The Married Will Soon Be the Minority

[Demovictory9]

Some people were delaying marriage. But others were forgoing it altogether.

This trend has only continued, and we are now nearing a milestone. This month, the Pew Research Center published an analysis of census data showing that in 2019 the share of American adults who were neither married nor living with a partner had risen to 38 percent, and while that group “includes some adults who were previously married (those who are separated, divorced or widowed), all of the growth in the unpartnered population since 1990 has come from a rise in the number who have never been married.”

This came on the heels of data released by the National Center for Health Statistics last year, which showed that marriage rates in 2018 had reached a record low.

We are nearing a time when there will be more unmarried adults in the United States than married ones, a development with enormous consequences for how we define family and adulthood in general, as well as how we structure taxation and benefits.

Of course, the unmarried and unpartnered portions of the population vary among demographic groups. As Pew pointed out:

Among those ages 25 to 54, 59 percent of Black adults were unpartnered in 2019. This is higher than the shares among Hispanic (38 percent), white (33 percent) and Asian (29 percent) adults. For most racial and ethnic groups, men are more likely than women to be unpartnered. The exception is among Black adults, where women (62 percent) are more likely to be unpartnered than men (55 percent).

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/10/20/opinion/marriage-decline-america.html

[RFCalifornia]

1. Good. Marriage is a property contract, nothing else

There's no rule whereby you have to get married

[NurseJackie]

15. Sure, in part. But you've oversimplified it and dismisses much.

For those who aren't as cynical, it's much more than that for so many reasons other than being a "property contract".

💖

[BannonsLiver]

18. Way to knock that nonsense down, Jackie.

[JanMichael]

35. My god. This is a first. I agree. Nt

[NurseJackie]

36. Strange days, huh?

[malletgirl02]

38. That dismissal is small

in what unmarried people experience all the time. Unmarried people are often viewed as less than than married people.

[smirkymonkey]

44. Even by their own family.

As well as by society at large. It's like you aren't a member of the "Official Adult Club" yet.

[RFCalifornia]

62. Fuck those people

Look, I've been married for over 20 years and I love my wife dearly

But marriage isn't for everyone, and it isn't for every couple

Our problem is we attached some kind of romantic nonsense to it and expect it to improve relationships, etc

It's just a contract

IF someone thinks you're lesser because your not married then FUCK THEM

They're toxic and not worth being around

[RFCalifornia]

63. You can have a fulfilling, loving, monogamous relationship without being married

You can raise kids without being married

You can even have a wedding without getting officially married

I've been married over 20 years and I love my wife dearly

But, it's not for everyone, and not for every couple

[NurseJackie]

64. Yes.

[Hortensis]

17. Doesn't that depend entirely on the people involved? I'm agreeing

tthat marriage doesn't have to be a sacred union and that there should be no rule requiring people to marry. And that no matter what else individuals invest in them, the government only officiates over civil contracts and nothing more.

Any sacred element or commitment of two people to each other has to come from them, but for many it does.

In any case, that people, especially women, no longer "have" to be married to be fully accepted members of most western societies anyway is an enormous advance for individual freedom.

[CrackityJones75]

22. Nothing else? GTFOH.

Marriage has been several different things since its inception. But I can guaran-damn-tee you there isn’t an ownership clause between my wife and I. There is a commitment to one and other that we made not lightly. And we have drawn upon that commitment from time to time. Could we have done the same just saying it to each other without a marriage certificate? Possibly. But what then is the difference between that and having a girlfriend?

O do get a kick out the statements here on this site that come off as edgy when in reality they are just insulting other people’s choices. Edge on.

[malletgirl02]

37. You just got a small taste

of what unmarried people experience. Unmarried people are criticized all the time for being unmarried. Although it is much smaller than in the past there is still a social stigma for people of a certain age, especially women to be unmarried. Unmarried women have been called "old maids" and "spinsters". Unmarried people are often view as less adult less moral, and simply less than over all than married people.

[smirkymonkey]

45. +1000

And you always have people wondering about your sexuality if you are past a "certain age" and unmarried. Especially if you are not with a long term significant other. It's so annoying.

[raccoon]

46. I second that emotion, what you and Malletgirl02 said. Nt

[Boomerproud]

47. Damn straight.

I could write a ream but it wouldn't do any good.

[CrackityJones75]

49. Yeah yer right. Two wrongs make a right.

WTFE.

[malletgirl02]

61. So Much

For trying to engage, I should have let the snarky response stand. The fact that you completely disregarded my point speaks volumes.

[Klaralven]

31. It also establishes a lot of rights and responsibilities

Particularly with respect to any children of the married couple.

