Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

[Katashi_itto]

THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven.

One of the Eternal Kingdom’s night watchmen confirmed he spotted the angels during a 3 a.m. searchlight sweep of heaven’s perimeter and raised the alarm, thwarting the divine beings’ effort to break through an electrified portion of the Pearly Gates, which are infrequently patrolled at that hour.

“Early this morning, 10 angels—seven cherubim and three seraphim—were fired upon by guards,” said heaven spokeswoman Claudia Thompson, observing that the escapees had ignored several warnings issued in Hebrew, Aramaic, and Greek. “Several of the angels were struck in the chest and wings. Four later succumbed to their injuries after being transferred to an infirmary located in the intake/release complex within the ninth sphere of heaven.”

“The angels know the rules,” she continued. “While the use of deadly force is always a last resort, our guards are trained to use any means necessary to prevent escape from everlasting paradise.”


http://www.theonion.com/article/guards-gun-down-four-angels-escaping-from-heaven-37737

[Bigmack]

1. Kick... gotta kick anything from the one real news source. nt