So, the old man just died this morning. (My biological father)

[Triana]

I was never close to him. For all intents and purposes, my stepfather was my "Dad". My biological father was the sperm donor. My "Dad" died back in 1991 or so.

Biological father who died today was an alcoholic. Violent. Beat up and terrorized my mother - I grew up around DV. They divorced when I was around nine years old. Then, he'd come and pick us up for the weekend visits. Sometimes, he was driving drunk with us in the car. Police pulled him over once for that and escorted him home. He remarried another 3-4 times (I lost count). His last wife though, he adored. She was a very nice woman and we all liked her. Not sure how she put up with him but she did. After she died, he made himself the target of any opportunistic old woman who was after a free home and some of his money, who would "take care" of him: cook and clean. That was what he thought women were put here for - to cook and clean for men - to serve them and clean their house. Even right up until just a few weeks ago, he wanted to go home and find a woman to take care of him. No one could at that point of course, as he was invalid and it was a 24 x 7 nursing job, which is why he ended up in hospice. Family couldn't deal with him anymore.

He was selfish and mean -- until he got too old to change anything and still then, it was all about himself. When he knew he was dying and became pretty much an invalid -- well even then he didn't really change. He is a man that should have never had kids. His method of childrearing was the "sink or swim" method. Be a sperm donor and create children and then just toss them out there. If they did something you didn't like or that annoyed, you, backhand their little asses into the opposite wall of the room. If they survived in life, fine. If not - oh well. He taught us to swim the same way. Just drop the kid into the water - then they're on their own. Very Republican method, if you think about it. But he was a Democrat though - blue-collar worker in the auto-worker's union and thus GREAT health insurance and a pension. Don't tell ME unions don't make a difference. They do.

The damn fool smoked until just a couple years ago. He was almost 90 - 89 I think. Didn't quite make his 90th birthday. He died peacefully in a very nice hospice center - better than he deserved really but with that "socialist" Medicare and his good insurance, it might even be covered. This morning, he just went to sleep after they fed him some applesauce - and didn't awaken. He wasn't eating and was getting a little bit of morphine to keep him comfortable. His body was shutting down as it has been for weeks since he went into the emergency room with pneumonia when I was out there to see him in May, me knowing he'd be gone soon. I guess it's a good thing I did that -- for my own good if not his. When he got my mother pregnant with one of us kids and she told him about it, he said: "well you didn't ask ME first!"



This was before there was the birth control pill or any particularly effective method of contraception existed. It was as if she had done this to herself and he had nothing to do with it. Jesus Christmas.

Still, it's sad to see someone get to that point in life - though his dying and last days were not chaotic or particularly painful. He didn't suffer too much and had as good care from family as they could give him, and from hospitals and finally hospice. He went painlessly and peacefully in beautiful setting. Nicer people have much worse deaths that they don't deserve. Meanwhile, this man had a pretty good one he didn't deserve really. Not that I wanted to see him suffer - you never want to see an old feeble person suffer or at least I don't. But I still ponder the justice or injustice of death and dying: why good folks go in horrible ways and mean, selfish ones go pampered or at least basically cared for. He was thin as a rail, feeble, and didn't recognize us some of the time - serious dementia. Just last week he told my sister he wanted to go home and get into his car and drive back to his house that he used to own in a state way across the country. That house has long since been sold of course. His mind was gone. Now, he is.

R.I.P. old man. I guess your kids pretty much survived in spite of you and not because of you, and that's a shame.

Let this be a lesson to any and all fathers or Dads out there NOT to be this kind of father or Dad.

God damn it - if you're gonna breed 'em, then feed 'em and protect 'em and help 'em and support 'em -- or don't goddamned breed 'em. Ya know?

[randome]

1. Damn. What a well-written goodbye.

[hr]
[font color="blue"][center]You should never stop having childhood dreams.[/center][/font]
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[NRaleighLiberal]

2. .

[Turbineguy]

3. As I say about my step-father...

"He's dead and I'm alive!"

[LeftofObama]

4. Peace to you both.

[Warpy]

5. Sometimes I think lives ill lived are a useful example

because most of their kids look at them and swear they will never, ever be like him in any way. It's only the unfortunate few who follow in his footsteps to become abusive, narcissistic drunks who consistently miss the point and die after they've gotten much older, but never any wiser.

You grew up knowing exactly what you were never going to do or be. You can thank him for that much. You can also thank him for any genes you might have inherited that allowed him to survive so many years of drinking and smoking.

I'm glad you got to say goodbye, it's easier than if you didn't. My own mother hadn't seen her abusive, narcissistic drunk of a father in 20 years when he died and that was tough on her.

[Triana]

6. Thanks. I was glad I went to see him a few weeks ago. . .

. . . for the last time. I'm sure he was too. He had waited up past his 'bedtime' for my arrival. That's at least something. It's not that I think he did't love me. But he loved himself a LOT more. And you can't be that way and be a parent. It doesn't work.

[jaysunb]

14. +1 well said

[Generic Other]

7. But as you say the real father in your life was your stepdad

I hope for your sake he was the better man. Sorry about your dad. I think I was married to him too. A long long time ago.

[1-Old-Man]

8. When my father died, about 40years ago, I felt a lot like you do now.

But now when I look back I understand a lot better how hard his life was and I'm a lot more forgiving than I was all those long years ago. I can tell you this, asshole or not, I'd still give an awful lot just to be able to talk to him for just an hour.

[enough]

9. Thank heaven for Hospice, and for people like you, Triana. (nt)

[ucrdem]

10. thanks Triana , , ,

[raccoon]

11. Great post, and amen to your last 3 paragraphs. nt

[cynatnite]

12. You and your family have my condolences...

I can't imagine the feelings you are all experiencing during this time and I'm not going to try.

He's at peace and I hope you and your family find peace as well.

[bunnies]

13. My biological father really was a sperm donor.

And when I read or hear stories like this, sometimes I think I was lucky. Wow.

[Triana]

15. I blogged it...

....changed and added a few things, like the part about men having female children:

http://www.sevenbowie.com/2013/06/the-most-indelible-thing-you-leave-behind-for-your-kids-shouldnt-be-how-not-to-be-a-parent/

Sorry to post it again - writing is therapy for me. Always has been.

[raccoon]

16. I read your blog with the changes, and would like to quote some of it here:

"For MEN in particular on this subject:

If you’re going to have kids, then feed them, protect them, teach them, and support them all their lives. This takes time, it takes work and it takes money — and a lot of it. If you cannot or do not want to fully commit to that from the moment they’re born and for the rest of your own life, then don’t breed. Keep that goddamned thing in your pants and spare everyone the expense, trouble, and pain, including society and especially your potential offspring. "


To which I say, ITA.

Also the part about having female children is good.

[malaise]

17. Deepest sympathy - love your honesty