[hunter]

65. My own hard core Catholic forever marriage is much more than a "property contract... "

... and was an agreement enthusiastically embraced by my wife and myself.

In no possible circumstance would I ever demand the same sort of commitment from anyone uncertain.

My first serious relationship, before I met my wife, was a David Lynch version of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." That relationship was based upon my ex's naive desire to prove to herself and her family she was straight. She wasn't straight.

She ended up marrying the young woman who'd meant to kill herself in my bathtub. That was 1979.

So much for cute meets.

That marriage was established long before same-sex marriage existed. As a wealthy person my ex did have high-power lawyers to handle the property contracts which were necessary then, especially when they had children and bought their first house on the California coast. But beyond that it was still a marriage, decades before same sex marriage had been formalized in law.

To anyone who thinks getting married is some kind of ticket to true adulthood, or to appease their parent's religious or cultural beliefs, please don't.

[BigmanPigman]

2. The number of people who claim to be

regularly religious has dropped too..

[LakeArenal]

3. Perfect. Real freedom of choice.

[DFW]

4. You either do or you don't. Pieces of paper determine the bureaucracy, not how you feel.

My wife and I wanted to get married. My brother HAD to get married, or else his wife couldn't stay in the USA.

Oh, and we had a double wedding. His wife is from Japan, and she couldn't stay in the USA just because she wanted to spend some time with her American boyfriend (i.e. my brother). His high security clearance even meant that she had to get US citizenship (his kind of people can't be married to "furriners," or at least couldn't in the early 1980s). As it turned out,it was good for her career, too. As a woman bank teller in Japan in 1980, the best she could hope for in those days was to stay as a woman bank teller. Less than ten years after moving to Washington, she was vice-director of the World Bank. She got the Asia desk (DUH). Needless to say, both their sons have IQs that push the upper limits.

Since both my brother and I are married to women from different countries (Germany for me, Japan for him), marriage facilitated both residency and work permits, as well as our children getting dual nationality at birth. That's the bureaucracy part. We are still with the women of our choice because all four of us WANT to be. Should that not have been the case, separating would have been more complicated--except that none of us wanted to separate.

Funny detail--the Washington press (unofficially, of course) called our double wedding the Axis wedding. I will say that the parents' table at the reception dinner was hilarious to watch, with our American parents gesturing, smiling and not understanding a word of what their new German and Japanese in-laws were saying.

In short, I am very happy to be married to my wife, but as long as she stayed with me, I would have been just as happy without the paperwork.

[shrike3]

9. Marriage provides protection that is very tedious to put in place individually.

A relative of mine lived for years with his girlfriend. What did a piece of paper have to do with how they felt about each other?

Then he got into a serious accident. She found out the hard way that his parents were next of kin, not her. As soon as he was well enough, they got married.

There was a situation in California where a couple in their forties lived in a gorgeous oceanside house. Which was in his name. He died in a car accident. She had thirty days to get out of his family's house, because she was not his wife and so had no claim on the house.

I think it's fine if people live together, but if they're going to be long-term they should see a lawyer regarding assets, etc. Be very pragmatic, make sure the ts are crossed and the i's dotted.

[DFW]

10. The same thing happened to a client of my wife's too

She was a social worker here in Germany before she retired. A women of almost no means fell in love with a rich guy whose family disapproved of her (not good enough for their brother, etc., you know the script). She moved in with him for a few years, but they never formalized the relationship or got married.

Indeed, when he died, just like you described, she was given a few weeks to clear out of the house they had lived in for years, and was tossed penniless out into the street because they had thought they would both live happily forever after, but the guy had left nothing on paper to state that such was his intention in case anything happened to him. He dropped dead of a heart attack suddenly, and his girlfriend-not-wife was tossed aside by his blood relatives like so much excess garbage.

[shrike3]

20. Sad to say, when people are in love they don't think of the practicalities.

And unfortunately, we all think we're going to live forever.

[DFW]

26. There are exceptions. One of our daughters is a major one.

She thinks the world of her partner, has had two children with him, and considers him her life's partner, but doesn't want to get married. He did that once, and is still suffering the consequences. They both have had immense professional and financial success, and she has been extremely careful not mix oil with water. She either thinks of everything, or tries to. They are so successful and well off, independently of each other, that she never wants one to suffer misfortune in case the other should mess up.

I know my daughter--she will never mess up. At this point, it's practically impossible for her to do so, even if she wanted to. But she's a woman. We men are far better at messing up than they are.

[shrike3]

27. That's the way it should be done.

Most of the people who tell me they don't want to get married do the "what does a piece of paper have to do with it" don't realize, you'd better have lots of pieces of paper in place if you don't want to get married.

