilled/crowdsourced, dumbfuck WebMD?

Fuckers are buying fake vaccination cards now. Cool plan, bro. Flash that bad boy to the nurses right before you’re intubated, they’ll be SUPER impressed.

Rand Paul accused the entire global scientific community of refusing to seriously investigate the batshit conspiracy theories of internet weirdos out of “hatred for Donald Trump,” which makes about as much sense as seeking medical treatment at a feed store, I suppose. Hell, maybe it’s my standards that’re too high.

Meanwhile, Mitch McConnell sees little point in rebuking his deranged colleagues over their lethal lies, however high the butcher’s bill. While Yertle’s insatiable pursuit of power coupled with his complete lack of any sense of responsibility has made him the most disastrous legislator in American history, it must be said, he’d make one helluva Spider-Man villain.

A pastor and spokesman for an organization called National Religious Broadcasters got unceremoniously shitcanned for promoting vaccination. Yeah, you read that right. Look, if this is how things are gonna be, I need somebody to work up some synonyms for “death cult,” just to keep things lively around here.

Young Maddy Cawthorn no longer feels particularly obligated to slide much plausible deniability into his calls for violent retribution in the name of the Big Lie, I see. Man, who’da thought the Hitler’s Favorite Hideaways on 50 Euros A Day kid would pull so much Nazi shit?

That a Trumpler Youth poosquirt like Cawthorn remains a member in good standing of the House Republican Conference, while Freedumb Caucus alpha jackal Andy Biggs demands the expulsion of Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger for the sin of choosing country over party, for inciting accountability instead of violence, tells you all you need to know about the GOP of 2021: ignore it at your peril.

Though the Chuck Todds* of this world will do their damndest to paint this as politics as usual, (and politics as entertainment) the truth is, to shield the traitors and terrorists in their midst, the House GOP would happily burn American democracy to ash before allowing the rule of law to work its will. I believe I mentioned peril a moment ago. Laugh at the jokes, (please) but pay attention to the peril.

No wonder Kevin McCarthy’s running around, bleating out fashy little threats, vowing revenge on any tech company that complies with the January 6th commission’s requests for records. Such retaliation would be extremely illegal of course, but then, so was assaulting dozens of law enforcement officers in an attempt to overturn the most recent election. Ol’ K-Dog’s really starting to grow into his jodhpurs, ain’t he?

Seditious Dicktumor Mo Brooks, sounding not at all like a cornered crook, drenched in flop sweat as the fuzz closes in, hilariously suggested the commission lacked probable cause to subpoena his private communications, as though the entire world didn’t watch him address, and indeed incite the very mob of shitweasels that would shortly invade his workplace in search of Vice Presidents to lynch. Mo thinks “probable cause” is just a synonym for “Black,” of course.

Abusing the shadow docket process to slither past the public scrutiny that would accompany hearings on an issue so massive, Anti Choicey Barrett and her Four Inquisitor Horsemen not only effectively repealed Roe v. Wade in the dead of night, but deputized every theocrat incel in Texas as state-sanctioned bounty hunters, free to terrorize any neighbors who even think about helping a woman exercise autonomy over her own body.

Wow, did it get medieval in here or is it just me? I particularly enjoy the timing of this enormous, regressive power grab; the disease-spreading terrorist sympathizers feel they should be allowed to pick n’ choose which rights the rest of us get, you see. I dunno, maybe after crashing the economy and getting hundreds of thousands of people needlessly killed, and, oh yeah, decisively losing the election, you kids should sit your asses down in the corner with a third grade science textbook for a spell.

But no, see, when Republicans fuck up, they simply get straight to work undermining the right the vote; spares ‘em all that pesky “reflection” shit, and it’s certainly more fun than abandoning your archaic, failed, deeply unpopular positions JUST BECAUSE the public rejects them. Apparently one of the core tenets of modern conservatism is that America has no right to be governed competently.

So maybe everybody should VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, lest the nation fall to these moldering dungbuckets once more. Just a thought.

Rough one this week, Resisters. Do not, under any circumstances, let the bastards grind you down. I mean it. That said, I need a beer now. NEED. See y’all ‘round…

*Chucks Todd?

PS - Hey Kickstarter backers: Answer yer surveys. Do it. 

Golly, I Sure Hope You Like Talking About Horse Dewormer (Th'Ferret)

Just to rip the bandaid off right up front, we are indeed now in week three of the Won’t Take No Experimental Vaccine Pass the Horse Dewormer story, in case anybody woke up this morning hoping they’d somehow Rip Van Winkled themselves into saner times. You’re not gettin’ out that easy, pal.

(Your regular invitation to the land of shiny colors and news links that is…my blog site: http://showercapblog.com/golly-i-sure-hope-you-like-talking-about-horse-dewormer/)

Yes, the whatthefuckest period in American history to date shows no signs of giving way to a new Enlightenment any time soon, though I like our chances once Darwin gets done with these asshats.

Because…yeah, folks’re still eating horse dewormer. More folks than ever are eating horse dewormer, actually. Seems they think it’ll protect them from Covid. It won’t. Because it’s horse dewormer, and therefore designed to deworm horses. Not to fight Covid. If it fought Covid, they’d probably call it “Covid fighter,” rather than, y’know…“horse dewormer.”

Now, far be it from me to offer unsolicited advice, but when contemplating membership in a cult or cultlike organization, where the primary tenet is “fuck every single thing the other side says,” make sure you haven’t set yourself up opposite the team with all the doctors and scientists. Because that’s how you wind up shitting yourself in the grocery store with a belly full of livestock drench.

Anyway, an apple (-flavored horse paste) a day will NOT keep the Covid away, though it just so happens there are THREE SEPARATE FUCKING VACCINES that will. One of ‘em, Pfizer, was even fully approved by the FDA this week, finally, which really ought to’ve been amazing, wonderful news, and a massive step forward in the battle against vaccine hesitancy, but I’ll be a monkey’s sex-trafficking wingman if Fox and the rest of the right-wing jagoffosphere didn’t immediately begin screeching that the approval process had been “rushed,” I guess because Bill Gates was unsatisfied with microchip penetration levels in rural Alabama.

I understand keeping your audience in a perpetual state of garment-rending rage; killing off the very rube army you’ve worked so long and hard to brainwash, at a rate currently exceeding 1,000 per day, seems counterproductive. New model findings say that without behavioral changes, we’re on track for an additional 100,000 Covid deaths by early December. One hundred thousand. With three vaccines. Did Rupert Murdoch win some sort of animal dewormer production facility in a golf game or something?

While I am an optimist at heart, I believe we have to be honest about the likelihood of the necessary behavioral changes manifesting in a culture that would rather ingest strange chemical products that come in packaging adorned with pictures of animals than accept advice from anyone with actual medical training.

Because now, even the Dotard himself can’t promote vaccination (that dastardly deep state alternative to dying alone on a ventilator) without getting booed. Wow, it’s like if Frankenstein’s Monster made his own monster and lost control of it. Now that I think of it, Frankenstein Times A Million is gonna be a great title for either a Gore Verbinksi movie or a six-volume, Caro-style opus documenting American history from 2019 through 2021.

Of course, between the boos and the threat of losing Alex Jones’ esteem, Wee Donnie One-Term’s little experiment in responsible behavior is sure to prove short. Gotta ask, though…does no one see the inherent flaw in pandering to suicidal impulses?

Guess not. Because wherever they hold power, Republicans continue governing for the exclusive benefit of the malignantly insane, at the expense of the responsible majority, and if there’re any pollsters out there reading this, feel free to scribble me down as strongly disapproving of that shit.

Down in Texas, Greg Abbott, that champion of freedumb, has been a busy little beaver on the Reaper’s behalf, banning mask and vaccine mandates, while importing mortuary trailers and thousands of out-of-state medical professionals to deal with the carnage he’s unleashed. Nifty little assembly line you’ve set up there, Greg-O. Homicidal, but efficient.

Thank God, a court rescued Florida’s children from their Governor’s Scooby Doo villain plot to turn public schools into Covid incubators, the better to enrich his donors. Oh by the way, this paragraph is brought to you by REGENERON™️, the official pharmaceutical product of Ron DeSantis’ bloodthirsty ambition.

And Kristi Noem, fresh off her second successful Sturgis superspreader event, dared Joe Biden to come to South Dakota so they could arm-wrestle on the table she had carved from the bones of constituents she sent to early graves. One Cult45er was so impressed with Noem’s posturing, he disconnected his ventilator applauding over-vigorously.

…and yet it’s Gavin Newsom facing a recall election. Lordy. (Y’all in California know to vote in that thing, yeah?)

And the 6-3 wingnut SCOTUS majority decided there’s no reason to allow a silly, insignificant obstacle like “losing the presidency in a historic landslide” interfere with Hairplug Himmler’s white nationalist immigration policy, the latest smashing progressive victory delivered by the Hillary Just Didn’t Earn My Vote crowd.

