New NFL-Military Partnership Sends First 1,000 Fans To Stand For National Anthem Off To War

[Zorro]

TENNESSEE—Deepening the ties between the two institutions, a new partnership between the NFL and the U.S. military unveiled Saturday would send the first 1,000 fans who stand for the national anthem off to war.

“The National Football League has long been a strong supporter of the troops who have sacrificed so much to give us the freedoms we enjoy, and we know our fans will be proud to join the military during our game,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell in a statement, adding that military recruiters would be in the stands to automatically enlist the first 1,000 fans who rose for the national anthem, train them, and then deploy them in war zones across the world.

“We want to honor our most patriotic NFL fans by putting a gun in their hand and sending them overseas. In addition to the first 1,000 fans to stand for the anthem being sent to war, anyone in the stands seen tearing up or humming along to our beautiful anthem will be sent to Syria or Afghanistan, or will be conscripted into the U.S. Marines or U.S. Navy in critical non-combat administrative roles. We know how much our fans support the mission of the U.S. military, so we thought there is no better way to give back than by joining it. This partnership will continue through the Super Bowl and during every game next season.”

At press time, the national anthem was halfway done while everyone in the stands, as well as both teams and coaching staffs, remained nervously seated, except for Titans quarterback Ryan Tannehill, who appeared confused as a military recruiter ushered him off the field and into a helicopter waiting to take him to basic training.

https://www.theonion.com/new-nfl-military-partnership-sends-first-1-000-fans-to-1848392989

[aquamarina]

1. I had to scroll to the end just to make sure

This wasn’t true. Sheesh.

[Eugene]

2. The Onion comes through, even in crazy times like these.