The Capitol Riot Was Actually Mostly Hugs, Tucker Carlson Told Me So (Ferret)
Y’know, I don’t mind struggling over the soul of the nation, but I confess I’m beginning to resent the quality of the opposition. It feels like I’ve been trapped in a checkout line, between a shrieking toddler and a lady with an inch-thick stack of expired coupons, for like, a thousand years.
(Makes more sense with the links, I promise: https://showercapblog.com/the-capitol-riot-was-actually-mostly-hugs-tucker-carlson-told-me-so/)
Well, thanks to Tucker Carlson’s intrepid investigative journalism, America finally understands the truth the lying lamestream media has attempted to hide for years: the so-called “Capitol Riot” was, in actuality, simply a matter of a single, eccentrically dressed young man trying to deliver a basket of homemade muffins to Nancy Pelosi. And if some random apostate Vice President happened to get lynched in the process, well, such things have been known to happen, in the hazardous world of muffin conveyance.
Forgive my rudeness, Fox Nation, but I gotta ask: how in the name of Four Seasons Total Landscaping are you dopes still falling for this? Do these television personalities you trust so blindly have to shit directly down your throat for you to recognize how deeply they disdain you?
Tucker not only lies to you, he hates your precious Trump, hates him passionately, which is altogether reasonable of him if you ask me, though I certainly respect your right, as a rube and a cultist, to feel differently.
The next wave of releases from the Dominion lawsuit’ll be a group text chain where Fox hosts work through a list of Trump donors, painstakingly insulting each one by name. “Doug Blanton from Dodge City, Kansas smells like a warthog fart,” snickers Laura Ingraham. “That’s nothing,” responds Hannity, “Edith McGillicutty of Dubuque wears piss-stained sweatpants to Walmart!” Lachlan Murdoch chimes in from time to time with all the standard approval-expressing emojis, your thumbs ups and your crying laughing faces.
It’s all going precisely according to House Speaker Elmer Fudd’s master plan. McCarthy’s tenure to date has been pure Fudd: just a mean, stupid dude stepping on rake after rake after rake. How Kevin ever arrived at the conclusion that his party would benefit politically from reminding the electorate of that time a mob of disgruntled Republicans injured 140 police officers is a matter best left to leadership scholars, surely.
But to proceed, in exclusive(!) partnership with the lying, racist weirdo at the center of the biggest media scandal in living memory? I think the American public deserves to know exactly how many quarters McCarthy has shoved up his nose since becoming Speaker. Release the cranial x-ray, Kevin.
We’re talking about a network that used an email written by a “cactus artist” who believes she was “internally decapitated” and is thus possibly a “ghost” to justify telling their viewers the 2020 election was stolen. Let me again stress that the ramblings of an allegedly apparitional cactus artist are at the very root of the big, dumb lie that’s driven so many idiots violently insane.
In their defense, Fox felt they had no choice but to present the random musings of this Caravaggio of Cactoideae as evidence of unprecedented, nationwide corruption, because they were worried about losing market share to rival propagandists. Yeah, I’m starting to think maybe American democracy should see a doctor about that lingering cough.
See, Kevin and Tucker think they can force the rest of us to live in their bubble, and…fuck you. No. It sucks in your bubble. It smells like crusty MyPillows and failure in there.
I’ll will admit I’m enjoying this one new show they’ve got. Every week or so, Jim Jordan has some new fake thing he believes, just wild, dippy nonsense, and he holds a “hearing” where Democrats mercilessly expose him as a fool and a fraud. For hours. It’s called the Select Subcommittee on the Weaponization of the Federal Government, I think. It’s a lot funnier than it sounds.
And now Marjorie Taylor Greene and James Comer are putting together a lil’ wingnut field trip to visit some Capitol rioters in jail, paint ‘em as “political prisoners” or some shit. That’s gonna go so well for you guys. I only ask that you take extra care to draw attention to your party affiliation, as you side publicly with the loser terrorists whose violent crimes are documented from multiple angles.
I see Trump “attorney” Jenna Ellis also got swept up in the “confessing to lying about election fraud” craze that’s taking MAGA nation by storm. Or maybe that was a deep state lizard person posing as Jenna Ellis. Whatever you need to believe to get through your day.
Last week, I said I didn’t have the strength for CPAC, and now that it’s done…can you blame me? CPAC is always gross, but now that it’s turned into the saddest possible version of itself, amidst the electoral setbacks and groping allegations and what have you, it’s just hard to look it. Almost robs you of any schadenfreude.
Like, Kari Lake referred to Steve Bannon as a “stud muffin” and I don’t think it’s fair that I know that. And now you’re mad at me for telling you, but fuck you, the world must share my pain. You couldn’t stop yourself, could you, it’s like “don’t think about elephants,” you scream at your brain not to conjure the image, that tangle of ginsweat-soaked shirt layers writhing obscenely in soft lighting…y’know what? Let’s talk about something else.
