Forgiveness is Dysfunctional

[eridani]

http://www.nationofchange.org/forgiveness-dysfunctional-1397920373

Whatever the cause of their abusive behavior, however, the person needsaccurate feedback about their behavior in order to be able to correcttheir misperception, misinterpretation or dysfunctional response. And theywill learn most quickly and benefit most directly by receiving honestfeedback about their behavior. Forgiveness is simply inappropriate andmost unhelpful and people who are 'forgiven' are given neither importantfeedback nor appropriate incentive to reflect on the cause of theirbehavior and its adverse consequences. And those who forgive are doingthem a great disservice.

Interestingly, if we consider why people forgive, we will usually findthat it is not out of any magnanimous or charitable motive. People usuallyforgive because they are afraid to challenge the poor behavior of others.And they then dress it up with something like 'it enables us to moveforward'. The problem is this, however. If the person has not receivedhonest feedback about their behavior and made some effort to understandwhy it occurred in order to be able to act differently in future, then thelikelihood is that the person will repeat the bad behavior at the nextopportunity, even if they have been forgiven.

To reiterate: Most people who seek forgiveness are scared of being heldaccountable for their behavior. Most people who offer forgiveness arescared of holding people accountable for their behavior. Forgiveness andfear usually go together.

So what do we do instead? If someone has behaved inappropriately towardsyou, the courageous way forward is to have your own natural emotionalresponse to this behavior whether it is sadness, anger, fear or calmacceptance. Once you have given appropriate attention to your ownfeelings, which will guide you to defend yourself vigorously if this isnecessary, you also have the option, if you feel able to do so, to providelistening so that the person behaving badly can work out why they did soand work out what will need to happen so that they can avoid behavingbadly in future.

[handmade34]

1. interesting...

I just finished watching "Philomena"... there should be but little forgiveness for what the Catholic church has done

[distantearlywarning]

2. I fully agree with this article.

Wish it was a normative philosophy for our culture. Sadly, we like to rug-sweep and victim blame instead.

[murielm99]

3. I agree.

I have an abusive mother. I am 65, and she is still abusive in every possible way.

When I would get fed up and call her on her behavior, my dad always tried to get us to "forgive" each other. When I was a kid, I had to do it, or I had to apologize to her for something she had done to me, or something she had lied about.

I don't forgive her any more. I don't see her or speak to her at all. If she tries to contact me, I tell her why I want nothing to do with her. I tell her that I know she won't change, and I am through forgiving someone who regards forgiveness as a license to begin their abuse all over again.

If she would change her behavior, I would try to have a relationship with her. She is 85. I doubt that anything will change.

[Le Taz Hot]

7. Your post could have been written by me.

It's one thing if the behavior had changed. I actually could move on and we could have, if not a "normal" relationship, at least a relationship. But nothing has changed. It's behavior she established 59 years ago and it will never change. I suffer from PTSD to this day because of a nightmare childhood that SHE caused though she will never admit to any wrongdoing. I agree. Why should I "forgive" that? That's ME standing up for ME and that is empowering.

[Squinch]

4. I totally agree. I have never understood the "turn the other cheek" thing.

You need to learn from your experiences with people, and act on what you have learned.

Going back for more mistreatment, over and over again, is pathological.

[undeterred]

5. I don't think the author really understands the dynamic of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, not for someone else. It is the first step toward peace and reconciliation.

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Mahatma Ghandi

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” Martin Luther King, Jr

[zeemike]

6. They confuse forgiveness with submission.

And cannot understand that you can forgive and yet not put up with shit from people.
Forgiveness is not saying you are sorry.

[Happyhippychick]

9. I agree with both of you, the author doesn't know what forgiveness is.

[marions ghost]

10. Good point

on the other hand forgiveness is not always appropriate to a situation of abuse.

Detachment yes, --forgiveness, not necessarily. Depends.

[uponit7771]

11. It helps no one to forgive and the other person continue with the same actions

[rustydog]

14. You beat me to it! You are 100% correct.

Forgiveness to me means:

What you did to me, or mine, was wrong legally, ethically, morally maybe even biblically...for that you will pay for that wrong either legally, morally, socially (imprisonment, fine, or shunning).

Understand what you did was wrong and I completely believe in your punishment but I, as a human being forgive you.

That does not mean I like you. That does not mean I will sit next to you on a bus, that does not mean I will speak to you or acknowledge your presence...It means I will not seek vengeance for what you did. Our laws and system of justice is my vengeance.

[NutmegYankee]

12. Foregiveness is for you, not them.

It lets you get rid of anger that would otherwise eat you up inside.

[onestepforward]

20. Agreed.

I like this quote from Lilly Tomlin:

“Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.”

Forgiveness helps YOU to move on.

[GreenEyedLefty]

13. My ex husband and his wife did some pretty awful things to our daughter.

Once I learned that doing all the appropriate, reasonable things got us nowhere; behaving irrationally only reduced us to their level; and anger and bitterness was an acid that not only ate away at my soul but deprived me of the possibility of happiness, I learned to forgive.

There was NO making them see what they did wrong... they are delusional.

Forgiving my ex in no way shape or form excused or condoned what they did. For me, it was a way to neutralize the emotions, to deprive him and her of the power of making me feel like shit, and truly was a way to move on.

It was a process, not an act. It took years to get to this point.

[marions ghost]

15. I think the distinction is--

forgiving someone after the fact (ie. in your heart)

vs-- telling them you forgive them and giving them an opportunity to continue abuse--or as the OP says, an opportunity to change (which many don't).

--These are two different things.

[Nuclear Unicorn]

16. Forgiveness is not an escape from guilt, it is an acknowledgement of guilt.

Yes, some will seek forgiveness to escape the consequences of the guilt but there are those who seek atonement, to do right by those they have harmed. That is why repentance is always a component to forgiveness.

[treestar]

17. okbut that will gobothways

and youwill not be forgiven for yourmistakes either, do people really want to live likethat?

[Teamster Jeff]

18. Forgiving someone is a way for you to let go of anger and resentment and move on.

Imo it has little to do with the offending person at all.

[Edim]

19. This is