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Sun Feb 11, 2018, 11:30 PM

Pence Gets Pantsed While Rand Rants and Kelly in Konfounded

When I was a kid, Sunday nights meant curling up with the Simpsons and the X-Files (and Touched by an Angel, because I was dating a Baptist girl), but now I'm stuck wading through the weekend news, hoping nobody started WWIII. Less fun.

(Anyhow. As always, the post is available, with links, on my site: http://showercapblog.com/pence-gets-pantsed-rand-rants-kelly-konfounded/)

We're all just puttering around wondering how a dude credibly accused of domestic violence by two ex-wives (and thus denied a security clearance) was allowed to serve as one of the primary Shart House gatekeepers, literally choosing which information drifts across our Idiot Manchild President's gnat-like attention span as he makes life or death decisions for the entire world.

(One article even noted the Tangelo Tumor had developed a Pavlovian response to Rob Porter, whose presence in the Oval Office often signified a big stack of papers in need of signing, which meant he had to abandon his Bejeweled game no matter how far he'd gotten, and actually WORK for a bit, no fair!)

Reading the #MeToo moment like Malcolm Gladwell on a meth bender, Sharty McFly talked about what a "good job" the serial wife beater did, making sure to wish him well wheresoever his path may take him now that the entire world has seen photographic documentation of his handiwork.

General John Kelly is said to have fought hard to keep this scumfuck in his job, because whatever his shortcomings, Porter was one of the only available staffers with anything resembling the skills or qualifications to actually do his job.

Me, I'm old enough to remember when a President could fill his staff without leaning on violent criminals because, y'know, the best and the brightest actually wanted to work for him.

Thursday's press briefing was delayed numerous times, as Deputy Press Secretary Raj Shah chained himself to some piping in a supply closet, before being forcibly dragged into the press room to regurgitate the embarrassing-even-by-this-clusterfuck-administration's-standards spin on the Porter debacle.

You know you've got a shit sandwich when even Sarah Huckabee Sanders won't go near it.

Let's be honest, here. The official Drumpf Administration position is, "We knew about it, we gave less than one eighth of a fuck about it, but then she posted pictures of her black eye on the internet so we're all going to act shocked, but the truth is not only do we not care that we employed a domestic abuser, we're actually pissed off that you made us fire him."

Fuck, the only reason Kelly still holds the Chief of Staff post is WHO THE FUCK WOULD WANT SUCH A SHIT JOB? The pay is pretty good, but it won't come close to covering the lawyers you'll inevitably need for being a lead accessory to such a massive criminal enterprise. Plus, your desk is right by the Oval, and I'm told you never get used to the reek of well-done steak farts.

Oh, and Porter isn't even the only staffer to resign in the face of domestic violence accusations. This week. Helluva team they've assembled, ain't it?

Hey, speaking of the Best People, I see a prominent Shartboy backer in Kentucky pled guilty to several charges of human trafficking. HUMAN TRAFFICKING, in some cases, of minors. The Roy Moore wing of the Republican Party is larger than we thought.

Speaking of which, it seems Blake Farenthold is skulking around, hoping nobody notices that he hasn't yet paid taxpayers back for that $84,000 sexual harassment settlement. In CongressPerv Farenthold's defense, that would rip a near-fatal hole in his pajama budget.

If you need a little good news, take heart in knowing that Richard Spencer is being sued over his role in the Dickless White Boy Parade in Charlottesville, but he cannot find a lawyer to represent him, because he is a fascist shitbag who nobody likes.

Hey, what's the Vice President been up to? Mikey Hairshirt spends so much time under the radar, you'd think he's some sort of experimental drone and not a hate-filled, pea-brained, faux Christian bigot hoping he can just blend in with the drapes until his boss goes down in flames and he can slide in like a slicker, dumber, Gerald Ford.

Well, Pence got nailed on that particular point, HARD. Journalist Ashley Parker stood right in front of the fucker and asked "Hey, you're the Vice President of the United Fucking States of America, how come you never seem to know shit about shit?" and Mike tried some lame-ass spin but you could see in his eyes that he knew he would never again retrieve his balls, and it was funnier than Ben Stiller's entire career.

And yeah, #2 went to the Olympics and, in protest, refused to stand for the Korean team's entrance, because irony is stone cold dead.

So I guess the government shut down for an hour or two because Rand Paul figured it'd been way too long since one of his patented Masturbatory Shoutfests? Oh, Rand. You're surely the last to adjust to the speed of the modern news cycle. Three days later, literally no one cares. Even I almost forget to write this paragraph in my stupid little poop joke blog.

Anyway. Yes, the Winter Olympics are here, a time to celebrate the international spirit of camaraderie and competition, primarily via the medium of doctoring curling videos to insert cats. Or, if you happen to be a high-ranking Fux Nooz honcho, it's a chance to indulge in some holy-shit-that's-racist-even-for-you-bastards thinkpiecery about the injustice that non-white and LGBT athletes are allowed to represent America instead of toiling in forced labor camps or something.