I've talked to people who've done POA, all that stuff. Most of them have already been married a few times, and don't see any benefit to the marriage thing. Understandable, if they've got their own pensions, own homes, why mingle things?

I must confess though, I'm cynical. It often seems that "what does a piece of paper have to do with what we feel about each other" really means, "If this doesn't work out, I don't want you to have any of my stuff."

You're in Europe, I seem to remember France had a program for "registering" your union, gay or straight. Maybe I'm misremembering, but it sounded so sensible. Most relationships end, and why not have parameters for when they do.

[Hortensis]

5. Trends tend to generate their own changes, both other directions and counter

to themselves. A period of prosperity and improvement of problems alone, after Democrats managed to create that, would counter a couple of the many factors contributing to this trend -- economic insecurity and anxiety about the future.

We don't have to stop global warming, for instance, to tamp down the mostly unspoken anxiety resulting from that. Just knowing we were taking the serious, meaningful actions we should be would do wonders.

In any case, I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for the married to become a minority. A $20 says it won't be "soon."

[meadowlander]

11. I think it's more than an economic trend.

Kids being socialised primarily via video games and the internet have eroded social skills and motivation. The pandemic has exacerbated this and more people doing online schooling and work is just going to make it worse.

More people are choosing not to have kids for ethical/ecological reasons. If you're never planning to have kids it takes away some of the motivation to entangle yourself legally and financially with another person for the long term.

Lots of women who 50 years ago couldn't get a job which paid enough to make it as a singleton now have a lot more career options.

Lots of younger people graduate college with so much student debt, such high housing costs, and such poor starting wages (if they can get a job) that going out and socialising is too expensive.

Fewer people are religious, have qualms about getting an abortion or see the need to get married asap to fulfill God's plan.

I don't see a "counter-trend" emerging to the above any time soon.

[Hortensis]

12. Good list. All those things too, certainly.

[malletgirl02]

39. Remote Work

First remote work is work. People who work remotely are not lazy. Secondly working remotely still takes social skills. Even though I am not in person with my customers and co workers I still needed to think about how I come across to them. I still need to use my social skills in emails and phone calls

[meadowlander]

42. I didn't say any of those things.

Of course it's still work, remote workers aren't lazy and they still need to use social skills.

I work remotely full time too. But the difference I've noticed is that it's a lot harder to:
a.) randomly meet people in the break room who aren't on my team and that I'm not working on a specific project with
b.) just have an extended chat about non-work related matters when I'm calling someone up specifically as opposed to running into them in the elevator
c.) meeting people on the bus, getting a coffee, having lunch in town, etc. since I don't need to leave my house most days
d.) arrange after works drinks or other activities with teammates where you can get to know them better outside of work

Statistically meeting fewer people and having fewer non-work related getting to know you conversations means fewer opportunities to develop strong relationships that could turn into a marriage prospect across the aggregated population.

I wasn't commenting about the impact of remote work on any one specific person's social skills.

[lagomorph777]

6. I cry at weddings...

...because I feel sorry for the victims, who have no idea yet.

[Hortensis]

16. Lol. Too true, but I don't bother feeling sorry for them when divorce is

so available, life usually so long, marriage not a sentence to domestic servitude, etc. We've attended a number of weddings over the years in which my secret best wishes are simply that, if what we all suspect turns out to be the case, they wrap it up and move on before she gets pregnant.

[shrike3]

21. And you never can tell which marriage is going to last.

I attended the wedding of childhood sweethearts. Their families loved each other. The ceremony and reception were beautifully planned.

I attended another wedding held in the basement of the groom's mother's house. The bride got tipsy and managed to simulate a pole dance in a room without a pole.

Guess which one lasted.

[Lancero]

32. Neither?

[shrike3]

51. Pole dancer couple turned out to be until death to us part.

He died last year, she was devastated. They raised two great kids. Childhood sweethearts lasted three years. Both remarried and are happy.

[Iggo]

53. Smart money guess.

Props.

[shrike3]

54. No. A wrong one.

[Iggo]

58. It was still a Smart Money Guess.

You win some. You lose some.

[shrike3]

59. He'd've lost this one.

Anyway, my point was, you can't tell from the outside looking in who's going to make it to the finish line.

That line from the old Chuck Berry song, "The old folks said, you never can tell."

[Xolodno]

7. Married for 23 years.

And we both agree, we would never do it again should one of us pass. Once is enough.

[lagomorph777]

23. Once is MORE than enough.

35 years of hell here.

[shrike3]

28. Sorry to hear that. My DH is my best friend.

But that's usually not the case.

[Xolodno]

67. Sorry to hear that.

We still have a lot of fun together. But we certainly had our share of trying times. But the thought of doing it all over and learning the nuances of a new person, makes us both say "no".

