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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsI Know Things Look Dark, Friends, But Fear Not! Jeff Flake Will Save UsHAHAHAHAHAHAHWE'REDOOMED!
Holy fuck, 2019 is finally almost over, and I just want to get across that finish line, like Ive already run 3 marathons back-to-back, and I know Ive got one more ahead of me, but can I at least take a quick breather, enjoy some beer and cake and presents before I hit the road again? No? Well, make sure youre hydrated, Resisters, and lets plow through this shit...
(As always, you can find this post, with nifty news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/i-know-things-look-dark-friends-but-fear-not-jeff-flake-will-save-ushahahahahahahweredoomed/)
Because we live in Hell, youve probably already forgotten about how the President of the United States engaged in a little light genocide denial earlier this week, because hes still angling for that invite to join Erdoğans team in the Murderous Autocrat Bowling League. I know your atrocity bingo card is already long since filled in, but after all these years, Sharty McFly still manages to find new ways to be awful.
In a last-minute effort to stave off impeachment, the Hairplug That Ate Decency emptied the contents of his adult diaper directly onto six pages of official White House stationary, threw in a few grammatical errors to establish authenticity, and sent the resulting shitpile to Nancy Pelosi. Now, plenty has already been written about this so-insane-the-Mad-Hatter-and-the-March-Hare-stopped-inviting-Trump-to-tea diatribe, but let me just say, as a blogger who frequently strives for a childish, petulant, tone, Im a little envious of how naturally it comes to him.
Food safety whistleblowers warn that new Shart Administration rules allowing pork plants to circumvent all that pesky inspection will lead to American consumers getting a few surprises when they purchase the other white meat, surprises like feces, sex organs, toenails, bladders and unwanted hair, so basically a swinger party at Steve Bannons house. Anyway, congrats on Making Upton Sinclair Relevant Again, you guys!
The nation of Wakanda was formally removed from the USDAs trade partners list, because someone finally informed the Clown Car Full of Rectums running our government that it DOESNT FUCKING EXIST. Anyway, we still have to worry about the trade war with Narnia, the mithril deficit with Middle Earth, and all that Venusian trademark theft, so I dont think were out of the (enchanted) woods yet, honestly.
A Russian spy ship buzzed the east coast earlier this week, no doubt conducting a trial run for the inevitable day when the extraction of Putins Personal Pet President becomes necessary, because somebody leaked his plan to carry out air strikes against polling places in minority neighborhoods or some shit.
Wednesdays impeachment debate on the House floor unfolded like bizarre performance art, steadily alternating between a somber and diverse procession of House Democrats laying out the ironclad case that Kid Kompromat had committed high crimes, and old white dudes screaming extremely stupid shit. Republicans compared Fat Q*Berts impeachment (for, once again, crimes he has fully confessed to committing) to Pearl Harbor and the Salem witch trials and the crucifixion of Jesus and That One Time Pears Were on Sale But the Store Was Out of Pears by the Time I Got There After Work. Oh, and Doug Collins said irregardless when it was his turn to carry the Ranting Idiot Torch, so thats the ranking member on the Judiciary Committee, unable to use the English language on a grade school level. This must be that American exceptionalism Im always hearing about.
Still, when the theatre ended and the dust settled, the Motherfucker found himself good n thoroughly impeached, more impeached than any President who came before him, impeached with go fuck yourself crumbles on top and a side order of whine about it why dontcha, more impeached than any spray-on tan could ever hide. Congratulations, Fuckhead, its the first thing in your whole shitty life that youve actually earned.
Daddy Vlad still has your back, though, Dotard! He says impeachment charges are completely made up, and since hes looked through every single file in the FBI and CIA by now, he should know! Side note: its hard not to notice that Putin is better at sticking up for his employees than Mike Pompeo is.
I wonder if Putin ever gets sore from pinching himself over the phenomenal luck hes had with the credulous rube he installed in the White House. The Manchurian Manchild has, weve just learned, haughtily dismissed the findings of his own intelligence agencies, and blindly accepted the debunked conspiracy theory that it was Ukraine, not Russia, who interfered in the 2016 election, because Putin told me. Its really that fuckin simple, isnt it? Comrade Donald, it truly would be easier for our two great nations to cooperate if we only knew the precise locations of all of your nuclear submarines. Ill send Mulvaney right over with a map, sir!
Oh, and Tulsi Gabbard voted present on both articles of impeachment, possibly because she and Bashar al-Assad agreed it would be a hilarious way to get attention and own the libs. People wonder why she pulls shit like this, and honestly, Im ready to give up on the notion that shes executing some clever plan to carve out a constituency only she can see; maybe shes just weird and mean and wrong about everything.
Since Mitch McConnell has decided to decorate the Senate chamber with Xmas lights that spell out I will not hold a fair impeachment trial ho ho ho, Nancy Pelosi decided she would not fill any Senators stockings with articles of impeachment, but will instead hang onto them for now, saying, Yall can stew in your own juices for a bit and since they are mostly wrinkly old dude juices, I cannot imagine that will be pleasant, anyhow, see you next year, tee hee.
Predictably retreating to his Klan rally safe space bubble, Tangerine Idi Amin played the hits for a crowd of feral assclowns in Battle Creek, Michigan, debuting his latest single, John Dingell is Probably in Hell Now HAW HAW HAW because in his twisted, self-centered, transactional worldview, Johns grieving widow Debbie owes him blind allegiance forever since he oh-so-magnanimously allowed flags to fly at half-mast when her husband passed. Lets just point out that ten thousand Donald Trumps wouldn't be worth the corn in John Dingells stool, and move on.
