WASHINGTON (Spurious News Network) - The holiday of Thanksgiving is filled with many time-honored traditions, including parades, football, a grand dinner, and more football.
One of the most loved traditions is the unveiling of the National Thanksgiving Turkey. At a small ceremony in the White House Rose Garden, most presidents grant one or two symbolic turkeys a full pardon from being cooked and eaten, instead allowing them to live out their days at a petting zoo.
These turkeys always have a name, and it's usually inspirational. The 2024 National Thanksgiving Turkey's name will be no different.
"The 2024 National Thanksgiving Turkey will be named Donald Trump," said White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "That's because only one turkey named Donald Trump can legally be pardoned, and we're making sure it's not the one who tried to overthrow the country."
This isn't completely up to date - the information for Taylor Johnatakis, the sovereign citizen just found guilty of lots of things, was last updated August 6, 2021. It's still pretty interesting.
FM: About 200 million loyal Americans
TO: David Tepper, Owner of the Carolina Panthers
SUBJ: Have we got a deal for you!
DTG: Right Now!
Dear Mr. Tepper:
I can show you, right now, how to save both your beloved country and your beloved football team with one stroke of a pen.
Interested? I knew you would be.
Your Panthers have played the first nine games of their season and well, to say the Panthers suck is an understatement. Sir, the stadium walls bow in when your team takes the field, they suck so bad. And you know this.
Wanna know how to fix it? Read on.
Tommy Tuberville was a reasonably good college football coach if well, you can find it in your heart to forget he went non-Bowl-eligible for the first time in the history of Bowl seeding and lost to Alabama in a 36-0 shutout back in 2008. Today hes the Ron Rivera of senators. Thanks to Senator Tuberville the Army has about three generals left because hes blocked any new ones from coming aboard.
Heres where you come in. You hire Tommy Tuberville to coach the Panthers, effective now. Governor Kay Ivey replaces him with a random name out of the Talladega phone book. You start winning football games. The Army gets new generals. Itll be a win for both of us.
Thanks in advance.
In the Will Ferrell movie "Talladega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby," Ricky lived in a mansion in the Lake Norman area of Charlotte, NC. An iconic scene in the film was where Ricky said grace over a family meal that looks like something Donald Trump would do, in front of a huge fireplace.
On October 30, Kevin Harvick (60 NASCAR Cup wins, the 2014 Cup championship) and his wife DeLana closed on this home. The previous owner had renovated most of the home...except for the room where the fireplace is.
FM: Jeffrey Zients, White House Chief of Staff
TO: Mike Johnson, Speaker of the US House of Representatives
Steve Scalise, House Majority Leader
SUBJ: Possible Impeachment of President Joe Biden
1. President Biden is currently the front-runner for the Democratic 2024 presidential nomination.
2. Under the theory promulgated by the Republican National Committee and many prominent conservative media personalities the front-runner for his or her party's presidential nomination is immune from investigation and prosecution or impeachment for any offense.
3. Therefore, we demand that all investigations into President Biden's business affairs and presidency cease immediately.
Paul G. Allen bought the old Cinerama Theater in Seattle, one of the two cinemas in the world that can screen three-strip Cinerama films, in the 1990s. (Cinerama was an early widescreen process that was...well, a total pain in the ass to both make movies in and to present in a theater. It was shot with three cameras sitting side-by-side, and projected from three projectors onto a bowl-shaped screen.) After Mr. Allen died his beloved theater was closed.
The Seattle International Film Festival bought the theater recently, and will reopen it on December 14 as "SIFF Cinema Downtown" with a screening of the new movie "Wonka." SIFF says this is a temporary name and the public will be involved in choosing its permanent name. A lot of the money they used to buy it from the Paul G. Allen Foundation was obtained from the Paul G. Allen Estate...don't ask.
SIFF says the biggest part of doing this was renovating equipment that hadn't run for three years. The building didn't need much more than a good cleaning and covering up any instance of the Cinerama brand, which they didn't get when they bought it.
And yes, they will have chocolate popcorn at the concession stand.
There's an old Army expression: total goat screw.
If you want to know what one looks like...
Here's the deal: The Army is supposed to have about 10,000 recruiters. The Army hasn't met recruiting goals for a couple years now, and they recently found one reason why - they are actually short 800 recruiters.
To correct the problem, today the Army sent an email to 400 sergeants: you are to report to the Army Recruiting School at Fort Knox, KY, with start date of 6 November 2023. Another 400 start on 4 December 2023. If they pulled 400 single soldiers living in the barracks at Fort Hood - I'm not using the new name out of the respect for the fine general who they defiled by naming that shithole after him - those guys would be ecstatic. But they're pulling married troops, and this is gonna be a huge issue. Moving a married soldier is about an order of magnitude harder than moving a single soldier; moving a married soldier in a week adds a whole new level of complexity we've never seen before - ESPECIALLY since a lot of recruiters are stationed nowhere near a military base.
I suspect this will backfire: how in the heck do they expect these soldiers who got these messages are not going to tell their prospects what the Army did to them?
The Major General Slot You Don't Know About is Chief of Chaplains of the United States Army. He does pretty much what it says on the can: he is the "supervisor" - chaplains can't be commanders, it's the rule - of every chaplain in the Army.
The last Chief of Chaplains was Chaplain (Major General) Thomas J. Solhjem, an Assemblies of God minister who was the first of his denomination to hold this exalted post. Chaplain Solhjem retired on June 20, 2023...right in the middle of Tommy Tuberville's Reign of Terror. Since then his deputy, Chaplain (Brigadier General) William Green Jr., has been the Acting Chief. Chaplain Green is a National Baptist minister, and the second one of his faith to be the top guy. (National Baptist Convention is the biggest Black Baptist denomination.)
The Navy and Air Force are, so far, safe in their chaplaincies: the Air Force Chief of Chaplains, Major General Randall Kitchens, was installed in 2021 and the Navy Chief of Chaplains, Rear Admiral Gregory Todd, was installed in 2022.
A few of the local Rs are symbolizing their party affiliation with a snarling lion rather than the usual elephant. I know someone did a painting of Trump riding a lion that winds up on t-shirts; does this just mean the user is a Trumpist?
According to the Coeur d'Alene Press, Eric L. Heartburg, 63, of Post Falls, ID, was sentenced to 71 months in federal prison for failing to register as a sex offender and for possession of a stolen firearm.
"So...why federal prison?" Heartburg was convicted of first-degree child molestation in Spokane County, WA (Spokane County is on the Idaho border) in 1992. In 2020, the cops claim he "absconded" from sex offender registration. In early 2023 he moved to Idaho and failed to register in this state. Because the crime involves crossing a state line, it's federal.
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