Breaking: Trump Plans to Dismiss Entire Paid Staff

[MineralMan]

According to sources familiar with the matter {a very useful journalistic phrase, BTW}, President Donald J. Trump is throwing a shit fit at everyone on his staff these days. First John Kelly gives out Fake News about stuff and Stephen Miller screwed up the whole continuing resolution thing with his fascist advice. And then there are the others, who never stick to the approved story. And when The Donald has a shit fit, heads are bound to roll.

One source, who should know, because he's close to the White House, told us, "Trump's pissed. Bigly! He's gonna fire the whole lot of them. Cabinet members, staff members...EVERYONE. He's going to assign Ivanka and her husband, what's-his-name, to split up the work between themselves." Another source, familiar with what's the matter, informs us that Trump has ironically offered to double Jared's and Ivanka's salaries to compensate for the extra work. (Ed. Note: Jarvanka are not paid, to prevent charges of nepotism.)

John Kelly reportedly told the President that Ivanka and Jared are useless dolts who know nothing. President Trump retorted, "So what? I don't know a damned thing, either, but I know this much: You're fired, and so are all the other idiots in this place. We'll do everything ourselves. Screw you! Screw this shithole White House! And Screw the United States of America! I alone can do this, with Ivanka and Jered beside me. I'll show you! I'll show everyone!"

Kelly told our source - the one familiar with the matter - "I don't know what the fuck is going to happen now. I guess I'll leave. Jebus' Crutch Is a Stick! See ya!"

[member12]

1. The Onion?

[MineralMan]

3. The Onion can only dream...

Lousy pay at that place!

[Eliot Rosewater]

2. This is what deplorables want, total madness and insanity, sick

Onion or not

[Pachamama]

4. Because this is being posted by you Mineralman, I am treating this as a credible source

There is nothing you said that isn't possible or completely possible....

Part II of "The Apprentice Presidency" is already proving to be crazier than the first season in the first year....

[MineralMan]

5. You should treat it as an "Incredible Source."

A "Tremendous Source."

[Pachamama]

7. Bigly Source

[MineralMan]

9. Sad!

[Bucky]

6. It's a dice roll every morning what crazy bullshit he comes up with each morning

Not that they're not all utterly replaceable. But seriously, he's too much a do-nothing to be history's most disastrous president. But he's absolutely the flakiest president in US history.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

8. See, here you have a little problem with your satire. It's too real.

This is 100% believable. It has to be just slightly improbable and this really isn't. In order for it to have that necessary quirk of improbability you might want to say:

Several reliable sources within the West Wing have said that Trump intends to direct Chief of Staff John Kelly to fire all White House personnel except for Hope Hicks. Once that's done Trump will promote Hope Hicks to Chief of Staff while simultaneously demoting Kelly to chief White House groundskeeper, or actually sole groundskeeper since all other White House employees will have been fired. From her vantage point on Mr. Trump's lap Ms. Hicks will thereafter point and laugh at Gen. Kelly as he mows the White House lawn with the sole remaining authorized item of landscape equipment, a vintage 1956 Toro push mower.

[MineralMan]

10. I understand that they're planning to bring an entire herd of goats

in to handle the lawn mowing. That's what I heard from my source, who is familiar with the matter.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

12. That will be convenient.

My sources tell me that there are some in the White House who really like goats.

[MineralMan]

13. They're doing extreme vetting on the goats though,

to make sure they all consent to what will come.

[Pachamama]

11. +1000

So true....

[lpbk2713]

14. There would be no shame in being fired from employment with Trump.

It would be a change for the better.

[MineralMan]

15. Well, it would give them an opportunity to do something useful

with their lives. That's true. I'm going to hate the White House being turned into a boutique, though...

[itcfish]

16. Lord Help Us

John Kelly’s time as President Donald Trump’s chief of staff may be coming to an end.

On Monday, author Gabriel Sherman reported that Ivanka Trump had been put in charge of finding a replacement for Kelly.

“Ivanka is the most worried about it. She’s trying to figure who replaces Kelly,” someone who has spoken with the president’s daughter told Sherman.

According to Sherman, Kelly’s days as Trump’s chief of staff “may finally have gone past the point of no return.”

“He wants to stay longer than Reince [Priebus],” an outside adviser explained to Sherman.


https://www.rawstory.com/2018/01/ivanka-reportedly-takes-charge-firing-trumps-chief-staff-john-kelly-trump-calls-nut-job/

[RandomAccess]

17. I'm sure you won't mind one bit, but

you're about to lose me as a reader.

I don't have all that much time to spend here -- it's not fair to make me spend it on nonsense. Or at least, label it as whatever you want to call it -- nonsense, fun, satire, whatever -- and let me CHOOSE depending on the time I have available.