Like Michael Knowles, and his call to eradicate “transgenderism.” The way right wing culture has coalesced around brazen, unapologetic anti-trans hate over the last year or so is one of the scariest, ugliest things I’ve ever seen. I honestly have no idea how to write about it here.
Of course the main event was the Dotard himself, with the REO-Speedwagon-on-the-state-fair-circuit version of the American carnage speech, and if there’s any substantial difference between a game show host who thinks exercise is bad for you claiming Joe Biden hid his border wall, and a supposedly spectral cactus decorator saying the wind told her the 2020 election was stolen, I can’t identify it.
He’s still hacking up the same feeble lies about crowd size, by the way, which only happens in the coolest cults. “I am your retribution,” he pledged to the handful of assembled dead-enders. Fuck you, you don’t deserve retribution. Nobody wronged you, you’re just losers.
Excellent timing on that pledge to stay in the presidential race if you’re indicted, though. Teed that one up rather elegantly, I’d say.
I don’t wanna write about CPAC anymore. I wanna write about the Lieutenant Governor of the great state of Tennessee. His name is Randy McNally, which is fucking amazing, and he is having himself a week, y’all. One of the damndest things I've ever seen. Zounds.
Larry Hogan broke a lotta hearts this week, announcing he will not seek the Republican Party’s presidential nomination, which should allow Chris Sununu sufficient time to develop elaborate, individualized courtship rituals for all sixty-two voters in the GOP’s “normal lane.”
The real action remains in the Is It Time to Put the Armbands On Yet lane, so let’s check in on Ron DeSantis’ ongoing audition for the Cult45 high priesthood.
Yikes. Yiiiiiiiiiiiikes.
Florida Republicans are pulling enough fashy shit for an entire Family Feud category. “Show me six-week abortion ban!” and you get the little ding and the bar turns over, between ones that say “attempting to outlaw gender studies” and “assault on First Amendment rights so extreme even Newt Gingrich says you’re nuts.” Boy, that joke was surprisingly difficult to pull off in prose form.
Yeah, it’s a real specific record Ron’s carving out for himself, and I don’t think it’s going to play as well as he imagines. Gazing upon his “my book ban is widely misunderstood as a book ban” tour, one doesn’t exactly see the seeds of a movement.
Donnie One-Term’s VP shortlist allegedly contains Kari Lake; sounds like they’ve got binders full of psychopaths down at Mar-a-Lago. The “stud muffin” thing alone should be disqualifying…that attack ad practically throws up on itself.
There’s also buzz around Sarah Slanders, who just signed a bill rolling back child labor protections. Yeah, that’s something else Republicans do now. Soon as we get rid of these child labor laws, America’ll be all kindsa great again, you’ll see. 31 flavors of great again. Make America a Dickens Novel.
Meanwhile, West Virginia Republicans blocked a child marriage ban, because there’s actually some fairly wacky fine print in those family values they’re always going on about.
Hey, if you love chocolate, but hate trans people, Ben Shapiro has a candy bar to sell you. You can behave that way, if you want. You can indulge your bigotry by overpaying for junk food. Be sure to post about it on social media, everyone will be really impressed that you hate trans people with such fiscally irresponsible zeal.
Another super cool dude is Elon Musk, who might not need bodyguards to follow him into the bathroom if he didn’t spend his time mocking disabled employees while his $44 billion toy breaks. You know that gag where you can caption any New Yorker cartoon with “Christ, what an asshole?” Elon Musk stories are like that.
Putin’s butchers have apparently been reduced to fighting with shovels, because I guess that’s what’s left once you run out of convicts. Pretty standard superpower shit.
Good news everyone, according to the Hill, “James Taylor casts doubt on Trump's 2024 chances,” and I’m open to considering the possibility that I might consume a little too much political news content. Still, somebody has to step into the void left by the Iowa Straw Poll…why not JT?
Anyway, dear readers, know that I am your retribution, provided you’re angry at the beer in my fridge, which will shortly pass through my bladder, en route to an even darker fate. Stay safe out there, and sane, if you’re able.
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Made me suddenly wonder, what ever happened to Orlie Taits?
Not that I want to know. 
You really have a way with words. 
Thank you for keeping us in mind. 
From the checkout line analogy in the the opening paragraph to Kevin McCarthy as Elmer Fudd to Kari Lake calling Steve Bannon a stud muffin, this made me laugh SO hard. And it was the kind of laughter that you do keep from crying, so it was highly therapeutic. I think I will sleep a little better tonight for it, so thanks! 