Judging by their unrestrained giddiness, the thirteen American casualties from a tragic suicide bombing in Afghanistan represent the best thing that’s happened to the ghoulish opportunists of the Republican Party since the first Proud Boy breached the Capitol on January 6th. “Impeach Joe Biden,” squeal the very same spineless apparatchiks who enabled the Velveeta Vulgarian’s four-year crime spree. Whatever.

I see Kevin McCarthy is already soggy with drool at the prospect of leaving his own personal stamp on the “Benghazi hearings” genre. Yeah, I’m sure your feral base’ll eat that shit right up. Like horse dewormer. Which brings us back to the problem of turning your people out at the polls after delivering so many of them to Governor Abbott’s mobile morgues.   

Okay, this might be a bit weird…we’ve got the format more or less down here at Shower Cap’s Blog, but after years of “lookit this act of fuckery perpetrated by this fascist taintmaggot,” I am surprised and delighted to report an unexpected bumper crop of “fascist taintmaggot finally faces long-overdue consequences for previous fuckery” stories.

Leading the pack are Sidney Powell, Lin Wood, and their whole fetid flock of would-be democracy destroyers, who received a righteous spanking from U.S. District Court Judge Linda Parker, whose 110-page ruling is in no way safe for work.

Also, one of the walking skidmarks who plotted to kidnap Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer got his loser ass sentenced to six years in prison. Hey, quick Shower Cap Fact: it is against the law to kidnap your governor! Betcha didn’t know that.

In addition, seditious pigfucker Devin Nunes had another of his fascistic nuisance lawsuits dismissed, in a victory for free speech and a massive setback for ham-humping wannabe authoritarians everywhere.

Whew. I don’t know about you, but all that sweet, sweet comeuppance left me with a sticky keyboard. Dare we hope the trend continues? I certainly wouldn’t mind if Scumfuck Justice Roundup became a regular feature.

Maybe we can allow ourselves a little cautious optimism. Maybe this new lawsuit, from seven Capitol Police officers, will take a chunk out of Tangerine Idi Amin and his fashy friends. And if nothing else, the January 6th commission’s initial salvo of records requests sent a clear shot across Mar-a-Lago’s bow, and even though I’m now hopelessly entangled in cannon metaphors that don’t really work, Bennie Thompson’s merry band is clearly loaded for bear*.

Nobody’s delivering quite so much karmic retribution as our old friend: the novel coronavirus which causes Covid-19. From wingnut talk radio host Phil Valentine to the dirtbag lawyer who represented Kyle Rittenhouse and a bunch of Capitol rioters, those who have fucked around are beginning, one by one, to find out.

Ask Caleb Wallace, 30-year-old father of three. He won’t respond, as he is, as I write this, unconscious in the ICU on a ventilator. Caleb did everything he was supposed to; he crusaded against masks and organized “freedom rallies” and even gorged himself on fucking horse medication, none of which stopped the virus from ravaging his body, because disinformation doesn’t magically become truth if you just believe hard enough. Tucker Carlson is not your fairy godmother, kids.

Sooooo…yeah. Everything is pretty much insane, but insane in familiar ways, I suppose. Stay safe out there, friends. Don’t let angry weirdos infect you with any diseases.

PS - Hey, for those of you who backed the Kickstarter…rewards surveys have been sent! Answer ‘em as soon as you can, I can’t mail your comics if I don’t have your address! If you don’t see the e-mail in your inbox, take a quick peek in the ol’ junk folder, you may find me there among the erectile dysfunction miracle cures.

*ZING!

Ron DeSantis' Vile New Grift and Other Acts of Wingnut Malice (Th'Ferret)

It was naive of me, but I really did believe things would be a little less crazy, and a little less stupid by now. However, here in the 297th consecutive week of the Exact Same Right Wing Pandemic Tantrum, it’s clear I was foolish to ever dream this fever could break.

(Shiny colors and nifty news links await you on my blog site: http://showercapblog.com/ron-desantis-vile-new-grift-and-other-acts-of-wingnut-malice/)

I guess we should start with Afghanistan. Who would’ve thought a place known as “the Graveyard of Empires” would prove so inhospitable?

Not to impugn the good faith of the military-industrial complex, but I’m starting to think that Afghan army we spent two decades building never quite became the elite peacekeeping force we were led to expect. I guess $83 billion doesn’t buy what it used to.

Other than human tragedy on an unfathomable scale, of course.

It’s sure been somethin’, watching all the Republican pundits n’ politicians, scowling so somberly as they lament Joe Biden’s “failure” and “weakness,” when they’re not-so-secretly beside themselves with glee that they get to spend the foreseeable future stirrin’ up fear and hate of our most loyal Afghan allies.

A Republican strategist is just somebody who works out the shortest distance between two points, where the second point is always Be Afraid of Brown People, so the last couple of weeks have basically been a paid vacation.

…and Xmas for the likes of Tucker Carlson. A Muslim refugee scare so soon after Viktor Orbán Week? I guess White Supremacist Santa thinks Liar Tuck has been appropriately naughty this year.

Can’t imagine you were surprised to see Stephen Miller crawl out of his sewer pipe to stoke the fires of hate for a bit. Last thing that little Nazi tapeworm wants is more folks willing to fight for American values.

You look from Miller to those brave Afghans who risked their lives, fighting the forces of ignorance and autocracy, alongside the U.S. military, and you can’t help but think, yeah, let’s get this “white replacement” thing y’all talk about so much started. That photo of the airplane full of evacuees you bastards have been waving around in fear-mongering fervor? I say empty that plane, fill it up with the exact same number of Oath Keepers and Newsmax hosts, turn it around, and send it right back. Wash, rinse, repeat, until we’re no longer debating whether or not democracy is good. Where’s my MoveOn petition for that option?

Before we get into the week’s Covid news, the usual disclaimer that much of the behavior described will make no damn sense; I think it helps to keep in mind the people involved have no damn sense.

The Biden Administration has been forced to escalate their conflict with the coronavirus’ deadliest ally: the Republican Governors Association. It’s weird that an extremely contagious, frequently lethal virus has its own personal fifth column in 21st-century America, but then, a lot of shit’s weird these days.

Greg Abbott, leading by example for a change, caught his very own case of the disease he’s been so assiduously dispensing to Texas’ schoolchildren. (I didn’t say it was positive leadership.) Meanwhile, his casually nihilistic Lt. Governor introduced a fresh, new, racist conspiracy theory into a market that’s surely saturated by now*.

And Death Cult Bandwagon Jumper Doug Ducey became the latest GOP governor to force his constituents’ children to cosign his party’s suicide pact with the Delta variant. See? Weird shit, huh? Toldja.

Folks, you’re gonna have to bear with the Republican Party. Remember, they’re coming off a year when they had no policy platform whatsoever, and there are inevitably going to be a few bumps in the road as they suss out what their disinformation-addicted, feral base wants.

For the moment, the focus seems t’be on just two issues: letting Richard Spencer rewrite the nation’s history textbooks, and feeding as many Americans as possible to the disease that’s already killed 624,000 of us, asterisk minors strongly preferred.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced a whole new category for next year’s ceremony: Best Video Footage of a Brain-Broke Wingnut Decaying Before Our Very Eyes Into a Puddle of Rage at a School Board Meeting. Gonna be competitive.

Trouble is, it’s these and ONLY these people that Republican governance currently serves. Here in the fever swamps of 2021, “conservative” policy is driven by the ever-shifting delusions of the most gullible rubes who ever blew a paycheck on a doomsday prep kit shilled by a talk radio host, and folks, that is no way to run a dang railroad. Or to, y’know, SET PUBLIC HEALTH POLICY DURING A GODDAMN PANDEMIC.

But that’s how we’re playin’ it, in red states anyway, which is completely insane of course, the kind of insane you seldom see outside those who develop labyrinthine plots to kill the Batman, but I suppose that’s how we wound up at this KOOKY moment in history, when the American right has decided to open up a hot front in the nation’s cold culture war, carefully selecting their battlefields to maximize child casualties.

It is real, real, REAL important to Republican politicians that kids catch Covid. Like, tax-cuts-for-their-billionaire-masters important. Now, I’m old-fashioned; I’m in favor of a more traditional government role, where elected officials use the powers of their offices to reduce sickness and suffering wherever possible, but times change, and perhaps we should respect the religious liberty of our death cultist brothers and sisters, as they pursue their mad quest to fill every ICU bed in the South.

Or maybe we could, I dunno, shuffle our priorities around a bit, focus more on saving lives than placating ill-behaved, misinformed shitweasels? Maybe, and I don’t want to sound like a radical commie libtard cuck or anything, do things that work instead of things that don’t?

