General Discussion
Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsYour Sunday Morning Paraprosdokians :-)
Paraprosdokians* are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is
surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ...but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them
speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge, is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of an emergency, notify..."
I answered "a doctor."
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald
head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
* I had to look up the meaning as well
CaliforniaPeggy
(149,739 posts)Greybnk48
(10,177 posts)I think this was comedian Steven Wright's schtick primarily.
underpants
(182,951 posts)We have quote of the day at our morning staff conference calls. Ive heard some of these there but I can use some too. Thanks.
SheltieLover
(57,073 posts)And laughs! Ty, Malaise!
safeinOhio
(32,736 posts)N_E_1 for Tennis
(9,788 posts)Much needed humor Sunday!
gratuitous
(82,849 posts)Heh.
malaise
(269,222 posts)JHB
(37,163 posts)dmr
(28,349 posts)"Where's the baby?"
"Which part?"
Karadeniz
(22,587 posts)apcalc
(4,465 posts)He would say it isnt speed that kills....its that sudden stop.
malaise
(269,222 posts)JHB
(37,163 posts)"It's not the fall. It's the landing."
calimary
(81,527 posts)malaise
(269,222 posts)yonder
(9,682 posts)lunatica
(53,410 posts)but I was wrong.
lastlib
(23,329 posts)but i was mistaken.
Heartstrings
(7,349 posts)Laughing out loud here! Thanks, Malaise!
tblue37
(65,502 posts)lunatica
(53,410 posts)live longer.
crickets
(25,987 posts)malaise
(269,222 posts)said Don the murderous Con
Tracer
(2,769 posts)Nice new word.
eleny
(46,166 posts)What do you want to be or a nurse?
or take your lunch
eleny
(46,166 posts)So wish we were neighbors!!!
siriuslll
(23 posts)You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
malaise
(269,222 posts)Clever
Karadeniz
(22,587 posts)To Trump!
grantcart
(53,061 posts)calimary
(81,527 posts)Last edited Sun Aug 16, 2020, 01:52 PM - Edit history (1)
Especially here!
Who knew?
Thanks, malaise! I read all these to my husband (who loves wordplay like this, also) and he approves, too!
malaise
(269,222 posts)Last week he sent this one
Words that are spelled the same but pronounced with emphasis on different syllables literally tell us how to pronounce them. Stress on the first syllable is a noun; stress on the last syllable is a verb. Content, record, contract, impact, address, object and others.
I replied thus - Ï was content with the content.
English speakers know this instinctively, but it is useful for persons learning English.
calimary
(81,527 posts)Shit, I LOVE this stuff.
Virtual
malaise
(269,222 posts)so it was ready and waiting for my good friend.
lagomorph777
(30,613 posts)malaise
(269,222 posts)cayugafalls
(5,646 posts)malaise
(269,222 posts)a man of 55.
JHB
(37,163 posts)...a president of four-five
malaise
(269,222 posts)She was way smarter than 45
JHB
(37,163 posts)Though at three I was smarter and better mannered than 45 too. But there were impulses for which I learned how to act in public, and for which he never, ever did (and reveled in not doing so).
malaise
(269,222 posts)even after all this time. He never controls his impulses
cayugafalls
(5,646 posts)I'm 60 and still working on it.
dmr
(28,349 posts)Didn't Mueller indict him?
malaise
(269,222 posts)KY_EnviroGuy
(14,496 posts)That's Trump's primary method of governing. Just throw some shit out there and see what sticks....
Great stuff for a Sunday's easy time. Thanks, Malaise!.......
malaise
(269,222 posts)PCIntern
(25,601 posts)My fave of all time:
"I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don't know I'm using blanks." Emo Philips
malaise
(269,222 posts)Great one
A friend sent them to me.
alwaysinasnit
(5,075 posts)malaise
(269,222 posts)lindysalsagal
(20,747 posts)malaise
(269,222 posts)denbot
(9,901 posts)3catwoman3
(24,072 posts)...thread.
And fascinating about the syllable emphasis and part of speech. Never thought about that.
oasis
(49,429 posts)Hekate
(90,867 posts)Delmette2.0
(4,174 posts)I was a front line supervisor in a financial office. My staff didn't know it was pointed at my immediate boss and the boss had no clue. It wasn't up there for very long.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
malaise
(269,222 posts)Mopar151
(10,003 posts)Mopar151
(10,003 posts)"Nobody goes there anymore - it's too crowded!"
malaise
(269,222 posts)They say Churchill was a master at this
Mopar151
(10,003 posts)burrowowl
(17,653 posts)RestoreAmerica2020
(3,439 posts)malaise
(269,222 posts)BComplex
(8,073 posts)I love all of these!! Malaise, you're the best!!
malaise
(269,222 posts)He deserves the credit
MerryBlooms
(11,773 posts)But I'm not drinking any less.
malaise
(269,222 posts)MerryBlooms
(11,773 posts)shanti
(21,675 posts)Thank you, ma'am! At first, I thought it had something to do with Armenians!
Pathwalker
(6,600 posts)n/t
BadGimp
(4,021 posts)I like, thanks!
malaise
(269,222 posts)genxlib
(5,544 posts)Walk a mile in someones shoes before you criticize them. That way, when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and you will have their shoes.
tclambert
(11,087 posts)tclambert
(11,087 posts)C'mon, God, he's on the golf course all the time. What more opportunity do you need?
malaise
(269,222 posts)lagomorph777
(30,613 posts)Is that plagiarism or research?
malaise
(269,222 posts)keithbvadu2
(36,962 posts)malaise
(269,222 posts)Good one
wendyb-NC
(3,335 posts)I learned something new today, what those short, witty are called, paraprosdokians, that grab your attention, but with a twist. You hear or read the first part expecting a fable, but the ending is a play on our humor. I laughed out loud! Thank for the break for my all caught up in seriousness, the current reality with the abominable scumbag in the white house. A break is necessary from the constant din of dread. Thanks again, malaise.
malaise
(269,222 posts)from the madness of King Con