Steve Bannon crawled out of the gin still he's been sleeping in since Breitbart canned him juuuuust long to express his existential terror that "the Womenfolk are coming to destroy the Patriarchy and there simply won't be enough shirts to wear to serve as armor thick enough to protect me from their wrath and holy shit I'm gonna wind up hanging upside down in a gas station, aren't I?"

The stock market experienced another 1,000-point drop Thursday, even after the Poo Mistake shot the mightiest arrow in his quiver...yelling at it in a Tweet.

Odd that the great dealmaker's tantrum didn't do the trick...I'm starting to wonder if maybe the dude who inherited daddy's money, went through multiple bankruptcies, established himself as so untrustworthy that no one would lend him money or go into business with him, and wound up laundering Russian oligarch dough in a last desperate bid to dig himself out of ruin maybe doesn't know as much about the economy as he wants us to think.

Nothing, not even a third scoop of ice cream, makes our President happier than when an undocumented immigrant commits a crime. Back in November, the Candycorn Skidmark used a Border Patrol Agent's death to engage in a hearty round of the racist fear-mongering he so enjoys. And the entire GOP giddily followed his lead.

Well, it turns out in the Agent in question wasn't murdered at all, by an immigrant or anyone else. Looks like the poor guy was just injured in a fall. Upon learning this, the President, Ted Cruz, and Fox News all issued prompt retractions, complete with soul-searching apologies at having so thoughtlessly stoked the tragic fires of racial hatred without waiting for the facts to come in.

Just kidding, they're all currently engaged in a scheme to hold DREAMers hostage to their Klansman's Wet Dream immigration bill, and they wouldn't want to correct any misinformation that riles up their shitty base, certainly not in an election year!

So I guess that Omarosa lady, the Former White House Director of...Being That Omarosa Lady, Or Something went directly onto a reality TV show upon leaving the highest echelons of executive branch power, because that's just how life is now.

Anyway, on "Celebrity Big Brother," (Ssssssssssssssssigh) she rocked America, and indeed the world, by revealing her insider's account of life in the Drumpf White House as "so bad." And then the deputy press secretary said it was the fourth time "we" fired her because the President views his administration as a continuation of his reality show and if that doesn't have you shrieking in terror, I don't know what will because that is some FUCKED UP SHIT right there.

The Washington Post reports the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits doesn't read the daily intelligence briefing that Americans literally risk their lives for, day in and day out, because reading is boring and hard and, let's be honest, because HE DOESN'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK WHETHER ANY OF US LIVE OR DIE.

Seriously, this sad, needy, broken old man is only in this thing for grift and the periodic applause of his dwindling army of Hateyokels. The security of the United States of America and her citizens? "You handle that, Mad Dog, I haven't golfed in like, three whole days."

Rachel Brand, the 3rd-ranking official at the Department of Justice, will be stepping down from her post, the kind of job people work a lifetime to attain, after just nine months. Rather than hanging around waiting for the Velveeta Vulgarian to fire Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein, thus relocating her life to the geographic center of a constitutional crisis, she will be taking a job with Wal-Mart.

My sources tell me that during interview, Brand offered to serve as "a fucking door greeter in Boise, just get me the fuck out of here!"

As expected, the Man With Phalangeal Stunting blocked the release of Adam Schiff's "Jesus Fuck, Are You Kidding Me, Devin?" counter-memo, because like all bullies, he is a coward at heart.

...also because what passes for his "master plan" is destroying the public's trust in law enforcement so that when the bill for his life of crime finally comes due, the racist old ladies in the Bible Belt who get their news from Alex Jones and chain e-mails will rise up as one and break his corrupt ass out of federal prison.

Hey, I didn't say it was a GOOD master plan.

Virginia Senator/Affable Dad Tim Kaine "is demanding the release of a secret memo outlining President Donald Trump’s interpretation of his legal authority to wage war," and HOLY SHIT THERE'S A SECRET DRUMPF WAR MEMO? HOW MANY FUCKING MEMOS ARE THERE? WHY ARE WE RUNNING THE GOVERNMENT VIA A HANDFUL OF MALICIOUS ASSHOLES SCRIBBLING DOWN MEMOS, PROBABLY IN CRAYON? WE'RE ALL GONNA FUCKING DIE.

And now Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes has his own personal fake news outlet? Fucking of course he does. He probably prints out a weekly newsletter, on his mom's computer, with headlines like "Nunes scores the winning touchdown! Again!" and slips copies under all his colleagues' doors.

Oh, and he wants to Build a Wall (trademark, the Drumpf Organization!) in the House Intelligence Committee's secure areas, because he doesn't want any dirty Democrats copying off his memos in the future.

...Devin isn't going to do so well in jail, I fear.

Aaaaaaaand Il Douche is looking at privatizing the International Space Station? Has somebody explained to him that this isn't his personal property, and that he won't be able to slap his shitty name on it in big gold letters and rent it out to oligarchs and porn stars?

I can't handle this shit anymore, friends. It's the motherfucking weekend. I should be blitzed on High Life, halfway through the LANCELOT LINK: SECRET CHIMP marathon on the Gorilla Channel by now. Fuck this shit.