Like, I don’t want to tell Ron DeSantis how to do his job, but when one is overseeing (or, as you could more accurately say, “causing”) a senseless, unnecessary, mass-casualty event, that generates headlines like, “Sick COVID patients lie on floor at antibody treatment site in Florida,” and “Mask fight in Florida schools as pediatric ICU beds fill with patients,” one could likely find better uses for one’s time than petulantly punishing local educators who insist on protecting their charges from your deranged, homicidal “orders,” but I suppose the mob isn’t going to throw bloody chunks of red meat to itself.

Oh wait, maybe I do want to tell Ron DeSantis how to do his job. The governor job, not his side gig as an entry-level Regeneron hawker.

Yeah, DeSantis, who will always find a way to sink to heretofore undiscovered depths of depravity, having used his platform and his powers to spread Covid-19 throughout his state, now ever-so-subtly nudges the population he failed and infected towards an expensive treatment, (vaccines are still free, yo) each dose of which further enriches Kenneth C. Griffin, the billionaire hedge fund jag who finances Ron-Ron’s campaigns, and pulls his strings.

Got that? Intentionally spreading a deadly disease, amongst children, in order to create consumers for a product that would have no function in an environment where the pandemic was under control. Quite possibly the most obscene thing I have ever witnessed. Raw evil.

MAGA Nation, I have to ask: how many ways do the turd-gargling plutocrats you look to for leadership have to tell you, directly to your face, that your lives mean less than nothing to them, that they would happily feed you face-first into a wood-chipper for a fucking nickel, before you get the fucking message?

Because even as Fux Nooz fills your head with snakes and pop rocks, behind the scenes, they’ve implemented their own mask mandates and vaccine passports, you know that, right? Turns out, the things they tell you are tyrannical deep state plots to control you are actually simple, common-sense measures that keep people safe and healthy. To cut through the bullshit: they’re protecting their own lives while encouraging you to throw yours away.

And, for that reason, you should stop listening to them.

Anyone? Bueller?

Sigh. Moving on.

Unsatiated by January 6th’s flaccid fascist kerfuffle, loser white boy terrorism returned to the U.S. Capitol on Thursday, in the form of Floyd Ray Roseberry, a Normal Tourist Visitor from a nearby alternate reality constructed by the shittiest people alive. This one didn’t have a real bomb, so nobody got hurt this time; sure hope we’re that lucky next time and the time after that and the time after that and…anyhow.

Mo Brooks responded to the incident in typical Mo Brooks fashion, by which I mean he expressed sympathy for, and even fellowship with the terrorist. This has been your weekly installment of Nazi Shit From Within the House Republican Conference Kevin McCarthy Couldn’t Be Bothered to Condemn, or, as it is known in Iowa, Shit That Makes Steve King Throw Half Empty Coors Light Bottles at the TV Set.

Hey, speaking of the American conservative movement’s terrorist wing, it seems the days before Proud Boy Spring Break, excuse me, I mean before “the Capitol Riot” saw a “suspicious spike in traffic” to a website containing maps of the tunnels running beneath the U.S. Capitol, from links originating on pro-Trump militia message boards, in what is surely the wackiest imaginable coincidence.

Surely.

Hey, gotta drop a great big sloppy THANK YOU on everybody for your generous support of Marguerite vs. the Occupation. It’s…humbling, that y’all believe in me enough to fork over your hard-earned money. And I’m thankful. Now we prep the book for the printer, so we can get it in your hands as soon as possible! Can’t wait!

There’s even more Nazi-stompin’ fun on the horizon, believe it or not…but for now, I’ll stop trying to sell you folks my comics…because I’d rather talk about the awesome, Covid-vanquishing miracle called REGENERON™️!

…I kid. Stay safe out there, my lovelies. We got through 2020, we’ll get through this shit.

*Of course, the right wing appetite for racist disinformation is entirely without limit. Ha ha ha fooled you. (weeps) 

Mr. DeSantis Murders His Way to Washington: Capra's Gone Dark (Th'Ferret)

Has anybody given any thought to putting the good folks at Moderna or Pfizer to work on a cure for brain maggots? Cuz it turns out it’s not enough to just create a solution to the biggest public health crisis we’ve seen in decades, there’s whole ’nother step; you have convince millions of misinformed asshats that solving the goddamn problem is even desirable. Because they’re nuts. Anyway, Merry Reinstatement Day, everybody.

(As ever, get this post, all shiny n’ chrome, with nifty nooz links, here: http://showercapblog.com/mr-desantis-murders-his-way-to-washington-capras-gone-dark/)

Now, I’m in Chicago, and things feel pretty safe here. We’ve been a responsible community. Lotta folks’re vaccinated already, everybody’s generally behaving well, complying when they’re told to mask up. And the numbers from Lollapalooza have been encouraging so far, hopefully indicating that with proper precautions and vigilance, we won’t suffer the fate of, say, DeSantistan.

Hope it’s safe where you are. And if it’s not, I hope you’re finding ways to stay safe.

Before we dive into the septic tank that is the week’s news, just a real quick reminder that multiple vaccines exist. And they all work great. So, like so many recent weeks, most of what we’re gonna talk about tonight didn’t need to happen. At all. I didn’t believe Mom when she said television and the internet would rot your brain, but now that I’ve watched weaponized disinformation overcome, on a mass scale, the basic biological instinct for self-preservation…well, she was right about Joni Mitchell, too.

Because we’re in babies-on-ventilators territory now, folks. More children than ever before hospitalized with Covid. Children dying. Between the Delta variant and the Dumbfuck constant, in some parts of this county COUGHCOUGHREDSTATES, conditions are actually worse than they were during the pre-vaccine peaks, back when the bleach guy was in charge.

And yet, in spite of mountains of evidence contradicting their insanity at every turn, this bizarre new American subculture, which sprung up around a reality television personality with bad hair and a brain incapable of comprehending time zones, chooses death.

Chooses it. From a buffet brimming with non-death options. Mask? No thank you, I prefer death. Vaccine? Nope. Just death, please. Maybe a little horse dewormer, if you can spare it.

And so now, yeah, we’re graduating from “dude who believed coronavirus disinformation dies from Covid” stories to “dude who spread coronavirus disinformation dies from Covid” stories, and still the hospitals overflow with the petulantly unvaccinated. Because a whole buncha folks are just irreparably broken and incapable of learning now, I guess.

Like, you watch that footage from Tennessee, from a parking lot following a school board meeting where a temporary mask mandate was instituted, and you see people shamelessly threaten their neighbors with violence over this crazy, 100% fake shit they believe, and you wonder when enough is going to be enough for the propaganda peddlers who pump this sludge into the nation’s weaker minds.

If you’re feeling brave enough to enter a brief staring contest with the abyss, here’s a righteously fucked-up little line from a real news story in the real world:

“One meme claims in the film vaccinations cause humans to turn into zombies, both misrepresenting the plot and the fictional nature of the film.”

“The fuck does THAT mean, Cap, and how can it possibly qualify as news?” Fair question. Well you see, it turns out there are actual living, breathing humans, walking around amongst us, who, when evaluating life or death decisions regarding their own health, have chosen to place more faith in expository science fiction gobbledygook from a Will Smith movie than in the repeatedly confirmed findings of medical experts. Sleep tight.

So yeah. Shouldn’t surprise anybody that we find ourselves revisiting the heady days of “not enough ICU beds to go ‘round.” It’s all so retro. The outlandish hairstyles, the ridiculous fashion fads, the mobile morgues.

Speaking of retro, the week’s “thank God the courts stopped that wannabe autocrat’s murderously insane power grab” story triggered a certain noxious nostalgia, didn’t it? Anyway, I think we can all agree it was weird that Ron DeSantis wanted to force cruise lines to turn their ships into floating coronavirus breeding dens in the first place.

You have to grudgingly give the man credit for perseverance, though; Ron-Ron’s gonna spread Covid-19 to every nook and cranny of his state, even if he has to go door to door, personally distributing Delta-infused brownies.

Demented bastard actually threatened to withhold the salaries of any school officials with the audacity to (checks notes) take measures to inhibit the spread of a highly contagious, potentially lethal disease through their community’s children. Not sure policymaking is your game, Ron.

‘Course, then it turned out he lacked the authority to make good on his playground threats, and he backed down, but that’s DeSantis for ya: behind the preening thug veneer lies the heart of a coward, and a brain containing the approximate mass of a single crouton.

No wonder folks say he’s the next Trump.

With Florida’s hospitals overwhelmed by his I Just Want the Death Cult to Like Me, Ma mismanagement, Ronward was forced to beg the Biden Administration for a couple hundred extra ventilators (remember, folks: three vaccines). But since he possesses a soul composed of the residue left behind by a salted slug, when the cameras showed up, the little turd acted like he never requested any help, because projecting “strength” to America’s burgeoning fascist movement matters more to him than keeping his constituents alive. And to think, it’s been suggested power corrupts.

