Koch Brothers Ask for Discount When Buying Politicians in Bulk

[20score]

At a very rare and brief press conference in Manhattan, Charles and David Koch laid out few demands before they spend their money buying politicians in the 2016 election.

“It’s only fair,” said David Koch. “People think, ‘Well, they’re spending a billion dollars to buy a president, a few senators and representatives – they should be happy with what they’ve got!’ But they don’t look at it from our point of view. Yes, we do make a lot of money off of our investments…but look at how much time and money we put into running the country! Sometimes there are individual bills that need to be written. That costs money. And do you think politicians at the state level buy themselves? Hell no, that costs money! And what about judges?”

“Exactly!” said David’s brother, Charles. “One judge may be cheap, by him or herself. But multiply that by a few hundred and now you’re talking real money…at least for some. Add into that some think tanks, a few scientists…plus all the politicians David mentioned and you begin to understand why we think a few politicians should be thrown in, gratis. I'm sure I speak for others in our class, also. We all feel a bit slighted.”

“And maybe a few bills that we had people write, too” David interjected. “And the truth is, to make up for all the negative press we’ve been getting, and all the money we’ve been spending, a couple of national parks thrown in wouldn’t hurt either.”

“We have to be going now, thank you for your time,” David said.

[suede1]

1. LOL!

[Initech]

2. Buy 10 and the 11th is free?

[scarletwoman]

3. Think they'd be happy with a "Baker's Dozen"?

You know, 13 for the price of 12?

So, for every 120 politicians and judges they buy, they'll get 10 free - seems like a bargain to me.

[20score]

4. Exactly! At least some of us get it.

It's not much to ask.

[rafeh1]

5. well br david

the lady at justice wearing a blind fold and running the scales is blind.

You only buy the amount of justice you pay for.

This is the land of innocent until you run out of money

[rurallib]

6. Is this your own creation? Very funny

but if it isn't please include a citation so whoever's it is gets credit.

Hilarious.

[20score]

7. It's mine. Thanks!

[calimary]

14. VERY impressive, 20score!

I thought it was Andy Borowitz or some such.

Excellently done! And actually - probably not far from 100% accurate, at least behind closed doors. They're ALWAYS going to want something for their money. ALWAYS.

[20score]

17. You've made my day.

Thanks!

[mountain grammy]

8. Cheaper by the dozen.

Hell, you don't get that rich without being frugal, and inheriting billions, and paying no taxes, and profiting from misery.

[20score]

23. Exactly!

[Jackpine Radical]

9. You know there's a whole lot simpler way of accomplishing the same ends as the Kochs want.

The Supreme Court Didn't Go Far Enough in McCutcheon.
byJackpineRadical

Following Citizens United, the Supreme Court has now taken their second step forward in accomplishing a massive relaxation of the rules on political contributions. I applaud this trend, but fear that it doesn’t go nearly far enough in cleaning up the tangle of rules and regulations governing our electoral process. Therefore, I would like to propose some simple reforms to make government more responsive and efficient. My grand scheme is predicated on the well-documented fact that political outcomes are decided by money, and upon the apparent intention of the Supreme Court to accelerate this trend. The genius of the plan I am about to propose is that it turns what is often perceived as a flaw or failure of the system into a virtue.
The first step in my plan is to permit unlimited contributions to politicians. Any politician will be allowed to take any amount of money from any source at any time.

Second, the cumbersome electoral apparatus will be junked. Instead, all political offices will be put up for bid. Anyone who wants to be a Senator, for example, will submit a bid of so many dollars for the job, and the job will be awarded to the highest bidder. Once in office, the politician will receive no salary; instead, each will be expected to support him/herself on a fee-for-service basis, by selling individual votes on proposed legislation, charging a substantial fee to introduce proposed legislation written by corporate lawyers, etc.
This plan is startling in its elegant simplicity and cost-effectiveness. It can be made to work at all levels of government, from the local city council to the Presidency. In a single stroke it converts the government from a financial drag on society into a center of profit. Furthermore, in the same stroke, it restores honesty to the system. No longer will politicians have to maintain a pretense of serving the interests of people without money. No longer will we be plagued with financial scandals. And no longer will the public need to be distracted from Nintendo, Nascar, celebrity news, and reality television by so-called “electoral politics.”

This general philosophical approach can be extended beyond the Executive and Legislative branches to the Judicial branch as well. The whole expensive edifice of the Court system, at all its levels, can be replaced by a simple system in which court decisions will be determined by a fair and honest bidding process. This can be made to work handily in both civil and criminal matters.
Civil decisions will be awarded to the higher bidder. No need for a jury.

If a poor person steals from a rich person, the rich person can pay to have the criminal convicted and punished. As a side benefit, I predict that our jail and prison systems would fall into disuse, at a great cost savings to society, as offended rich people opt to use cheaper means, such as fines, floggings, involuntary servitude, and hangings, to punish those who have offended against them. As a second side benefit, I predict that the whole apparatus of appellate courts could be eliminated--if a person can’t afford to buy a verdict in a lower court, they will also no doubt be too poor to buy an appellate decision.

The more I think about this system, the fewer flaws I can find in it.

[20score]

24. Just got around to reading this. Well done!

[Brigid]

10. You should seriously send this to the Onion!

[20score]

11. Thank you!

[nxylas]

12. The Onion doesn't accept unsolicited submissions

Not saying it isn't Onion-worthy, but they have their writing team, and they're notoriously secretive about the hiring process.

[George II]

13. I don't know how it works under federal law, but here in Connecticut it is illegal....

....for a campaign or political organization to get favorable treatment, i.e., advertising rates, over any other campaign or political organization. Regardless of their level of business, they are required to pay the same rates as their opponents.

[Marie Marie]

15. Excellent 20score.

Maybe they will hire you, I'm sure they would love your idea!

[20score]

16. Thank you, Marie!

[Spitfire of ATJ]

18. The Southern ones come free and they throw in a mint julep...

Served by a black maid.

[marym625]

19. You should have your own blog

You have excellent satirical articles.

K&R!

[20score]

20. Much thanks!

[meow2u3]

21. DUzy!

Send this to the Onion. Great satire!

[20score]

22. Well thank you!