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exactly what the 1% wants for America.
It's what they want 'muricans to believe 'murica is all about. They's stupid, but good, "consumers"!
My story is different but similar, you would recognize my mother for the monster she is.
I too spent years in therapy, and I do feel very grateful and proud that I was able to become a reasonably healthy person as a result
So, be proud of yourself, it was grueling hard work but you came out the other side as someone capable of writing this op and attempting to educate others.
I'm proud of you 
So courageous of you to share this with us and give us a new understanding. In your case, glad to hear the happy ending. 
Thank you so much for posting your story. I've such great respect for you and your courage.
I also grew up in an iceberg family. My mother is a narcissistic moron who, at age 90, can still play mind games like no one else I know. My father had tremendous anger issues along with PTSD from WWII. I carry deep scar tissue from childhood, literally. Sealed lips and secrets ruled our family environment. And you of course know, they were religious fundamentalists /authoritarian wingers. Because of them I'm this proud liberal, spiritual anti-theist. Not just an atheist.
My 4 years of therapy were invaluable to me, along with my cannibus use and meditation which helped me to overcome much of my anger.
It sounds like you were very intuitive and strong as a child. You knew that you had to keep yourself safe, like when you "made myself scarce when we had company." That's totally incredible.
I am in awe of behavior like that. I didn't adapt that way and love to hear stories about kids who did. I think, in some way--kids like you, remind those abusers that they were not getting away with their crimes.
Obviously, that strong part of you remains today. They did not change the fact that you were a resilient kid!
And yes--it can really make you pissed off when you think about it. But I think anger is good. It's a reminder that, by God, you did not deserve the bs that happened to you. It's a reminder of your innocence.
Keep on keeping on, Kalidurga. Thanks for sharing your story.
No words 
Of the four kids, the only one who came close to having a "normal" family was the youngest brother who was born while my father was in jail for molesting an "outside kid"..
The older three of us have NO contact with each other.. Our growing up years were as if each of us existed inside our own bubble..
I was molested/raped from age 6 to 13 when I finally mustered up the courage to tell my mother. what I got was a slap in the face and an accusation of trying to "steal her husband"..
I threatened to tell but we lived outside the US, and I was warned that if I ever did tell, I would be left in the jungle for the leopards/snakes to take care of me.. Would he have done it? who knows.. It was enough to scare me into silence.
One thing I did manage to do was to break the cycle, and give myself the permission to jettison the lot of them..
My sister & brother (kid 2 & 3) apparently dealt with what they got, by extorting money from him.. I wanted nothing to do with any of them..
I moved out at 18 and never looked back.
All I can say is..
As much as it must hurt to reopen these wounds (if they ever closed), I'm sure you know what it means for other abuse victims to read stories such as yours. I imagine it must be a lifeline to a possible pathway out of despair.
Despite the cycle of abuse, often times people who've been through the worst pain come out the other side with incredible compassion and empathy. You are clearly one of those people.
Thinking back to my childhood (which was rough, but nothing compared to yours) I can recall a couple of school friends who acted out in sexual ways that I now realize had to be indications of abuse. I wish I could have understood and been a better friend at the time, but I was only a child.
Wishing you the peace and happiness you very much deserve.
while I also came from an abusive household, not quite like your experience, I knew from the get go, that there was major dysfunction in the duggar family.
I hope you have found peace in your life.
Cheers.
It captures the situation perfectly.
Very, very powerful story CoffeeCat. Your tenacity in overcoming, your bravery in sharing, your clarity of writing should make you proud of who you've become despite the past.
I find myself trying to write something in this big white box, but I can't seem to find the words.
Just...
I did not grow up in an iceberg family, but something about the Duggars, their associations, and how they've handled this revelation told me that it wasn't a small blip and we're only seeing the tip of the dysfunction.
The biggest red flag for me - Josh Duggar was exhibiting learned behavior, as you've pointed out. And the Duggar dad confided in his friend, the cop, who did NOT file a report, and is now in jail for child pornography.
I watched a few minutes of the Fox interview, and was horrified by Michelle Duggar's phoney cry face and baby talk about her 'poor' son, it was sickening.
