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Thu Apr 19, 2018, 09:32 PM

Oh Rudy, You're So Fine, You're So Fine You DEAR GOD MAN WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR TEETH (Ferret!)

Hey folks, let me start by apologizing in advance; I'm sure to miss a bunch of shit today. The moving truck comes tomorrow, and I can FINALLY complete the big migration to the new Cap Cave. As you can imagine, transporting all my state-of-the-art Shart-fighting equipment is tricky business.

(As is customary, you can check out this post, with informative links, at: http://showercapblog.com/oh-rudy-youre-fine-youre-fine-dear-god-man-happened-teeth/)

Now that Larry Kudlow has failed upwards from TV to the highest halls of political power, BOY is he ever gettin’ a mouth on him! He went after Nikki Haley, saying she got confused, like womenfolk do, about Russia sanctions, and then Haley stepped on his neck and made him say “uncle,” which I'm told was a shameful thing to say under duress in times gone by.

Some sections of the internet eagerly proclaimed Haley a feminist hero, apparently forgetting who it is she fucking works for, and whose policies she spends her days implementing.

To drive the point home, let's check in on what the Trump/Haley United Nations crew has been up to, shall we? Oh, they're pushing massively regressive anti-women's-rights policies straight out of Mike Pants’ dream journal? NEAT!

Spare me the Noble Nikki takes, is all I'm saying.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell kicked a puppy and dipped his withered old man balls in the fondue pot, and god knows what else in his ongoing quest to become the most disliked man on the planet. To that end, he says he won't even allow a bill protecting the Mueller investigation on the floor, TAKE THAT DEMOCRACY!

But Chuck Grassley is pushing the bill through committee anyhow, setting up a showdown between two of the Senate's shittiest prunes. How will they settle their differences? Murder, She Wrote trivia?

Oh, and Yertle's looking at extending the Senate work week, so vulnerable red state Democrats won't have time to campaign back home. How 'bout we show him what we're made of, toss a little spare cash to Joe Donnelly, Heidi Heitkamp, and Joe Manchin, so they can ride that sweet sweet blue wave to new six-year terms?*

Three parents of victims of the Sandy Hook shooting are suing Screechy Hate Poppet Alex Jones for defamation, apparently ungrateful for the way Jones’ conspiracy-mongering has enriched their lives with the gift of Death Threats From Maniacs. Hope you take him for every fucking thing he owns, down to the BBQ crumbs in his chest hair.

If Sean Hannity worked at any news outlet on the planet, he would've lost his job for covering the Michael Cohen raid without disclosing that he's one of Cohen's clients-except-not-really-but-trust-me-all-our-discussions-are-super-privileged-even-though-he's-in-no-way-my-lawyer. Luckily for Sean, he works for Fux "Nooz,” so the extent of his discipline will fall somewhere between Jack Shit and You Have to Eat All the Mr. Goodbars When We Buy a Hershey's Miniatures Mix.

Karen McDougal has been released from her hush money contract with the National Enquirer, and is now free to tell her story. Do we really want this, America? It's probably a lot of information about just how the Dopey Diminutive Dotard likes his hemorrhoids massaged during sex acts.

A surprise new leader emerged in the Cabinet Grifting Pool, as trade rep Robert Lighthizer blew nearly a million bucks worth of our money on office furniture! Ben Carson felt so inadequate upon learning this that he commissioned a brand new portrait, this time of him beating Jesus at thumb wrestling.

Michael Cohen will be dropping libel suits against Fusion GPS and Buzzfeed, after realizing he's spent the last three months arguing in his apartment with his own echo, shouting “Says who?” at himself at ever-escalating volume.

The inventor of bump stocks has decided to shut down his bump-stock-making company, but can somebody call up this guy and ask him why “mass murder should be easier!” was a thought that occurred to him in the first place?

Barbara Bush died, and the goddamn Shart House lacks the competence to send out a fucking condolence message without getting bloody date wrong. We're being governed by people who repeatedly fail on a grade school level. Like, when they try launching nukes at North Korea, can we be confident that they haven't accidentally aimed them at Poughkeepsie?

Perhaps in honor of the Bushes, Dorito Mussolini declared “READ MY LIPS! NO NEW TAX RETURNS!” Yes, Shithead not only still refuses to release his taxes to the public, he couldn't even file on time, because he can't do one fucking thing right. I swear, he's probably locked in a bathroom right now.

So, the Tennessee state government decided to punish their own constituents, because the city government in Memphis decided they didn't want monuments to the treasonous losers known as “Th’Confederacy” stinking up their air anymore. So the Republican-controlled legislature clawed back $250,000 in previously-allocated funding. Because open evil is the hot new thing in conservative politics these days. (See Greitens, Eric)

To the GOP finks governing Tennessee, statues of dead traitors are more important than living humans. And surely it's a coincidence that Memphis is majority African-American, right? RIGHT?

Checking in with Mr. Greitens, he...wow. He's basically Diet Shart, isn't he? Fresh off new felony campaign finance accusations, (on top of the HORRIFYING RAPE CHARGES, by the way) Eric's basically barricaded himself in his office, screaming "COME AT ME BRO" at pretty much the entire state of Missouri.

