UPdate on my Mother #2

[PA_jen]

https://democraticunderground.com/100217741858

First let me continue to say I am grateful for the space to vent/ talk thru my feelings and situation. I am grateful for the well wishes and love being sent my families way. I am sorry my lack of response to all your kind words. just not enough time-which is a poor excuse But they are so kind.

So using a by pap and dialysis machine they got my mom in a more stable situation. However, it is temporary. The infection has done the damage. Her kidneys are not working. They have given her dialysis everyday this pass week and they are hoping this will eventually get the kidneys working again. They keep telling my sister and I next 2 weeks will be key. Add to this issue They cannot find the source of infection they beileve it the hip which is giving her in so much pain but she is closures phobic they can't do an MRI to confirm due to the fact her kidneys aren't working she can't be sedated because the kidneys can't filter out the medication.

Add to this they are limited in pain medication they can provide my mother for the pain again due to kidney's not working and due to the fact her kidney's aren't working she isn't a candidate of surgery to attempt to get the infection cleaned out and either repair or replace the replacement hip. This means after the 6 weeks of IV drugs she would be on life long oral antibiotics which causes it's own issues due to side effects.

We had a meeting with some of the doctors and Paolovite care which laid all this out. They don't want us to make decisions yet but to lay out all information. My sister hasn't been seeing my mom Day in and out like I have these pass 3 weeks. So when she and my mom got to AGH( Alleghey General Hospital) she was basically unconscious from the ride and was that way until she went back to her state for a few days ( due to work) she came back on Wednesday and my Mom is slowly waking up at times so she thinks my Mom is on the mend. So naturally she isn't fully understanding the meeting and all being said but as she stay with mom and gave me a "break" so I could take care of my mother's bills and attempt to rest she is seeing how my mom has moments of consciousness and then sleeps. This afternoon she is starting to understand the shit my mom has been handed.

We will have another meeting in 2 weeks and the one of the doctors explained to my sister how the next 2 weeks will show if my mom can make any sense of recovery with the kidneys.

Now if it was just 1 of these issues we can see my mom recovering but with all of this --I am too the point where I understand what needs to be done. My Mom's parents and 2 brothers died from various forms of cancer and those decisions had been easier but this just feels wrong to just give up even though it is the right this to do.

Some humor: during the meeting I looked at my sister and said to me the Bybpap and dialysis is basically taking place of the ventilator my mother didn't want to be on. I also said "You are the most like mom. Personality and view points. If you are in mom's position and your daughters are in our position what would you be thinking"

My sister : "Oh, I will be Mad as Hell and I'd be Haunting everyone one of you." But a Half breath later "I can't give up on Mom."

I just wish FMLA had been passed with pay. Would help a lot for me thankfully some of my Aunts and cousins have helped a little. I am not looking for anything but perhaps a Senator or Rep will see it and think about some sort of reform to allow 1/2 pay or something for a few weeks anything could be helpful.

[Karadeniz]

1. Such a tough time. I understand about wanting to be sure you did everything you could....

[Hekate]

2. Hugs to you, Jen. This is hard, hard, hard on you.

[Thunderbeast]

3. My father had kidney failure.

He was miserable. Attempts at "at home" dialysis failed. Trips to the kidney center were torture for him. On a Christmas night he became lucid enough to share his wishes with me.

He was done.

My brothers gathered with mom as we celebrated his last days with joy and fond memories. He asked my young children to join him in his hospital bed for warm hugs and tickles. He passed with us holding his hands.

I hope you, your sister, and your mom have better days ahead together, but if that is not the ultimate outcome, find peace in knowing that the end of her journey was surrounded by the love of you and your sister.

[Nittersing]

4. PA_jen

I just read your OPs about your Mom and a few things occurred to me.

One, you are being a *great *advocate for your Mom. Communicating with your sister and all the staff at the hospital(s) and the rest of your family... all while you, yourself are trying to figure out what the hell is going on. That is no small feat. My mom passed in November and I *know* how incredibly stressful it all is. Remember to take long, slow, deep breaths.

I'm glad she told you that, no matter when the time comes, she doesn't want to be resuscitated. I will be forever grateful that my mom made her wishes clear to me too.

My sister was able to Skype with Mom and she was able to see her decline, so she and I were, basically, on the same page. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your sister. (I'm just basing that on the single quote of hers that you posted.) I had a year to process what you and your sister have had to process in, what, a month? It's a lot. You'll all get there.

[MLAA]

5. Sending mom, your sister and you hugs.

Just one thing to add, say everything you want to say to mom even if she doesn’t seem to hear you. 💕

She is so fortunate to have you.

[NNadir]

6. We were "there" not so long ago with my mother-in-law.

It's very tough; very hard. I had to help my sister-in-law, on whom the decisions rested, through.

I went through it with my mother, now almost half a century ago, when I was her primary care giver day in and day out. (She was a relatively young woman, died at the age of 51, horribly I might add.)

Long after the fact, after years of being filled with regret and anger at myself, I realized that whatever I did would have felt wrong, that if I hadn't made the decisions I regretted making, I would have simply been regretting different decisions, thinking that what I actually did would have been better.

When you love someone and you're losing them, everything is wrong and nothing is right; there is no better thing that "should have been done."

Perhaps your mother will recover; that would be a wonderful outcome, but if she doesn't, you have done the best thing you could have done, which is to love her and to care deeply for her.

I wish you, and your family, peace.

[livetohike]

7. Sending hugs to you and your family Jen. Your Mom is

in a good place (AGH). Been at this same juncture with both of my parents and just 6 months ago with my m-i-l. Stepping outside of the hospital to another location to talk things over seems to help ❤️.

[CTyankee]

8. at some point you could document what happened to your family and bring it to your member of

Congress. In the meantime, your Rep's staffer at the home office could be made aware of the situation. Now, of course, you must attend to your mother's situation.

I'm so sorry to hear of what your family is going through. It must be tough on everyone involved.