Helicopter Parents? What's That About?

[MineralMan]

I graduated from high school in 1963. My parents' child-rearing consisted of giving us some direction and gradually lengthening the leash they had us on as we got older. By high school graduation, the leash was no longer there. I went off to college the next Fall. I was done with being a kid. They only asked basic questions about school once it started. Other than that, I was on my own to succeed or fail. After one year and half the next, I managed to decide to drop out and do one of those self-discovery periods. My parents were somewhat disappointed, but said, "OK, then."

I ended up in the USAF, after which I went back to finish what I had started, albeit with a completely different major. My folks, who had planned to pay for college, decided that I could do that myself, too, but kicked in $100 a month to supplement the GI Bill.

Once I was 18 years old, they stopped trying to run my life or control it. My life was mine to live. They did their job of raising me, and now it was my turn to figure stuff out. It all worked out just fine.

I don't get all this hovering over adult children, frankly. How are they supposed to screw up and figure out how to recover if someone's always there to pull them out of a jam? Let the leash get longer while they're with you and remove it completely when they become adults. Parents can still be a safe haven if needed, but otherwise, leave those adult kids to figure things out for themselves. How else will they develop the independent living skills they need?

I just don't get it.

Note: This was prompted by the story of the two Native American kids who were held up by the police when they went to a school to check it out on their own. Some other kid's parents called the cops on them. Very weird stuff, it seems to me.

[snowybirdie]

1. I shake my head too

A contemporary of yours, I have two granddaughters who at age 24,still live at home with parents paying living expenses for them. Both have college degrees, full time, decent paying jobs, boyfriends who also live at home and don't seem to want any change. At their age I had three kids, was buying a house and was grown up! We're delaying maturity more and more. Not good.

[MineralMan]

4. When I turned 16, my father said, "Well, son, what kind of job are you looking for?"

I ended up working 20 hours a week delivering milk from 5-8 AM for the last two years of high school. It wasn't "Did I want to get a part-time job?" It was "Time to get a part-time job."

It was a great job. I got paid a decent wage, and earned enough money to save enough to pay for my dorm and dining hall costs at college.

As we got older, we got more responsibilities to handle. By the time I was 18, I was ready to be on my own and make my own way in life. I thank my parents for that kind of upbringing.

[Vilis Veritas]

7. At 16 my son went away to college...

Just raised him to be honest and work hard.

That was my job.

[MyOwnPeace]

2. You've got that right...............

Coming from the "society of old guys sitting around bitching about what's wrong with these kids," you continually hear the same comments. I had the "honor/privilege" of being in public school education and watched the very shift in attitude that you are citing.

There are so many mentions about "work ethic" - just the other day I was talking with a group of people that complained that they couldn't get their driveways and sidewalks cleared because there was nobody around to do it. In the late 50's - early 60's I prayed for "snow days" so that I could take my shovel and make a great pocket-full of cash doing driveways and walks within a few blocks of my house.

I could go on about the experiences in schools (parents coming in to "discuss" their child's "problem" with a teacher - but, hey, I'm retired and it is not my worry anymore!!!

[redstatebluegirl]

3. As a former academic advisor I can tell you they ran me out of my job.

These parents call over and over again, blaming professors, advisors and the college for their babies not doing well. In most cases the students are drinking heavily, not going to class, or challenging the professors. I had parents who insisted they come with their college students to advising appointments and they the spend the half hour brow beating me because their "brilliant student' was not doing as well as he should be.

Helicopter parents are driving faculty and staff out of higher ed. They are a nightmare!

[MineralMan]

5. I can see why that was terrible.

I can't even imagine. How are those young adults supposed to learn to be independent? That's a crucial lesson everyone needs to learn. They need to be able to fail and recover on their own. Otherwise, they will never learn those essential skills.

[redstatebluegirl]

9. They don't they come out of college like a middle school student emotionally.

They are totally unable to problem solve. My husband teaches hard science, he gets calls from parents who say "you are keeping my child out of medical school"...well do you want a doctor who can't pass organic chemistry? It is terrilble.

[MineralMan]

12. Exactly. Want to be a doctor? Here's all this stuff you need to learn.

Start cracking those books and memorizing things. If you can't do that, you won't become a doctor. It's up to you! That's what I'd be telling them as a teacher.

