*High School BULLY Apologizes 60 Years Later, the Story Goes Public

[appalachiablue]

Last edited Wed May 23, 2018, 12:37 PM - Edit history (5)

Tribune News, "What Happens When the Bully Apologizes 60 Years Later and the Story Goes Public?" May 22, '18

TINLEY PARK, Ill. - In the month since Bruce Smit apologized to sisters Kathleen Rys and Lorraine O'Kelly for sins he committed some 60 years ago when all were students at Monee Elementary School, the three have become friends.

It is an unexpected outcome to a long torturous journey for all. "There's a kind of peace now," Lorraine said. "It's nice."
On a recent Monday morning, I sat down again with Smit, a Frankfort podiatrist, and the Rys sisters - Lorraine, who lives in Tinley Park, and Kathleen, of Oak Forest. We gathered at the same Tinley Park Panera Bread where we'd originally met, this time to talk about the merits of sharing a personal story rife with humiliation and remorse with the Daily Southtown and Chicago Tribune. The article was subsequently picked up by news organizations all over the country.

I told them about the feedback I received, which was considerable. Emails and social media messages came in from near and far, including Palos Heights; Chicago, Naperville; Grayslake; Dallas, Texas; Jacksonville, Fla.; and Curwensville, Pa. And they talked about their sudden "brush with fame." Clearly, many readers were moved by the story of a man so tortured by the memory of his childhood self inflicting emotional pain on two sisters for no apparent reason that he would muster the courage to find them decades later and apologize. Many more sympathized with the plight of the sisters.




The biggest take-aways? That what happens in childhood doesn't stay in childhood. The hurt and cruelty inflicted during the formative years can stay with a person forever, whether that person is the victim or the perpetrator. And that not everyone gets the opportunity to make amends and heal those wounds. But for those who do, life can become "a beautiful peace," Lorraine said. Back in the late 1950s, the now-71-year-old Smit said he "jumped on the bandwagon" and joined other junior high students in ostracizing and belittling the sisters, the older of whom, Kathleen, was a classmate. Smit was not the instigator and none of the parties recall how the torment began, but all say it was severe and sustained, continuing on to Crete-Monee High School.
"Somehow the whole school turned against us," Lorraine recalled.

Smit suspects that he and the other bullies felt a sense of empowerment by putting the sisters down.
Labeled outcasts, Lorraine and Kathleen said they endured a lonely existence. They didn't receive Valentine's Day cards, didn't go to school dances and weren't invited to sleepovers. No one talked to them in the hallways. And until their first meeting with Smit this past April, they had never eaten lunch with a classmate. Though the pain of being shunned has never healed, Lorraine, now 70, said, "It was all folded up so tight in a little box and put away."...MORE...

More: https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/good-news/what-happens-when-the-bully-apologizes-60-years-later-and-the-story-goes-public-amazing-grace/ar-AAxCtHs

OSTRACIZE, BANISHMENT, SHUNNING, OUTCAST, SCAPEGOAT
Definition of ostracize, ostracized; ostracizing, transitive verb
1 : to exile by ostracism ·Despite his victories, Themistocles was ostracized by the Athenians.
2 : to exclude from a group by common consent ·a lonely dissenter, ostracized as an enemy of the people
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ostracize

SHUNNING: Shunning can be the act of social rejection, or emotional distance. In a religious context, shunning is a formal decision by a denomination or a congregation to cease interaction with an individual or a group, and follows a particular set of rules. It differs from, but may be associated with, excommunication.
Social rejection occurs when a person or group deliberately avoids association with, and habitually keeps away from an individual or group. This can be a formal decision by a group, or a less formal group action which will spread to all members of the group as a form of solidarity. It is a sanction against association, often associated with religious groups and other tightly knit organizations and communities...https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shunning

[Demovictory9]

1. interesting story

[appalachiablue]

2. It goes deep with many like these sisters, which is understandable.

Last edited Wed May 23, 2018, 03:16 AM - Edit history (1)

What they went through was very painful and long lasting; it is their right not to disclose the reason. I have thoughts.

Wiki: Shunning
Targets of shunning can include persons who have been labeled as apostates, whistleblowers, dissidents, strikebreakers, or anyone the group perceives as a threat or source of conflict.

Social rejection has been established to cause psychological damage and has been categorized as torture or punishment.

Mental rejection is a more individual action, where a person subconsciously or willfully ignores an idea, or a set of information related to a particular viewpoint. Some groups are made up of people who shun the same ideas.

Social rejection has been and is a punishment used by many customary legal systems. Such sanctions include the ostracism of ancient Athens and the still-used kasepekang in Balinese society.

[appalachiablue]

18. ANOTHER NEWS ARTICLE on the Story, more remarks from the 2 sisters;

'Two Sisters Get Apology From Bully 60 Years After School Torment,' The Western Journal, May 5, 2018

Kathleen Rys, 72, and Lorraine O’Kelly, 70, are sisters. Their sisterly bond was not only a matter of friendship but also one of survival. Connections with other people and friendships are crucial for our sense of well-being. The Rys sisters missed out on their chance to develop meaningful friendships once they transferred to Monee Elementary School from Chicago during their elementary-school days.
The sisters were shunned at school for unknown reasons. By middle school, there seemed to be an unwritten rule that the entire student body followed: avoid the Rys sisters.