It’s as though the Matrix has been devising increasingly elaborate tests of character for DeSantis to fail. If you’re searching for some sort of bottom to the man’s depravity…don’t waste your time.

Naturally, Greg Abbott has been pulling all the same shit, achieving all the same results. I feel like we don’t talk enough about how inherently stupid all this is, pursuing policies everyone knows in advance will only make things worse, justified exclusively by widely-debunked lies. Like, what’s the endgame here, fellas? Walk me through it. It’s well-established by now, you simply cannot gaslight a virus, so why the fuck are you still trying?

Sending one’s voters to early graves seems, on the surface, dubious as political strategy, but what do I know?  It’s as though they’ve replaced the Iowa Straw Poll with competitive corpse-piling. Ted Cruz wants the government’s response to this more-contagious variant of a virus that’s claimed 600,000 American lives already to stay small enough to drown in a bathtub. Unwilling to be out-crazied, Rand Paul urged open defiance of public health mandates, because the only right that truly matters to the modern conservative is the right to behave like an unrepentant bag of rotting dicks, ideally without consequences.

Incidentally, seems the Senate’s fakest doctor was so busy spreading disinformation vile enough to earn a weeklong YouTube suspension that he forgot to mention his wife engaged in a teensy bit of pandemic profiteering during the early days of the crisis he would spend the next year and change diligently exacerbating. Whoopsie.

Anyway, if the pestilence and kakistocracy somehow fail to end human civilization, at least right wingers have a solid fallback plan, as the week’s sobering United Nations climate report reminded us.

Chuck Grassley’s certainly doing his damnedest to force the nation’s newsrooms to discard their prepared obituaries, reverently documenting his decades in public service, in favor of a single line reading, “just one more pimple on a fascist game show host’s ass.” Chuckles, at any point during your disgraceful little speech, did you pause to wonder precisely how your life’s work had led you to that moment, making sad, flimsy excuses for the attempted overthrow of the United States government by a dude who couldn’t figure out how to make money in the casino business?

While Grassley grovels, each week, we learn fresh, new details of President Cornered Rat’s frenzied, lame duck efforts to gnaw his way through the cage made from the U.S. Constitution and the will of the 2020 electorate.

Jeffrey Rosen, Acting Attorney General during the final days of the Turd Reich, testified before the Senate about Hairplug Himmler’s incessant prodding of the boundaries of the rule of law, including a plot to elevate goose-stepping paper-pusher Jeffrey Clark to the AG seat. Clark was willing to execute orders more principled folk refused, which was pretty much the only qualification these dirtbags were seeking at that point. Kept job interviews short, I bet.

Good thing the ol’ transition period wasn’t even longer, right? Shout-out to the Founders for building such a cushy autogolpe window into the back end of the presidential term.

Oof. Y’know, if the MyPillow guy were anybody else, this wouldn’t be fun anymore, it’s like, I dunno…humiliation torture porn? Lucky for us, he’s still a treasonous shitweasel doing all he can to undermine everything that’s good and decent about America, so if the universe wants to keep pelting him with sweet, sweet comeuppance, my capacity to point and laugh at his misfortune will likely prove infinite.

Him n’ Rudy. Kindly continue self-immolating for my viewing pleasure, you evil fucks.

Anyway. Having failed to reinstate his beloved thousand-year Reich this week as promised, Mike went on what can only be termed a self-degradation bender, spending what must’ve been a fuckton of money from a surely-dwindling fortune, to make sure cameras captured every possible moment of his downward spiral. Lindell, whose blood type is “meth,” threw himself a so-called “cyber symposium,” with the apparent purpose of…revealing his claims of voter fraud were bullshit the entire time? Guess they don’t teach expectations management in pillow salesman school.

Oh, and Mike’s attempt to get the courts to throw out Dominion’s defamation lawsuit failed too, so he’s definitely got a few more branches to collide with yet, as he plummets from this tree towards the ironically pillowless ground below.

Dominion’s suits against Giuliani and Sidney “Did I say Kraken I meant crackhead” Powell were also permitted to proceed, and now the voting machine company is going after OAN and Newsmax as well. Heh. Perhaps the only thing that can stop a massive multimedia disinformation apparatus with a democracy-threatening conspiracy theory is a private company armed with America’s corporate-friendly legal system.

I see yet another prominent Republican Party figure has been arrested on child sex trafficking charges. This sort of thing happens a lot. Like, a LOT. Seriously, this is in no way an uncommon occurrence. Oddly, the Everybody I Already Hated Is Also a Pedophile What A Handy Coincidence crowd once again offered nary a condemnation of this latest abuser of children discovered on their own “side.” (Oh, and speaking of Matt Gaetz…ew.)

Just to check in real quick, what’s the Democratic Party up to in the midst of all this fuckery? Oh, not much, just taking a massive bite out of child hunger. Pushing their enormous infrastructure package slowly, steadily through the ol’ sausage-maker. Improving lives. Helping folks. Not, y’know, spreading disease or planting explosives around the pillars of American democracy. In case anybody’s still on the fence.

So, the Kickstarter for Marguerite vs. the Occupation ends this coming Thursday, August 19th, at 8 a.m., which means I’ll finally stop pestering you about my comic book, yes, (though there’s another one coming hot on Marguerite’s heels, if you must know) but also that your window to procure your very own copy of this Nazi-smashing pulp masterpiece is rapidly closing!

http://showercapblog.com/marguerite-vs-the-occupation/

I’ve said it a bunch, but it’s true: it’s you folks who’ve given me the confidence to finally chase this lifelong dream, and I’m endlessly thankful. I do write ‘em for you, y’know; Resistance Comics for a Resistance audience. Hell, after all we’ve been through together these last few years, don’t you feel like living vicariously through a fed-up young woman while she fucks up some Nazis?

I’ve been blessed with some truly stupendous collaborators on this one, and I think we’ve come together to tell a story you’ll legitimately dig; I would be honored n’ humbled to have your support.

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/worthcost/marguerite-vs-the-occupation

Either way, keep yourself safe out there; times’re wacky and dangerous and so very, very weird. See you in a week! 

What is "Sheep Drench," and Why Are Americans Putting It In Their Bodies? Depressing Answers Within!

Big breaking news this week, friends; my sources are telling me several mammalian orders, and perhaps even a few ambitious reptiles, will shortly be making a play for that coveted spot atop the food chain, now that humanity has proven so willing to piss on the fruits of millions of years of evolution, and die from a completely preventable disease, out of pure petulance. Don’t believe me? Well, when a family of yaks shows up at your door, announcing they’ve taken over your lease, you’ll find their paperwork is in order.

(As ever, links n’ shininess version here: http://showercapblog.com/what-is-sheep-drench-and-why-are-americans-putting-it-in-their-bodies-depressing-answers-within/)

Sure was informative, if chilling, watching the various would-be Voices of the Reich turn in their Fascist Propaganda 301 homework over the course of the past week. In fairness, it was a challenging assignment; how could one possibly defend January 6th’s loser thug blob while the whole world watched footage of their hate-fueled savagery, and heard testimony from the law enforcement officers they so viciously assaulted? A seemingly impossible task…until one recalls honesty, decency, and shame are no longer the obstacles they once were.

In fact, this presented a golden opportunity to introduce any recent death cult initiates to the concept of “crisis actors;” a simple but effective tactic for bypassing any pesky empathy that may yet linger in your budding zealot. Heck, from there, it’s just a hop, skip, and a jump to sharing a nasty giggle with a soft fink like Dinesh D’Souza, at the “weakness” of the heroic cops who, vastly outnumbered, battled a white supremacist mob, with the whole country on the line.

(For folks so obsessed with masculinity, they sure do choose some underwhelming idols, have you noticed that?)

Seditionist incest aficionado Rudy Giuliani has officially entered the “vowing vengeance in the afterlife” phase of his historic And Fall period. I’m honestly impressed; as rock bottoms go, few can hope to approach the self-immolating purity that was the Four Seasons Total Landscaping meltdown, but Rudes just keeps on digging, seeking depths that would freak Jules Verne the fuck out.

And he’s nowhere near done, folks.

I see young Madison Cawthorn experienced an unusually productive week in his quest to accumulate every single Hitler Youth merit badge. The busy little beaver earned an ethics complaint for badgering a congressional staffer, got outed for attempting to smuggle a Glock onto an airplane, AND participated in the attempted overthrow of a North Carolina school board over mask mandates. Guess it’s easy to find time for all that fashy tomfoolery when it never even crosses your mind to use your post as a U.S. Congressman to improve your constituents’ lives.

Recently dismissed kakistocrat Mark Meadows suggested the Deposed Dotard is holding little cosplay Cabinet meeting tea parties in exile at his tacky-ass golf resorts, no doubt featuring Roger Stone as the Mad Hatter and, oh, probably Bannon as the March Hare. (And Wilbur Ross as the Dormouse GET IT?!?!) Don Junior wearing a wig powdered in cocaine. Shit like that.

