'Tell The World I Also Had Asthma,' Conservative Begs Doctor Before Dying Of Coronavirus

[Zorro]

JACKSON, TN—Insisting through coughs that he refused to let the physician politicize his death, local conservative man Paul Welles reportedly begged his doctor Friday to “tell the world I also had asthma” before dying of coronavirus.

“Tell everyone who will listen that it wasn’t coronavirus that killed me—it was asthma, and high cholesterol, and blood pressure!” the dying Trump supporter reportedly told the hospital staff between gasps for breath, demanding that they write down his cause of death as heart failure or respiratory issues.

“I refuse to die from coronavirus. Tell them that I didn’t take my health seriously, I smoked for nearly 20 years, and I didn’t eat a very healthy diet. Any of those things is bound to be more responsible for my death than the coronavirus. I refuse to be a statistic. Promise me—goddammit, promise that you’ll tell everyone it was a pre-existing condition and coronavirus had nothing to do with it. Tell them I was statistically more likely to get hit by a bus.”

At press time, the conservative man’s dying words were reportedly “I am old.”

https://local.theonion.com/tell-the-world-i-also-had-asthma-conservative-begs-d-1844932197

It's the Onion, folks...

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

1. Jeez, I was halfway through this before I figured out it was satire.

And I'm usually pretty good at catching satire right away. It must be getting harder and harder to write for the Onion these days.

[2naSalit]

2. I did too!

[Silent3]

3. Half way I was merely suspicious, it took 3/4 of the way through to be sure for me. n/t

[lagomorph777]

5. I missed it entirely until you pointed it out.

[Aristus]

9. Me too.

Satire is dead...

[marybourg]

15. Me too. The naked truth is worse than what can be

conjured up by a satirist, today.

[JI7]

36. I had to actually see the onion link

[samnsara]

39. me too cuz i could totally see it happening!

[brush]

4. Sorry, I don't get "The Onion". What's the point of fooling people with seemingly serious stories?

Same with "The Borowitz Report".

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

7. That's the whole point of satire.

You mock the reality of a thing by pushing it just a little further. If you do it right it's brilliant and funny, but these days reality is so far down the rabbit hole that the final push to make it funny has become awfully difficult to pull off.

[fleur-de-lisa]

10. Sometimes we need to laugh to keep from going insane.

I know I do.

[ret5hd]

12. It is not about "fooling" people...

it is about pointing out the ludicrous ideas/positions/ideologies/dogmas that some people have.

The fact that it "fools" you is just pointing out how prevalent such ideas are.

[brush]

16. You're actually saying the headline and lead don't fool people to keep reading...

until they find out it's satire?

I don't agree.

[ret5hd]

21. Huhhmmm...what I wrote:

"The fact that it "fools" you is just pointing out how prevalent such ideas are."

Where did I say it isn't intended to fool you?

[brush]

27. Ahhhh...did I misread you post title?

[ret5hd]

28. Ohhh...I see. Let me clarify:

When I used the word "about" I meant it as describing the overall effect, the gestalt (an organized whole that is perceived as more than the sum of its parts) if you will, a misdirection, a sleight of hand...kind of the way magic isn't intended to make you believe someone can make an elephant disappear, but you kinda stop and go "whaaaa?".

[brush]

29. Clarity in writing is important.

[ret5hd]

32. Yes, I could define each word as I go, and define each word in the definition...

but at some point it would become pedantic, so at times I rely on the context of the text and the intelligence of the reader to impart the meanings of higher concepts. I truly apologize for my mud-like lack of clarity.

[brush]

33. You're very clear in your insult to me now. Good day to you.

[ret5hd]

35. Not at all...you misinterpreted. My apologies.

[J_William_Ryan]

6. Like all good satire

It contains much of the truth.

[Blues Heron]

8. So sick of satire in general

But this takes the cake for tastelessness

[Aristus]

11. Nah.

I'm pretty sure spittle-spraying, screeching Trumpanzees brachiating through grocery stores, pulling off peoples' masks and shrieking about their 'rights' takes the cake for tastelessness.

So a little gentle mocking of their collective idiocy is just fine by me...

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

14. "Brachiating through grocery stores"! LOL!

Thanks for the great visual!

[targetpractice]

24. I. LOVE. THIS. REPLY. n/t

[Aristus]

26. Thank you...

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

13. Satire is the highest, smartest and funniest form of humor if it's done right.

And The Onion has always been among the best of the popular modern satirists. If it's tasteless, which a lot of satire is, that's how the point is made, because the satire is of the tastelessness of the situation being satirized. 180,000 people dead of covid19 is tasteless. Conservatives pretending it isn't real is tasteless. The Onion nailed the point, and the fact that it was a spoof wasn't immediately obvious makes their point that much more effectively. I love good satire.

[Blues Heron]

17. I hate it - sick of it.

It's not funny, none of it is. It diminishes whats going on. It's counterproductive.

[Aristus]

18. My respectful disagreement with that point of view is embodied in my sig line.

n/t

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[The Velveteen Ocelot]

20. I beg to differ, but to each his/her own.

I have to laugh so I don't cry, and The Onion can make me

[Blues Heron]

34. Cool, just not feeling it these days

Glad your getting some relief from it!

[smirkymonkey]

19. +1000

Usually I can tell pretty much immediately that it's satire, but this one really took me in. I am beginning to think that satire really is on death's doorstep.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

23. I don't think it's dead, but it's become a lot more difficult to do well.

[DFW]

22. I got it at "local conservative man."

A little less heavy, and it might have fooled me, but they laid it on kinda thick.

Still funny!

[LAS14]

25. How does The Onion survive in this day and age? This could easily have been a true story, and...

.. I thought it was until I read down to the link. Jeeezzze.

[jeffreyi]

30. Ya had me.

I admit it.

[dalton99a]

31. Our reality is worse than The Onion.

[Mr. Ected]

37. Substitute the name "Herman Cain" for Paul Welles

And most likely the story remains the same, but is no longer satire.

[csziggy]

38. I guess some here won't get this: The Onion Calls it Quits

The Onion Calls it Quits
David Harris Gershon
Monday May 27, 2013 · 12:10 AM EDT

For nearly 25 years, The Onion has been satirizing American politics and society with unparalleled brilliance. However, the fake news publication – or "America's Finest News Source" – has sadly and stunningly announced that it will cease operations in 2014.

In a press release, The Onion's Editor-In-Chief, Will Tracy, explained what led to the publication's difficult decision:

The Onion has always been recognized as a first-rate satirical publication, making fun of all that is absurd in our socio-political world. However, in today's contemporary political environment, our brand has simply gotten muddled. And I can say with clarity that today's GOP is fully to blame.

[...]

It used to be that political satire was easy. All one had to do was find the absurd buried beneath the surface of a given story and employ satire to highlight that absurdity. To shine a light on it.

Now? Now you have headlines showing up in mainstream publications like "Kansas Republican Actually Opposes the Poor Buying More Food" and "Conservatives Less Likely to Buy Energy Efficient Bulbs if Labeled as Environmentally Friendly."

The absurdity of conservatives in this country has completely destroyed our business. Republicans have ruined us. Period.

New readers to The Onion can't tell anymore that we are a satirical publication. And established readers have been leaving our pages, finding greater absurdity at places like CNN and USA Today.

More: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2013/5/26/1211908/-The-Onion-Calls-it-Quits

And that was before Dolt45!