Now, the benefits of the President Liposuction Clinic Dumpsters tax scam might not be trickling down to his voter base, but his post-impeachment rage certainly is, as demonstrated by the deplorable radio host who wished for a nice school shooting to distract folks from his Turd Emperors legal woes. Also by the psychotic Iowa woman who ran her fucking Jeep off the road and onto the sidewalk, just to run over a 14-year-old girl because she thought the girl was Mexican. I think it sucks that stochastic terrorism is the one thing our president is good at.
Well, Jeff Van Drew completed his gooey metamorphosis from Stephen-Miller-denouncing conservative Democrat to loyal Trump sycophant, pledging undying support to his tiny-fingered new god. New Jersey Republicans are already salivating to replace Jeff with somebody genuinely batshit in their primary, and home-district Democrats cant wait to send him the bill for his treachery, so I hope he really sucks the marrow out of being the least trusted man in Congress for the one year he has left in electoral politics.
In the background of all the showier madness, the Republican Party continues their quest to strike down the Affordable Care Act in the courts, because they hate the American people and want them to suffer. As if we dont have enough shit on our plate, we get to wait around a few more months wondering if John Roberts still believes the serfs deserve health care, how fun!
Mark Meadows will not seek reelection in 2020, leaving an unusually malodorous void in the House GOPs Shrieking Nitwit Caucus. I guess Gym Jordon will just have to vomit propaganda for two, and I apologize if this has made anybody visualize a pregnant Gym Jordan, because that would be super gross oh no now Im thinking about it too and hes lying on a hospital bed and now a screechy little Mini-Gym just burst through his belly like in Alien and excuse me I have to go puke.
Im not gonna pretend Id ever heard of Christianity Today magazine before they published the op-ed heard round the Evangelical world, pointing out that Government Cheese Goebbels absolutely should be removed from office for his crimes which are also sins in case anybodys forgotten, and that the Venn diagram of Trumpism and true Christianity is two circles a million light years apart, but apparently theyre a big deal. Anyway, the Grand High Priest of Turd Worship wasted little time excommunicating the heretics, confident his hold on his cult would prove stronger than any silly ol Bible. Im not optimistic hes wrong, but we shall see.
Im not a super religious guy, myself, but Id like to see Jesus come back, if only to watch Cult45 turn on him after two or three enraged tweets. Loser messiah likes washing Feet? Very unsanitary, probably a sex thing BUILD THE WALL
It was inevitable, I suppose, so everybody congratulate the GOP on their very first elected representative/domestic terrorist hybrid, Washington states Matt Shea! This dude doesnt just dabble in terrorism, by the way, were talking about multiple acts of armed insurrection, multiple calls to violence, training young people for holy war, all while serving in the Washington House for a decade. Anyway, hell be pardoned and in the cabinet by Arbor Day.
I literally refuse to describe what Matt Fucking Bevin said. Wont do it. Yeah, this is right after the Republican Politician is a Terrorist paragraph, and yeah, profanity is sort of my brand, but its Bevins words and deeds that are truly profane. Click the link if you want, but Matt, go fuck yourself with a rusty trowel, you horror of a human.
Sarah Huckleberry Slanders seized an opportunity during Thursdays Democratic presidential debate to raise her stock with the Absolute Shitsack voting bloc, mocking Joe Biden for showing a little human compassion towards those who, like himself, battle stuttering. Like her awful father, the Uncredible Huck believes telling a joke means saying some hateful and laughing immediately afterwards. Remember this moment the next time she tries to lecture us about civility, okay?
Jeff Flake published another mewling little op-ed, begging his former Republican Senate colleagues to act with more courage than Jeff Flake could ever seem to muster. We appreciate the thought, bro, but the fight is, as ever, in the hands of folks who didnt run away when shit got hard.
A Committee To Re-Elect the Crotchrash official admitted that voter suppression remains a key pillar of their strategy in must-win Wisconsin, and theyre pulling out all the stops for 2020! Its a hilarious admission that they cant actually earn the votes of the majority of the electorate, and also a terrifying declaration that they dont give a flying fuck, and will hold onto power by any means necessary. Hope yall are ready for a fight next year, is all Im sayin.
On the good news front, it appears theres an ebola vaccine now. I bet if if you sprinkled it on William Barrs breakfast oatmeal, hed crumble to dust and blow away on the wind.
Ok, that should tide everybody over till next week. In the meantime, Ive been teasing yall that something new and wonderful and fun is coming, right? Lets take the teaser one step further, shall we...
Ok, I dont know how to get that image in here. But click on over to http://showercapblog.com/i-know-things-look-dark-friends-but-fear-not-jeff-flake-will-save-ushahahahahahahweredoomed/, and youll see what Im talkin about!)
...coming soon!
njhoneybadger
(3,910 posts)sure if I found a couple hits of 30 year old acid or belong in an insane asylum
CaliforniaPeggy
(149,699 posts)Thanks for the advance look at your new project.
It looks great!
Lugnut
(9,791 posts)littlemissmartypants
(22,804 posts)One of your best.
Long live The Ferret and Shower Cap and here's to unlimited success with
!
I'm excited!
Hugin
(33,200 posts)There's a fine howdy-do. I can't say I wasn't expecting it to happen. (Unlike, the Tangeranus himself, apparently. ) And, in his first "term", too. Ouch!
Always, outdoing Obama... That guy.
Asterisk or Sphincter? You be the judge. However, in official correspondence, I would suggest the IPOTUS* never put parenthesis around his new albatross.
Truth be told, it's not only time Old Yeller has had that particular typographical symbol applied to his maladministration. The first being awarded for being installed into office by someone gaming the Electoral College. So, I suppose he has two... Hovering above his head at night like deranged Mickey Mouse ears. No wonder he tweets.
Thanks again, Cap. I look forward to the roll-out of your latest project.
I can't stress self care enough in times like these. Be sure to include enough antioxidants and fiber in your diet.