I see we’ve uncovered some of the paper trail from the Dipshit Coup attempt…sure would be nice to learn from that history before we repeat it, don’tcha think?

Looks like deer get Covid now. So that’s fun.

Speaking of the pandemic, we’re definitely still doing that thing where millions of Americans treat any expertise in the field of medicine as irrefutable proof of malicious intent, just in case you thought maybe something truly outrageous had occurred since last we met, like, I dunno, a sudden outbreak of rational thought or something.

To any future alien anthropologists sifting through the records of our surely-soon-to-be-ending civilization, I want to be clear about the fact that yes, we absolutely had a vaccine at this point. Three of ‘em, actually. Each proven to be safe and effective. It’s just that a whole buncha folks decided that science is a deep state conspiracy, (to…save…lives? I’m confused, too.) and they’d rather ingest things like “horse paste” and “sheep drench” instead.

While I’ve certainly made my share of dubious decisions over the years, I can’t help but wonder how a person comes to find themself sitting at the kitchen table, preparing to swig down a tall, frosty mug of SHEEP DRENCH, pausing only to self-high-five for outwitting that Fauci bastard. But here we are.

Under the reign of Trumpism’s Eve Harrington, Ron DeSantis, Florida has somehow managed to break the daily coronavirus hospitalization record set during the crisis’ pre-vaccine, headless chicken days. And then they broke it again. And again. Of course, similar (and similarly preventable) outbreaks are occurring all over the place, well, at least where Republicans are in charge: Alabama, Missouri, Texas, etc., but let’s focus on Ron-Ron for now.

As the Delta variant ravages his state, causing hundreds of senseless, unnecessary deaths, DeSantis has responded, and alien anthropologists, I SWEAR I am not fucking with you here, by blocking school districts from imposing mask mandates. So he’s forcing children into an environment science fully understands to be basically Golden Corral for Covid, while simultaneously prohibiting, under threat of funding loss, the use of precautionary measures widely understood to impede the virus’ spread.

Well golly, Cap, when you put it like that, it sounds MURDEROUSLY INSANE, doesn’t it?  Ron is less a “governor” than a serial killer, if we’re honest.

President Biden called Ronward out, for all the suffering n’ death he’s caused and continues to cause, and the response was a perfectly fascist tantrum which saw DeSantis offer his white nationalist base the comforting lie that illegal immigrants caused the whole problem anyway, because blaming dehumanized minorities for your own failings is the first thing they teach ya at Trump University. Somewhere in Hell, Goebbels is beaming with pride.

We know him primarily from his day job, dismantling American democracy in the name of subpar white dude supremacy, but did you know Kevin McCarthy dabbles in comedy? Yeah, he’s got a tight five on assaulting Nancy Pelosi with the Speaker’s gavel, it really kills at all the Proud Boy bars.

We’ve often wondered why McCarthy has refused to discipline Marjorie Taylor Greene, who continues using her platform as a United States Representative to incite violence at every opportunity; turns out he’s been too busy taking notes.

Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson takes home the coveted Disinformer of the Week trophy, for feeding great big honkin’ lies about both the Capitol Riot AND the coronavirus vaccine into the information ecosystem, earning as his prize the opportunity to utter a slur of his choosing over the intercom at his hometown Chick-fil-A.

Not since Valley Forge has America seen a defender of liberty as devout as South Carolina Congressdolt Ralph Norman. Norman is suing that nefarious tyrant, Nancy Pelosi, over the House mask mandate, because by gum, he was endowed by his creator with the unalienable right to spread Covid-19, which his fool ass caught, freely amongst his unsuspecting colleagues. They’re gonna put you on a postage stamp someday, Ralph.

Tucker Carlson took a little working vacation, to introduce his increasingly fascism-curious audience to the western world’s leading democracy-crushing dictator: Hungary’s Viktor Orbán. Ol’ Liar Tuck goes about his rube-radicalizing work with the diligence of a really well-prepared public school teacher, doesn’t he? Slow, steady indoctrination, beamed into millions of American homes nightly, by Rupert Murdoch. What a giver, that Rupert.

Missouri Governor Mike Parson took a break from leading the coronavirus’ guided tour of his constituents’ lungs to pardon gun waving maniacs Mark and Patricia McCloskey, because laws aren’t for white people, silly Rabbit, certainly not rich, conservative ones, and you’re never getting any fucking Trix either. Trix and justice are permanently off the menu, hoss…come to think of it, you don’t look like you’re from around here, Rabbit, you got any ID on ya?

Oh hey, here’s a real weird one for you.

Seriously, I know we’ve seen some profoundly bizarre shit together, but I honestly don’t know if y’all will believe this.

Because it’s about an elected Republican not only seeking to alter public health policy in response to increasingly drastic conditions, but actually expressing regret for past mistakes. Arkansas Governor Asa Hutchinson must be some kind of cuck, willing to admit error like that, especially for sissy reasons like “keeping the residents of his state alive.” You’re no Dinesh D’Souza, Asa.

Y’know, if President Biden had simply taken a leisurely Ric Flair strut around the White House lawn over the latest phenomenal jobs report, he’d have been justified, but instead, Smilin’ Joe, clad in the fabled tan suit from which all Democratic Presidents draw their power, used the spotlight generated by all that good news to once again highlight the challenges presented by the Delta variant surge. And he somehow managed to do so without promoting hydroxychloroquine, bleach enemas, or even sheep drench.

Well, we’re heading into the home stretch for the Kickstarter for my latest comic book, Marguerite vs. the Occupation, so if you don’t act soon, you’ll miss out on all the Nazi-smashing fun. Reviews have been great, (check ‘em out on my Twitter timeline, I’m @CapShower) and I’m starting to think we’ve got something really special on our hands.

Like my previous comics, this one is a love letter to the folks who say FUCK NO to fascism. Check out more of our mega-talented art team’s work here http://showercapblog.com/marguerite-vs-the-occupation/

And back the Kickstarter here: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/worthcost/marguerite-vs-the-occupation

Anyway, the campaign must end on August 19th, so get in on this, before all your Resister friends point and laugh at your comic-bookless ass.

Fabricated peer pressure aside, keep yourselves safe out there, my friends. We haven’t come this far to succumb to this fuckery now. 

Just Another Super Healthy Week Spent Arguing Whether or Not Science is Real and Mob Violence is Bad

The American Right will not, dear reader, be made to eat their peas. Peas are tyranny. Sure, peas aren’t honestly that bad, and eating just a few peas could save your life, and if everybody just ate their fucking peas for a little while we could, as a nation, finally stop dying in droves and get back to our lives, but BLERG BLARK SHEEPLE YOU’LL PRY THOSE PEAS INTO MY COLD DEAD MOUTH BENGHAZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!! Anyway. I better get on with the blog before I bludgeon this poor metaphor any further.

(Colors? Fancy news links? Get ‘em here: http://showercapblog.com/just-another-super-healthy-week-spent-arguing-whether-or-not-science-is-real-and-mob-violence-is-bad/)

Have you noticed, a few reporters from the ol’ Appalachian diner beat seem to have been reassigned, to finally inquire of those of us who reside in objective reality how we feel about once again sacrificing our standard of living and our safety to the conniptions of the spiteful and misinformed? Turns out, we don’t care for it.

I confess, it’s the petulance that gets under my skin. “MASKS? AGAIN?” they whine, a nation of full-diapered brats in sore need of Wonka-style discipline. They just keep flinging their Legos all over the floor and stomping on them and screaming and blaming us for the pain and I am 31 flavors of over it.

You hear about Lauren Boebert, that cud-brained ball of unfettered hate, childishly flinging an offered mask in a House staffer’s face, and ENOUGH, okay, you have murdered ENOUGH people with your idiocy and your filthy, evil lies. Stop throwing these silly, performative tantrums, just SHUT THE FUCK UP and let the grown-ups finally, FINALLY do what’s necessary to slow the senseless loss of life.

These fits about masks…how the fuck are you still on this shit, you crazy, stupid, sheepfucking asshats? These theories y’all have, about masks and Covid and whether to trust doctors or game show hosts on such matters…they’re not holding up too terrifically well, have you noticed that? You could almost say they’ve been disproven every single goddamn day for a year and half. By the ever-growing mound of body bags. You fucks.

And still we have Republican Governors, like those devout death cult archbishops, Greg Abbott and Ron DeSantis, actually issuing orders to make it harder, or even impossible, for local governments to fight the virus’ spread, (special racist carve-out, of course, for xxxtra Nazi pointz) demanding, with the full force of their offices, that Covid’s extra-contagious new variant be allowed to spread unhindered throughout the populace. To deny the reaper a single victim is a crime under the rule of these maliciously insane men.

You are indecent people pursuing indecent goals. There is already so much blood on your hands, Birnam Wood is probably parked on your front fucking lawn right now.

