(Onion): Heavily Armed Karl Rove Spotted at Top of Electoral College Clock Tower

[DisgustipatedinCA]

WASHINGTON—Sources confirmed this afternoon that a heavily armed Karl Rove has positioned himself atop the Electoral College clock tower and is planning to pick off at least 50 electors with a high-precision sniper rifle.
...
Law enforcement officials said Rove appears to be primarily targeting Electoral College attendees from Ohio and Florida.

“Mr. Rove is armed, extremely dangerous, and, we believe, mentally ill,” said lead FBI agent Peter Coburn, adding that his team is working with Electoral College Campus Security to move the institution’s 538 enrolled electors out of harm’s way. “Several witnesses who saw Mr. Rove begin his ascent to the top of the clock tower said he looked stone-faced and was muttering something about making good on his promises to Republican super PAC donors everywhere and to Jesus Christ almighty.”
(more at link)

http://www.theonion.com/articles/heavily-armed-karl-rove-spotted-at-top-of-electora,30309/

[SubgeniusHasSlack]

1. "There was a rumor, about a tumor, nestled at the base of his brain. . . "

The Ballad of Charles Whitman by Kinky Friedman

[codjh9]

2. Pretty good. Hard for me to laugh at this as I might otherwise, though, because I was at my

aunt & uncle's house in Austin in what, 1965? - when Charles Whitman shot many people from the top of the UT tower, killing something like a dozen. Reporters from one of the local TV stations were trying to get footage from the alleys along 'The Drag' (Guadalupe St.), which was kind of crazy, and another aunt, uncle & cousin DROVE RIGHT UP IT while he was shooting, with the A/C and radio blasting, which meant that they didn't hear a lot of what was going on. Madness.

[yurbud]

3. Karl Rove doesn't have the testosterone to go out that way

He'll probably drown his sorrows in peppermint schnapps and twinkies (double entendre intended).