A Man Shows Us A Day In The Life Of An Abusive Relationship

[one_voice]

I post this not because I'm comparing men & women in abusive situations but because it's not a gender issue it's a human issue.

No one man, woman or child should have to live like this.

I saw my mother shot when I was a child. I'm all too familiar with domestic violence.

I also have a very very close friend that was abused by his wife. She would get drunk and literally beat him with whatever she could get her hands on. Throw things at him etc. He never hit her back. He got more than one concussion waiting for the police. He was so ashamed no one knew until recently.

It's a serious issues for men, women and children.

It might be surprising to some of you to see who the victim is at the end of this video, but unfortunately, too many out there will find it familiar.

If you need support, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at [phone] or the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women at [phone].

[one_voice]

1. one kick.

[one_voice]

3. Oh no, I hope you're wrong

and no one plays that card. This issue is far too important for that. I not comparing stats or anything. One is not more important than the other. I don't understand that thinking. Abuse is abuse, is needs to stop for everyone.

[AtheistCrusader]

11. That was unnecessary, unhelpful, and pretty much a smear, given the content of the OP.

[Prophet 451]

14. Not really a smear

I raised the issue of male victims of rape and domestic violence a couple of weeks ago and was flatly told by one of our radfem posters, that such victims didn't exist.

[Skidmore]

19. While I don't like the label of "radfem", I will say that whoever it was was flat out wrong and

should own the wrongheadedness of her statement. Domestic violence and rape occur in all types of relationships and are just as destructive as that which occurs in a male-female partnering. That said, some of the MRA crap that gets flung around is abusive in its own right.

[Prophet 451]

20. Oh, I know

I brought up male victims and was flatly told they didn't exist, had been debunked and was just an MRA talking point. This is part of what I call the "opression Olympics" where some seem to think that acknowledging the suffering of one group makes teh suffering of another less valid. Like acknowledging that there are male victims of rape and domestic abuse means that I'm discounting the female victims.
"Radfem" is just the best descriptor I could come up with. "Feminist" doesn't cover it since most feminists are entirely on-board with helping male victims.

And yes, there is a certain amount of MRA lunacy that gets thrown around in this topic.

[lumberjack_jeff]

24. The posters in question miss the point.

The reason that domestic violence is chronic and pernicious is that the Duluth model that DV organizations use is not reflective of reality and in fact leads to escalating violence in which no one intervenes until she gets hurt.

[AtheistCrusader]

21. I don't agree, but even if it wasn't it has no place in this thread.

The only thread fork of any distracting or disrespectful nature, is this one.

But I ALSO do not agree with the premise/characterization.

[BainsBane]

29. Could you provide a quote from that conversation?

You may be reluctant to provide a link, though such things are not hidden by juries anymore. But if you don't want to provide a link, perhaps you can provide a quote of the comment?
Thanks.

[Prophet 451]

38. Sure

Although I'm wary of dredging up an argument that's since settled so I'd prefer not to go any further with this thread.
I posted: "So are you disputing that men get raped or are you disputing that we should do anything about it?"
The response from unnamed poster was (my emphasis): "I'm not disputing it. Don't need to. Michael Kimmel has already debunked it."

There was a general insistence that male victims of rape/domestic violence were purely an MRA talking point (despite me repeatedly pointing out that I was using Home Office stats, not MRA ones) and that the victims simply didn't exist.

[BainsBane]

39. That is an ignorant comment

and incredibly offensive. I request you not attribute it to "radfems." That term on DU is typically associated with HOF posters, and I have never seen anyone in HOF advance such a ridiculous argument. I would request you say one person or find some other sort of descriptor. I would never in a million years make such a comment and have argued against people who do. I recall two people making similar arguments. One was a troll who lasted only a day and another is a member who does not post in HOF. The person I am thinking of was roundly criticized last time I saw her make that argument, and I am hoping she thought better of it. I personally know some male survivors of rape, and I know their trauma is very real.

[Prophet 451]

41. The "radfems" thing

I didn't want to name the poster and I couldn't come up with a better descriptor off the top of my head. In retrospect, it was an unwise choice of words and I'll hold my hands up to my miostake there.

[BainsBane]

44. Thank you

Who knows how the person identifies him or herself anyway.

