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Fri Sep 19, 2014, 05:33 PM

DMV, TSA to Acquire Surface to Air Missiles and Tanks from Pentagon

Last edited Fri Sep 19, 2014, 06:07 PM - Edit history (1)

In order for the 1033 and other programs to be more equitable, the Pentagon is equipping the Placerville, California DMV with five new M1 Abrams Tanks. Also, the TSA in Big Timber, Montana will be receiving an undisclosed number of laser guided, Starstreak surface to air missiles (SAM).

Pentagon spokesperson, Gail Griffith spoke to reporters about the expanded program. “Well, we really have more tanks and missiles than we know what to do with, so we thought this would be a win-win,” she said in a serious tone. “The idea is to protect small town DMV offices first, then eventually have tanks at every office in the country. You can’t be too safe, and people waiting in lines are already angry, and hence are potential terrorists. And TSA is incredibly unpopular now, so they need very heavy armament… I think that’s obvious.” Holding off questions with a raised hand, she continued, “After we have equipped the DMV and TSA offices, we will be making sure our water treatment plants are safe by equipping them with armed drones.”

Placerville, California DMV issued the following statement to the press: “When our office learned that the LA School District was receiving assault rifles, armored vehicles and grenade launchers, we of course agreed that all schools need that type of protection. But we also thought there isn’t a DMV office in the country that isn’t in desperate need of a few tanks. We are always looking for ways to make our driving citizens feel safer. So our office is proud to be the first of many DMV offices equipped for today’s dangerous circumstances.”

This paper tried to contact the TSA in Big Timber, Montana only to find that no office there exists. So, we contacted the TSA in Washington, DC. “That is posing a bit of a problem for us, to be honest” said media relations manager, Tim Nuenins. “But not an insurmountable one. We are confident that the office will be set up and staffed before the arrival of the surface to air missiles.”
“If I may,” asked this reporter. “If Big Timber was too small for the TSA and has no commercial flights, why are surface to air missiles a necessity now?”

“We like to be pro-active,” said Mr. Nuenins. “Safety and Security First, that’s our motto.”

“I think it’s, ‘not on my watch.’”

“Oh, right. But regardless, Big Timber will now have the safest airport in the country. I know your next question will be, ‘Sure the skies will be safe around Big Timber, but what if something happens on the ground?’ Well, we have thought of that, and that’s why we are also receiving one hundred grenades for each of our agents. We hope that will make everyone feel safe.”






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Arrow 35 replies Author Time Post
Reply DMV, TSA to Acquire Surface to Air Missiles and Tanks from Pentagon (Original post)
20score Sep 2014 OP
drm604 Sep 2014 #1
marym625 Sep 2014 #24
drm604 Sep 2014 #27
marym625 Sep 2014 #29
20score Sep 2014 #33
diabeticman Sep 2014 #2
20score Sep 2014 #3
diabeticman Sep 2014 #5
20score Sep 2014 #7
diabeticman Sep 2014 #13
PeoViejo Sep 2014 #6
20score Sep 2014 #9
awoke_in_2003 Sep 2014 #19
DocMac Sep 2014 #23
marym625 Sep 2014 #26
20score Sep 2014 #30
marym625 Sep 2014 #31
FiveGoodMen Sep 2014 #4
pinboy3niner Sep 2014 #8
Dont call me Shirley Sep 2014 #20
marym625 Sep 2014 #28
Brigid Sep 2014 #10
20score Sep 2014 #14
20score Sep 2014 #11
suede1 Sep 2014 #12
TexasProgresive Sep 2014 #15
20score Sep 2014 #18
marym625 Sep 2014 #16
20score Sep 2014 #17
20score Sep 2014 #21
marym625 Sep 2014 #22
whereisjustice Sep 2014 #25
20score Sep 2014 #32
whereisjustice Sep 2014 #34
20score Sep 2014 #35

Response to 20score (Original post)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 05:41 PM

1. Link?

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Response to drm604 (Reply #1)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 07:56 PM

24. Are you looking for the link about the school getting

Weapons of war? This article is satire so wasn't sure. Here's a link for you on why 20score wrote it. Or at least I assume why

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/sep/18/us-school-districts-given-free-machine-guns-and-grenade-launchers

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Response to marym625 (Reply #24)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 08:16 PM

27. What else would I be looking for?

Of course it's satire. That's obvious. But I assumed that it was satire from one of the satirical news sites.

