Federal Court Rules Sacklers Can Still Go To Heaven

[Zorro]

NEW YORK—In a decision that shields the former owners of Purdue Pharma from personal liability for America’s opioid crisis, the 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled Wednesday that members of the Sackler family could still go to heaven.

“It is our determination that the Sacklers should receive immunity from damnation for their crimes so that they may enter into the eternal kingdom and be granted everlasting life,” said Judge Eunice C. Lee, who explained that by paying a $6 billion settlement for their involvement in an addiction crisis that took the lives of 500,000 Americans over two decades, the Sacklers would cleanse the blood from their hands and fully atone for their sins.

“Richard, Theresa, David, Jonathan, Ilene, Beverly, Kathe, and Mortimer D.A. Sackler, as well as the souls of their late forbears Raymond and Mortimer, will be guaranteed permanent residence in God’s shining paradise in the clouds. And as far as the justice system is concerned, everyone who died from an OxyContin addiction can go straight to hell.”

The court also ruled that the Sacklers would be allowed to sell opioids once more when they entered the gates of heaven.

https://www.theonion.com/federal-court-rules-sacklers-can-still-go-to-heaven-1850487557

[marble falls]

1. It'd be funnier if that in the end that wasn't basically what happened. One of the Onion's best.

[FakeNoose]

2. It's time to revise the laws for corporate bankruptcies in this country

[Mosby]

3. It's not funny because Xtian salvation theology says anyone can go to heaven

Salvation theology is a cornerstone of Christianity. It's literally at the heart of the religion.

Anyone can be saved according to Christianity. Even among the worst evil people like murderers and pedophiles.

[barbaraann]

5. Yes, Jesus died so sinners don't have to atone, just accept Jesus as their savior.

Salvation without repentance is called "cheap grace" and it's one of my pet peeves.

Everyone might already know this, but Amazing Grace was written by a slave trader.
"He was pressed into service with the Royal Navy, and after leaving the service, he became involved in the Atlantic slave trade. In 1748, a violent storm battered his vessel off the coast of County Donegal, Ireland, so severely that he called out to God for mercy. While this moment marked his spiritual conversion, he continued slave trading until 1754 or 1755, when he ended his seafaring altogether. Newton began studying Christian theology and later became an abolitionist."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amazing_Grace

[LetMyPeopleVote]

4. I love good satire

This appeals court ruling is wrong