[aikoaiko]

52. If you google the quote with end quotes and ....

...democraticundeground.com, you'll see who it is.

[BainsBane]

53. That's disappointing

and not the person I saw argue that point before.

[lumberjack_jeff]

22. It's intriguing.

How one person can say the exact same thing as another, one gets recommends... the other? Alerts.

Excellent OP.

[opiate69]

23. True, that.

[Comrade Grumpy]

34. Seems like that alert was upheld for ideological reasons.

Rather than being rude or offensive or something.

[winter is coming]

4. Thanks for posting this. n/t

[Sissyk]

5. I'm sorry you had to go through

And see those things as a child. I'm glad though that you've overcome it.

Domestic violence is horrible no matter who the victim is.

Thank you for posting the national hotline number.

[one_voice]

7. Thanks Sissy!

[uppityperson]

6. k&r, I don't care about gender but about abuse. DV is painful, often happens slowly, is very

difficult to get out of. Best wishes for all involved and don't give up.

[one_voice]

8. I agree it shouldn't be about...

gender. No person should ever have to live in fear.

[geek tragedy]

9. coming forward and escaping is a challenge for any victim, regardless of who their victimizer is.

it can happen to anyone.

[closeupready]

12. Thank you, agreed.

[one_voice]

30. Absolutely.

[riderinthestorm]

10. Big K&R! nt

[wickerwoman]

13. It's a gender issue and a human issue.

It's a human issue in that nobody should have to live in fear of their partner.

It's a gender issue that women are more likely to be victims, are more likely to suffer serious or permanent harm or to be killed and are more likely to have economic, societal/cultural or familial impediments that make it difficult for them to leave their abuser.

It matters because when we talk about things like funding shelters for abuse victims it is sometimes pulled out as an argument that women are privileged because they have designated shelters to help them escape abusers in most cities whereas men do not and suggested that they should have equal funding. This is an actual argument that I have seen promoted on DU.

[steve2470]

15. k&r nt

[Behind the Aegis]

16. Thank you.

It is more common than many think. Abuse against men largely goes unreported. One of my brothers was a victim. Another brother, I believe, is as well, but no one knows for sure. Just like rape, men are embarrassed about coming forward in cases of abuse. Anyone who is abused should be supported, not humiliated.

[Bonobo]

18. My father was abused

Pretty much killed him. Broke his shoulder and left him sitting all night in a pool of urine cause he couldn't get up. He died 6 months later from complications.

[Behind the Aegis]

58. I am very sorry to hear this.

No one should ever have to live or die like that.

[one_voice]

32. Oh no BtA...

I'm sorry your brother(s) had/have to endure that. It's horrible for anyone!

I was just thinking about the some of the different things I've heard from men with respect to rape/abuse, embarrassed tops the list. While fear is usually what I hear from women.

So sad that people feel they have to go through it alone. I hate thinking of anyone feeling so alone. It breaks my heart.

[Behind the Aegis]

59. It has been an ongoing cause of stress for the entire family.

I am sorry for the way your mother and you were treated, as well. It must have been terrifying. My parents fought, but it was never physical, except one time. My father never repeated his mistake. I have told you about my mom before...

The cycle of abuse is so vicious and it takes strength to break it. Both my parents did, my dad did so with the help of my mother. My personal opinion though, is men, as boys, are often taught to "take it" when it comes to being abused by a female, whereas women, as girls, are taught they are somehow responsible for the abuse. Those negative messages have to stop!

The only relationship I had that was abusive was limited to emotional abuse and it was toward the end of the relationship. When I complained to a few friends, they made me out to be the bad guy or that it was all in my head. One day, while at lunch with my boyfriend and my best friend, he started in on me. She sat there for a few minutes, then turned to him and said, "Have you lost your fucking mind?! Keep talking to him like that and we are going to have some issues up in here!" Thing is, we all worked together and were all friends. She is still one of my closest friends, her daughters call my partner and me, "uncle." As for my ex, we are still friends too, and he has changed quite a bit for the better. Most people would never look at someone like me and think "victim," but even the strongest of us can be chipped away and worn down.

I, too, feel for people who feel they must "go it alone." We are social animals, we should never have to go it alone. I tell people if you are willing to share your happiness with others, you must be able to share your unhappiness and your true friends will stick by you during both times.