Please stop killing us. You’ve killed SO MANY PEOPLE for such stupid, stupid reasons. Just stop. Please, you fuckheads. PLEASE.

I am sincerely sorry that you’ve given your hearts and your minds over to this sense-annihilating rage; from where I’m sitting, it looks like a tremendously unpleasant way to waste the few precious years we’re allotted on this Earth. But this thing where millions of you refuse to live in the real word, teetering on the brink of violence at all times, and the rest of us just…I dunno, patiently absorb the casualties y’all inflict in your madness? It’s not gonna work out, campers.

The House Freedom Caucus demanded Kevin McCarthy expel Marjorie Taylor Greene from the Republican Conference, over her history of inciting violence and spreading disinformation.

Excuse me, that’s not right. The HFC demanded the Minority Leader expel Matt Gaetz for trafficking minors for sex.

Jeez, no, I don’t know what’s gotten into me tonight, the Freedom Caucus demanded McCarthy expel Paul Gosar for fundraising alongside holocaust-denying white supremacists. As any decent person would.

JUST KIDDING, the rancid wad of warthog sphincters men call the House Freedom Caucus demanded ol’ Keville Chamberlain excommunicate neither criminals nor bigots, but Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger, for the damnable sin of loving their country too much to abandon it to the darkest, ugliest belief system humanity has discovered to date.

“Freedom Caucus.” The advertising firm of Draper & Orwell sure has been busy.

Anyhow. Kinzinger, you see, joined Cheney on the January 6th commission, having taken the apparently partisan stance that Terrorism is Bad and Should Be Opposed. I know there’s an awful lot of huffing and puffing going down on the Sunday shows and editorial pages, but I’d like to think we’re strong and smart and sober and honest enough, you and I, to acknowledge that the one fundamental debate in American politics right now is Nazi Mob or Nah?

As you know, the commission held their first public hearing this week, and…yeah, those are the sides. We all watched the footage. There was a Nazi mob on one side, and the other side was a bunch of cops, battling for their lives, and the lives of the folks the LITERAL NAZI MOB was attempting to, you know, murder.

I’m just saying, this is a fairly low moral/ethical hurdle to clear.

And yet.

Eager to distract, or at least obfuscate, Elise Stefanik, who certainly doesn’t seem to have grown tired of the ten-dollar Joe Goebbels Halloween costume she donned in search of power, sauntered out, with the propagandist’s courage, to tell anyone who’d listen that ACTUALLY Nancy Pelosi Capitol Rioted herself, because one Big Lie deserves another, I suppose, and another, and another, until the camps are open and the world’s on fire. Elise, you greedy nitwit, you do not understand the forces you’re toying with.

Y’know who understands? Mike fucking Flynn understands. When he waves around an AR-15, playfully musing aloud, “Maybe I'll find somebody in Washington, D.C.," he knows full well he is dispensing another dose of a constantly-reinforced message, that violence against political opponents is perfectly justifiable. Stochastic terrorism 101. Just sit back and wait for the next incel to snap.

And then we had to watch the Fascistic Four, Gaetz, Gosar, Gohmert, and Greene, shamelessly attempt to drum up sympathy for the goddamn terrorists. Painting them as political prisoners, held in appalling conditions, at the very same time America watched them try to beat cops to death with whatever they could get their hands on. Sitting U.S. Congressmen, brazenly siding with Brownshirt thugs, against their own country and Constitution, against the very law enforcement officers who sustained injuries and trauma protecting their ungrateful asses. In the clear light of day. In case you’re wondering about how that pile of marble puke suddenly appeared at the foot of the Lincoln Memorial.

Good news is, the burgeoning Fifth Column Caucus is still puny enough to chase away with a single whistle. Let’s keep it that way, huh?

Speaking of congressional traitors, Alabama’s Mo Brooks confessed he was wearing body armor while addressing that famous gathering of Normal Tourist Visitors™️ back on a certain January Wednesday, totally ordinary attire for non-violence-inciting speeches like the one Mo delivered to the crowd that would shortly attempt to lynch the Vice President of the United States. Odd that Brooks’ gambit, to force the Justice Department to defend his treachery, at taxpayer expense, failed so quickly, isn’t it? May this be merely the first of many setbacks, you detestable shitpile.

Oh, and it turns out Gym Jordan, who tried so desperately to force his subpar self onto the commission, hoping to drag the proceedings down to his own clown-passed-out-in-a-truck-stop-outhouse level, couldn’t have served on the committee anyway, on account of the time he’ll need to spend in the witness chair, having enjoyed, by his own grudging admission, a little chitchat with a certain recently-defeated Mussolini knockoff, on the above-mentioned Wednesday in January. Whoopsie.

Incidentally, while the Children of the Candy Corn spread disease throughout the land and work like hell to eliminate the right to vote, they’ve also decided, as a culture, to boo, berate, and otherwise shit upon the nation’s Olympic athletes, ‘specially the Black ones, but don’t you dare call them racist, you cancel culture ruffians, anyway, back to valorizing the white supremacist terrorists and mocking the heroes who kept them from their nefarious goals.

Congratulate Clay Higgins, the first Republican Congresscreep to catch Covid…twice. What’s that? “Was a second bout with a potentially lethal virus enough to get our boy Clay to back off the racist conspiracy theories n’ disinformation n’ whatnot?” Oh, my sweet summer child.

If you don’t mind me snapping that last fraying thread your sanity barely clings to, all this lunacy, this atrocity, this brain-melting fuckery, has been perpetrated in the name of fealty to Donald J. Trump, the “J” stands for “My endorsement can’t even carry a comically-low-turnout Republican primary in Texas anymore, but keep on tithing, rubes.” 18,279 votes, out of a total of 39,116. That’s all the power the Dotard in Decline is capable of actually manifesting in the world these days.

Further demonstrating the retail political mastery that delivered both of Georgia’s Senate seats, all sixteen of their electoral votes, and a tasteful gift basket of soaps and lotions to the opposing party, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot took to his vastly diminished platform to once again attack members of his own team, this time for backing the astronomically popular bipartisan infrastructure bill. His effort will once again prove impotent and ineffectual, and yet Republican deference will remain undiminished. They are a submissive people.

Hey look! Still more proof Tangerine Idi Amin illegally pressured federal officials to join Operation: Make America Trump’s Forever! Remember back when the lame duck President neglected a raging pandemic in order to focus on overthrowing the government-in-transition and seizing power forever? Those were just the goddamn wonder years, weren’t they?

Oh, also, the Department of Justice ordered Treasury to finally turn Wee Donnie One-Term’s tax returns over to the House Ways and Means Committee, but I doubt a career criminal’s most ferociously guarded secrets will ultimately yield anything significant. Certainly not a six-figure annual piss hooker budget.

The MyPillow Guy appears to be breaking up with Fox News, because he believes single-handedly funding Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour ought to grant him Big Lie-spreading privileges, and doesn’t it absolutely suck that this is how the world works? That a deranged dolt like Mike Lindell has been granted so much influence over the information consumed as “news” in this country? I wanna talk to the manager, dammit.

Say, if all this foolishness has left you in a fascist-smashing mood, have I got a comic book for you! Marguerite vs. the Occupation, written by your humble masked blogger, (in his mild-mannered alter ego, admittedly) tells the story of a young woman joining up with the French Resistance to get the goddamn Nazis out of her house. Resistance comics for a Resistance audience, that’s what we’re doin’ here. You will dig this shit, I promise. Read more about it here.

I want to thank everyone who’s already backed the Kickstarter, I wouldn’t be able to do this stuff without you. Anyhow, if you’re on the fence, now’s a great time to take the plunge; we’ve added some stretch goals, because we’ve got ourselves a real pretty book here, and we’d like to give it the presentation it deserves. We’re live until August 19th.

Either way, stay safe out there, friends. Don’t let the Delta variant getcha. Or any howling mobs of unimpressive white people, either. Just…look both ways before crossing the street, is what I’m saying…we live in interesting times.

Et Tu, Brady? (Ferret? Ferret.)

Spent another lovely week enjoying the various side effects of the coronavirus vaccine, stuff like “not catching Covid,” “not getting hospitalized with Covid,” and “not dying from Covid.” Like millions of rational people, my satisfaction level with this product is off the dang charts, and in a sane society, that reaction would be nigh universal, but regrettably, I dwell within the all-the-Delta-variant-can-eat buffet that’s made Tucker Carlson the most-watched man on cable: the United States of America.

(News links and other fanciness here: http://showercapblog.com/et-tu-brady/)

Texas Senate Republicans figured they’d finally wailed and whimpered about the alleged evils of “critical race theory” long enough to justify a thorough bleaching of the history textbooks, removing mandates to teach stuff like women’s suffrage and Martin Luther King Jr, and also bits that refer to slavery and the KKK as “morally wrong,” in case this was too subtle for anybody.