And we are both introverts, so it isn't like we need the attention. I was working on getting some letters added to my name and had to take an exam. Decided on driving out to Anaheim and dropped her off and Disneyland (since we had annual passes) and took the test nearby. She had a blast and we met up for dinner later.

[lagomorph777]

69. I wouldn't start over if single at some point.

(Her illness makes physical separation impossible). I would begin life anew and avoid any further entanglements.

[Redleg]

8. I'm right now going through divorce

Good times. Thirty years of a marriage that had some ups and downs like all relationships still has to be better than being alone in your late 50s.

[SKKY]

13. I went through one in my early 40s. So, I kinda feel you here...

...Being alone is relative because I felt more alone with my former spouse than when I was by myself. I understand each situation is different, but being "unattached" allowed me to see things, do things, and experience things I never would have otherwise. It gets better friend. It may get worse in the near term, but it does get better. And it doesn't really take that long either.

[lagomorph777]

24. Being with an incompatible spouse is more lonely than being alone.

[SKKY]

33. +1000...

...It's like that Stabbing Westward song, "Save Yourself". "And if I must be lonely, I think I'd rather be alone."

[Mossfern]

56. Absolutely true!

[brooklynite]

14. Read the story again...

the share of American adults who were neither married nor living with a partner

Yes fewer people are getting married, but also fewer people are entering long-term social relationships.

[shrike3]

30. You're right.

We're becoming a nation of islands.

[malletgirl02]

40. Just because

one is not married or in a long term relationship does not mean one is an "island". Enough stigmatizing single people.

[shrike3]

52. Didn't mean to offend. Most of my friends are single.

But it's a big change in culture. Might be a good one.

[Amishman]

19. I officiated a friend's wedding, on the condition that they sign a prenuptial agreement

I'm triple ordained (Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Church of Dude, Universal Life Church) and two friends asked me to marry them. I was very honored, but I know how many marriages end in divorce, and said I would only do it if they sign a prenuptial agreement.

They were initially pretty offended, but once I said I would feel extremely guilty if years from now it didn't work out and there was a financial mess on top of the human mess. (Significant pre marriage asset difference between them due to an inheritance)

They did it and I happily officiated their wedding. They're still married too.

[Marthe48]

25. I read a study years ago

That when people married, the man's mental health improved and the women's mental health declined. And upon separating, men's mental health declined and women's improved. It was so long ago, that the study only covered men and women. I wonder if there are newer studies that include same sex marriages?

As for another aspect, Ohio got rid of its common-law marriages, and who knows what other states have done? If people have relationships that blend finances, best have expectations laid out on paper!

[shrike3]

29. Yes, common law marriage is far less abundant than people think it is.

If you're not going to get married, get the expectations on paper.

People I know who've been divorced, once or more, have significant others they don't live with. Seems a good way to handle things.

[11 Bravo]

34. To each their own.

My marriage of 30+ years to my darling wife and the two amazing sons she has borne for us are the best things that have ever happened in my life.
And nothing else even comes close.

[malletgirl02]

41. I am very glad things worked for you.

It doesn't work out for everyone.

[KentuckyWoman]

43. I was married 62 years.

I would do it again. But I was lucky. We grew up in the same town and were friends a long time.

[Boomerproud]

48. Yes, you were lucky.

Sincerely happy for you.

[Devil Child]

50. Happy to be in the married minority

[shrike3]

55. When it works, it's great. When it doesn't -- well, you see the reaction here.

[Mossfern]

57. I advised my children when they were younger

never to feel pressured to be married. Not to feel that they need to live up to others' expectations.
Out of four, one is married, one is in a long term relationship, and two are happily single.

The ones who aren't married say that the reason is the rocky relationship they witnessed between me and my husband.
My daughter announced when she was 9 years old that she would never have children. When I asked her why, she said it was because she saw what she and her brothers put me through!

We all get along fine and often joke about my 'interesting' husband.
Yes, we're still married, but my therapy has changed the dynamic.

[shrike3]

60. Yes, definitely what you see at home influences your choices.

My parents had an awful marriage. All of us married, and all but one of us is still married to their first spouse. Sometimes you learn what not to do.

[Zeitghost]

66. That is sad

Going through life with a partner, with the official paperwork or without, is one of life's great joys.

[Arazi]

68. We're finally seeing the true nature of humanity without the false pressure to partner up

Being free to choose one's own life path without the pressure of having to partner up with someone(s) is actually a fantastic thing imo.

Being free to journey solo for some part of life, or all of it, isn't sad. If freely chosen its empowering.

Vive la difference!