30 replies, 5389 views

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Replies to this discussion thread
Arrow 30 replies Author Time Post
Reply Pence Gets Pantsed While Rand Rants and Kelly in Konfounded (Original post)
TheFerret Feb 2018 OP
Angry Dragon Feb 2018 #1
iamateacher Feb 2018 #2
OhNo-Really Feb 2018 #3
Phoenix61 Feb 2018 #4
Permanut Feb 2018 #5
SunSeeker Feb 2018 #15
OhNo-Really Feb 2018 #19
greatauntoftriplets Feb 2018 #28
cp Feb 2018 #6
dewsgirl Feb 2018 #7
lapfog_1 Feb 2018 #8
dchill Feb 2018 #9
OhNo-Really Feb 2018 #20
murielm99 Feb 2018 #10
Cha Feb 2018 #13
longship Feb 2018 #11
Cha Feb 2018 #12
SunSeeker Feb 2018 #14
tclambert Feb 2018 #16
ProudProgressiveNow Feb 2018 #17
Lugnut Feb 2018 #18
tblue37 Feb 2018 #21
malaise Feb 2018 #22
BSdetect Feb 2018 #23
TrogL Feb 2018 #24
uponit7771 Feb 2018 #25
MaryMagdaline Feb 2018 #26
get the red out Feb 2018 #27
Leghorn21 Feb 2018 #29
Gregory Peccary Feb 2018 #30

Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sun Feb 11, 2018, 11:34 PM

1. KICK

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sun Feb 11, 2018, 11:58 PM

2. Thank you

My sentiments exactly.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 12:11 AM

3. Thank you mighty swordsman!

I was awash in alliteration admiration and.......of course...The fabulously funny Ferret

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

This hopefully short chapter in Ken Burns US history will have to be a Monty Python-like production, imo.

Hard to think straight any more. Maybe it's the flouride.

Your work is greatly appreciated Mr. Ferret

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 12:18 AM

4. Wonderful as always

Anyone who can get me to laugh about the absolute disaster Twitler is turning our government into has my profound respect. Peace.😀

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 12:33 AM

5. Extra credit for "Tangelo Tumor".

Fits right in with "Mango Mussolini". Thanks Ferret.

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Response to Permanut (Reply #5)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 01:59 AM

15. I hope somebody is keeping a list of these!

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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #15)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 03:30 AM

19. I hope TheFerret sends s few off to a publisher

as a Chronicle of Comedic Trump Et Al Tragedy.

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Response to Permanut (Reply #5)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 11:49 AM

28. My favorite is still "marmalade shartcannon".

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 12:38 AM

6. K & R

Favorite writer!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 12:44 AM

7. Thank you, that was hilarious, I loved the government by memo bit.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 01:02 AM

8. as always... i love your rants

intelligent and humorous

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 01:09 AM

9. K&R. for LANCELOT LINK: SECRET CHIMP!

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Response to dchill (Reply #9)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 03:32 AM

20. oooohhhh Lance! Hubby and I used to watch on Sat morning

Trump Not-so-Secret Chump

He has to broadcast his cleverness. Sad!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 01:15 AM

10. K&R, Ferret

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Response to murielm99 (Reply #10)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 01:30 AM

13. Ferret Fans!

Ferret

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 01:16 AM

11. Rzzzz! Yet another wonderful ferret ripped Drumpf's flesh.

Well, it could be close to Zappa. A ferret is sort of a weasel.

Here's Zappa's version.


R&

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 01:29 AM

12. Oh man.. you don't know

much I appreciate you and your blog, Ferret!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 01:57 AM

14. K & R

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 02:00 AM

16. We've seen a parade of Trump staffers leaving the White House. I want to see a parade of them going

to prison.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 02:11 AM

17. K&R nt

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 03:05 AM

18. K&R n/t

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 07:08 AM

21. K&R and thanks! -- Especially for

there simply won't be enough shirts to wear to serve as armor thick enough to protect me from their wrath


and

Hateyokels

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 07:10 AM

22. Nice

Rec

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 07:29 AM

23. Hilarious, had me laughing out loud at 3.27 am.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 09:43 AM

24. "The Wall" is actually copywrite by Pink Floyd/Roger Waters I.e. their album about the Berlin Wall

...which gives me the giggles every time Trump mentions it.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 09:50 AM

25. K&R

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 10:10 AM

26. Rachel Brand begging for job as Walmart door greeter

My personal favorite

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 10:14 AM

27. Thanks!

I needed that laugh this morning.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 12:31 PM

29. Thanks again and again and again, please stay warm and well, TheFerret,

WE NEED YO ASS HERE WITH US, DIG?


“Hey, you're the Vice President of the United Fucking States of America, how come you never seem to know shit about shit?"




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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Mon Feb 12, 2018, 01:59 PM

30. This line is both absolutely brilliant and fucking scary

"We're all just puttering around wondering how a dude credibly accused of domestic violence by two ex-wives (and thus denied a security clearance) was allowed to serve as one of the primary Shart House gatekeepers, literally choosing which information drifts across our Idiot Manchild President's gnat-like attention span as he makes life or death decisions for the entire world."

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