I did some teaching as a grad student. I got assigned to report-writing classes for non-English majors. Most were engineering majors. They whined and complained almost immediately. I finally stood up in front of the class and said, "Look. Here's the deal. The people who learn how to communicate their ideas effectively in writing are the ones who will become project engineers. Those who can't will end up doing the same crappy tasks they started their careers doing. Which do you want to be? It's up to you."

That got through to some of the students, who actually did apply themselves to learning how to write a coherent report. The rest? I stopped caring. While their colleagues are moving up in their careers, they'll still be sitting in front of a drawing board, creating detail drawings for projects. Their choice, really.

[MissB]

6. Yep. I have two in college.

The oldest just finished his sophomore year of college and is in Europe for a month. His uncle gives each niece or nephew that graduates from high school this gift. They have an itinerary but each day is very vaguely planned. I don’t know what flights he took to each country (he just detoured over to Egypt for a few days) or what hotels he is staying in- that’s all on him to figure out along the way and to stay within the budget his uncle set up for him.

He also signed a lease for an apartment next year without my help. He works part time for a consulting firm during the school year so he can show income. He’s on the east coast and we are on the west coast, so it’s all stuff he gets to figure out. He’ll sublet a room until he can move in mid-July.

The other kid just finished his freshman year- he’s in another state but not nearly as far away. He’s couch surfing this week, cooking meals in exchange for staying in town an extra week before he comes home for a few days. He has a summer job lined up and is hiking in Peru later this summer (earned $ to pay for his trip) so I won’t see him much this summer either. He’s trying to figure out what he needs for his rental house just off campus- I think so far he’s come up with a list containing a mattress and a cast iron pan.

The idea is to raise kids so they will fly away, not live with you forever. They’ve got to adult at some point, and we figured sooner is better than later.

We do still provide financial support to some degree.

[MineralMan]

8. Good for you! Your young adults will do just fine.

You raised them to do just fine. Brava!

[cbdo2007]

10. The only problem I have with the "Helicopter Parents" term is that now people are applying it to

young kids too. We have a kid in kindergarten and the other parents are vicious calling out parents behind their backs as "Helicopter Parents" because they think they hover too much and don't let their kids be kids. They are so afraid of being labeled a "Helicopter parent" they'll drop their kindergartener off at the door of a public place for a birthday party, rather than walk them in, or even stay for any of it.

[MineralMan]

11. Young children are a different matter, I think.

I suppose it's possible to hover too much, even then, but it's not the same issue that it is when they are young adults.

[crazycatlady]

13. You do realize that helicopter parents are typically Boomers

Or at least they started the helicopter parenting trend.

My first job was at 15 (camp counselor). They made it very clear that parents were not to call out on our behalf (the oldest counselors there were college students). As someone who's managed high school and college kids (paid canvassers), sometimes I've resassured parents that their kid was safe on the job (I've also hired quite a few only to have them quit after one day because of parents).

[MineralMan]

14. Most Baby Boomers are grandparents, now.

The last Baby Boomers were born in 1964. They're already 54 years old now. Not too many of them have college aged kids any longer. Boomers are moving into retirement age now. The people with kids graduating from high school in 2018 are the children of Baby Boomers. So, I don't think you're correct, there. Most parents of college students are now Generation Xers.

Math.

[crazycatlady]

15. I used to be friends with someone with extreme helicopter parents

She was born in 1985 to baby boomers. These parents called her employers to get schedules, check on statuses of applications, and even questioned the employer's decision to terminate her. It was Boomers who told my mom (retired teacher) in the 90s that they were concerned about their 4th grader's ability to get into Harvard.

I know I'm in Boomer Central here (I'll see myself off your lawn if you would like that) but like it or not, as much as Boomers like to bash the 'everyone gets a trophy' and helicopter parents, they started the trend. Someone had to order all those participation trophies before they were given out.

Also you're talking about the ability to move out of their parents house-- my 28 yo friend had to move out of his home county (now has a 1 hour commute) to find an apartment because the only ones there he could afford were age restricted. Perhaps what people here who love to bash the next generation should do is talk to someone who isn't a boomer and listen to their financial concerns. This forum used to be a lot more age inclusive than it is now.