“Somehow the whole entire school got against us … Not one person wanted to get near us,” O’Kelly told the Chicago Tribune. Normal school memories of sitting in the cafeteria eating lunch or signing yearbooks are painful for the two sisters. Their memories are of empty chairs next to them at lunch and empty pages that should have been signed by other students.
Students would even move to the other side of the hallway if it meant not walking near Rys and O’Kelly. The sisters turned to each other for support while the entire school rejected them.
O’Kelly heartbreakingly shared, “When we climbed the stairs to go to our other classes, if someone bumped into us, they’d run to the washroom to wash their hands … We prayed to God because we knew at least he loved us.”

...Smit [perpetrator & apologist} expressed his shame and embarrassment over his past behavior. The two sisters forgave him, despite the fact that the pain of bullying still stung....MORE...
https://www.westernjournal.com/l/carolynfultz/two-sisters-get-apology-from-bully-60-years-after-school-torment/

[elocs]

3. There are stupid and hurtful things I did and said as a kid and young man

for which I am now very much ashamed of having done. If I ever saw those people again I would apologize in a heartbeat. As it is, I can only hope and wish they have had good lives and have been happy. But if I can remember cruel things I said over 50 years ago I imagine they might as well. We can truly become better people and sincerely change over the course of our lives.

[Raine]

4. Me too

I remember when I was 7 or 8 going along with a half dozen kids when they harassed some other little girl. I was just part of the crowd, didn't participate except for being there but to this day I feel ashamed and disgusted sbout it. I wish I could tell her I'm sorry, I just hope she put it behind her and didn't dwell on it.

[appalachiablue]

5. Bullying abuse is at school, with family at home, at work, online, and has several types.

Bullying is the use of force, threat, or coercion to abuse, intimidate or aggressively dominate others. The behavior is often repeated and habitual. One essential prerequisite is the perception, by the bully or by others, of an imbalance of social or physical power, which distinguishes bullying from conflict.
Behaviors used to assert such domination can include verbal harassment or threat, physical assault or coercion, and such acts may be directed repeatedly towards particular targets. Rationalizations of such behavior sometimes include differences of social class, race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, appearance, behavior, body language, personality, reputation, lineage, strength, size or ability. If bullying is done by a group, it is called mobbing.

Bullying is divided into four basic types of abuse –
emotional (sometimes called relational), verbal, physical and cyber. It typically involves subtle methods of coercion, such as intimidation. Bullying ranges from one-on-one, individual bullying through to group bullying called mobbing...
A bullying culture can develop in any context in which humans interact with each other.
This includes school, family, the workplace, home and neighborhoods. The main platform for bullying is on social media websites.

Of typical bystanders: Often, bullying takes place in the presence of a large group of relatively uninvolved bystanders. In many cases, it is the bully's ability to create the illusion that he or she has the support of the majority present that instills the fear of "speaking out" in protestation of the bullying activities being observed by the group. Unless the "bully mentality" is effectively challenged in any given group in its early stages, it often becomes an accepted, or supported, norm within the group.

Of victims: Dr. Cook says that "A typical victim is likely to be aggressive, lack social skills, think negative thoughts, experience difficulties in solving social problems, come from a negative family, school and community environments and be noticeably rejected and isolated by peers".
Victims often have characteristics such as being physically weak, as well as being easily distraught emotionally. They may also have physical characteristics that make them easier targets for bullies such as being overweight or having some type of physical deformity. Boys are more likely to be victims of physical bullying while girls are more likely to be bullied indirectly.

The results of a meta-analysis conducted by Cook and published by the American Psychological Association in 2010 concluded the main risk factors for children and adolescents being bullied, and also for becoming bullies, are the lack of social problem-solving skills.
Children who are bullied often show physical or emotional signs, such as: being afraid to attend school, complaining of headaches or a loss of appetite, a lack of interest in school activities and spending time with friends or family, and having an overall sense of sadness.

Read More: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bullying

[Grammy23]

6. My husband recalls being bullied in high school by a boy he knew.

There seemed to be no logical reason for the harassment but apparently it was daily. There were mostly threats of violence and intimidation without too much follow through. However, there was punching and some jabbing just to make the point.

My husband mentioned it to his dad who pretty much encouraged him to stand up for himself and not let the bully continue to push him around or threaten him. So at the next opportunity he did as his dad encouraged him to do. Instead of just standing there taking the abuse and punches, he summoned up his courage and walloped the guy enough that he knew he was no longer dealing with someone who would allow the harassment to go unchallenged.

From that day on the guy never hit him again. He would occasionally threaten to meet him after school somewhere but those were empty threats, too. Once he knew the old game was over, he turned into a paper tiger. Makes me wonder whatever happened to that guy. It would be interesting to know if he ever matured enough to stop intimidating or hurting innocent people.