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Response to drm604 (Reply #27)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 08:18 PM

29. oh!

I was confused. 20score does a great deal of satire. Love his stuff.

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Response to drm604 (Reply #27)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 08:45 PM

33. Well thank you.

Used to write on this site fairly often. But, took a few years off so my name isn't familiar anymore.

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Response to 20score (Original post)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 05:42 PM

2. WHY THE HELL DO THESE orgaizations need those type of things? Are they hoping that if they hand

out military weapons to organizations that don't need them; we will just throw our hands up in the air and allow the full force police state they have been gunning for since the PATRIOT ACT

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Response to diabeticman (Reply #2)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 05:44 PM

3. It's satire. I wrote it.

It's hard to satirize this stuff now, because it's gotten so crazy; but I wanted to point the crazy out to them.

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Response to 20score (Reply #3)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 05:49 PM

5. You got me....




Sorry bad week when it comes to this issue... when you have small towns in PA are getting these type of weapons you get a little jumpy

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Response to diabeticman (Reply #5)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 05:51 PM

7. It wasn't easy. Who the hell thought schools would get grenade launchers?

Everyone involved should be put in an institution.

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Response to 20score (Reply #7)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 06:23 PM

13. We have some serious problems in this country.

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Response to 20score (Reply #3)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 05:50 PM

6. You should work at the Onion.

 

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Response to PeoViejo (Reply #6)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 05:54 PM

9. Thank you!

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Response to 20score (Reply #3)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 07:18 PM

19. Satire can be hard...

 

to see these days, to be sure.

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Response to 20score (Reply #3)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 07:54 PM

23. unrec. nt

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Response to DocMac (Reply #23)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 08:15 PM

26. Because it's satire?

Never saw anyone unrec something. Especially just because it's good enough satire that it can be believed as reality.

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Response to marym625 (Reply #26)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 08:24 PM

30. There is rarely a post where someone isn't a jerk,

Last edited Fri Sep 19, 2014, 09:49 PM - Edit history (1)

for no reason. I'm not worried about it. But thanks for the support.

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Response to 20score (Reply #30)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 08:28 PM

31. eesh

Why even mention it? Seriously, just shows, "oh I believed it without fact checking. Now I know its not true I don't like it."

Whatever.

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Response to 20score (Original post)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 05:49 PM

4. Poe strikes again!

Whether it's fundies, GOPers, or the Pentagon, you can't make anything up that's much worse than current reality.

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Response to FiveGoodMen (Reply #4)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 05:52 PM

8. You gotta admit, the idea of DMV tanks is pretty good

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Response to pinboy3niner (Reply #8)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 07:28 PM

20. Maybe teens could take their drivers' tests in them

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Response to Dont call me Shirley (Reply #20)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 08:17 PM

28. What a scary thought!

Just what we need, bad drivers who can't control emotions driving around in tanks!

Good one!

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Response to 20score (Original post)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 05:59 PM

10. I did look for an Onion link.

I was really confused when there was no link at all.

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Response to Brigid (Reply #10)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 06:34 PM

14. Thanks much!

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Response to 20score (Original post)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 06:00 PM

11. ...

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Response to 20score (Original post)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 06:19 PM

12. Funny! But so close to reality!

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Response to 20score (Original post)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 06:37 PM

15. Will any be left after the schools get theirs?

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Response to TexasProgresive (Reply #15)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 07:08 PM

18. There is always enough money for weapons...and tax cuts.

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Response to 20score (Original post)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 06:41 PM

16. How does this not have more recs?

This is awesome!

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Response to marym625 (Reply #16)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 06:50 PM

17. Thanks! Appreciated!

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Response to marym625 (Reply #16)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 07:30 PM

21. I was kind of hoping this would make the main page, so those involved

would see just how awful they really are.

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Response to 20score (Reply #21)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 07:43 PM

22. I can't believe it hasn't

I would k&r again if I could

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Response to 20score (Original post)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 08:02 PM

25. Our local PTA is picking up some automatic rifles and a few grenade launchers

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Response to whereisjustice (Reply #25)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 08:32 PM

32. No school, or PTA should be without them.

Good luck!

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Response to 20score (Reply #32)

Fri Sep 19, 2014, 09:30 PM

34. well, we can't afford to pay the teachers, might as well load up on free weapons, USA! USA! USA!

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Response to whereisjustice (Reply #34)

Sat Sep 20, 2014, 09:32 AM

35. Good point.

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