Inconsolable Jeff Sessions Tries To Commit Suicide By Smoking Joint

[Zorro]

WASHINGTON—Following months of bruising criticism from Democrats and President Trump alike, an inconsolable Jeff Sessions was reportedly trying to commit suicide Thursday by smoking a joint.

“I swore I’d never take the coward’s way out, but what choice do I have?” said a teary-eyed Sessions, carefully laying a sealed envelope containing his farewell note on a tool bench in his garage as he raised a lighter to the marijuana cigarette with trembling hands.

“This is it. I’ve taken four puffs to make sure there’s no chance of survival. It should only be a matter of minutes now. Oh, what a wretched, ignominious ending. Goodbye, cruel world, I’m sorry I’ve failed you so.”

At press time, Sessions reportedly realized he had died after being overcome by a euphoric, floating feeling.

https://politics.theonion.com/inconsolable-jeff-sessions-tries-to-commit-suicide-by-s-1826462420

[malaise]

1. Freaking hilarious

[NightWatcher]

2. Love it.

Reminds me of when I got my 70 y/o Dad stoned for the first time a few years ago.

"Son, I don't like this. I feel all loose and swirly."

[jayschool2013]

3. There is a remedy, Jefferson

Take two Goo Goo Clusters and one Moon Pie, and you'll start feeling better about the universe.

You also might contemplate your place in it.

[SCantiGOP]

5. Or 5 bags of potato chips

[saidsimplesimon]

4. Ah Zorro,

You give him cause for claiming he is so senile, under oath, "I do not recall." (big grin here)

[TallMike]

6. 300lbs

from 10 stories might kill a man. but a "Cup O' Gold" would make it all worth while.
You know who you are...

[moriah]

7. Reminds me of this...