[hunter]

10. Every time I "stood up for myself" I got beaten bloodier.

I was a skinny squeaky highly reactive kid, and a favorite chew toy of the bullies. They called me queerbait.

I have a deep loathing for all the teachers and school staff who suggested all my problems would go away if I simply stood up for myself, if I'd just be a man, etc..

It's a blame the victim mentality.

The bullying started in middle school. Quitting high school was one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life.

I had a few fiends, misfits who would hang out in the school library for lunch (the librarian kept it a safe place), and I was safe at home, so I survived. One of my friends later killed himself.

Teachers and school staff need to confront bullies and the parents of bullies directly, making it very clear to them that bullying is unacceptable.

[appalachiablue]

13. Good on your husband & his father who gave the best advice.

"A coward dies a thousand deaths," my father said a few times. I always remember things he said & did, and miss him.
He was bullied and teased as a kid because of family I'm sure. And he fought back.

[hunter]

14. I learned that any place that tolerated bullying wasn't worthy of my time or energy.

I quit high school before there was a GED. But I'd successfully completed a couple of community college placement exams and night classes, and the principal of the high school was happy to be rid of me. My parents didn't freak out that I'd be missing out on any fond imaginations of high school dances, football games, and prom nights. Those things were simply not in the cards for me. I was a weird late blooming autistic spectrum kid of indeterminate sexuality and there was no fixing that.

My younger sister had a similar experience, quitting high school and soon passing the GED. Curiously, my sister and I have the high power university degrees. My siblings who completed high school have the two year college degrees and certificates. We're all successful in our own fashion.

My ancestors courageously left Europe for the Americas when things were getting ugly for them, especially the pacifists. (One of my grandfathers was a conscientious objector in World War II. I grew up Jehovah's Witness and then Quaker, with a side of Social Justice Catholic.) A couple of my ancestors, on the wrong side of the U.S.Civil War, wisely fled westward. I don't have a single family Civil War story even though all my ancestors were here in the U.S.A. and its territories then.

Had my ancestors "stood their ground" they might not have survived.

I might not have survived another year of high school had I stayed. There was nothing there for me. It was a wasteland. I got up before dawn and rode my bike to school trying to escape bullies on the bus and they'd vandalize my bike.

As an adult I can be bad ass, physically, intellectually, and recklessly. I could show you the knife scar on my arm and other take downs of various bad people. But telling a middle or high school kid to fight back is stupid advice. It's the job of the adults in the room to put down bullies because, for any number of reasons, many bullied kids CANNOT fight back.

In middle school I had a teacher who told me all my problems would go away if I could just "be a man." He addressed all his students as ladies and gentlemen, treated us all like mini-adults.

One day I was screwing around like a typical middle school boy and he grabbed me by the collar and dragged me outside to lecture me about being a man. I broke free, ran and jumped the fence, and spent the rest of the day exploring a nearby creek. (I was born a biologist.) The school was frantic and called my mom who reassured them I'd certainly be home for dinner.

And I was.

[Iggo]

7. The way I treat bullies is a direct result of the way I was treated by bullies.

I see. it. I know why it's there.

But I can't unfold them brain-folds.

[Snotcicles]

8. The confession of one humbles all. Antonio Porchia

[appalachiablue]

20. +1 Better late than never in this case. There's more information

in a second article posted here; just incredible how the sisters were openly abused and shunned by the entire student population for decades, from elem. to HS. Also why didn't the schools' staff intervene to stop the blatant harassment and belittling that caused lifelong psychological and social problems for the women.

[Cha]

9. Ohh.. that was really a

long drawn out bullying spree.. no wonder it had such lasting affects. For Bruce Smit.. and Kathleen and Lorraine. Very emotional reading.. I think many of us have gone through some type of experience like that. On the receiving and/or the giving end.

Such a coincidence.. earlier today a boy(I still remember his name, too) flashed in my mind that we used to make fun of in Jr High. I was so regretting it and felt so ashamed.

Now we have a bully role model in the Oval Office.

[appalachiablue]

16. Unless there's a lot more to the story, sorry I don't see

what all the perpetrator did to induce the sisters to have contact and forgive him. His wife made the initial phone call as well.
It's their business, but after the damage done, years of abuse and lifelong after effects, the happy reconciliation as described here is remarkable.

The two girls story of enduring what was leveled at them is just incredible- shunning, no invitations to events, having to sit alone in the cafeteria for years and years, more.

And he, the perp and other boys leaned up against walls in the schools halls in order not to be 'close to them,' and who knows what else. All this occurred from the ELEMENTARY through HIGH SCHOOL years...wow.

Where in the Hell, were the teachers, administrators, coaches & cafeteria workers that observed this over decades?!



~ Hey Cha!

[Uncle Joe]

11. Kicked and recommended.

Thanks for the thread appalachiablue

[appalachiablue]

12. For sure Uncle Joe. Glad the Bully in the article finally apoligized to these

two sisters who were treated so badly and the effects were lifelong, as is standard.

[Stuart G]

17. Great Post...thank you very much for posting....

k and r....thank you

[appalachiablue]

19. Sure, amazing story with much abuse, damage, some reconciliation 60 yrs. ltr.