Borowitz Report: Putin Loses Control of the House

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MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it “the biggest disappointment of my political career,” Vladimir Putin conceded late Tuesday night that he had lost control of the United States House of Representatives.

Putin made his concession speech from the Kremlin, where he congratulated the Democrats for waging a “tough fight.”

“Maybe if Facebook and Twitter hadn’t banned so many of my fake accounts, the results would have been different,” Putin said. “But I don’t want to make excuses—I threw everything I had at these races, and I lost.”

Putin did, however, have harsh words for Donald Trump, who opted for a fear-mongering closing argument about immigration despite the Russian President’s objections.

“I warned him that that would kill us in the suburbs, and he ignored me,” Putin said. “I hope this teaches him never to disobey my orders again.”

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/putin-loses-control-of-the-house?reload=true

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1. Fantastic