DU EXCLUSIVE: Transcript of alleged "Swatting" call to 911 regarding Marjorie Taylor Greene

[Tommy Carcetti]

[Note: On August 24, 2022, Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene alleged she was the victim of a so-called "Swatting" call to 911. "Swatting" is a tactic where a anonymous emergency call is made alerting police to a fake crisis situation at the victim's residence, resulting in a team of Special Weapons and Tactical--or SWAT--being called to respond to the situation and potentially endangering the victim. In the interests of full public disclosure, local authorities have made the decision to release the following transcript of the full and complete call at issue.]

[Call begins]

Dispatch (D): 911. What’s your emergency?

Caller (C): (in heavily affected deep male voice) Yes, this is Adolph Stalin. I’m the Grand Dragon Wizard and Executive Vice Secretary Treasurer of Antifa, Incorporated. “Allauh Akbar,” that’s our slogan. We love to eat your babies.

D: That’s not really important right now. Do you have an actual emergency to report?

C: Yes, I would like to report that Greene Lady.

D: I’m sorry. You’d like to report…a green lady? I don’t quite understand.

C: Yes! That Greene Lady! You know—Marjorie Taylor Greene? That Congresswoman who loves America and freedom so much and hilariously owning the libs. I’d like to report her.

D: Well, why? What is she doing?

C: Oh, I’m pretty sure she’s praying, and flying her flag, and eating real meat. And as we all know, President Sleepy Joe Biden—who I very much support—has expressly made all those things illegal and punishable by death. So, it’s my God-given duty by law to report her. Even though I actually hate God. Hail Satan!

D: Okay, ma’am…or, err, sir—

C: Hey! Hey! None of that pronoun nonsense there! I’m transgressive!

D: Yes, you most certainly are. Anyways, none of those things are actually illegal, so unless you have an actual emergency to report—

C: Fine, fine! She has guns!

D: So, you’re saying she’s armed?

C: Yes, she’s heavily armed. I heard she has all sorts of AR-15s. Which libtards like me think means “assault rifle,” but actually means “Armalite,” and that one fact alone automatically disqualifies us from ever discussing any sort of gun control. Ha-ha! Owned!

D: Again, that’s not really important. But you do say she has guns.

C: She has guns, and she intends to use them according to the true intended purpose of the 2nd Amendment, which everyone knows is to support the overthrow of a government that they believe has become tyrannical.

D: I copy. So, you say Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene is heavily armed and is seeking to overthrow the government.

C: Yes.

D: Very well. I’ll send someone over—

C: Wait! Wait! Did I say that? I didn’t mean to say that! That would just be silly and wrong.

D: I do believe it would be very wrong, yes.

C: But anyways, she does have guns and you should send the Gazpacho to her house right now.

D: The Gazpacho?

C: Yes, the Gazpacho. You know, the guys with all the guns and clubs and stuff.

D: You want me to send her soup?

C: Oh, you think you’re funny, don’t you? A real regular Catturd, eh?

D: I honestly don’t know who that is.

C: Of course you wouldn’t. Just send the police, okay? She’s doing some really terrible stuff over at her house. A real Peach Tree Dish of illegality.

D: And where are you right now at the moment?

C: I’m at the house next door, 5382 [REDACTED] Street.

D: Okay, I’m looking that up and…well, my records show that 5382 [REDACTED] Street is actually Congresswoman Taylor Greene’s house.

C: Dammit! I’m so terrible at numbers! You have to understand, nobody ever taught me math at school. They were too busy teaching me Critical Race Theory, all so that I could go to college and major in 19th Century Black Gay Women’s Theoretical Historical Contemplative Clay Basket Weaving History Theory. And now you get to pay for my education, sucker! Loser!

D: Thank you. Anything else?

C: Just so the police should know, Congresswoman Taylor Greene is, like, super strong and physically fit. I heard she goes to Crossfit all the time to work out. And when she goes there, all the men at the Crossfit club are like, “Oh, she’s so hot.” And then they’re like, “Yeah, but I heard she’s married.” But then they all say, “Sure, but I heard she’s more than willing to overlook that little fact, wink-wink”—

D: All right, that’s enough. Anything else I should know?

C: Do you want to hear about the Rothschild Family’s nefarious plan to launch lasers into space in order to ignite forest fires around the globe?

D: Not really, no.

C: Then no.

D: Okay, and just for the record, what is your address again, so that police can get a statement from you?

C: It’s 5382 [REDACTED] Street.

D: Very good. I’ll send the police over there right away.

C: No, wait, shit—

[Line disconnects]

[dchill]

1. Proof, ladies and gentlemen!

[Tommy Carcetti]

3. Indeed. nt

[Tommy Carcetti]

2. And just in case I need to say it....

, of course.