Longtime liberals will recognize this as the Voter Fraud Maneuver, wherein Republicans throw unceasing shitfits about a problem which stubbornly refuses to actually exist, and then, in the name of “solving” it, enshrine white supremacy ever further in the law.  And yes, this is the same state legislature working even now to pass a massive, Thanks Ever So Much For Establishing the Precise Parameters of Plausible Deniability, Chief Justice Roberts minority disenfranchisement law. All this legislation was drafted using George Orwell’s vomit for ink, by the way.

As expected, Kevin McCarthy tried to fill the January 6th commission with poo-flinging howler monkeys, only Nancy Pelosi said “yeah, we’re not doin’ that, hoss,” and so Kev threw a little tantrum, yanked his entire trollwad from the commission altogether, and sprinted out to bitch n’ moan about “partisanship” for the cameras, as the dutiful drones in the both-sides-drunk media Cillizzasphere did that stenography that they do so well. Well, not “well,” but certainly “reliably.”

Y’know, here in the fever swamps of 2021, perhaps bipartisanship genuinely does mean that any bipartisan investigation of this act of terrorism must include those who excuse, enable, and even support the insurrectionist mob, but wouldn’t it therefore follow that one of the parties in question has been TAKING OVER BY FUCKING TERRORISTS? And in that scenario, where, precisely, is the virtue in “bipartisanship?” Walk me through it. Use small words.

Now Keville Chamberlain says his gaggle of fifth columnists will conduct their own investigation, perhaps into that time Pelosi called Hillary Clinton up, seeking advice on how best to give the National Guard a stand down order, who knows, I’m just asking questions here. By “investigation” they mean, “televised event where Gym Jordan shrieks about antifa to generate clips for Fox News’ white supremacist opinion hosts,” of course. Kinda like how a police officer is a “bobby” in England, y’know?

Anyway, we surely do need to figure out how we found our way to January 6th, 2021 in the first place, and how to avoid unwanted return trips, cuz it turns out that human shower drain clog actually got within 100 feet of Vice President Pants’ backup nuclear football, and people who can be prodded to violence by the lies of an obviously insane bedding merchant simply should not enjoy that kind of access.

Tom Barrack got arrested for operating illegally as an unregistered agent of a foreign power, and at some point, the nation’s evangelical “Christians” will explain to the rest of us why the object of their adulation surrounds himself exclusively with felons and traitors. Surely. Any day now. Two weeks. (Maybe we should also ask ‘em to clarify just how these “populists” manage to scrounge up $250 million in bail money on a moment’s notice.)

How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless quarterback! Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s failed, cringe-a-minute, lifelong quest to score an invite to the cool kids’ table suffered yet another devastating taint punt this week, as his long-courted man-crush, Tom Brady, not only finally accepted a White House invitation, (now that the overcooked steak fart smell has finally begun to fade) but joined Smilin’ Joe Biden in a double-team worthy of Hawk and Animal. Tee hee.

Rand Paul is the very best in the world at what he does, and what he does is lose fights to Dr. Anthony Fauci, on television, in the most humiliating fashion imaginable. For the record, Rand’s theatrically indignant spewing of bullshit conspiracy theories is precisely the sort of thing Pelosi is so correct to keep off the January 6th commission.

Aspiring concentration camp commandant Madison Cawthorn vowed to prosecute Fauci should his gang of fashy mediocrities retake the House next year, to “make sure that consequences are doled out” for valuing the American public’s health over the lies of an erroneously promoted game show host. “On what charges?” one may ask, as though the Lock Her Up crowd would concern themselves with such trivialities upon regaining power.

The Senate’s most punchable fake doctor and Kid Hitler Vacay aside, it would appear some in the GOP finally noticed their beloved Culture War got stuck on the “mass suicide” setting, prompting an organized, top-down effort to finally encourage their death cult base to take some of the simple steps necessary to get the goddamn pandemic under control, something the first 600,000 or so American corpses failed to inspire. Because until lately, the graveyards swelled in a largely bipartisan manner, you see.

Ron DeSantis even interrupted his ongoing victory lap (likely because he kept tripping over hospitalized constituents, seeing as how the state he governs leads the country in Covid cases, accounting for as many as one in five new infections nationwide) to suggest that vaccine avoidance is not, in fact, the lib-owning panacea it once appeared to be.

Mike Parson’s Missouri and Greg Abbott’s Texas have the honor of hosting similarly senseless outbreaks, because the official public health policy of the Republican Party has been, for a year and a half now, to actively facilitate the coronavirus’ spread through the populace. Lost in the raw madness of that is the simple fact that we HAVE A FUCKING SOLUTION for this problem and that it works really fucking well, meaning nearly every one of these new deaths is completely preventable.

While we should neither forget nor forgive all the months of murderous lies, I certainly wish Republicans luck in their reverse brainwashing efforts. They’ll need it. I mean, look at this guy. Really fucking LOOK at him. A tube for every orifice, still howling about his precious freedumb. You broke these fucking people. You set out to break them and now that they’re broken, you can’t figure out how to get them to process reality well enough to even preserve their own fucking lives. Nice work.

Well, at least Marjorie Taylor Greene still finds all this suffering and death humorous. The very week Covid kills a 5-year-old child in her district, the ghoul can’t help but giggle while continuing to spread the vile disinformation that’s already claimed so many lives. But it’s Liz Cheney who isn’t welcome in your party’s tent? Got it.

Hey, remember back during the Kavanaughty confirmation hearings, when the FBI rushed through their investigation of young Brettward’s raft of sexual misconduct allegations in record time, seemingly between the nominee’s heaving proclamations of affection for alcoholic beverages? Well, turns out the secret behind their stunning proficiency was Not Actually Investigating Shit. No big deal, not like we were vetting somebody for a lifetime appointment to a position of awesome political power or anything.

I see the would-be theocrats who’ve driven Mississippi into the bottom five of Everything But Meth Labs have decided the time is ripe to steal some rights from all those uppity broads who imagine they live in a modern society; state Attorney General Lynn Fitch officially took the plunge and asked the 6-3 wingnut Supreme Court to overturn Roe v. Wade. Makes sense. When you land Gorsuch and Kavanaugh on the flop, then the turn brings Anti Choicey Barrett, you push your chips into the pot. Buckle up.

Nothin’ conjures regressive meltdowns quite like the formal replacement of a racially insensitive sports team mascot, and I’m certainly looking forward to all the forthcoming rants in the Who’s the Racistest of Them All pageant that is the Ohio Republican Senate primary. (The swimsuit competition has been abandoned this year, in favor of a procession of hooded robe ensembles.)

You probably heard already, but the Kickstarter for my next comic book, Marguerite vs. the Occupation, is now LIVE, and running through August 19th. For everybody who’s already backed the project, I thank you from the bottom of my drunken, angry heart; the folks who’ve followed this blog these last four years are the entire reason I’ve finally got the confidence to pursue this lifelong dream. No way I can pay y’all back for that, but I’ve tried to make a story you’ll enjoy. I certainly wrote it with you in mind.

So learn more about it here, and if you are sufficiently impressed (and who wouldn’t be, by the awesome work of our art team: Kasey Quevedo, Laurel Dundee, and Toben Racicot?) give a thought to backing our campaign. Special rewards tiers just for Shower Cap fans, by the way.

PS, if anybody out there was thinking, “Hey, maybe I should come at Joe Biden,” don’t. Just don’t. 

Oh, Y'know, Just a Death Cult Doin' Death Cult Stuff (Ferretastic)

Well friends, things’re more or less exactly the same as when last we met, which is to say, grease-fire-in-the-bath-salts-factory-behind-the-clown-college-level insane. So grab a raincoat and some galoshes, let’s wade through this sewage together, wheeeeeeee!

(Get this one with all dem news links here: http://showercapblog.com/oh-yknow-just-a-death-cult-doin-death-cult-stuff/)

As a lifelong consumer of genre fiction, I really should be able to process this shit. I’m willing to accept pretty much any given circumstances you drop in my lap. The Coyote paints a tunnel on the wall, the Roadrunner can go through the tunnel, but the Coyote runs face first into unforgiving stone? Makes perfect sense. Gerald Ford gets kidnapped and sent to work in the malaise mines of an alien world ruled by vampiric cantaloupes? Got it. I’m in. Let’s go.   

I’m an old pro at suspending disbelief, is what I’m saying. But the objective, real-life status quo in the United States of America right now…I’m sorry, I simply do not buy it. We finally find a vaccine for the lethal virus that upended every life on the planet for more than a year, but millions of people won’t take the fucking thing because they’ve invested their entire cultural identity in refusing to eat their peas, even when said peas are the only thing standing between them and a painful, lonely death? It’s just not believable.

How do people become this crazy? We could probably gain some insight by investigating the dipshit hydra they look to for leadership. Won’t be pleasant, but let’s do it anyway.