I am happy that you found a way out of your past and the pain and have gone on to live the life you deserve.
I wish the same for the Duggar children, and all others who are raised in abusive families.
I mourn for your lost childhood, teen years and some of adulthood. To raise yourself up beyond the horror you lived and break the cycle is courageous.
You must have shed many years of tears in your healing. I have. We are the brave ones. Those who are willing to see in order to heal.
Love, Peace, Care & Health, Shirley
with us. Thank you for allowing us to see, in however a limited way we can, what kind of path you had to walk, and the insights it give us into families like the duggars. I don't have nearly as much of this kind of awareness as you do, living on the front lines of it throughout your young life. I had a fairly normal upbringing in that regard, anyway. For all her issues, my mom somehow managed to avoid passing on, to me, the battering she experienced at the hand of her rather cruel father. She once told me about the moment she stood looking down at him in his coffin, a few days after he died, and thinking "you can't hurt me anymore."
Your post gives me a lot to think about, CoffeeCat. Testaments like yours, and other DUers' posts here that speak of their own similarly-tormented childhoods, help the rest of us understand. They help the rest of us "get it." Get in deeply profound touch with this. Maybe not to walk in your shoes but at least to be able to follow close behind.
I greatly appreciate the stunning posts in this thread - the courage that you, CoffeeCat, and so many other DUers have shown as you somehow find your way to release and freedom from that horror you had to live with and grow up with. I think you're all calling the duggars what they are and illuminating what they did. Sharing your agony helps the rest of us grow and learn, and suffer with you. The courage! The generosity - that you would open up and share that horror and anguish. And the inspiration you are - for being able to get through it, get past it, and maybe even start healing.
Hopefully you can help guide the rest of us to that healing place as well.
Calimary you're one of my favorite DUers
Hugs back atcha.
Seems like there needs to be a bunch of hugs on this thread. It just struck me, reading down through it, how much profound hurt there is. What some of us do to each other in the name of some cockeyed idea of "love." I'd guess the duggars look into their bathroom mirror every morning and see nothing wrong. Seems to me some proof of that manifests in their insistence that the REAL crime here is that their secret was revealed and they lost control of the privacy of it. Now everybody knows what they did. I suspect there's more. Many times by now I've heard the suspicions expressed that this is just the tip of the iceberg, and I feel that way too.
The whole notion of "Iceberg Families" is just excruciatingly perfect. So spot-on it hurts. What's visible for all to see is indeed only the tip that protrudes up above the surface of the water, while most of its monstrous bloated mass balloons, out of view, below the surface. PERFECT description.
Horrible - what humankind is capable of doing to the smallest and most powerless among it. ALL those kids are scarred. Deeply damaged. Makes me wonder what on earth went on in jim bob's house when he was a kid... On second thought, it's really not something I find myself wanting to try to imagine. Too hideous, I'll bet. I look at photos of that family and can't help thinking - "man, THERE'S a world of hurt."
In fact this whole thread and all the survivors in this room are amazing ...
for what you went through. Thank you for sharing it with us.
…about emotional abuse. You mentioned that it was the worst part of your life in that home. So true. It's so hard to describe the emotional abuse--but it's day to day and it's suffocating. I think emotional abuse becomes the abuser's strategy for keeping their victims sick and broken. That way, the physical and sexual abuse remain a secret. If we remain weak, we don't fight back.
But you are right--it really hurts. And it can do so much damage.
I'm sorry about the sexual abuse that you went through with your father and by the priest. You deserved a wonderful childhood, free of all of that. I'm glad that, as an adult, you recognize the abuse for what it was. You seem to have a very healthy perspective and such kindness for fellow survivors.
Peace and happiness to you!
Thank you for your words of wisdom.
I think self-forgiveness is a long road. And everything you said makes perfect sense. I look back too--and wonder how I survived. I think the mind is a very kind thing.
It sounds like you are a very kind person who has also learned some very deep lessons from your own personal journey. Not everyone comes out on the other end, a kind person. And who could blame them if they weren't? Major kudos to you for being so resilient and for living a life full of kindness and compassion.
I appreciate your comments. Very much. You've given me a lot to think about!
