Civil War II: The One Over the Post Office? (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Oh wow, things sure are zany these days. Zany zany zany. There’s this zany fascist destroying American democracy from the inside out, which is totally wacky and not at all terrifying. Well, I sure hope I’m not living through the Constitution’s dying days ha ha ha lots of jokes in this very funny political comedy blog tonight hoo ha.
(Get all the laffs, in living color, with nifty news links, here: http://showercapblog.com/civil-war-ii-the-one-over-the-post-office/)
On the ratfucking front, Jared Kushner has been illegally coordinating with Kanye West’s spoiler campaign/public meltdown, which I guess is more important than fighting the coronavirus outbreak, right, Jar-Jar? Yes, this ridiculous plot will likely shift only a tiny handful of votes, but that’s how they pulled it off last time: a leaked e-mail here, a Comey letter there, two scoops of plump, juicy Russian interference...no reason to let ‘em get away with anything, says I.
Seems Hairplug Himmler’s Ambassador to the U.K. is a sexist, racist shitbiscuit who uses his office to further the Grand Wizard Grifter’s personal financial interests. Folks, the world would’ve ground to a complete halt if this crap happened under Obama, and Mitch McConnell would be leading a Brooks Brothers Torch-n-Pitchfork Mob to the White House right now. Today we’re all, “Fucking of course they’re all bigots, now if you’ll excuse me, I have to save the motherfucking Post Office from Nazis, don’t bother me with this shit!”
Yeah, this Post Office thing is doubleplusungood, Resisters. That tiny, malignant brain that can’t comprehend trade or NATO or umbrellas has drawn a thick line, in half-chewed crayon, from VOTE BY MAIL MAKE ME LOSE BIGLY straight to ME AM IN CHARGE OF MAIL, GOODY and it’s clear now he’ll do anything he can get away with to hinder, or even remove our right to vote him out of power.
We’ve been hearing for a while now about the changes ordered by the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor’s new Poststooge General, directives that massively undermine the institution’s efficiency in the name of...increasing efficiency, take a bow, Mr. Orwell. His flunkies have removed vital sorting machines from mail processing centers, without even offering an excuse, because of course there is none; they’re simply destroying the Postal Service’s capacity to carry out its duties, in order to make it harder to safely vote during a pandemic.
Monologuing like a halfwit Bond villain, Gameshow Göring couldn’t help but brag about his scheme, confessing that he is indeed obstructing the USPS funding needed to administer a fair election, and that he intends to keep on doing so. Take another bow, Mr. Orwell. You may want to just stay out here ‘till the end of the blog, honestly.
In the event you were wondering how quickly a cornered fascist desperate to dodge legal comeuppance would escalate his authoritarian attack on America’s voting infrastructure, the answer is Holy Fuck I Didn’t Think He Could Move That Fast. Because before you could even register your outrage at the unprecedented fuckery already perpetrated, the Treasonweasel Administration started literally stealing our motherfucking mailboxes.
It turns out that whole disappearing-folks-off-the-goddamn-streets thing was a test run for an operation targeting not people, but mailboxes. Yes, those big blue collection bins are being removed, in broad daylight, from Oregon to Montana to New York. By your government. To keep you from voting.
The Post Office is literally crying for help, warning us that it may already be too late to fight the sabotage. No jokes here, friends, this is really bad shit. We’re in danger. It’s happening here. Can’t say I’m a fan. Anyway, fight it with every breath in your body.
Also...he wasn’t doing shit about the coronavirus before, but now that he understands that the more out of control it gets, the easier it’ll be to steal our right to vote, holy fuck we’re in trouble. It was one thing when he just didn’t care how many people died, y’know? Meet the new Legion of Doom: Donald Trump, COVID-19, and Kanye West.
(This space intentionally left blank to allow the reader time to scream JESUS TITTYFUCKING CHRIST HOW DID IT COME TO THIS at the top of their lungs, for however long is necessary.)