Stormy Daniels released a composite sketch of the man she claims threatened her on behalf of the future American President. Drumpf proclaimed the sketch a “con job,” irate because it looks NOTHING like the thug he sends to threaten his former sexual partners! The President of the United States will not stand idly by while Vinnie No-Knees’ reputation is impugned!

There was a new, island-wide blackout in Puerto Rico, just a casual reminder that your federal government has abandoned millions of American citizens to needless torment because of the color of their skin. Anyway, this seems like a really great time to tell me more about how Hillary is just as bad as Trump.

Actually, don't tell me. Hop a flight down to San Juan. Get a soapbox. You'll be popular.

Everybody congratulate Scott Pruitt! This crook finally has so many scandals, he needs a special article just to keep them all straight! Folks, the right wing dipshitosphere would've called for armed insurrection if Obama refused to fire a Cabinet level official who pulled even half this shit.

The Senate passed a resolution allowing Tammy Duckworth (or any Senator, really) to bring her shiny new baby onto the floor during votes. Regrettably, a second resolution, mandating Rand Paul's desk be replaced with a dunk tank, was filibustered.

KKKris KKKobach was held in kontempt of kourt, because apparently “But Your Honor, I'm a wealthy white male” isn't quiiiiiite good enough to get you out of following a judge's orders. At least this time. If he winds up in jail, will they strip him of his voting rights?

And gosh, it's been a really shitty week for white supremacist losers in Kansas! Three of the sorriest specimens of “racial superiority” you'll ever scrape off your shoe got their loser asses convicted on terrorism charges, possibly because of the terrorist attack they were recorded planning. Enjoy jail, losers! You’ll be displeased to learn that being a member of the “master race” doesn't even get you a discount in the commissary.

Mike Pompeo's confirmation as the next Secretary of State hangs by a thread, so Team Cudbrain figured they'd secretly send him to North Korean to meet with Kim Jong-un, because “surprise, we've let him do the job already,” is what passes for a good idea amongst these twits.

Look, I fucking despise Ted Cruz, but even I got the embarrassment shivers reading the prose handjob he gave Boss Turd in Time Magazine. Bro. This jag insulted your wife. Your Dad. No wonder Beto's surging in the polls...I ask you, Texans, if a guy won’t stand up for his own family, do you really think he'll stand up for you?

Beto's new campaign slogan: “I am the only candidate in this race who can stand the sight of his own face in the mirror.”

A procedural vote to advance the nomination of the comically, distressingly, under-qualified James Bridenstine to head NASA was locked dramatically in a tie! Until Jeff Flake dashed onto the Senate floor...to change his vote! You almost imagined Jeffy grew some principles there for a second, didn'tcha?

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! Flake teased us further! He was like “Y'know, I haven't made up my mind, I'm not just a party-line puppet, I think for myse-why are you all laughing?” And then he marched out and voted to confirm the clown anyway. Because OF COURSE HE DID.

There are two big takeaways here. First, Jeff Flake likes attention. Second, he is a sad, spineless, little man, and the Senate will be infinitely better off without him.

Well, Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes and his crew of collaborators are getting their grubby little mitts on the famed Comey memos. I look forward to their trademark Mad Libs-style selective leaking. Maybe Devin'll try scribbling incriminating notes in the margins, (“Oh man, the Deep State is gonna OWN this doofus!”) but the bacon grease residue will give him away.

Renowned Historical Scholar Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for "My Dad Paid Cash to a Forger for my High School Diploma”) remarked “Human trafficking is worse than it’s ever been in the history of the world,” because he really doesn't wanna lose that Confederate Monument crowd.

...maybe we should put a lock on the nuclear codes, where the user has to pass a 7th grade history test before he's allowed to launch? I'd sleep better.

The fuck is this? The DoJ IG (E-I-E-I-O!) sent a possible criminal referral of Andrew McCabe to a U.S. attorney? I'm bleary-eyed-stoned on packing tape fumes right now, I don't have time to do the deep reading on this. Is it as shady as it looks at first glance?

And now Rudy Giuliani is joining the Velveeta Vulgarian's legal team? I confess, it would be amusing to watch his teeth rot right out of his head in the middle of the impeachment trial...

Rudy seems to think he can clear up this whole “Russia investigation” thing in a couple of weeks. Heh. He also thought he could wait till the Florida primary to start his Presidential campaign.

Our ol’ chum Precious Paul Manafort was back in the news today, with DoJ telling a judge the #Manafucked one is suspected of being the Shart campaign's back channel to Boris and Natasha and Ivan Drago and whoever else. Who could imagine a career money-launderer with longstanding ties to Russian organized crime figures, desperate to get out of debt, would have volunteered to run a Presidential campaign for free, and not done so out of the purity radiating from his every pore?

The Kushners need no longer fear subpoenas envy! They've received federal subpoenas of their very own, regarding their shifty-ass slumlord fuckery. In related news, researchers at Yale now project 1 in 5 Americans will be serving on grand juries investigating various members of the Trump administration by 2019.