So, at CPAC last weekend, Kristi Noem, whose extremely thirsty play for Trump Cult high priesthood will hopefully remain as comically futile as it is presently, tried to score points on current MAGA golden boy Ron DeSantis, by boasting to the crowd that her coronavirus butcher’s bill was among the longest in the land; since rather than listening to science and taking simple steps to protect her constituents’ lives, she turned South Dakota into the pandemic’s personal playpen.

The same maniac tent revival saw Lauren Boebert stumble around like a zombie that just ate an entire meth den, desperate to frame the life-saving miracle of science that is the coronavirus vaccine as some sort of unwelcome government handout. And somehow, with 600,000 bodies already in the ground, there are still people taking medical advice from this shrieking dolt, while flinging themselves into Pavlovian rage fits at the mere mention of the name “Fauci.”

Further straining the real world’s credibility, DeSantis is actually selling anti-Fauci MERCH, smack dab in the middle of his state’s latest deadly covid surge. The 2024 Republican presidential contenders will not be out-mass-slaughtered, it would seem.

Over at Newsmax, they’ve got hosts openly musing that maybe the whole idea of vaccination is an unnatural abomination against God, which I guess is the sort of thing you have to expect when your business model relies on out-pandering the competition in search of dominance over the lucrative suicidal zealot demographic.

In Tennessee, Republicans successfully ousted the state’s top vaccination official, putting an end to her diabolical reign of Sound Medical Advice, and, emboldened by their neanderthal triumph over the forces of reason, shut down ALL adolescent vaccine outreach, because…fuck, I don’t know, because they’re all in Big Mortician’s pocket? You may observe that it makes no fucking sense to pursue policies that will do nothing but increase disease and death, but this is a legitimately hip trend in conservative politics these days.

Anyway, for any Tennessee parents who may be reading, don’t forget to inject polio directly into your kids’ eyeball before the fall term starts; it’s mandatory for in-person learning now.

What I truly cannot wrap my weary mind around is, like, we know that nearly everybody who’s getting sick and dying right now is unvaccinated, and we also know that the unvaccinated population is rather disproportionately comprised of members of this particular…shall we say, “subculture.”

And I’ve even internalized that it’s so important to y’all to “own the libs” that you’ll accept a pretty damn significant amount of harm to yourself as the price, but the whole point of being vaccinated is that we’re no longer prisoner to your tantrums. We can go places now. It’s fucking great. Ownage is no longer possible, kids. There’s still a smattering of tragically innocent victims, of course, and fuck you for each and every one of them, but it’s pretty much just y’all getting killed now. The practical effect of all this disinformation has been to feed your audience directly into the queue with the captive bolt pistol at the end.

I just think it’s weird they haven’t figured this out yet. I guess by the time a loyal Tucker Carlson watcher finds his way to the ventilator, he’s too preoccupied to write a sternly-worded complaint to Fox management.

Incidentally, the trailer for the next M. Night Shyamalan movie is just a woman in an elevator that gets stuck, slowly realizing she’s trapped in there with Gary Busey in a Don’t Fauci My Florida t-shirt.

Bumbling Senate Republicans keep right on fiddling with the forces that brought a bloodthirsty horde of hate to their very doorstep, for they are unteachable and blinded by greed.

You see Lindsey Graham’s flaccid pledge to defend Homophobe Chicken Incorporated’s honor, to the death if necessary, and you wanna grab him by the shoulders and shake him, demanding, “Do you want lynch mobs? Because this is how you get lynch mobs.”

Ted Cruz put that Ivy League education to use on a cheap, mega-racist switcheroo act, blaming Texas’ coronavirus surge not on the anti-vaxx propagandists who actually caused it, but on, you guessed it: illegal immigrants. Create problems with your own incompetence, blame ‘em on an otherized, indeed dehumanized minority group; you’ve mastered the Nazi playbook, Ted, congratulations. You’re like Luke Skywalker, only with a shitty beard and also evil.

Disgraced South Dakota Attorney General Jason Ravnsborg made a huge bet that there’s absolutely zero chance that karma is real, accusing the very deer, excuse me, the very human being he killed in a hit and run of Suicidally Leaping in Front of His Vehicle, Actually…I dunno, I’ve never faced criminal charges, is there some specific level of brazen indecency that triggers automatic dismissal?

You know that skeevy fuck won’t even resign? Ravnsborg, Gaetz, Taylor Greene, Gosar, Hawley…all Republicans in good standing, but Jason Roe, the Michigan party official who refused to bend the knee to the Emperor of Hemorrhoids and his Big Honkin’ Lie, submitted to ritual excommunication, because honesty is heresy, you see.

Indicted Uber-Lackey Allen Weisselberg has resigned from his many posts within the Turdmaggot Organization, to spend more time with his delusions that his old boss will prove loyal. Don Jr. has allegedly taken over many of Weisselberg’s roles, which’ll be fine, he probably didn’t have any duties that couldn’t be carried out while snorting a trowelful of cocaine hourly.

You know you live in a sane, healthy democracy when you see “Reichstag” trending, and wonder somewhat irritably to yourself, “what, again?” Anyway, it turned out to be in reference to this story about the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs kinda sorta working out a plan to oppose an anticipated coup by the defeated incumbent, oh boy I bet that one’s not in the manual, huh, General Milley? I’m not sure how much I love feeling immense gratitude towards the perhaps too powerful men who cleared the relatively low ethical bar of “refused to facilitate the attempted overthrow of the United States Government by a known idiot,” but I also never anticipated liking so many of Bill Kristol’s tweets.

I’ll admit Ashli Babbitt’s MAGA martyr makeover has been a fascinating bit of world-building; watching the narrative take shape under the malevolently dexterous hands of this docile flock’s many sinister shepherds would be super fun on HBOMAX; here in real life, it’s a little bit more, oh, what’s the word…terrifying?

For example, it was recently decided, with Cult45’s customary complete lack of evidence of any sort, that the officer who shot Babbitt, whose name is being kept secret for obvious reasons coughcoughstochasticterrorism, is a Black man, o what a strange coincidence for this target of a white supremacist rage mob’s homicidal wrath. We’re just cut-and-pasting from the MAGA Scout’s Lynching Handbook at this point, aren’t we?

ANYWAY, Hairplug Himmler added his own nasty spin, fabricating a claim that the officer was, in fact, “head of security” for some nameless Democrat, and what a vicious little ad-lib that is. If you’ll pardon the improv term, that’s some restaurant quality Yes And. “Yeah, some Black guy who worked for….I dunno, maybe Pelosi, maybe Durbin, say, maybe YOUR Congressman…y’know what, you should pay that guy a little visit…”

He truly possesses a dark genius for inciting violent hate. Failed at everything he ever tried, from real estate to pants, but he turned out to have genuine talent in the field of Being American Hitler; shitty bit of luck that such a pitch-black soul landed in a billionaire’s kid, don’tcha think?

With his “some of the stars I produced are actually made of garbage” statement, the Velveeta Vulgarian wandered perilously close to self-awareness, for perhaps the first time in his misspent life. You’d think somebody who spends so much time with the likes of Steve Bannon, Stephen Miller, and Seb Gorka would’ve stumbled across the phrase quite a while back.

The tag certainly fits Matt Gaetz, who apparently hired Jeffrey Epstein’s lawyer to help him out with the sex-trafficking allegations he faces, and boy howdy, this is a rough sentence to discover your name in the middle of, huh, Matthew? How’s life in the last act of GoodFellas, kid?

In contrast to this buffet overflowing with malice, madness, and poop, Democrats celebrated the arrival, in mailboxes across the nation, of their new Child Tax Credit, because we’re the ones that help people instead of giving them diseases. Not that such a joyous occasion stopped Dems from working on their $3.5 trillion reconciliation bill, set to become one of the most consequential pieces of legislation in American history.

So the choice facing the electorate is between the crazed cultists demanding the right to die and kill, and the folks handing out money and vaccines. One must grudgingly confess one understands why voter suppression has become so important to these people.

Ok, that’s enough for one week. I gotta pitch the comic book one more time, cuz the Kickstarter launches THIS COMING TUESDAY. Marguerite vs. the Occupation is a nifty little tale of the French Resistance, I think you’ll really enjoy it. Read more about it here, and I’d be honored n’ thankful if you’d sign up on our prelaunch page.

For longtime fans of the blog, I’m offering a reward tier where YOU pick the entries in an all-new, post-Turd Reich ROGUE’S GALLERY on showercapblog.com! Check out the Bannon, Miller, & Gorka links above for examples. You want to see treacherous Congressdopes like Kevin McCarthy? Mendacious media monsters like Sean Hannity? Or regional culture warlords like DeSantis and Noem? You decide! Each entry will contain a graphic and essay in the Shower Cap house style! Tell Mom to buy ya ten! 
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