Shout out to Senator Ron Johnson for providing comic relief on our descent into fascism, cloddishly confessing that yes, he is indeed abusing the power of his post for his Turd Emperor’s political benefit. Fuck, RoJo’s Russian disinformation-laundering is too treasonous for even his Senate Republican colleagues, who never met a Trump crime they wouldn’t enable. You’re like Nazi Dogberry, Ron; you truly put the ‘idiot’ in ‘useful idiot.’ PS, what the FUCK, Wisconsin, you had RUSS FEINGOLD.
Against a grandmaster of political chess like Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot, Smilin’ Joe Biden is hopelessly outmatched. Yes, while the hapless Dem nominee offers plans to contain the coronavirus outbreak and rebuild the economy, it is Littlefinger who shrewdly reads the electoral tea leaves, understanding that while a crippling pandemic and depression-level unemployment may snag a headline or two, 2020 is destined to be a Showerhead Pressure election. And Mike Pants is shrieking about meat. Let me just say that I understand how these assclowns came to the conclusion that they’d need to cheat to win.
And yeah, the coronavirus is still beating the living fuck out of the United States of America, so mercilessly as to cry out for Jim Ross commentary. 1,485 deaths this last Wednesday, the most since May. School reopenings are, tragically, going exactly as everyone knew they would. None of this is a surprise, of course; we continue to behave in a manner that is fully understood to facilitate the virus’ spread, because idiots are in charge. Public officials should be capable of learning, y’know? Public officials should be unwilling to sacrifice their constituents’ lives to an obviously deranged con man’s ego. I guess that’s a lesson we needed to learn the hard way.
You’ll never believe this, but before the denizens of the right wing media jagosphere could teach themselves to pronounce “Kamala,” they launched a coordinated racist birther attack on our shiny new Vice Presidential nominee. I don’t know if this can get any clearer at this point: it’s a white supremacist death cult against the rest of us. I know which side I’m on, and I know they can’t beat us without cheating, but...holy fuck are they cheating.
The Fascist Farthuffer’s Former Fixer, Michael Cohen, certainly knows how to launch a marketing campaign. Like, he’s coming to the Defenestrated Shartworld Accomplice Tell-All genre kinda late, and on top of an already-competitive market, you’ve got the Senate GOP dropping atomic turds on a battered and brutalized economy, so budgets are tight, and basically, if you’ve got piss stories, you wanna lead with ‘em. I mean, I wouldn’t give you any money if you put a gun to my head, ya cheap thug, but I applaud your moxie.
I know you’re numb to the phenomenon of the institutional GOP failing tests of basic human decency, but like, they didn’t have to break out the good china for Frothy QAnon Believer/Holy Fucking Shit Really and Truly About to Be a U.S. Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene. An immediate presidential endorsement? A warm welcome from Minority Leader McCarthy? What, in the end, do you useless cowards STAND FOR? Fuck it. Sanity is partisan now, I guess.
An amazing, long-sought moment of clarity in the Briefing Room, when a reporter finally asked Dorito Mussolini, after all the carnage wrought by his insidious dishonesty, after 170,000 deaths with perhaps as many yet to come, does he maybe regret lying to us so fucking much? Is there a shred of recognition anywhere in that Adderall-saturated, garbanzo-sized brain that he’s caused all this needless suffering by stealing a job he was never qualified to take on? If you had it to do all over again, would you maybe spare the world the cancer of your “leadership?”
...and the dead, empty confusion in his eyes, like “what is this ‘regret’ of which you speak? Next question!” Just...like, are there worse people? Surely five or ten, somewhere on Earth, right? We didn’t really make the single most terrible human being out of billions the President...did we?
The Government Accountability Office found that the Goebbels Boys over at DHS, aka Chad Wolf and KKKen Cuccinelli, were appointed to their “acting” posts illegally, meaning the police state crackdown in Portland was ordered by basically a couple of crooks who broke into a distressingly-powerful Cabinet office and just started pushing buttons. I feel like the country deserves a few more safeguards before jackbooted thugs in military gear get dispatched to disappear American citizens into unmarked vehicles...like, I know Biden’s to-do list is already substantial, but FUCK.
Anyway, yeah, I’m spending most of my time these days worrying about the Post Office, which is definitely not how I imagined my life would turn out back in the glory days of theatre classes and Miller Genuine Draft. Well, the beer’s better now, anyway...
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