Folks, I know I've missed a bunch of shit, but the movers are gonna be here in 12 hours, and I still haven't packed my mask. The good news is, I'll be back to my regular posting schedule pretty dang soon. Thanks for hanging in with me, I appreciate the hell out of it.

*Yes I saw Heitkamp is voting to confirm Pompeo. No, I don't like it. Yes, we're still better off with her in the seat than a North Dakota Republican. Remember the ACA vote? The tax bill vote?

Shower Cap will return...in SHARTFINGER

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Replies to this discussion thread
Arrow 21 replies Author Time Post
Reply Oh Rudy, You're So Fine, You're So Fine You DEAR GOD MAN WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR TEETH (Ferret!) (Original post)
TheFerret Apr 2018 OP
HipChick Apr 2018 #1
malaise Apr 2018 #2
George II Apr 2018 #8
Lucky Luciano Apr 2018 #18
ismnotwasm Apr 2018 #3
CaliforniaPeggy Apr 2018 #4
OhNo-Really Apr 2018 #9
flying rabbit Apr 2018 #5
Scurrilous Apr 2018 #6
OhNo-Really Apr 2018 #7
tblue37 Apr 2018 #10
Lilma Apr 2018 #11
Lugnut Apr 2018 #12
UpInArms Apr 2018 #13
PelicanScot_V3 Apr 2018 #14
EffieBlack Apr 2018 #15
murielm99 Apr 2018 #16
Doremus Apr 2018 #17
Cha Apr 2018 #19
Gothmog Apr 2018 #20
lordsummerisle Apr 2018 #21

Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu Apr 19, 2018, 09:33 PM

1. K&R

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu Apr 19, 2018, 09:43 PM

2. I was thinking of saying happy moving but there is nothing

more difficult. If you have time to unpack slowly once the moving is over, that's fine

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Response to malaise (Reply #2)

Thu Apr 19, 2018, 11:55 PM

8. Hah! Reminds me of when I moved up to CT from NY. Moving truck was late.....

...so I didn't get up to the new home until about 6 PM. I spent a couple of hours "slowly" unpacking the important stuff and getting ready for work the next day. I finished up about 9 PM, so figured I'd go out and get a six-pack and relax. NOOOOO, back then in CT, unbeknownst to me, beer sales were cut off at 8 PM (and all day on Sunday!), so it was "no beer for you!"

Welcome to puritanical New England!

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Response to George II (Reply #8)

Fri Apr 20, 2018, 06:45 PM

18. Blue laws should be blatantly illegal.

Church/state anyone?

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu Apr 19, 2018, 10:02 PM

3. K&R

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu Apr 19, 2018, 10:08 PM

4. My dear Ferret, you must have really needed a break from packing!

Nevertheless, I am overjoyed to see you tonight!

Good luck with the move and thank you once again for your amazing thinking and prose!

A hug for luck---->

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Response to CaliforniaPeggy (Reply #4)

Fri Apr 20, 2018, 12:14 AM

9. Yes, good luck moving

Hope it's a good move.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu Apr 19, 2018, 11:18 PM

5. K&R

Thanks for the fix.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu Apr 19, 2018, 11:43 PM

6. K&R

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu Apr 19, 2018, 11:52 PM

7. Thank you TF, humor helps so much

Trumplethinskin is wearing me down.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri Apr 20, 2018, 12:34 AM

10. K&R and thanks! But just FYI, while Trump probably does think Puerto Ricans are PoC, the

fact is that 76% of the population of PR is of white European (mostly Spanish) descent, so "the color of their skin" is not what everyone seems to think it is.

Obviously Trump isn't the only one who gets that wrong, but he and the RW yahoos are the ones who believe not only that Puerto Ricans are PoC, but also that their American rights and their human needs should therefore be ignored.

Of course, Trump and his yahoo chorus don't even realize that Puerto Ricans are Americans.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri Apr 20, 2018, 01:05 AM

11. K&R

Moving day at last. Hope you will be happy in your new digs.

Dotard and company makes me slap my head--Ive got to stop that- so much every day that my husband is in danger of being accused of wife beating.

Shit be cray!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri Apr 20, 2018, 01:38 AM

12. K&R n/t

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri Apr 20, 2018, 01:42 PM

13. Ferret, you are the bestest!

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri Apr 20, 2018, 01:59 PM

14. You are so WRONG!

Not half. The right wing dipshitosphere would've called for armed insurrection if Obama refused to fire a Cabinet level official who pulled even a single shitty unethical act.

Fixed it for ya!

Great blog post as always.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri Apr 20, 2018, 02:00 PM

15. Funniest headline of the week!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri Apr 20, 2018, 04:43 PM

16. K&R, Ferret

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri Apr 20, 2018, 05:20 PM

17. K&R

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri Apr 20, 2018, 07:25 PM

19. Kick for Funny Ferret!

Good Luck Moving!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri Apr 20, 2018, 07:40 PM

20. Juanita Jean's son is one of the attorneys suing Alex Jones

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri Apr 20, 2018, 09:24 PM

21. Thanks, great post n/t

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