[countryjake]

17. Yes, that is familiar. Thank you for posting. n/t

[cali]

25. There's one significant difference: The scale of the problem

It's tragic and terrible whether it's a man or woman being abused by either a man or woman, but the problem is much more widespread and dangerous for women at the hands of men.

[In_The_Wind]

26. My father was abused by both of my stepmothers.

And so was I.

[geardaddy]

27. ...

[Lady Freedom Returns]

31. ...

[one_voice]

33. .

[In_The_Wind]

46. .

I'm very sorry about what happened to your mother. So sorry you went through that as a child, one_voice.

[RiffRandell]

35. .

[Art_from_Ark]

40. Holy cow

That sounds like something straight out of a Grimm's fairy tale

[In_The_Wind]

42. It isn't a good thing for a young girl to watch her father repeatedly punched

by his own wife. He never started the fights. I remember trying to pull my second stepmother away from father. I can remember far too many flying glasses of buttermilk and being backhanded by my stepmother. I left home for the last time when I was 17. I'm sorry to say that I only saw him one more time before he died when I was 24. That was over 42 years ago.

[Art_from_Ark]

43. I'm so sorry you and your dad had to put up with that

[In_The_Wind]

45. Those two women robbed me of a normal childhood.

George Hoyt was a good man whose drinking addiction cost him more than he ever knew. My father loved me but he couldn't protect me. Long ago my anger with him passed.
I miss him. I miss the life as an adult I never had, the children I never gave birth to because I was afraid that I couldn't give them a good home.

One very good thing came from my childhood ~ I was never in a physically abusive relationship again.

[Art_from_Ark]

48. I'm lucky I never had to experience that

I did see it among some of my friends, though. For a while, we could always tell it was Sunday because the neighbor kids' mother would always be throwing a fit (if not actual physical objects). "Why are you wearing those clothes??? Don't you know what today is??? Get your Sunday suit on-- NOW! *Whack* *Cry*" I felt sooooo sorry for those kids.

[Behind the Aegis]

50. this makes my heart hurt.

I wish it was more than an online one, but it will have to do...

[In_The_Wind]

55. Domestic violence leaves emotional scars that never go away.

It's difficult to talk about being a survivor. I never ask to become this strong.
And it's lonely.
The few close friends I have here at DU keep me going when I'm ready to give up.

Thank you, Behind the Aegis.

[mercuryblues]

28. if a

shelter gets funding via VAWA, they can not deny services based on sex.

[NuclearDem]

36. K&R. DV is DV, no matter the victim or abuser.

[sheshe2]

37. DV is wrong.

No matter who the victim is. It's wrong.

So sorry for what you went through, one_voice.

[dickthegrouch]

47. I watched my dad get abused for most of his adult life too

Crazy thing is my Mom once asked if I could get her into a program to help, and there was nothing available unless she was convicted first. And I have a sneaking suspicion that would only have been anger-management rather than anything substantive.

The thing I hated most was seeing him shrug his shoulders as if to say 'What can I do?'.

I never understood why he put up with it.

Another strange thing, he always stood up for me, both to Mom and to the anti-gay bullies at school and with his mother (a religious homophobe). I always wished I could have done more for him in his last years.

[Triana]

49. Abusers aren't always men. I've seen some damn abusive women too...

...any relationship can be abusive: parent/child (either can be the abuser), employer/employee, same-sex couples, etc.

I've got an uncle who lived with an abusive wife - and "aunt" whom he has thankfully since divorced. Saw it firsthand. Now, he gets it from a drug-addled, daughter and he's in his 80s. It's just heartbreaking. Abuse is abuse - doesn't matter who's doing it and it can happen in any relationship.

[elleng]

51. and there's emotional abuse,

my husband practiced it, and I'm afraid my daughter does the same.

[Triana]

56. And it can be as bad/worse as the physical abuse.

Been there.

[elleng]

57. Yes, as the fear/anxiety are always with us.

I surely don't want to minimize bad effects of physical abuse, had a bit of that which finally caused me to leave the house (while he was in custody,) but the emotional stuff is always with us.

[U4ikLefty]

54. I bet a good percentage of men on this board have been abused by a partner.

It took me years in healthy relationships before I realized that my first fiancee was very abusive.

Glad I got away from that nightmare.